


Through Mist and Madness

by deandeandean



Series: Through Mist and Madness Series [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angry Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester Bears the Mark of Cain, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Demon Deals, Dubious Consent, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Jealous Castiel, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Multi, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Spoilers all seasons, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Violence, hints at destiel, lots of bad things happen to Dean, sigils sigils and more sigils, tags will be added as story progresses, threats of violence toward children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-06-30 14:19:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 55
Words: 99,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15753453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deandeandean/pseuds/deandeandean
Summary: Set in Season 9 sometime after Blade Runners and then goes AU.  Dean and Sam's relationship is in a very bad place.  Dean is trying to deal with the Mark of Cain and survive when old and new enemies come after him.  Dean finds an ally in an old foe, but is it all what it appears to be?  Will Dean and Sam's relationship improve, will Dean be able to keep it together and not lose control to the Mark, will he survive his fight with Abaddon?  Lots and lots of angst.   Sorry I'm bad at summaries.  Long fic.Underage tag is in references to past abuse only.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is not Beta'd and all mistakes are mine. Some events can be triggering, please see tags. I will add more as the story goes on. 
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys this. I am not a writer but this story has been in my head for a very long time. Thanks for reading.

[](https://imgur.com/8OFfvsM)

The silence in the car was thick and heavy with tension. Dean looked sideways at his brother a few times, opening his mouth trying to find words to ease some of the tension, make things better, but no words came. All he could see was a growing chasm between them that he didn't think they would ever get across. Sam's words kept playing over and over in his mind: "I can't trust you, we're not brothers, I wouldn't save you." Dean's heart ached and he wondered if you could actually die from a broken heart or from a broken and shattered soul. Between the Mark pulsing and burning through him and the overwhelming feelings of guilt that he had ruined the one thing that mattered the most to him, that he had hurt the one person who Dean had given his entire life for, was getting to be too much to handle. Dean was not sure how much more he could take without bursting into a million pieces. 

Part of Dean understood where Sam was coming from; Dean was poison, everyone close to him got hurt, especially Sam, over and over despite Dean's best efforts, but then again when had Dean's best efforts ever been good enough, ever been close to being what was needed? Another part was anger, for Sam to say he never did the sacrificing. 

Dean's whole life was spent sacrificing for Sam, starving so Sam never knew what it felt like to be hungry, being hit and kicked and so much worse by his father while protecting Sam, taking the punishment for Sam, and to this day Sam still really didn't know all that had happened. "A little more tequila and our lives would have been so different." Geez what a fucking joke Dean thought thinking back to that case so long ago before everything got so bloody and messy, could Sam really have had no idea or did he just chose to turn a blind eye and pretend nothing was happening like Max's stepmother. Doesn't matter though, protecting Sam, keeping him happy was all that ever mattered. 

Maybe Dean shouldn't have come back, agreeing to keeping things professional with the small hope that things would get better over time. Nothing had changed though, in fact things were worse. After Kevin asked them to stow their shit and then Sam had turned and walked away, Dean knew there was no going back. But then, for a brief moment after Sam talked Dean into dropping the blade at Magnus' Dean thought maybe there was a chance, but that hope was short lived. Sam saw what happened when he held the blade and didn't care. 

Even now having the Blade with him, Dean could feel it changing him, so why couldn't Sam see that Dean was drowning. Maybe he did see it and Sam was still choosing to walk away, just letting Dean drift out into a turbulent sea; leaving Dean to deal with the consequences of his colossal fuck up all by himself. 

Dean was on his own with this one, and Dean was not sure he would win or even if he wanted to win. Well, not on his own exactly, surprisingly Crowley, despite manipulating Dean into yet another catastrophically bad decision, seemed to want to be there for Dean and help him. It was really strange. Maybe the demon mark on Dean's arm made him more connected to the King of Hell? Whatever it was, Crowley kept popping up seeming to always know where Dean was, and Dean really didn't want to spend too much time thinking about how Crowley was able to do that, how he was so tuned into Dean. But the little impromptu visits at a gas station, in a restaurant – "Just checking in darling." "How are you and blade doing Squirrel?" "Have you found that red headed bitch yet Dean?" 

Once or twice Crowley had actually popped into Dean's room at the bunker and how the hell Crowley managed to get past all the warding Dean didn't know, but instead of Dean doing anything about it, Dean let it go because the lonely desperate part of him that felt abandoned by everyone he ever loved didn't want the visits to end. Geez Dean is so pathetic. Most visits from Crowley lasted less than a few minutes with some suggestive remarks and flirting on Crowley's part, sometimes genuine concern when Dean was injured, and of course annoyance at Dean for still having no clue how to find Abaddon. But the visits were still something, something for Dean to cling to in a world where he is alone and adrift, hurting like he has never hurt before.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean could see Sam shifting restlessly in the seat next to him, trying to get comfortable. A simple salt and burn as always seemed to be the case with them had turned into something more complicated. Yes Dean broke the code of not being protective and had jumped in front of the 2 x 4 the ghost, a construction worker who died on the job, was aiming for Sam's head, getting himself one hell of a headache. Then in the process of putting the ghost to rest, Sam hit his hip against a corner of a table, the point hitting the joint just so to cause a lot of pain and discomfort, and Dean could see that Sam was uncomfortable. 

Dean himself probably needed some stitches, felt the beginnings of a possible concussion and definitely had some bruised or maybe cracked ribs, but hey getting pummeled trying to get the worst of the harm away from Sam was his job whether or not it caused the distance between them to increase. 

And boy Sam was really not happy, even more pissed if that was possible at Dean's actions. Sam had not said a single word to him since they got in the car. But you know what, a lifetime of trying to pull Sam out of the line of fire was hard to break, and Dean didn't want to stop and wouldn’t stop no matter how many hurtful things Sam told him, no matter how much the Mark kept whispering to him that Sam was wrong, Sam was the enemy, Dean needed to hurt Sam, needed to kill Sam. Nope, it didn't matter that Sam looked at Dean like a stranger, a disgusting one at that, Dean wouldn't stop protecting his little brother. 

Dean pulled into the next cheap motel he came across. It was close to 7 pm and he could have driven on to the bunker, but Dean was hurting and there was still blood oozing from his head. Sam was clearly uncomfortable, but he would never say anything as that would mean having to initiate a conversation with Dean, so Dean made the decision to stop. 

Dean had had a bad feeling all day, like something was watching him, following him. "Danger, danger!" Dean's mind screamed at him, but it was probably just in his head, the Mark maybe trying to make him lose control. The loss of Dean's anchor, a brother who cared about Dean and watched his back, left Dean feeling adrift and these bad feelings were probably just all in Dean's head. Dean was probably just being paranoid.

As soon as the car stopped, Sam jumped out and went into the office before Dean had even turned the car off. Dean huffed back into the seat with a loud sigh and waited for Sam to come out. Soon Sam strolled over, handed Dean a key and then dangled another one in his hand in front of Dean's face and then without a word Sam grabbed his duffle and went into his own room, a room as far from Dean's as possible in this small crappy motel. 

Dean felt the hurt pressing down on him all over again, trying to keep in the sobs that threatened while a single tear escaped and ran down his face. They had never, no matter how bad things got, stayed in separate rooms before. The finality of that act signifying that they were really no longer brothers in Sam's eyes was devastating.  
Dean sat there for maybe 45 minutes just trying to get control of himself and trying to work up the energy, the will, to grab his bag and go into his room. Dean really shouldn't have come back. He should have stayed hunting alone because this torture was so much worse than anything he expected. Dean's heart and soul were being torn apart piece by piece, made even harder because Dean knew that his worthless, useless, never good enough ass was entirely to blame. 

Sam was right, Dean didn't deserve forgiveness, Dean didn't deserve to have such a wonderful and smart brother, and Dean didn't deserve anything but pain before being sucked back down to hell because of this mark on his arm, Dean's culpability in Kevin's death, and the countless people Dean had let down and got killed. How did Crowley phrase it in the dungeon in what seemed like a lifetime ago. "People in your general vicinity don't have much in the way of a lifespan." 

Finally, Dean moved and after making sure to grab the whiskey bottle in the trunk Dean made it into his room. Dean dropped his bag on the table along with some weapons that needed to cleaned, and Dean quickly salted the window and door. Dean wrapped up the First Blade and put it in his duffle after holding it for a few minutes to stop his shaking, knowing drawing the calmness from it was not a good thing but unable to stop himself.


	3. Chapter 3

After downing a healthy amount of the liquor, Dean grabbed his sleep pants and a clean long sleeved T-shirt and boxers. Dean then jumped in the shower to rid of himself of all the blood and dust and ease his aching muscles. After standing under the hot stream of water until it started to run cold Dean dried himself off and quickly got dressed. Dean went with a Steri-Strip type bandage on his head wound instead of bothering to stitch it. The cut would get better soon, too soon lately but that was a whole other thing Dean didn't want to be thinking about or worrying about right now. 

Dean thought he heard a slight noise from the other room and tensed, cursing himself for leaving his Blade in the other room. Dean could call the Blade to himself but he tried to only use that nifty little trick when really cornered, slippery slope using powers and all that… 

At another small sound, Dean's body flooded with adrenaline and he started cursing himself again about how he could have been so stupid to not have brought a weapon into the bathroom with him. Dean blamed it on being used to having a 6 foot 4 guy guarding his back while showering. Convinced now that someone or something was in the room, there was no way in hell Dean was going to stay cowed in the bathroom like a sitting duck, so Dean took a deep breath and thought to himself well here goes nothing. 

Dean pushed the door open, toweling his hair dry, pretending to be unaware that something was amiss. The machete Dean had brought in to be cleaned was resting right in front of his bag along with his gun and several knives on the small motel table. The table on the one hand was close, but on the other it was pretty far depending on what was waiting for Dean. Dean hoped maybe the element of surprise would give him an advantage. 

As Dean stepped into the room sure enough four shapes quickly advanced, their speed clearly marking them as not human. Dean was slammed into the wall with an arm across his throat trying to choke him before he knew it, but Dean quickly drove his knee up and broke free. Dean punched one of them in the gut and then dropped and rolled, a move that seemed to take them by surprise giving Dean the few precious seconds he needed to roll right up to the table, reach up and grab the machete, and Dean now felt better that he had a weapon. 

Dean quickly jumped back to his feet and started swinging with all his might. Slice, drop, one head went flying, but the other 3 continued to advance, fangs all descending with roars of outrage. Dean guessed they thought this was going to be easy with him alone, vulnerable and unaware. Well Dean Winchester was never one to go down easy and now with the Mark it was more than an even fight; three vamps against him. 

The small space of the room didn’t help though and the vamps got in a lot of good shots before Dean was able to behead another one. Dean was panting and trying to figure out his next move while the other two stood in front of Dean, slightly flabbergasted and definitely furious that Dean had killed two of them already. Everyone stood there trying to figure out the best way to gain the upper hand when Dean noticed a small flicker of one's eyes to the door and slight smirk appear on its face. Well that can't be good, Dean thought. 

Dean silently cursed himself that during all the fighting he had taken his attention off the door. Dean slowly turned toward the door while keeping the two vamps in his eyesight to see a slip of a woman, extremely attractive with dark long flowing wavy hair, pale skin and ruby red lips, saunter into the room. 

Their eyes met and Dean heard her whisper "Oh my" in a breathless kind of way Dean recognized from all the women and for some bizarre reason even more of men in his life when they would first lay eyes on Dean's face. Really Dean was too old for this type of reaction anymore and Dean rolled his eyes. The woman just smiled wider and held out her hand. Dean noticed she was holding something small and black that looked like maybe a cell phone but Dean couldn't be sure. 

The woman then smiled at him and said "Enough Dean, it's over", and before Dean could understand what she meant or even form a snappy comeback, two wires were suddenly in his chest and volts of electricity shot through Dean's body. Son of a bitch that hurt he thought as his body twitched and spasmed. "Huh, weird for a vamp to use a taser." Dean thought as oblivion rose up to meet him, and Dean was glad for the first time since Sam stormed off to his own room that Sam was not here with Dean and was safe.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has not been beta'd and all mistakes are mine. As you can see I'm really not a writer but I'm trying my best to make it as easy to read as I can. Please see notes at bottom for possible triggers.
> 
> Thank you so much for your kudos and comments. It really brightens my day.

Dean felt soft cool fingers lightly caressing his face as he slowly climbed back into consciousness, small delicate hands were running through his hair, caressing and smoothing across his chest, then his arms, his face again, over and over in a repeated loop. Dean felt lips press against his lips gently then more insistent. They started sucking on his bottom lip, finally taking small nip causing it to bleed. 

That sharp pain had Dean's eyes snapping open. "Son of a…!" Dean exclaimed and found just inches from his face, eyes glued to Dean’s while slowly licking the blood from Dean’s lip the woman from the motel room. Dean jerked back in surprise banging his head against the wall behind him causing the woman to chuckle. 

Dean closed his eyes again, his head still leaning back against the wall of some kind of vehicle, and tried to take inventory of himself and his surroundings. Okay Dean thought. "I’m not too hurt." The taser didn't seem to have caused any lasting damage other than an ache in his chest and his muscles felt a bit quivery. 

Dean tried to shift and realized his hands were bound behind his back tightly with what felt like some heavy duty chain. Dean didn’t imagine he would be breaking out of them anytime soon. Dean tried to pull his hands up but they were pulled up short as Dean found that his wrists were attached to the bottom of the vehicle by another chain. 

Dean opened his eyes then and slowly looked around. Dean could see that he was in the back of what looked like a van. Dean’s was sitting with his back up against the side wall and his legs were straight out in front. And "Fuck!" Dean swore to himself when he saw that his ankles were similarly bound with the same heavy duty chain. I guess these fuckers weren’t taking any chances of Dean getting free. "My reputation must precede me." Dean snickered to himself. 

Dean then turned his attention to little miss vampire who was still straddling him, and Dean felt her squirming around in his lap just watching as Dean took stock of his circumstances. "What the hell was going on?" Dean thought to himself, looking directly at her and raising a brow in question. "Who are you?" Dean asked. "What do you want?" 

Miss vampire just stared at him for a few more moments, a frown burrowed between her eyes, but then Dean watched as she seemed to come to a decision in her mind. She smiled and licked her lips, still stained red with Dean’s blood. Dean saw her shiver slightly at the taste and before Dean could ask another question, she just started babbling and whispering to Dean. 

"You're so beautiful Dean. I never imagined. I mean I heard the talk, all the talk about you." She said rolling her eyes dramatically. "For years! You know, first about how she would tear you apart and all the ways to make you suffer, and then later about how she would, well, you will find that out soon enough.. But now, to finally meet you, touch you, smell you, TASTE you! OMG your blood is amazing. It’s so pure and delicious." She said swooping down to suck at Dean’s lip again, moaning at she took another tiny sip of Dean’s blood.

Dean tried jerking his head away from her, but with his limited mobility, he couldn't get away from her hands or lips so Dean settled for pushing against her forehead with his forehead. "Hands off the merchandise lady!" Dean growled, sending her his fiercest glare, but to Dean’s disappointment she just ignored him and started stroking and caressing him again. 

Dean tugged on his restraints in frustration and in his most menacing voice asked. "Where's my brother? You better not have laid a hand on him." Dean threatened. But again, she just ignored him. 

Dean realized he was going nowhere fast with the way they had him chained down and Jesus if this freaking vampire doesn’t stop wiggling around and touching him soon, little Dean was going to start taking notice, and there was no fucking way Dean was going to get it up for a kidnapping vampire chick. 

So to keep his mind off the wandering hands and squirming female in his lap, Dean looked around again at the inside of the van to try to see if there was anything he could use to pick the locks or something he could use as a weapon if he got free. 

Dean startled a bit when noticed with a huge sigh of relief and a whole lot of puzzlement that his duffle bag was also in the back of the van. Dean, closed his eyes and focused on the Mark, and with a sigh of relief, Dean confirmed the blade was still in the bag. Well for once the Winchester luck turned out to be good. 

Dean was really glad he had chosen a long sleeved T-shirt to put on too since it was hiding the Mark. He figured if they grabbed the duffle without taking out the First Blade then they probably didn't know about the Mark. 

Dean could now feel the Mark pulsing and burning with a greater intensity after having connected to it mentally, but there was no way to be able to use his blade right now, not chained up the way he was. Also Dean didn't want to tip his hand until he was in a better position to defend himself. 

So Dean focused his attention back on the vampire still stroking and nipping at him. He tried to piece together the events and come up with a logical explanation for what was happening, but I mean really "What the hell." Dean puzzled. "Why are vampires kidnapping me instead of just killing me and why in the hell did they take my bag along too?" 

Dean figured his only option here was to try to get more information from the vampire in his lap so he turned his attention back to her. She noticed him looking at her again and sat back a bit smiling at Dean, and Dean thought it was just creepy. 

"So? Why tase me and not kill me." Dean hissed out? "And for the love of God lady keep your goddam hands to yourself." Dean added as she started stroking his face again. She just ignored that last request but thankfully did start talking quietly. 

Of course Dean was even more in confused after the vampire told Dean her name was Annie and then said they were taking Dean to his future. "Wow vague much." Dean thought at the same time concluding that this might be more then just some payback from a bunch of vampires. 

Dean decided now would be a good time to try to get some help and sent a prayer out to Cas. "Cas buddy, I'm sure I'm the last person you want to hear from but I could use some help here. Got nabbed by some vamps and I am not sure what is going on." 

Dean sighed to himself. Dean didn't even know if Cas could hear his prayers anymore with the borrowed grace or Dean worried that Cas would just block them out or ignore them? Dean cringed remembering the look on Cas’ face when Dean had kicked him out of the bunker when Gadreel made Dean choose between him and Sam. Cas had looked so betrayed, sad and confused, and every time Dean thought about it he wanted nothing more than to be swallowed up into nothing to get away from the guilt at what he had done. 

"Cas had needed me the most then." Dean thought. "And I was not there for him." It was just another example of how Dean fails everyone, Dean snorted to himself. Yeah I mean, Cas told Dean he understood and forgave him when Crowley was sticking needles in Sam’s brain causing Sam to scream in pain, again all due to Dean’s failures and fuckups, but things had been different ever since. Cas was hardly ever around anymore. Logically Dean understood Cas choosing to be with his real family now, but it still hurt, it hurt a lot. 

Dean turned his attention back to Annie and noticed a frown of worry in the middle of her forehead again as she stared into his eyes. She started talking quickly now in a low voice, leaning into Dean and he could feel her breath ghost against his ear. "I'm not sure this is right." She muttered. Annie’s frown got bigger as she started getting more distressed. "You know, she doesn't deserve you." Annie blurted out. "You should be with me." She exclaimed as if getting a sudden epiphany and Dean could feel her hands roaming all over his face and chest again, more frenzied in their movements than before. 

"God dammit." Dean thought. "Is she an octopus or what?" Dean tried to hold back a moan as she brushed and tweaked Dean’s nipple. "Jesus, just how many hands does she actually have?" Dean thought. Annie started kissing Dean again and he tried again to turn his head away but without much success. "Fuck! Lady stop!" Dean growled, but Annie just smiled and started licking at his mouth again, groaning and squirming more in his lap. Dean was really trying to stay focused on figuring out how to get out of this mess but it was becoming really difficult. 

So Dean shook himself mentally and tried again to get some answers. "Look lady, Annie, what the hell are you talking about? And where is my brother?" Dean asked a little of his fear for Sam leaking through his words. "Sam better be okay." He threatened. "Or I will you kill you." Dean snarled. 

"Relax." Annie smiled softly. "Sam's fine. He probably doesn't even know your gone judging by how mad he seemed to be at you and his room being so far away." Dean realized at that moment with a sinking stomach that the vampires had been watching them, and they probably saw his mini breakdown in the car. Dean felt a blush of heat in his cheeks in embarrassment. Dean never likes to feel vulnerable but to have his enemies witness it? Not good. 

Annie elaborated further finally answering Dean's question about why his bag was with him. "We grabbed your bag and moved the Impala down the street so Sam's gonna to think you left without him. I figured it would buy us more time before he starts to look for you." She said proudly. 

"Although Dean." She smirked at him. "Do you think he will look for you? Cause I'm not so sure." Dean's stomach sunk even further and he felt a wave of uncertainty flow through him, because dammit Dean wasn’t so sure she wasn't right about this. Dean really didn't know if Sam would look for him or just get pissed off and leave seeing Dean was not there, probably jumping to the conclusion he went out and hooked up with someone or even worse what if Sam thought something was wrong, but didn't give a crap? Dean thought back to when Sam said he wouldn't save him, does that mean Sam would just walk away? Dean wondered with a painful squeeze of his heart. 

Dean got lost in his depressing thoughts for a minute or two, realizing he had no idea how long he had been unconscious or even how far they had traveled. The van's windows were blackened and he couldn't see any landmarks. 

Dean then looked around further and noticed there were 3 male vamps in the van, one driving, and two in the backseat. One noticed Dean was awake and turned, getting red in the face seeing where Annie was and he started yelling at her. :What the hell are you doing? Get off of him. You can't touch him or feed from him, she'll kill you!" 

"Mind your own business Hal." Annie snarled back. "I'm just making sure he is secure." 

"That's all you better be doing." He threatened. "Don't think I can't see the way you are looking at him. He is not for you and don't forget it. Get away from him or I'll stop the van and leave you on the side of the road." He threatened. 

Annie just stared at him venomously but when the other two stared back clearly taking Hal's side, she huffed a bit and backed off. "No biggie." She said putting her hands out in front of her in a placating manner. "Just having some fun. Relax guys." 

Then Hal turned and glared hatefully at Dean like this was all Dean’s fault somehow before turned back around grumbling to himself. 

Annie sat back against the other side of the van near his feet and just stared at him, again frowning and mumbling to herself. Dean figured he try one more time to get some info. "Look." He questioned. "What's going on? Who is this “her” you keep referring to? What do you want with me?" 

Annie put a finger to her lips making a shooshing sound. "Stop asking questions or they will come back here and beat you unconscious. They're not happy you killed our two brothers." 

"Well." Dean said flashing his trademark Dean Winchester smirk. "You shouldn’t have attacked me in my own room, did you really think I would just roll over and walk out the door with you? Fucking amateurs." Dean muttered to himself. 

"Dean." She whispered urgently. "You don't understand, this is big, I never would have… , I wish I never… , but then I wouldn't have… , oh god what I am going to do." She exclaimed as bloody tears started falling from her eyes. "I can't let her have you. You should be with me, not her!" Annie whispered emphatically. 

Okaaay this was getting even weirder really fast, but maybe Dean mused there could be an opening here, something he could play up and use to get away. Dean figured he would rather face one vamp, even if she was going all Glen Close on him, than whatever awaited him. 

"Look." Annie said quietly. "I'll figure something out." And then she darted in and kissed Dean quickly while keeping an eye on the other guys making sure they didn't see. "I'll fix this. I'll try to fix this. But Dean." She said. "You don't understand, she is so powerful, so I don't know, I'm gonna need help." 

Dean felt a spike of fear shoot through him at that statement worrying again about Sam. "Oh hell no, lady don't even think about going to my brother for help." Dean snarled. "If Sam is out of this he stays out. I won't have him getting hurt or else." Dean threatened. 

"Ohhh Dean." She practically cooed. "You're so protective. It’s so sweet, but don't worry about Sam, he would never be strong enough to fight her even if he did want to try to save you." Again leaving Dean with a feeling of uncertainty running through him at that thought. "I'll think of something. Oh!" She gasped her eyes lighting up with an idea. "What about …." 

The van then came to a sudden stop cutting her off. Dean jiggled the chains again trying to find a weakness knowing between getting him out of the van and into wherever they were was going to be his best chance of escape. Once inside he didn't know what waited him, but all these vamps were really scared of whoever “she” was and he had no idea how many others were in the building. 

Hal jumped out and opened the back of the van, leaned in and without a second of hesitation whacked Dean on the side of his head with a small black club like the police carry. Pain blossomed across the side of Dean's face and everything started spinning for a moment disorienting him. By the time the dizziness passed Dean could see that Hal had already gotten the chains unhooked from the floor of the van and was pulling Dean out. Dean brought his knees up and kicked back with his chained feet knocking Hal to the ground with a small grunt of satisfaction, but then Dean felt himself being pulled down to the ground right along with the vamp. 

The other two quickly grabbed Dean's arms and hauled him up, and one pressed a dagger across Dean's throat. "Stop struggling or we’ll slit your throat right here." He threatened. "Go ahead." Dean sneered. "You didn't go to all this trouble bringing me here to kill me right out front. So go ahead and take your best shot you bloodsucking parasite." Dean yelled. 

Ooof… Hal stood up quickly and slammed his fist straight into Dean's stomach pushing all the air out and if not for the arms restraining Dean he would have fallen over, wanting nothing but to curl up into a ball until the pain eased up. "Oh that's rich, sucker punch a chained man." Dean gasped out. "Aren’t you the big vamp on the block." Dean sneered trying to grin through the pain. 

Dean heard the two vamps restraining him snicker at that causing a thunderous rage to fall across Hal's face. Hal raised the club and just as he is about to slam it into Dean again Annie grabbed his arm and pulled it down. "No Hal. Don't!" She yelled. "She said not to hurt him too much and he's already beat to hell." 

Hal shoved her away with disgust but paused as her words seemed to sink in. "This is bullshit!" Hal said to the other two. "Why him? He's a worthless human, a goddamn Hunter. We're going to have to bow down to him, no fucking way! Does this seem right to you?" Hal yelled at the others, his face red with indignation. 

Dean tried to figure out what it was that Hal was yammering about, but Dean was still really confused. "Bow down? What the hell is that suppose to mean?" 

The other two vamps just shuffled their feet a bit looking away from Hal clearly nervous about his ramblings. 

"Come on Hal. Just bring him inside." Annie implored. "She’ll be here soon." Dean watched as Annie grabbed his bag, thank God, and then they proceeded to drag Dean across the walkway and into the building, up some stairs and into a bedroom. 

Dean was still a bit dizzy from the blow to the head so he didn't bother to struggle too much at that point figuring it would be better to preserve his strength and get his wits back until he could find a way out of this or an opening to take. Dean took a quick look around and gleaned he was in some kind of old warehouse-type building and the top floor seemed to have been made into living quarters. 

The bedroom was huge with a large bed and. "Oh. Hell. No.!" Manacles were attached to the top and bottom of the bed making Dean flinch a bit as the implications of that ran through his head. Dean was getting more and more scared about what was going to happen and worried he would not get himself free in time. 

The two vamps shoved Dean none too gently into a chair and wound a chain around his chest, stomach and ankles tightly binding Dean to the chair. "Overkill much." Dean snorted. "Why I would think you guys were afraid of little ol me." Dean retorted a big smile on his face. 

Hal grabbed Dean's hair and jerked his face up craning his neck back sharply. "Yeah we know all about you hunter and we're not taking any chances. Let’s see you save yourself with no backup and no angel." 

"Crap they know about Cas." Dean thought, and his face must have registered a little nervousness upon hearing that. "Oh yeah." Hal smiled at him jerking his head further back causing Dean to gasp a little in pain. "This whole building is warded as was the van, your angel won't hear any of your prayers." 

Hal grinned watching a bit of panic flare across Dean’s face that Dean couldn't hide fast enough from his expression at that announcement, but Dean quickly steeled himself and blanked all emotions from his face. Dean glared back, daring Hal to do something else with his eyes. 

Okay Hal that’s enough a strangely familiar voice ordered while chuckling. They all stepped back and out of the corner of his eye, Dean saw Annie scoot back and leave the room but not before she made eye contact with Dean and mouthed I’m sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is violence, non-con touching and kissing and some blood drinking in his chapter. Nothing too bad but please be aware if you are easily triggered.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't sleep so I figured I would put up another chapter. Again all the many mistakes are mine. In this chapter, we find out find out what the vampire's plans are for Dean. 
> 
> Please see notes at the end for warnings.

Dean squinted up and recognized with shock who was walking up grinning down at him. It's been 10 years give or take, but there was Kate the vampire standing in front of Dean. 

Kate's gaze roamed up and down slowly taking in Dean, and licked her lips. "Boy, did you grow up handsome baby. I mean the last time we met you were good enough to eat, but now, wow you certainly haven’t disappointed. We are going to be the envy of all." Kate smirked gleefully clapping her hands together in front of her. 

"Well, Kate." Dean drawled trying to appear nonchalant. "I thought you were long dead. I mean we killed your mate, your leader, and you just ran away never to be heard from again." 

"My leader." She laughed. "You guys." Kate said patting Dean's cheeks lightly. "You really had it ass backwards back then. Luther was not our leader. I was the leader." 

Dean's eyes widened taking in that information. "Boy did they really get things so wrong?" Not that it really mattered in the end. 

"Oh yes." Kate continued walking slowly around Dean. "But we hadn't been hunted in so long that after the attack my father made me leave the county. He said it was to keep me safe." Kate sneered at the memory. "But it was really to teach me a lesson My killing Elkins brought hunters down on us vampires again after so many years and daddy was not happy." Kate said shrugging. 

Kate face quickly morphed into fury. "Ten years Dean." Kate screamed grabbing Dean’s jaw and digging her nails into his face forcing him to look at her. "Ten years exiled, and I spent them all picturing all the ways I was going to kill you, torture you, take everything from you like you took from me." 

"But then things changed for me." Kate said, mood switching like lightening from furious to coquettish. Kate slowly sunk down onto Dean's lap, and Dean snorted to himself. "I mean what the frig, can’t vampires chicks find their own places to sit other than his lap?" 

Dean remained still waiting to see what she was going to do. Kate squirmed a bit and pressed down on his lap looking for a reaction. Then Kate let go of Dean’s jaw and ran her fingers through his hair almost tenderly and Dean jerked away in surprise. 

Dean’s head was spinning at all this back and forth, but he kept his face carefully blank. Kate then started licking Dean's lips and sucking gently, opening up the cut Annie had made in the van. 

"Don't bite me back Dean." She laughed. "Wouldn’t want to get my blood in you." Kate taunted. 

"Dammit!" Dean wanted nothing more than to take out a chunk of her tongue that was sneaking into his mouth, but he couldn't risk being turned so Dean just sat there hoping that she would keep stop kissing him and start talking again. 

Kate deepened the kiss and moaned. "All those years, all those fantasies I had thinking about you all the time, thinking about getting my revenge, about hurting you like you hurt me by killing Luther, by setting me up." 

"Then it came time for me to find another mate and that’s when I remembered our kiss." Kate cooed, and Dean snorted feeling a phantom ache in his jaw remembering that kiss. "Then I starting thinking about having you, seeing those gorgeous green eyes looking up at me, worshipping me, submitting to me!"

"Fuck no!" Dean exclaimed. "Stop right there you evil bitch. I won’t ever worship you." Dean yelled, horrified at the words coming out of her mouth. This chick was nuts Dean thought. 

Kate face turned red in anger at Dean’s outburst, and she slapped Dean hard enough to make his ears ring. But then again, her mood switched from anger to oily confidence so quickly that alone made Dean’s head spin. 

"Maybe not now." Kate said confidently. "But you will. You see Dean-baby, I not only decided that you are going to replace Luther, I decided you are going to be my king. My mate." Kate stated in a matter of fact manner smiling at Dean’s widening eyes. 

"I mean who better." Kate cooed, bending down to lick at Dean’s ear. "Who better than the great Dean Winchester, to hell and back, to heaven and back, to purgatory and back. The most feared hunter, the most lusted after man, it’s too perfect." 

"I realized you were the best choice, the only choice, and getting you to submit to my will, to me totally, well what better revenge could I possibly have?" Kate asked eyes shining with glee. 

"Wow okay." Dean thought realizing that this chick is bat shit crazy. "Look." Dean explained to her slowly like he was talking to a 3 year old. "You think turning me will make me blindly follow you? Mate with you? Well, you've got another thing coming sweetheart." Dean drawled. "You do know I was a vampire once?" Dean asked with a smirk when Kate’s eyes widen at that bit of information. 

"Oh you didn’t know did you? Dean chuckled. "Yeah it was just for a few days but let me tell you want happened to my sire." And Dean spat the name sire out. Dean leaned in close to Kate, putting on his most fierce glare. "I killed the entire nest including my sire despite the psychic bond I felt and then I willingly took the cure. So go ahead Kate." Dean taunted leaning back. 'Just try to turn me, and I’ll turn right around and kill all of you too." Dean promised, giving Kate the famous Dean Winchester smirk. 

Dean could see the others shuffle around a bit uncomfortable and nervous looking at that information, and they all looked to Kate to see her reaction. Dean took satisfaction in that she looked a little unsure, but unfortunately it only lasted a moment. The manic smile was back on Kate’s face, and she just leaned over and kissed Dean again. 

"Oh Dean-baby, you’re not thinking big enough. I’m not going to just turn you. Oh no we are going to be married, black magic bonding ceremony that will tie you to me forever. You will never want to leave my side or go against me. You will love me and I you and together we will rule all the vampires beneath us and eventually even all the monsters. With the greatest hunter at my side, all powered up as a vampire king, no one will be able to stop us." She laughed while Dean stared at her in horror shocked by what he was hearing. 

"But first things first." Kate said while grabbing Dean's throat and squeezing cutting off Dean’s airway. Kate held out her other hand to one of the other vamps. He handed her what looked like a pill. "Open up Dean-baby." Kate ordered. "The shaman won’t be here for a few days and we are going to have so much fun while waiting." Kate laughed. 

Kate let go of his throat and while Dean gasped for air, and she grabbed Dean’s jaw forcing it open, again bringing back memories of the last time they were together. Before Dean could even try to close his mouth, Kate popped the pill right down Dean's throat, and despite Dean's best effort to stop himself from swallowing, he felt the pill slide down his throat. 

"What the fuck was that?" Dean shouted at her trying to gag up the pill to no avail.

"Oh that." Kate purred. 'That was a little blue pill, you know, to help things along." She laughed. "Cause I know you would just try to fight it Dean and now you won’t be able to do." And she leaned down and kissed him deeply again. 

Dean's eyes went wide as what she said sunk in. "Oh hell no, there is only one little blue pill Dean could think of, and Oh, No, No, No, No!" Dean screamed in his head. Dean struggled with keeping his panic at bay. Dean felt the Mark burning and his whole arm felt on fire as it responded to Dean’s panic and pain. 

Kate got off his lap and looked at the vamps still in the room. "You three." Kate ordered. "Take him to the bathroom, clean him up and then secure him to the bed. Make him nice and comfortable." She purred, smirking down at Dean. "He’s going to be there a long time." 

"I’ll be back Dean-baby." Kate said, finger waving at him. "I think 30 minutes or so will be enough time for the pill to get into your system." 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck! This cannot be happening." Dean thought becoming a bit more frantic as he started to thrash, yank and pull at the chains, but they were too strong and too tight. 

The vamps waited a few minutes for Dean to calm down and then unchained him from the chair, leaving his feet and hands chained, not taking any chances. 

One pressed the knife again to Dean's throat. "Ok walk really slow to the bathroom Dean and we won’t hurt you but if you try to fight or try to escape we will because not all of us agree with her plan. So if you get yourself killed before her little ceremony, you’d be doing us a favor. Kate will then be forced to pick one of us as her king." 

"That's right." Hal sneered, taking the opportunity to punch Dean again in the stomach. "Yeah Deanny please make a move you stupid human. I should be up there with Kate not you, so give me a reason." Hal snarled and threw another punch. 

"Okay well maybe this is a good thing." Dean thought gasping in pain, curling over holding his stomach. "If Hal punches me again I am pretty sure that little blue pill and everything I ate yesterday will come pouring out." But instead Hal just laughed and pulled Dean into the bathroom. 

While Dean was still bent over in pain, they quickly unchained Dean's wrists and feet, ripped off his clothes and then chained Dean’s hands in front and attached the chain to a link in the floor giving Dean only a few feet of give. Dean never had a chance to try anything or even to formulate some kind of plan. 

"You have 15 minutes." Hal said. "Bathroom and shower and or I'll do it for you he threatened." Hal glared at Dean again and then paused taking a second to stare at Dean's naked body really looking at him for the first time. The fury Dean saw on Hal’s face slowly shifted to something Dean really didn't want to see on him. 

"Oh yeah." Hal said as lust blossomed across his face. "I can see where she is coming from, you’re a hot piece of ass. Not worthy of being our king but definitely worthy of a quick fuck. Look at those lips Hal said to the other vamps. Like a girl’s. Those are some pretty impressive cock sucking lips." Hal joked, and the other vamps laughed.

Dean gritted his teeth at the familiar taunts. They brought back memories of times in truck stops and even worse times in dirty motels with Sam sleeping in a room next door, Dean trapped with his father. Dean shook himself out of the bad memories, he needed to focus and try to escape. 

"If you dick around or try anything I’ll shower you myself and you won’t like what happens." Hal promised, his voice thick with want and anger.

"Motherfucker! I am going to enjoy chopping his head off." Dean thought. "If I can get free that is." The Mark was going crazy on Dean’s arm, pushing him to do something, screaming in Dean’s head to kill, kill, kill! Being threatened and hurt over and over was making it burn hotter and hotter, but fuck there was nothing Dean could do right now. He couldn’t get free at the moment. 

So Dean quickly took care of business and took a quick shower. When Dean came out he tucked his arm against his side hoping they wouldn’t notice the Mark.

Hal grabbed Dean from behind and pressed his cock against Dean’s ass grinding a little bit. "How’s that feel Deanny." Hal asked, reaching around to squeeze Dean’s cock painfully, laughing as Dean gasped in pain. 

"Fucking pervert!" Dean snarled. Dean brought his head back as hard as possible and enjoyed hearing the bone in Hal’s nose crack. 

"Fuck!" Hal cried out, pushing Dean to the floor. "I’m going to fucking kill you." He roared. 

The other two vamps grabbed Dean and pushed him quickly behind them. "Hal get the hell out of here you had that coming. Kate will kill you herself if she saw you touching him like that." 

After a tense stare off Hal stomped out of the room but not before turning and glaring at Dean with a promise of violence in his eyes, and Dean being Dean gave Hal an exaggerated wink and a large grin. Dean took some comfort in the fact that if a vampire could have actual smoke blow out of his ears from fury, it would have been Hal. 

Unfortunately, it was a small victory because Dean once again was hit on the back of head, causing him to lose focus for a minute. Then, before Dean knew it, he was flat on his back with his arms chained to the headboard above him and his ankles chained to the footboard. "Well craptastic." Dean thought because it was right about then that Dean started feeling the pill going to work. 

One of vamps came at Dean with a syringe and injected it into Dean’s arm before he could even try to flinch away. 

"What the hell was that." Dean shouted. "What else are you fuckers giving me?" 

"Relax." He said. "It’s just to make you feel good and relaxed, not fight so much." He chuckled. 

"Must be the good stuff." Dean thought because within a few seconds Dean he felt a rush of heat through his system and then Dean started to feel all floaty. "Shit Dean! Come on man stay focused!" Dean yelled to himself trying to hype himself up. "You can’t let this happen. Gotta fight. Fight. Relax. No, not relax. Fight. Yeah fight?" Dean argued with himself but soon found himself drifting on a marshmallow, no Dean snorted, not a marshmallow that would be stupid Dean grinned. It was a cloud. "Oh yeah." Dean sighed. "A nice, fluffy, soft cloud. I think I’ll just stay here." Dean decided, smiling and closing his eyes, letting himself drift away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for more non-con touching, kissing, some more violent. Nothing too serious. Bad stuff happens in next chapter. Also some reference to incest, child abuse and prostitution.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note there are a lot of triggering events in this chapter, its a really brutal for Dean. If you are triggered easily by rape, flashbacks and child sexual abuse (part of flashback but not graphic) you can skip this chapter entirely. I'll put a brief summary at the end for you if you do. 
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> Flashback is in italics. 
> 
> Again, thank you all for the kudos and comments. They are really, really appreciated.

Dean struggled back to awareness feeling sharp teeth biting his chest. "Oh Dean," Kate purred, "you taste so good, so much better than I imagined. I can’t wait to taste you when you are coming, it will be exquisite, and I see that pill is working wonders." Kate smirked while roughly grabbing Dean's very erect penis and rubbing her fingers across the slit. 

Unable to stop his moan Dean started struggling against the manacles and chains, ripping the skin on his wrists and ankles. "No, no, no, no, no!" Dean screamed in his head. _Dean suddenly found himself back in hell, listening as Alistair was chuckling in his ear, feeling Alistair pounding into Dean from behind. One of Alistair’s favorite ways of torturing Dean was to force Dean to enjoy his touch, to find pleasure in his torture._

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_This time Alistair had Dean chained to a bed just like Kate. Dean felt Alistair’s hot breath on Dean’s ear. "It's all about breaking the mind" Alistair sneered while humming "I’m in heaven" and thrusting into Dean viciously, making sure to hit Dean’s prostate with every thrust. "You hate me and yet I get your body to betray you" Alistair taunted, never pausing in his movements. ___

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_"Dean, Dean, Dean, sing for me," Alistair whispered seductively delighting in Dean’s cries and moans as pain and pleasure flowed through Dean’s body and Dean’s mind screamed in denial, wanting nothing more than for it to stop. ___

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_Alistair liked to talk while taking Dean a part, knowing that words caused Dean more pain than most of what Alistair did to Dean on the rack. "It’s such a pity that I was not the first." Alistair said in a calm tone while flicking, nipping and sucking at Dean's skin. Dean’s body tightened with anticipation and fear of more pain because Dean knew that whenever Alistair brought up John it would only cause Alistair to get really angry, the memory of John always triggered some weird possessiveness that Alistair had for Dean._

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_Tears streamed down Dean’s face as he buried himself in the pillow, trying to keep the screams, which Alistair loved to hear, at bay, but the reminder of John being Dean’s first caused Alistair to start fucking Dean harder, causing more tearing and bruising in Dean’s already torn and aching ass; his nipping turned into bites, his flicking turned to hard twists._

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_Unable to hold back the sound any longer, Dean screamed loudly as Alistair used his demon powers to make his dick grow in size and then with a twist and a laugh he made it grow tiny barbs that ripped and tore as he thrust in and out. Alistair laughed pleased with himself as Dean screamed at the increased fullness, burning and tearing. ___

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_The increased girth of Alistair’s penis caused more pressure to be placed against Dean’s prostate causing even more intense pleasure in the midst of all that pain, and Alistair reveled in the new sounds and screams Dean made, tut-tutting when Dean begged him to stop. “You know how to make me stop Dean.” Alistair purred. “Just say yes to me Dean. I know you want to. I’ll take away the pain and it just give you pleasure from now on. Come on Dean, say yes to me.” Alistair paused awaiting Dean’s response, but Dean just gritted out “Fuck you!” And Dean tried again to hold in his screams as Alistair started back up again. ___

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_Changing tactics, Alistair slithered out with his nasally voice. "I saw into your father’s mind. I saw all the times dear old daddy made you enjoy it. I could see in his memories how delicious you looked; the pain in your eyes is such a beautiful thing. You couldn’t stop him all those times, Dean. Your Daddy taught you to be the slut you are."_

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_Alistair laughed at the new level of pain his words brought to Dean’s eyes, but he never stopping fucking, he just kept talking and spewing words Dean never wanted to hear._

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_"All tied down and being raped by dear daddy and you still got it up, huh Dean? Alistair said seductively, pulling out and spinning Dean around so Dean was lying on his back forcing Dean to look into his eyes with his power._

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_Alistair thrust back in as Dean moaned and gasped in pain, struggling to get loose from his chains. Alistair just ignored Dean’s struggles and continued to spew filth. "You still followed all of daddy’s rules like such a good little soldier, a dirty cock slut, thinking you could handle anything, would do anything to protect your precious Sammy." Alistair laughed loudly at that, and looked at Dean with pity in his eyes. ___

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_"But you see, Dean, Daddy played you like a fiddle. I looked into your daddy's mind Dean, I know what he thought, what he would do and wouldn’t do. And, Daddy was never going to hurt Sammy despite his threats to keep you in line like an obedient little lap dog. Oh no, Sammy was too special to John."_

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_“Demons lie, demons lie, demons lie.” Dean repeated in his head but deep down Dean was afraid Alistair was right. Bitter anguish at the thought of what Alistair said was true flowed through Dean momentarily blocking out the pain and pleasure. Not wanting him to see how his words affected him, Dean shook his head in denial fighting to stop more tears._

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_“You’re lying Alistair.” Dean yelled, but Alistair just smiled. “Why lie when the truth hurts so much more Dean?” Alistair said kissing Dean gently while continuing with his violent thrusts._

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_Alistair moaned in delight at the shock, betrayal and hurt that Dean couldn't hide no matter how hard he tried flashed across Dean’s face. "Oh Dean, you were made for this, all that was preparing you for ME, you were made for ME!" Alistair screamed as he filled Dean’s body with burning demon cum. Dean shuttered in disgust as Alistair grabbed Dean’s cock and stroked him to orgasm._

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Another vicious bite right over his nipple harshly jerked Dean from the memory/flashback. Dean jerked aware again of where he was and Kate biting and drinking from him. 

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The drug they gave Dean to relax was letting loose memories Dean had shoved way back into his subconscious, causing him to mix up the present and past. Dean’s felt bile rise in his throat at the horror of the flashback. Finding himself in a similar position was too much right now, and Dean tried to retreat into his mind to try to find a safe place. 

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"Dean!" Kate screamed as she slapped him across the face. "Come on and stay with me beautiful. I want you seeing ME, feeling ME, your future queen." Dean shuttered in disgust again, his memory slipping back to Alistair with those words, but then snapping right back as Kate slapped Dean again. "I own you now Dean" Kate purred, lowering herself onto Dean's cock, her manic eyes locked with Dean's. 

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Dean could feel her walls gripping his unbearable erection tight and the slickness of her arousal, and Dean gasped trying to control his body, but he couldn’t control anything with the drugs in his system and being chained down. 

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"You bitch!" Dean growled. "I’m going to kill you for this. Slowly.., I'm gonna pull your fangs out one by one." Dean threatening while trying to stifle his moans as Kate started riding him. Again it was a mix of both pleasure and pain as Kate sucked and licked at Dean’s nipples, never stopping her movements, then suddenly biting deeply drinking up Dean’s blood. Dean found himself lost in a haze, wanting to cum and but wanting it all to stop, but Kate kept biting him everywhere and drawing small mouthfuls of Dean’s blood with every bite.

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Kate just laughed as Dean’s muttered more threats, and started riding him harder. "Ohh Dean-baby, you're sooo good." Kate moaned, grabbing Dean's chin and kissing him, sucking on his bottom lip then licking and nipping at his neck. "Oh yeah baby!" Kate screamed and right as they both orgasmed, Kate leaned down and tore a chunk out of Dean's neck, drinking deeply as Dean screamed out in pain and pleasure. 

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"Oh Dean, your so incredible tied down I can’t wait until we are mated and you are participating. We will never leave the bedroom." She cooed sitting back and watching Dean's face for a reaction. 

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Dean tried to let her words wash over him, trying to just focus on the pain in his chest and neck. "Fuck!" Dean cursed as Kate slid back and started biting the inside of his thighs now, working her way closer to his cock with bite after bite. Dean moaned in pain and tried again to get control of his body, but he was helpless as he grew hard as a rock again due to the damn Viagra. 

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“Nooo!” Dean was screaming over and over in his mind. "Was this some sort of sick punishment the universe was throwing at him?" Dean wondered, his mind scrambling to stay present and resist. “Was Dean being punished for what he did in hell and all the people Dean got killed?” 

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Dean figured he deserved a whole lot of pain for his failures, but this, this was too much. Dean would much rather be back on the rack than have to endure this again, but once again Dean found himself helpless. 

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Dean's mind was again was flooded with memories, of his father face sneering down on him as he forced himself on Dean, morphing into Alistair’s face and laugh as he made Dean crave his touch, countless guys at truck stops and bars. 

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Then just as suddenly Dean was forced out of his memories again and was back with this vampire bitch climbing on top of Dean again. All the while, the Mark was pulsing and burning Dean's arm so badly he couldn’t believe Kate didn’t see it. 

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"You fucking bitch!" Dean screamed as Kate slashed down his chest viciously with a fingernail and started drinking, starting to ride Dean hard again. 

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Dean was then finally able to fade back into his mind; the drugs, blood loss, memories, horror and pain finally allowed Dean to retreat into his mind. 

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Dean was not sure how long Kate was with him but by the time his mind started clearing and he rose back to full awareness, Dean's dick was raw and spent, and it felt like the drugs were finally out of his system. Kate was a panting mess on top of him, her face covered in his blood and their thighs slick with their release, her eyes glassed over in pleasure. 

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Dean tried again to glare but he was so hurt and Dean couldn’t stop tears still running down his face. Dean still managed to sound threatening though when he looked at her and snarled "I am going to kill you Kate, if it’s the last thing I do and then I’m going to kill every single vampire and tell them their dying because of you." 

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"Oh Dean-baby" Kate just laughed patting his cheek. "You'll be protecting them after the ritual, they will be your children, and you will never hurt them. You will never hurt me." She promised. 

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Dean started to slowly sink into despair, his mind and body overcome with everything that happened in the last few hours, when he heard Hal cleared his throat from the doorway, "Uh Kate? Hal said hesitantly. 

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"What!" Kate screamed swinging her head around to glare at Hal. "You dare come in here and interrupt me? 

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Dean watched as Hal swallowed hard, fear clear on his face and Dean almost found the energy to smirk at that. 

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"I.. I'm sorry, but it’s your father Kate. He said it’s important, he can’t reach you through the connection and he wants to talk to you uh now. He’s uh, he’s not happy." Hal quickly told Kate, his eyes on the floor. "Um, he gave me an address for you to meet him at, but he wants to see you now." 

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Dean noted with satisfaction that Kate paled at little at that and she grumbled "Fine I’ll be right there." Kate leaned down and gave Dean another kiss. 

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"Clean him up and get him something to eat and drink, then put him in one of the cells until I am ready for him again." Kate ordered. "I’ll see you soon Dean-baby." Kate smirked before getting up striding out of the room.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean suffers a flashback at the beginning of Kate's attack to a time when Alistair was raping Dean and making him enjoy it. It also discusses John forcing himself on Dean and using Sam as a way to keep Dean in line, Alistair uses the information to taunt and hurt Dean. Dean comes back to himself and suffers through Kate's attacks.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi this chapter is not as bad as the last one but there is some non-con in it. I will put a +++++ line at where it ends in case you want to skip it. 
> 
> For specific triggers see below. 
> 
> Teaser: In the next couple of chapters, we will hear from Sam and Cas.

Hal waited until Kate left the room and then walked over to Dean, his fear forgotten now that Kate was gone. Hal just stood there leering down at Dean; his eyes devouring Dean’s body making Dean fidget in disgust. "Will this nightmare ever end?" Dean asked himself. 

"So Deanny not so tough now are you, being Kate’s little toy? Hot shot hunter just got knocked down a peg or too. So, how’s it feel being a little bitch? Hal laughed, running his hand down Dean's chest through the blood. Hal moaned in pleasure when he sucked on his finger. 

Dean could feel the rage growing in him again, especially now that the drugs had worn off. The rage was pushing back all the horrible thoughts and feelings about what just happened to him. Dean could hear his father screaming at him. "Don’t let them see you afraid Dean. Man the fuck up you worthless…" 

Dean snapped out of his memory and threw Hal his best Dean Winchester death glare. It must have worked a bit because Hal’s paused for a second from reaching down to touch Dean again, but he recovered quickly. 

"Oh you still think so your tough don’t you?" Hal sneered. "Big bad hunter, it looks like I’m going to have to teach you another lesson huh Winchester bitch?" 

Another vampire, a female, came into the room and laughed when hearing Hal’s threats. "What’s the matter Hal, he too much for you?" She too raked her gaze over Dean’s body, her eyes filled with lust and hate. 

"You know." She said seductively. "Kate will be tied up for awhile. Let’s have a little fun before she comes back." The female vampire sat on the bed next to Dean picking up his cock and started fondling his balls, squeezing tightly causing Dean to gasp in pain. "Yeah she said sneering down at Dean, my supposed King to be, you killed one of my friends. I’m going to make you hurt, and then I can tell everyone how I got to put you in your place. That's gonna make me a freaking superstar." She laughed in glee while tugging and pulling harshly at Dean's cock and balls. 

"Fuck that!" Hal growled. "I don’t give a twig about anything other than those cock sucking lips needing to be put to good use." Hal smirked unbuckling his pants. 

Dean started pulling and struggling again against the chains again. "I swear I will make you wish for death if you touch me." Dean threatened. "Get your stinking hands off me!" Dean yelled, eyes going wide when Hal just ignored him and sat on Dean's chest. Hal's erection was staring Dean in the face. "Now remember, Deanny, don’t bite or you will turn." Hal chuckled darkly grabbing Dean’s jaw and forcing his mouth open slowly feeding his cock down Dean’s throat. 

Dean’s eyes started watering and he was gagging but Hal just ignored him. Dean heard a rustling that sounded like the girl vampire was starting to get undressed, and Dean felt the bed dip with her weight when one of the vamps from the van came into the room and screamed at Hal and the girl. 

"What the hell are you doing? You are going to get killed and get all of his killed." The vamp stomped over pushing the girl onto the ground and yanking Hal off Dean. 

Dean lay there gasping in air actually wanting to thank the vampire for a minute. Then he put on his best cocky smirk and said to Hal, "Oh poor little vampire didn’t get to finish his fun, why don’t you and that vampire shank go straight to hell." Dean growled letting his rage again take over. 

Hal looked pretty pissed off and frustrated at having his fun ruined again, but then he just leaned down and whispered to Dean. "Don’t be so cocky human, I have watch over the cells tonight, and I can’t wait to have you all to myself." 

Despite the rage flowing through Dean's body, he felt a flicker of icy fear at Hal's threats. "No fucking way this is happening again." Dean is going to have to make his move now or die trying. Dean just looked away from Hal not saying anything, trying to convey that he was defeated and afraid, and Dean heard Hal snicker in response. 

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Hal and the girl stepped back straightening their clothing, and the other vamp unchained Dean’s legs and hands from the bed. He kept Dean's hands manacled together in front of him, the manacles connected by a short chain. He then pulled Dean up and threw Dean's jeans at him.

"Get dressed." He ordered, and then yelled. "Seriously!" At Hal when Hal stepped forward to grab Dean and help him with his jeans. "Back the fuck off Hal, you're so dead if you keep this shit up."

Then all three started arguing with each other about getting caught and Dean not being worthy of being their king, and what was Hal thinking…. 

After putting on his jeans Dean took stock of the situation. Dean’s wrists were still chained; Dean was dizzy and swaying from all the blood loss and the remnants of drugs in his system; and Dean's body was screaming in pain from all the cuts, bruises, slashes and bites, but Dean dug deep and forced himself to focus. 

"This is my chance, maybe my only chance," Dean thought thinking about Hal's promise and Kate coming back to have more fun until the shaman arrived. Dean was not going through that again. "Never. Fucking. Again." Dean promised himself. 

Hal and the other vamps were still arguing over what Hal and the female had done, which gave Dean the time to take his shot as they were not paying any attention to him. 

So Dean focused his energy on the Mark and called his blade to him. With a rip, swoosh and a clink, Dean's blade was in his hands, and Dean's body shook with relief. Dean quickly cut through the chain connecting his wrists together, and that action called the vampires attention to Dean. 

Before the vamps could even process what they were seeing, Dean pivoted and stabbed Hal right in the groin. Dean took a second to savor the look on Hal's face before pulling the blade out and chopping off Hal's head. 

The other vamps just stood there in shock not believing what had happened. They were stunned that Dean now held a weapon, let alone that Dean was still able to stand and fight after everything that had happened. They looked at Dean with dawning fear and before the blink of an eye, both heads rolled with a single swipe of Dean's beautiful blade. 

Dean sighed in relief and stood there cradling the Blade, letting it calm his shaking body. Dean was thinking back to everything he had seen heard since coming here, and Dean gathered there were around 18 to 20 other vamps in the building. 

Dean was barely holding onto his conscious, his body swaying in fatigue, his vision going fuzzy from pain and blood loss, but Dean knew that he had to get it together. It was now or never. 

The Mark was pulsing like crazy after so many hours of Dean being hurt and unable to fight back combined with the blood lust from killing the three vampires. 

Dean realized with a little bit of fear that he had only one option left to him if he was going to survive and escape. Dean knew he really needed to get out of here now before Kate came back and hurt him again, before this stupid ceremony that would in essence end Dean’s life and strip him of his free will. 

So coming to the inevitable decision, Dean took a deep breath and muttered. "Here goes nothing." Dean then concentrated on the Mark, felt the connection, and then Dean gave himself completely over to the Mark for the first time since he got the blade. Dean opened himself up and let the power of the Mark fill him. The power, the rush, it was unlike anything Dean had ever felt. It was like the feeling of Cas’s grace when Cas healed him but amplified by a million, but it wasn't white, quiet and gentle; it was red, loud and violent. 

The Mark took over, filled up all Dean's emptiness, swirled and spilled into all the cracks leaving Dean feeling power, strength and blood lust. Dean's vision went from fuzzy white to pure red. 

Dean staggered a minute from the force of the power shooting through his body, and then Dean straightened up, grinned and stalked out of the room. Dean violently ran a swath through the vampires, each and everyone of their heads rolling, chests stabbed (as any death blow would do with the blade), which really seemed to shock them making Dean laugh in delight as more and more vampires fell at his feet and one by one they all met a grisly end. 

Finally they were all dead and Dean slowly started coming back to himself and he felt the Mark withdrawing. Dean just stood there chest heaving, red seeping away from his vision, drawing in deep breaths, "Was I even breathing through all that?" Dean wondered pushing down the insane urge to giggle. 

Dean looked at his hands, still in manacles, stained with blood. His arms, chest, legs, all covered, and Dean cringed in disgust at all the blood and gore covering him and slowly looked around. 

Dean found that he was in a living room of sorts, but before he could take in any more details, Dean started to shake, his body having reached its limits, and Dean collapsed onto what looked like a couch. Dean's eyes closed as he moaned in pain, his arms and legs felt like limp noodles, and his skin sticky and gross, but Dean forced himself to open his eyes as he was still in danger. 

Dean slowly opened his eyes and jerked back in shock as Crowley suddenly appeared before him.  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for non-con, violence, blood and gore. 
> 
> If you skipped the top part, Kate gets called away by her father and Hal and another vampire start to attack Dean. It is stopped by another vampire. 
> 
> I struggled on whether to add a gang bang tag because of this chapter but it never really happens so I did not add it, but if you feel I should add it please let me know. 
> 
> Dean finally gets his revenge on his attackers but at what cost?
> 
> Why is Crowley there?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, sorry this is a little late, but i got three chapters ready. The whole story is written but I am doing the editing chapter by chapter before I post. 
> 
> Thank you again for everyone who has read, kudos, and commented on the story. 
> 
> Not beta'd and all mistakes are my own. 
> 
> See end for triggers/warnings.

“I must be hallucinating.” Dean thought looking up at Crowley through blurry eyes and a blood covered face. “What are you doing here?” Dean mumbled. 

“Bloody hell darling, look at you. How bad are you hurt?” Crowley exclaimed. Crowley seemed genuinely worried and it made Dean smile a bit. Dean figured he could just let go now, float away into nothingness. He figured Sam was still safe, someone cared a little about Dean at the time of his death, he had just taken down a house full of vamps, so it’s as good a time as any to leave this pathetic life Dean mused as black began to creep around the edges of his vision. 

Dean closed his eyes waiting and ready for the end when Smack! Dean felt a sharp pain across his already bruised face. “What the actual fuck!” Dean’s thought as his eyes flew open, jerking back a bit when he saw that Crowley was getting ready to slap him again. 

“What the hell man?” Dean tried to yell but it just came out a soft mumble. 

“Oh good.” Crowley said with relief in his voice. “Come on, stick with me Squirrel, you hear me?” Crowley asked while shaking Dean a little. 

“I came here to rescue you but I guess you took care of all the monsters, nice job there.” Dean snorted at the fact that Crowley actually sounded a little like a proud papa. “But you mind telling me how you managed to pull that off Winchester?” Crowley looked pointedly at the cuffs still on Dean’s wrist and the chain dangling cut in half in between. “With your hands cuffed and hmm,” Crowley leaned in toward Dean and sniffed, “yep seems like more than half your blood having been drained, not to mention all your injuries and what is this?” Crowley sniffed again almost touching Dean’s neck with his nose causing a slight tickling sensation, “drugs?” 

Dean leaned so far back he almost fell and then glared up at Crowley starting to get mad, which was actually waking Dean’s brain up a bit. “Really Crowley, you’re here to rescue me? Where the fuck were you before that bitch vamp had me tied on the bed and…” Dean stopped his rant abruptly not wanting to let Crowley know all that had happened. Dean shivered a bit but gritted his teeth, “Nope, not going to think about that right now, just gonna push it down, talking about it won't do any good.” Dean lectured himself. 

Dean took a breath and looked back at Crowley trying for a cocky grin, which must have looked pretty pathetic judging from Crowley’s face. “M’fine.” Dean said. “Just tired.” 

“Okay Darling,” Crowley drawled. “I’m here and I think we need to get you to a hospital right now.” 

Crowley looked down again at Dean’s wrists still with the manacles on and snapped his fingers, and the cuffs just fell to the floor with a small crash. “Oh, yeah,” Dean thought rubbing at his wrists, “that feels better.” 

Crowley then put a hand on Dean’s shoulder and just as Crowley was about to snap the fingers of his other hand, Dean jerked away. “No friggin way Crowley! I’m not going to a hospital. I need to get back to the motel. Sam’s there and I don’t know how long it will be before they realize I’ve escaped and everyone here is dead.” 

Crowley just scoffed and tried to grab Dean’s shoulder again, but Dean pulled further away. 

“Look.” Dean explained to Crowley. “Kate is still alive, the leader of all this.” Dean explained when Crowley’s eyebrow went up in question. “I think the sigils blocking Cas blocked her connection to the other vamps too.” Dean said as more things clicked together in his mind, realizing that was why Kate's “father” was not able to connect with her. 

“I need to make sure Sam stays safe!” Dean insisted. Crowley just stared for a few seconds at Dean incredulously, and then growled out “No way Squirrel we are going to the hospital right now.” 

Anger and fear seeped into Dean as he tried to stand up straight and cross his arms in a stance of defiance causing Dean to gasp in pain. 

“Crowley man, come on, please, I have to get to Sam before something happens.” Dean could see Crowley starting to give in, realizing he was not going to win against Dean when it came to Sam’s safety. 

“Bloody frickin Winchester.” Crowley grumbled. “Ok fine Squirrel.” Crowley said while wagging his finger at Dean, and Dean started smiling realizing he was getting his way. “But if you start going south even just a bit and I’m zapping you to a hospital with or without your consent no matter what is happening, got it?” Crowley said rather forcefully. 

Dean nodded his smile slipping with a moan of pain at his movements, and Crowley’s expression softened as he looked at Dean. “Look I can’t heal you Darling, not without some kind of deal, otherwise I would in a flash.” Crowley said his voice heavy with regret.

Dean mumbled “I know, it’s cool, thanks,” while shuffling his feet a bit looking down. Dean was not sure how to handle this side of Crowley. To be honest, it was kind of creeping Dean out a little bit, but at the same time Dean felt a little spark of warmth inside. Dean realized that maybe Crowley actually did care about him as more than just a weapon and his best ticket back to his throne in hell. 

“Ok Squirrel, I get it, besides Moose is probably tearing everything up looking for you right now.” Crowley said. 

Dean felt a wave of crushing fear and sadness flow threw him, highly doubting that was the case as much as Dean would like it to be. 

“I don’t know, Crowley probably not, what time is it?” Dean asked snorting at Crowley’s who gives a fuck, are you nuts look. 

“Who the hell cares what time it is Dean, are you still with me?” Crowley asked as he patted Dean’s cheek lightly. 

“Yes, dammit!” Dean growled, slapping Crowley’s hand away. “Come on man, what time is it?” 

Crowley looked at his watch and said it was just about 9:00 am. 

“Oh well then.” Dean said. “Sam’s probably only just realizing I am not there and probably thinks I left on my own." Dean explained quickly telling Crowley about the vampires taking Dean’s bag and moving the Impala to stall Sam. 

Crowley appeared confused. “But how in the hell would Sam not know you were missing? You’ve been gone all night right? Your room’s a mess. There are two dead vamps on the floor, and blood everywhere.” 

Dean’s eyes snapped to Crowley's while his mind started racing. “How did Crowley know that? Maybe this was his doing after all.” Dean started to panic a little trying to figure out why Crowley would have a part in this while the Mark started immediately flooding Dean’s brain with thoughts and doubts. “Kill him, kill him. He’s out to get you. You can’t trust him.” 

Crowley just waved his hand nonchalantly at Dean, oblivious to Dean’s inner freak out. “I went there first to check on you after one of my crossroad demons gave me this crazy message. They said some vampire chick was all hysterical saying you were kidnapped and I had to save you. I thought it was a joke or a trap.” Crowley explained. 

Dean calmed down and took a deep breath. Dean was at first confused about who could have possibly contacted Crowley, but then it clicked. Annie the handsy little vamp that tased Dean.

Crowley continued. “I didn’t really believe her so I went to your room and saw the evidence so I zapped to the address she gave me. Crowley to the rescue.” He said as he spread his arms out to his sides and put one foot in front like a dance move. “Ta-dah.” Crowley chuckled. 

Dean actually found the energy to smile at that little display. “Yeah that would have been Annie, she said she had an idea about who to call but I thought she forgot or just gave up.” Dean explained, stricken for a minute with the thought that he had killed Annie in his Mark induced haze after she had in fact tried to help him, but Dean was pretty sure she wasn’t here any longer as she would have had to go and find the ingredients and a crossroad to summon a demon.

“Well” Crowley said “You have quite the fan there, couldn’t stop talking about you how perfect you are, how she can’t have you. She?” Crowley inquired one eyebrow raised? 

“Kate” Dean replied. “A vampire from the past, came to get revenge and …” Dean let it go at that. There was no need to get into any more detail and Dean did not want to talk about it. 

Crowley just looked at Dean for a minute waiting realizing Dean was leaving some valuable information out, but Crowley choose to just let it go for now. Dean appreciated that because Sam would have just kept pushing. 

“Look Crowley,” Dean implored I have to get back to the motel, what if Kate left someone on watch over there. I have to make sure Sam is safe.”

“Okay, Okay, relax squirrel. Here we go…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief mention of non-con


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hear from Sam in this chapter.

Okay now Sam was really getting pissed as he banged on the door to Dean’s room again. Dean knew they were leaving at 9 am. “He’s probably just being a bitch trying to piss me off.” Sam thought. 

Sam ran his fingers through his hair, letting a little doubt filter in. “Maybe he got too drunk last night and can’t answer the door. Maybe he went out and got in an accident.” Come to think of it, Sam looked around, the Impala was not in the lot. 

The manager said he heard yelling and banging coming from Dean’s room when he called Sam to complain last night. Sam could picture Dean just acting out, throwing a tantrum, getting drunk, all to get a rise out of Sam, so Sam told the manager he would take care of it and promptly went back to watching his movie. 

Sam was not going to fall for Dean’s juvenile acts and desperate bids for attention anymore. Besides Sam tried to reason to himself, business associates don’t help out drunken coworkers, that’s what brothers do. 

Once again though Sam felt the doubt and shame creep into him recalling the look on Dean’s face when he told him they were just business partners now. Sam never really thought Dean would agree to it, but sure enough, Dean just put his head down and barreled through the hurt like he always does. Sam had watched as Dean struggled for a few minutes, trying to get a hold of his emotions before he finally erected that damn wall before sighing and getting in the car. Sam could almost see those mental walls snapping up around Dean. 

Sam’s chest had squeezed painfully tight at what he had just said, hardly able to believe those words had come out of his mouth. Did he really just disown his brother, Dean? Dean who gave Sam everything, always putting Sam first, who only ever protected Sam and tried to keep him safe? 

As Sam was waiting in the car, he got that feeling in the pit of his stomach that he got when he knew he did something really wrong, but then just as quickly Sam’s anger and feelings of betrayal came rushing back and took precedence. When Dean had finally gotten in the car and started to drive them away, Sam had just stared out the window not saying anything. 

Now thinking again about Gadreel and Kevin and all the lies, Sam felt his anger rising all over again. Sam yanked his lock pick out and had the door open in less than 30 seconds. He stepped in the room and just stopped and stared, dread creeping up his spine. 

“OMG!” Sam’s said as his heart started racing. The room was trashed, furniture toppled over and broken, blood streaks across the wall. Sam stepped closer and saw legs on the floor. “Oh god, oh god, not Dean, please not Dean.” Sam prayed as he stepped around the bed. The relief was almost overwhelming as Sam saw it was not Dean. Sam looked around taking in no head attached to the body, another body, another head, but wait, no Dean. 

“What the hell happened here last night and where the hell was Dean?” Sam wondered, his mind racing with all possible things that could have happened.

Sam realized with a sinking feeling and overwhelming guilt that the call from the manger about all the noise wasn’t Dean behaving like a child, it was him fighting for his life, and Sam just put the phone down and went back to ignoring his existence. 

“Oh no. What did I do?” Sam cried out to himself. The call from the manager was what, almost 12 hours ago. “Shit, shit shit!” Sam went to grab his phone to call Dean’s cell see if by some miracle he answered when in popped Dean and Crowley. 

“Crowley! What the actual fuck?” Sam felt his anger rise along with a protective instinct that he hadn’t felt for Dean in awhile. “If he hurt Dean so help me.” Sam promised. 

Sam watched as Crowley, who seemed to be holding onto a little too tight to Dean, deposited him gently on the bed and Dean kinda smiled thanks at him. 

“Okay, wait what is happening?” Sam wondered, his heart doing a little leap when he saw that Dean was covered in blood and gore and was holding onto the first blade like a lifeline, his entire body trembling. 

Dean turned then and noticed Sam and exclaimed, “Sammy! Oh, ah, sorry Sam.” Dean corrected. “Thank god.” And Sam could see stark relief on Dean’s face. Sam thought he heard Dean mumble under his breath something that sounded like “Thank god you're safe.” but Dean knew better than to say that out loud to Sam since Dean’s over protectiveness was such an issue at the moment between them, but it still made Sam feel a little warm inside. And again, guilt and shame ran through Sam at the fact that Dean had to now hide his concern for Sam. 

Sam’s eyes widened as he watched Crowley reach out and run a hand through Dean’s hair all gentle. “How you doing Squirrel? Crowley asked. 

“What the actual fuck.” Sam thought again, as he felt his ever present anger spiking, although this time mixed surprisingly with jealousy. Crowley is there comforting his brother, his filthy demon hands touching Dean and Dean was just sitting there letting him. “Oh hell no!” Sam thought furiously. 

“Crowley” Get away from him.” Sam growled out in a threatening manner as he simultaneously pulled out Ruby’s knife out and started to advance only to be brought up short by Dean’s shout. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sammi.. Sam, just chill!” Dean shouted. Crowley was helping me. 

“That’s right Moose, calm down.” Crowley drawled stepping back putting his hands up and out. “I’m just the rescue party. Well rescue is the wrong word seeing as your brother had already rescued himself and took out all the bad guys before I showed up, but hey I figured I would give him a ride since I was there and all that.” Crowley smirked at Sam. 

“What?” Sam faltered. What!” Sam exclaimed again turning to Dean in question. 

Dean stood up a little shaky but then gathered himself and said. “Look Sammi.. Sam, Crowley did help. He brought me back here, but we need to leave. I need to wash this blood off, and don’t worry” Dean said with a grimace that Sam thought was supposed to be a grin, “It's not mine, well most of its not.” Dean said looking down as if ashamed. 

Sam just stood there very confused and worried at how weak Dean sounded as Dean continued. “The Impala is down the street I think.” Dean said. “Could you go grab it while I take a super quick shower and then we have to go.” Dean said urgently. 

Dean finally looked directly at Sam with a hopeful expression that Sam would just do as he asked without an argument. At Sam continued silence, Dean said “Look, I’ll tell you everything later, please Sammi…, son of a bitch.” Dean cursed himself under his breath. “Sam.” Dean implored. 

Alright Sam thought he could do that since Dean seemed really adamant, his answers could wait. Sam looked at Crowley and Crowley announced he was taking off. “Taxi ride over.” He smirked. 

Crowley and Dean held eye contact and there was some kind of silent communication between the two which made Sam's blood boil all over again. “I’m good man.” Dean said with a smile. 

Crowley put his hand up to snap out but Dean stopped him. 

"Hey wait a sec. " Crowley stopped and looked at ,Dean and Dean said softly. "Thanks man, really thanks." 

"Anything for you Squirrel." Crowley answered and then snapped out. 

Sam felt anger and again jealously, although he would never admit that, but geez that little display of affection, no fucking way. Dean is not supposed to look at anyone else like that, let alone be thanking the King of frigging hell! 

Sam felt himself glaring at Dean with what Dean calls Bitch face number 20 or something and raised an eyebrow like what the fuck Dean. Dean could see how angry Sam was and Dean just sort of deflated. 

"Look Sam, please just get the car, I need to get the blood off and we need to leave, save the yelling for after we are outta of here okay?"

"Fine." Sam growled and stomped out the door. Sam thought he heard a whispered, "I’m fine by the way thanks for asking" from Dean but Sam just dismissed it and went to fetch the Impala. Sam's anger and coming down from the adrenaline induced fear Sam felt when he first opened the door to the room and saw its state and no Dean was blinding him to anything else at the moment so he just left without another word.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angry Sam and Dean's self hatred. See below for more triggers.
> 
> All mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Thank you again for reading.

"Well ain't that a kick in the balls. Sammy’s pissed off. No are you alright Dean? Let me check you for injuries. Tell me what happened." with puppy dog eyes, gripping Dean tight. All that’s in the past now, once again cementing to Dean how bad things were between them and how it was looking like they were never going to get fixed. 

Dean's chest started hurting again and the Mark was throbbing. "Can you die of a broken heart?" Dean wondered once again. "Not likely." Dean snorted to himself. "He would have been dead a thousand times over by now if that was the case." 

Feeling the Mark pulse again, Dean looked down at it admonishing it. "Seriously, what the hell, 20 vamps and you're still hungry? 

Dean could feel fear again seep into his bones. "This is really bad." Dean needs help with this, this thing on his arm, and it's getting so much worse. Usually after a single kill the Mark would calm down and not be so pushy I guess for lack of a better word, but now after all that violence it still wanted more. 

Dean wondered as he hopped in the shower if that’s because he gave into it and let it take complete control of him for the first time. Did Dean just make things even worse than they were before? "Probably." Dean grunted. That is what Dean does, fuck up and then fuck up even worse. "Your poison, remember Dean." He whispered to himself. 

Dean felt tears start to fall but then got angry at himself. Really he just needed to suck it up. "That’s right son." Dean could hear his Dad’s voice yelling in his head. "Suck it up, men don’t cry, hunters don’t cry, stop being a pussy you worthless little fuck, can’t you do anything right!" Dad screamed at Dean as another punch landed… 

"Whoa okay." Dean shook his head to make the memory stop. "No need to bring that shit up after everything that just happened. Dean knew he just had to man up, find Abaddon quick before the Mark got worse and go out with a bang. Dean needed to do one good thing for this world he messed up so badly, show Sammy how sorry he was and Dean just needed to hold on. But Christ, the Mark, the pain, what Kate did, Hal, Dad, Gadreel, Sam, oh god, Sam, Kevin, Cas, it all just crashed down on Dean. 

Dean sunk down in the shower, his knees folded into his chest and just let go for a minute because it was. Just. Too. Much. Dean sobbed and screamed into his legs, squeezing his head with his hands. "Did he really need this shit to happen on top of everything else? How much can one person stand? Really even though Dean felt he deserved most of the crap he got dealt, he still had to wonder how much more, while screaming in his mind that it was. Just. Too. Damn. Much. 

Dean stayed like that for a few more minutes before realizing that Sam would be coming back soon and he needed to pull it together. Dean got out of the shower shaking like a leaf and took stock of the damage. Dean's biggest issue was the slash across his chest. It was still bleeding, not profusely, just oozing. 

Dean threw on some jeans and a long sleeve shirt to cover up the mess of his wrists, the skin practically shredded from him trying to pull free of the manacles. Belatedly Dean realized Crowley must have grabbed it or went back for his bag, and Dean silently thanked him. Dean then grabbed a towel and pressed it against his chest under the shirt and walked out. 

Dean heard the sound of the Impala so he grabbed two pillows from the bed and went out to meet Sam. As Dean walked up to the car he could see that Sam still looked pretty pissed and Dean was really starting to not feel well, his vision was starting to blacken around the edges. 

"Hey you think you could drive Sam? I'm not sure I can manage it." Dean said, just about at the end of his rope, hoping Sam would just agree and leave the Q and A for a little later. 

Sam without turning his head to look at Dean just grumbled "Yeah whatever, get in I thought we were in a hurry." 

Dean just snorted and got in the back seat, put the pillows under his head and closed his eyes. "Let me rest for a few minutes." Dean thought, then he would tell Sam everything, just a few minutes." But Dean's head was swimming and his body started to feel numb and Dean just tumbled into oblivion once again. 

"Well that’s just great. Dean gets in the car like nothing at all happened and promptly falls asleep. The jackass!" Sam swore. Here Sam is waiting to hear what the hell happened, how he ended up with Crowley, who were the big bads they needed to run from and Dean goes to freaking sleep. "Bastard!" Sam thinks again ignoring the tickling in the back of his mind that maybe something is wrong. 

So Sam just floors it and drives toward the bunker, his anger a constant the whole ride pushing all other thoughts or doubts aside. 

"Dean!" Sam screamed still really pissed and upset. "Dean!!!" Sam screamed again, watching as Dean started to stir and crack his eyes open a sliver. 

"We’re back at the bunker, you going to get up anytime soon." Sam sneered. 

Dean looked confused for a moment and then mumbled getting out of the car. "Okay, sorry, getting up. Look I didn’t mean to…." 

"What." Sam shouts cutting Dean off mid sentence. "You didn’t mean to fall asleep, not tell me why we had to high tail it out of there, promise me answers and then just go to fucking sleep. What the hell Dean? I mean could you be more selfish?" Sam shouted. 

Sam watched as Dean’s face crumbled at his words and again that guilt came flooding back but Sam was just too worked up now. He had had 3 hours of driving to whip himself into a frenzy of anger and self righteousness. "Dean’s lucky Sam doesn’t punch him." Sam thinks clenching his fist by his side. 

Dean looked at Sam’s face then down at his hand and slowly but surely the blank mask of Dean fell right back into place. 

"Sorry." Dean said. "I’m gonna take a better shower I still smell like blood, thanks for driving." And then Dean just walked past Sam and into the bunker. 

"God damn it!" Sam kicked at a bucket sending it flying across the garage. Sam should have just let Dean talk instead of blowing up at him, but Sam just needed some answers. Sam wanted to know what the hell was going on. 

Sam stomped into the bunker going into the library and sat down. He grabbed a book but just stared off in the distance, again trying to make sense out of everything that happened and what was going on with Dean. 

Sam was thinking that he was not sure this was going to work anymore, even with the whole new professional only thing going on it seemed that things were getting worse between him and Dean. Everything was making Sam feel angry, but not guilty, nope, nope, not guilty Sam reassured himself. Sam had every right to be mad he tried to reason and Dean is just so infuriating. 

Not two minutes later Sam heard a loud violent banging on the door to the bunker. "Okay now what?" Sam groused as he got to his feet to go and see whoever was trying to break the door down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean breaks down. Brief mention of child abuse and dying. Angry Sam.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, thank you again for reading and giving kudos and comments. See end for notes. 
> 
> I changed the nature of Cas and Dean's profound bond to fit the story, plus I always like to imagine it would work this way. 
> 
> Not beta'd and all mistakes are mine.

Sam opens the door and sees its Cas, and he has this crazy look in his eye, his clothes are all rumbled and his hair sticking every which way, more than usual. 

"Sam, what’s happened? Where’s Dean?" Cas demanded as his eyes flicking everywhere. 

Sam just stared at Cas a minute taken aback at Cas’ appearance and agitation trying to figure out what the problem was when Cas losing what little patience he had grabbed Sam's shirt with both hands and shook him. "Where’s Dean?" Cas practically growled at Sam. 

"What the fuck Cas?" Sam said stepping back. "He’s in the shower, what’s the matter with you? Sam asked starting to get annoyed. 

Sam watched as Cas visibly deflated a little bit and Sam heard him say "Thank father" under his breath. 

Cas looked at Sam, his eyes still wild. "I thought he was dead. Oh my father, Sam. I thought he was dead and then…" Cas' voice trailed off at the end, but then Cas seemed to focus again and looked at Sam and demanded. "What the hell happened?" 

"Cas." Sam said. "Calm down and come downstairs and sit for a minute." Sam coaxed Cas down the stairs watching him warily unsure how to handle his rapid mood swings, which were very unusual for the normally stoic angel. 

As soon as they were down the stairs and in the war room, Cas started pacing and grabbing his hair again muttering to himself. "I mean all of a sudden there was just nothing, nothing at all Sam." Cas looked up at Sam almost vibrating in his agitation. "All night! Just nothing. What was I suppose to think?" Cas demanded. 

“What the hell are you talking about Cas? What nothing?" Sam asked in exacerbation. 

"Listen." Cas said to Sam in a tone of voice like Cas was trying to explain something to a child making Sam bristle in response. "My connection with Dean its.." And Cas paused trying to find the proper words. 

"Yeah I know Cas. Profound bond and all that bullshit right? Sam sneered, the whole idea of Dean having a profound bond with anyone always rankled Sam. Dean was his brother, even if he didn’t want him as a brother anymore. 

Cas' eyes narrowed and Sam could see anger starting to seep through Cas’ panic. "It’s not bullshit Sam." Cas spat out. 

Sam stepped back lifting both hands in front of him in a whoa-type gesture, and Sam watched as Castiel forced himself to calm down with a couple of deep breaths. If Sam didn’t know any better he would think Castiel was counting to 10 in his head.

"I can usually feel Dean even if he’s far away. I always feel a part of him, a connection to him, and last night it was just gone. Nothing! Cas said his voice rising again, his hands flailing up. “Nothing for hours and hours no matter how far I reached, how hard I tried to connect!" 

Sam was surprised not having realized their connection was that strong, and again a small petty part of Sam didn’t like hearing it, so Sam choose not to further explore that at the moment. 

Castiel started pacing and pulling at his hair again as he continued to try and explain. "I thought it might have been my stolen Grace, but Dean was there and then he wasn’t. And..” Cas turned wide eyes to Sam. “I felt pain, deep emotional pain, then I felt fear, and then poof Dean was gone, for hours and hours. He was completely off my radar." Cas spoke rapidly, his speech accelerating with his agitation. 

"I tried to call Dean over and over, but I got no answer. Then I tried to call you over and over, but I got no answer. Why the hell didn’t you answer the phone? Cas shouted at Sam but not pausing enough to let Sam answer. 

"And then all of a sudden I can feel Dean again, but he’s different. He's all broken up and fractured- like and in pain, so much pain. What the hell is going on Sam? I need to see him." Cas demanded again not waiting for Sam to answer. 

"Oh crap." Sam thought as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. Sam had turned it off last night after the manger had called, not wanting to deal with Dean’s bullshit, and Sam had never turned it back on. "Crap, crap, crap." Sam swore furiously to himself as guilt settled like a hard lump in his stomach. 

"Listen Cas. Dean was, I guess, kidnapped last night, but he’s fine now. He’s in the shower. His phone was probably damaged during the fighting or they took it or whatever." Sam guessed, not really know what happened, and Sam choose to not mention turning off his phone because then he would have to admit why he did it. 

"What! He was kidnapped? Cas shouted, turning quickly to head to the showers. 

"Cas." Sam said grabbing the angel’s arm to stop him. “Look, Dean’s fine." 

But Cas just jerked out of Sam’s grasp and kept on going not paying attention to Sam so Sam followed figuring there would be another shouting match about to happen. An angry Cas is never a good thing, especially for Dean. 

Sam was trailing behind Cas when Cas without knocking just pushed open the door to the shower room. Sam watched as Cas became very still as he stared into the room, and Sam felt a feeling of dread start to creep in.

“What is it Cas? What’s wrong." Sam asked. 

Cas turned and Sam was taken aback by the venom in Cas' eyes. "Oh, he's fine, really Sam?" Cas growled out just before barging into the shower room. 

Sam followed and stopped in the doorway to see what was wrong. Sam could see Dean sprawled out on the floor wearing boxers and that stupid dead man’s robe, which was open exposing most of Dean’s body. Sam looked at Dean in horror seeing that Dean was covered in deep scratch marks and, what the hell, bite marks all over his chest, his stomach and oh god, his thighs. Sam swallowed the bile that rose in his throat when he followed the bite marks as they disappeared under Dean's boxers, but Sam's mind refused to dwell on the possible implications of those bite marks. 

Sam saw that Dean's wrists and ankles were torn up, his neck had had a large chunk taken out of it near the junction of his chest, and there was a wicked looking slash across Dean's chest from shoulder to mid naval, half of which had been haphazardly stitched up and the thread and needle were hanging down from the cut. 

But worst of it was how pale Dean was. His skin was almost as white as the floor, and looked to be barely breathing. 

"Oh god!" That feeling of dread once again consumed Sam as his mind started racing. Dean is so hurt and Sam had just ignored him, had even gotten mad and yelled at Dean. Sam felt sick but then he thought. "What the fuck. Dean never said a word and Sam is not a mind reader, so it’s not entirely Sam’s fault." Sam rationalized trying to convince himself he had nothing to feel guilty about. 

"Dean!" Cas yelled, plopping down at Dean's side his eyes flicking to each of Dean's injuries. Cas' eyes were burning blue in anger and worry. "Dean!" Cas cried again, lightly tapping Dean’s face.

Sam let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding when Dean thank god started to move a little bit. Sam watched as Dean grimaced and then opened his eyes. 

"What, who?" Dean mumbled, looking puzzled. Dean looked around, his eyes dazed, and then Dean finally realized he was lying on the floor with his robe open. "What the hell?" Dean said without much force as he tried to sit up. 

Cas reached a hand out to help him but Dean just jerked back almost falling again from where he started to rise. 

Cas stood there frozen his hand out. "Dean? What’s wrong." Cas asked his voice heavy with concern. 

Dean with a pleading pain filled expression on his face said. "I’m sorry, please don’t touch me. Just give me a sec." 

Dean pulled the robe closed and slowly started to stand up with an arm out holding Cas off. Dean's eyes when he glanced up at Sam were, oh god, filled to the brim with pain and fear. Sam's breath hitched at the broken look on Dean's face. "What happening? Sam thought to himself. "What the hell happened last night?" 

Sam looked at Cas for guidance and Sam saw that Cas had tears in his eyes and was staring at Dean in the way he does like Dean is the entire world, but there was sadness and concern in his eyes. 

Cas tilted his head trying to meet Dean's eyes as he softly said. "Okay Dean. It's fine. It's just me Cas, your okay. Let me help you stand, get you back to your room okay so you can sit?" 

Cas started to slowly walk to Dean, but Dean got a panicked look in his eyes and backed up further. "No, No, no." Dean whispered staring right through Cas, but slowly more recognition fell into Dean's eyes at Cas' quiet murmurs. 

 

Sam sighed in relief as Dean came back to himself, and snorted in amusement when Dean's cheeks and the tips of his ears turned red as he blushed in embarrassment. It would be so damn cute in any other situation. 

"M’fine." Dean said. "Really M’ fine." Dean repeated more forcefully and Sam watched as the great walls of Dean rose up. Dean's eyes went dead and all those emotions so painfully on display were pushed down. 

Dean got himself up and holding his robe tightly closed walked out toward his room holding onto the wall for support. Cas let Dean slip out of the bathroom while keeping his arms out to his side treating Dean like a frightened animal and then followed Dean to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing really triggering here except Cas and Sam see how injured Dean is and Dean briefly thinks he is back with Kate.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi here is another chapter. I expanded upon what Cas feels/sees when he heals someone to fit the story. 
> 
> I had a hard time with these two chapters and learned that yes over editing does exist. I finally had to stop and just post. 
> 
> This chapter is a bit longer than usual because there was just no real good place to split it up. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine.

Castiel stood with his arms down to appear nonthreatening and let Dean walk past him and then started to follow. Castiel' nerves were frayed and he was still shaking. Castiel wondered if some of the emotions he felt being human had stuck with him because Castiel finally understand what the expressions “scared to death” or “nervous wreck” meant. 

Castiel struggled to remain calm, but it was difficult after running on fear all night after he "lost" Dean and rushing to the bunker after not being able to reach Sam or Dean by phone. And then to come to the bunker feeling foolish at first in the face of Sam's nonchalance and indifference, which were very puzzling and worrisome. Then Castiel was back to feeling anxious and worried upon hearing that Dean had been kidnapped, and the sight of Dean looking near death laid out on the shower room floor would haunt Castiel. 

But right now Castiel needed to focus on how to help Dean, and he was still confused at Dean’s reactions. For some reason Dean didn't want Castiel to help him or touch him, and all Castiel wanted to do was taken away Dean’s pain. 

So Castiel followed Dean into his room and watched as Dean sat down slowly on a chair wincing in pain, and Castiel took a seat across from Dean. Castiel saw that Sam was hovering in the doorway and frowned at the uneasy and slightly guilty look on Sam’s face. Castiel had a feeling he had missed something important while he was helping the angels. 

"Sam?" Castiel asked. "Could you get Dean some water or Gatorade or something? Sam said sure looking almost relieved to have something to do and took off down the hall. 

Dean looked at Castiel and shook his head. "You shouldn't have asked him that Cas." 

"What, why not, Dean? Castiel said as he squinted in confusion at Dean.

"Cause." Dean said and paused looking down his voice sounding shaky. "Sam doesn't need to be catering to me, uh I, we, umm, we don't have that kind of a relationship anymore." Dean said and Castiel almost flinched at the look of grief that flashed in Dean's eyes before he got control of himself.

Castiel just stared at Dean his mind racing not really processing what Dean was saying as it made no sense. Dean moved slightly and again winced in pain. 

"Dean, please let me heal you and then we can talk." Castiel entreated while simultaneously reaching out to touch Dean's forehead. Castiel jerked in surprise as Dean vehemently said “No!” as Dean twisted his head away from Castiel' hand. 

"No Cas, just no." Dean said, and Castiel was hurt and confused at Dean’s refusal. Dean only ever declined Castiel’s help with being healed when Sam was also hurt, always making sure Castiel healed Sam first. 

"Why not Dean?" Cas asked. 

"Look." Dean said. "It's not bad really. It's mostly blood loss and you can't do anything about that. So please just don't waste your grace on me okay, it’s limited." 

"Dean." Cas said grinding his teeth a little in frustration. "It's not a waste, please let me." And Cas reached out again to touch Dean but Dean jerked back so violently this time he almost upended the chair he was sitting in. 

"Cas please, just don't." Dean pleaded, his eyes a little wild.

"Dean, I do not understand." Cas huffed out. 

Dean looked up and just stared at Cas for a few moments and realizing Castiel wasn’t going to let it go sighed deeply. 

”Look, I know when you heal me you can see or get a feel for what happened, for what caused the injury right? Dean stated rather than asked. 

"Yes." Castiel replied still very confused. 

"Okay, then." Dean sat back with a finality like everything was settled, trying to cross his arms across his chest in a protective manner, but stopping when it was too painful. 

Castiel frowned and just waited and Dean sighed again rubbing the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation.

"I just, I can't, I.. Please, Cas, I just, I don't want you to see. Can you just let this go? M' fine and I, I just, please." Dean begged and Castiel felt a weird sensation in his vessel's heart as tears gathered in Dean's eyes. 

"I just got dizzy while stitching myself up, I'm really okay." Dean said as if that would reassure Castiel. But Castiel has always tried to respect Dean’s wishes when it came to personal space, watching him sleep or going into his dreams, so Castiel gave in.

"Okay Dean. I'll respect your wishes but I still do not understand." Castiel agreed but he really wanted to be able to understand. However, Dean looked like he was really struggling with his emotions and Castiel didn’t want to push him any harder. 

"Okay. Thank you." Dean said letting out a relieved breath. "And thanks for offering. I mean, just thanks." Dean said in a soft voice full of an emotion Castiel couldn’t quite identify.

As Dean relaxed back in the chair, Castiel noticed the thread and needle that still hanging from the half stitched chest wound where Dean had apparently been trying to stitch himself up. 

Castiel tilted his head in question. "Dean, why didn't you have Sam stitch you up, why were you trying to do it yourself?"

"Oh." Dean said looking down and breaking the thread off as close to his chest as he could with a hiss of pain. "It's fine." Dean waved his hand dismissively. "We um, like I said, we don't have that kind of relationship anymore." 

"Dean, what are you talking about? Sam's your brother of course he would want to help you get patched up." Castiel replied but instead of agreeing, Dean just put his head down and pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers trying to hold back more tears. 

"Oh right, I guess you never got the memo. Cas, Sam and me, well, we're not brothers anymore." Dean explained giving a soft self depreciating chuckle. 

Castiel just stared stupidly at Dean unable to comprehend what he was hearing. "Dean I do not understand." Castiel repeated for what felt like the hundredth time since arriving at the bunker, and Castiel was really getting exasperated at this point. Nothing has made sense since Castiel got here and Castiel felt uncomfortably out of his element. 

"Sam's mad. And he has very right to be." Dean was quick to add at Castiel’s frown. 

"It was either stay separated or come back on Sam's terms, and his terms we that we were no longer brothers and everything between us is just professional from now on." Dean explained, trying and failing to hide his hurt. 

"No Dean." Cas said as he shook his head in disbelief. "He couldn't have meant that, you must have misunderstood. Sam would not say something so cruel to you no matter how upset he was." 

"Yeah , well." Dean said trying and failing again to hold back more tears. Castiel again felt a weird feeling in his vessel. Dean was never this open with his emotions and that in itself really concerned Castiel. 

"Sam did say it, and he meant it. And you know what?" Dean said with small laugh. "That's not even the worst thing he said to me." 

Hearing this and seeing the look of such utter defeat and pain in Dean's eyes Castiel feel a wave of rage wash through him. Castiel’s felt his wings spread out behind him and flutter in agitation. 

Dean looked up and noticed how mad Castiel was getting. “Come on, Cas calm down. It’s cool okay. I deserve it. I deserve worse. So don't blame Sam. Sam’s doing what he needs to do to be okay with things and I just have to respect that. I’m the only one to blame here Cas.” Dean entreated, still unable to drop the protective brother act as he tried to direct Castiel’s anger back to Dean himself. 

“Dean, you don't deserve this. I wish you would stop saying stuff like that.” Castiel growled grabbing Dean’s chin and forcing him to look up forgetting the hands off rule in his anger. 

Dean flinched and fear flashed through his eyes at the sudden contact, but then Dean sighed wearily and whispered. "Cas I know you think I deserve to be saved or have good things to happen to me, but it's not true. It's never been true. You should have left me in hell then all this shit wouldn't have happened and all the people I loved wouldn't have died or worse." 

Dean was crying softly now and Castiel' heart broke. Castiel couldn't understand how such a wonderful human being who was so willing to sacrifice himself, give everything he has over and over for his family and even for total strangers could still think so little of himself, still think he deserved all the bad things that kept happening. 

"Dean! Stop, you're wrong!" Castiel stated vehemently, fisting his hands to keep himself from grabbing and shaking some sense into Dean.  
"No Cas, Dean said sadly, looking right into Cas' eyes. "I'm really not, you just can't see it." 

Cas was about to argue with Dean some more when Sam stepped into the room, clearly uncomfortable, and handed Dean a bottle of Gatorade. 

Dean cleared his throat, looking sideways trying to wipe the tears away hoping Sam didn't notice and looked up at Sam. 

“Thanks.” Dean said. “Cas shouldn't have asked you do that, I'm sorry.” 

Castiel looked at Sam who looked angry and frustrated at Dean’s statement. 

“Dean for Christ's sake. I can get you a goddamn drink. Why do you have to push everything so far, and why in the hell didn't you tell me you were hurt, you let..” 

Castiel was hoping Sam would continue so he could figure out what had gone so wrong between the brothers but Dean cut Sam off.

“Sammi.., uh Sam, you never asked if I was hurt and I was not going to volunteer that information to a work colleague.” Dean sneered, some color coming back into his face as he started to get angry. 

“I'm trying to respect your boundaries so you can't get mad me when I don't and then get mad at me when I do.” Dean complained, his anger evaporating as quickly as he rose up. 

Castiel noticed that Sam seemed to be fighting between frustration and anger, and Castiel imagined Sam was fighting the same impulse to grab and shake Dean. 

Sam opened his mouth a few times to say something and then just threw his hands up in exasperation, anger unfortunately winning. “You know what Dean, screw you!” Sam yelled and the stomped out of the room. 

“Well that went peachy.” Dean said trying to grin but failing miserably. Castiel noted with concern that Dean was starting to look even more pale, sweat was beading up on his skin and Dean started to sway in his seat. 

“I think I need to lie down Cas.” Dean said his voice sounding weak and thready. 

“Okay let me help you.” Castiel offered starting to rise but Dean quickly said “No, M’ good. 

Dean pushed himself up and lurched towards the bed and lied down. Dean huffed in relief and turned his head and stared at Castiel for a few seconds, his eyes dark and guarded, but determined. 

“Cas. you don't have to stay. I mean the whole heaven thing, finding Metatron, helping your angels, it’s more important. I really appreciate your checking up on me and worrying about me but M’ fine you can go. You should go.” 

“No Dean I'm not going anywhere just yet.” Cas said, getting frustrated again that Dean thought he was so unimportant, especially to Castiel. 

Castiel sat in silence for a few minutes before speaking again. “What happened to you, Dean? Why was I blocked from feeling you? I thought you were dead Dean.” Castiel explained unable to hide his shudder at the reminder of how it felt when he lost his connection with Dean. Castiel was hoping he could finally get some answers from Dean.

Dean’s eyes softened in concern and guilt. “I’m really sorry Cas. I didn’t know or I would have contacted you as soon as I could. It was just someone out for some revenge from years ago. It wasn’t a big deal.” Dean explained obviously lying. 

“I handled it.” Dean looked like he was going to say more and then seemed to think better of it, which let Castiel know there was a lot more to the story that Dean wasn’t telling him. 

“They warded the place they took me, even the van we traveled in. I guess they figured I would try to call you for help. So that's probably why.” Dean explained. 

“Hey, you can still hear prayers with your stolen grace?” Dean asked.

Castiel frowned at the change of topic, but answered nonetheless. “Well, I can and I can’t.” Castiel said. 

“Well thanks for clearing that up.” Dean said a small grin appearing on his face making Castiel feel a little better at seeing Dean real personality finally coming through. 

Castiel huffed a small laugh. “Right now I can only hear the prayers of people I have a really strong bond with, like you. It's not like before where I could hear everyone's prayers.” Castiel tilted his head again in thought. “So basically, I can only hear your prayers Dean.” 

Castiel watched as more emotions flitted across Dean’s face from guilt, to concern, to dismay and finally, because let’s face it this is Dean Winchester, back to guilt. 

“That really sucks man, I’m sorry.” Dean said softly. 

Castiel again had to fight the urge to grab and shake Dean because only Dean would feel bad about being the only prayers Castiel could hear instead of feeling honored and realizing what it meant. 

Castiel looked deeper at Dean’s soul, feeling a spike of fear at what he saw and said with concern. “Dean, I'm really worried, you feel different, and your soul is…” Castiel paused again trying to find the right words when he noticed Dean had fallen asleep. 

Castiel stared at Dean unblinking and watched as Dean's long lashes fluttered where they were rested against his skin. Dean's was really pale, even his plush lips were lacking color, and the ashy color made Dean's freckles stand out more. 

Castiel could and has spent hours and hours just staring at Dean's face, tracing patterns in his adorable freckles. Dean looks so innocent and young when he's asleep, which is one of the reasons Castiel enjoys watching over him while he’s sleeping. Of course, Castiel knew Dean’s peaceful sleep never lasted, it was always disrupted by inevitable nightmares, and Castiel felt sorrow knowing somehow that whatever happened recently was just going to give Dean even more nightmares. 

Castiel considered healing Dean while he was sleeping, but he worried that Dean would take that as a betrayal so Castiel just covered Dean with the comforter and turned out the lights. Castiel quietly left the room to go in search of Sam to get some answers even if he has to beat them out of him, Castiel promised himself, feeling his anger return.

Dean heard the door click as it closed and he sighed loudly, relieved that Cas had finally left the room. Dean was afraid Cas would try to heal Dean when he thought Dean was asleep, but thankfully Cas had respected Dean's wishes. 

Dean couldn’t let Cas heal him. Dean just couldn't handle Cas seeing and feeling everything that had happened to Dean, especially when Dean let the Mark take over. Dean could only imagine the look of disgust on Cas’ face when he realized how low Dean had fallen. 

After everything Cas did, after everything Cas had sacrificed, all the horrible things Cas had to endure because he was the unlucky angel to pull Dean's worthless ass from hell was enough. And now Dean repaid all that by going and putting himself back on the fast track to hell by taking on the Mark. 

And everything with Kate, what she did, and Dean shuddered at the memory. There was no way in hell Dean could handle Cas looking at him with disgust and/or pity when he saw how Dean got all his injuries. It was definitely better this way, keeping Cas in the dark. 

The pain from healing on his own Dean could handle, but having Cas see Dean as weak and pathetic or worse seeing Dean as the hell-powered killing machine he was when the Mark took over, that was definitely not something Dean wanted. 

Dean had considered confiding in Cas about Kate's plans, figuring Cas has been around long enough to probably know about ancient vampire rituals, but Dean quickly dismissed the idea. Dean meant what he said to Cas. Finding Metatron, getting the angels home, that's all so much more important, so Dean kept his mouth shut. 

"I can figure this out on my own, there's got to be something here in the bunker." Dean tried to convince himself. 

Dean couldn't fight the exhaustion, the weakness from the blood loss and the stress of all the emotional upheaval anymore, and Dean closed his eyes and hoped for at least an hour or two of sleep before a nightmare wakes him up.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I have a longer chapter here as I could not find a good place to split it. There's a small time jump and we pick up 6 weeks after Dean's kidnapping. 
> 
> I want to thank AnotherWorld3111. I had stop writing the story after the last chapter and was stalled for a long time before she encouraged me to continue writing. I really appreciated her support. 
> 
> Not beta'd. All mistakes are mine. See end for notes.

“I really think it’s more than one or two werewolves.” Dean says to Sam and Dean watched as Sam just rolled his eyes. 

“Oh yeah?” Sam said with a hint of derision in his tone. “And what makes you think that Dean, cause from where I'm sitting and all the research I have here I don't see it.” 

Dean paused trying to find a good enough reason for Sam but he really didn’t have one. 

“I dunno.” Dean said. “It's just a feeling, not everything here is adding up to me.” 

Dean felt the Mark pulse a few times when he said it was just a feeling, leading Dean to wonder if maybe he was just being paranoid because of the Mark or maybe the Mark was letting him be more intuitive. Either option was kind of terrifying to him so Dean just went back to trying to ignore the Mark, gripping his arm a few times before he realized what he was doing. 

“Dean.” Sam said his eyes following Dean's hand on his arm, getting that pinched distasteful look on his face Sam always got when reminded about the Mark on Dean's arm. 

“I'm telling you it’s just a couple, at most 3, it’s a milk run.” Sam said with finality letting Dean know he was done debating this. 

"Okay fine." Dean said backing off, not wanting to get Sam more angry or frustrated with him. 

These past six weeks have been tense with them tiptoeing around each other. Dean stayed mostly in his room trying to heal from the Kate incident while avoiding everyone. Dean had completely closed himself off from Sam and most especially Cas refusing to discuss it. Mostly it was because Dean was ashamed of what he had let happen to him, but it was more about what Dean had done when he let the Mark take over. 

Sam had just said fine and didn’t try again to find out what had happened, but Cas Dean could tell really wanted to push it, but didn’t thankfully. 

Dean has always disappointed Cas, and Dean just couldn’t do it again. Dean couldn’t stand to see the expression of disgust, disappointment or pity on Cas’ face, so Dean holed up in his room and when he ventured out for food or a shower he just pretended everything was okay and kept insisting that Cas get back to his angel army because that was more important. 

A large part of Dean was hoping that one of them would call him on his bullshit and confront him or try harder to get to the bottom of things, but it didn’t happen, and Dean really wasn’t surprised. "Careful what you wish for an all that." He thought, applauding his acting abilities while simultaneously dying more inside. 

So when Cas decided to leave a few days later, Dean was relieved. There would be no more studying Dean with that slightly sad and confused expression on his face making Dean feel guilty and tempting him to open up. 

On the other hand, the little boy in Dean crying out for attention was hurt and disappointed that no one tried harder. In the past it always took a lot of pushing for Dean to open up, but this time no one cared enough to push.

On the plus side, Dean no longer had to act happy and put together since Sam never paid enough attention to Dean to bother keeping up appearances. This was Dean's problem and he would deal with it. As far as Dean could ascertain when thinking about everything, Kate seemed to have no interest in Sam and Dean wanted it to stay that way. 

Everything then got kind of lost in the background of Sam and Dean trying and failing to find a foothold in their relationship. Sam was still feeling betrayed and angry, moreso at the additional secrets he knew Dean was keeping from him, and Dean was still feeling guilty, lonely and scared. Dean just kept trying to research the Mark and ancient vampire rituals on his own, not wanting to burden Sam with any of it. 

Surprising even himself, however, after a few weeks Dean actually caved under the pressure and tried to talk to Sam a couple of times about the Mark and ask him for help. Dean had come to the realization that he was in way over his head and had no idea how to handle things. However, the attempts didn't go over very well. 

Dean thought back to the one of those conversations. Sam had been in the war room researching and Dean, after being awoken out of sleep by a nightmare of him slaughtering a houseful of humans and feeling good about it, approached Sam tentatively. 

_"Uh Sam?" Dean asked shuffling his feet uncomfortably. "You got a sec? I wanted to talk to you about something."_

_Sam's body tensed up, and he replied without looking up from his book. "Is this about a case Dean?"_

_"Um no, not really." Dean said._

_Sam looked at Dean then with none of the warmth and concern he used to show and just replied. "If it's not about a case Dean, then I'm not interested. I'm not going to keep hashing over this professional only agreement with you, and I definitely don't want to hear anymore of your excuses about what you did with Gadreel."_

_Dean cleared his throat and hesitantly tried again. "No Sam, it's about me and.."_

_"No!" Sam shouted slamming the book down and getting up. Sam pointed a finger at Dean and sneered "I'm not going to sit here and have you try to weasel yourself back into my good graces, just forget it." And Sam promptly spun around and stomped out of the room._

_Dean just stared after him, trying to stop the tears once again filling his eyes while cursing himself for being such a wimp._

__"How ironic." Dean snorted, Sam used to be the one always trying to get Dean to talk about his problems, always pushing and pushing, but now that Dean actually tried on his own, Sam shot him down._ _

__Granted, Dean's timing could have been better as Dean knew Sam was still upset about walking into the kitchen the previous evening and seeing Crowley lounging at the table with a glass of whiskey watching Dean finish cooking like he lived there. Crowley said he had dropped by to fill Dean in on the latest news, and Dean wondered again exactly how Crowley continued to bypass all the wards._ _

__Also, now that Dean thought about it some more, Crowley really didn't have any news to report. Dean guessed it was just Crowley's way of just checking in on Dean, and Dean felt a tendril of warmth flutter inside him at that thought._ _

__But needless to say Sam had not been happy to see Crowley there and glared with bitch face #9 at Dean before disappearing into his room._ _

__Dean broke down and tried again after a simple ghoul hunt Dean had gone on by himself where he had sliced and hacked that ghoul way more than was necessary disgusting even himself and decided this time to reach out to Cas, despite his misgivings on opening up to the angel._ _

__So Dean texted Cas a few times and then called and left a few messages and finally a week later after still getting no response, Dean tried praying, but all for naught. It was radio silence from Cas and Dean was really started to worry that maybe he had offended Cas or made him angry with his refusal to talk or let Cas heal him._ _

__Maybe Cas finally realized Dean wasn't worth it now that he was with his real family and while the thought of Cas not being a part of his life anymore made Dean sick to his stomach and his heart clench painfully, a large part of him figured it was for the best and it really was only a matter of time. I mean come on Dean knew from experience that everyone leaves._ _

__Dean figured Cas was probably able to see the darkness in Dean now and finally got the message that there was nothing worth saving here anymore or Cas finally realized just how much Dean had screwed up Cas’ life and all the heartache and pain Dean caused him when Cas decided to rebel for Dean._ _

__"Alright then, let's hit it." Sam said, jerking Dean out of his morbid thoughts. "I wanna get this done and be back to the bunker as soon as possible."_ _

__"Yeah and away from any close proximity with me." Dean thought to himself, that familiar wave of sadness flowing through him._ _

__Twenty minutes later they pulled off the road alongside a field where the last victim reportedly disappeared after, from what they could ascertain, they had pulled over due to a flat tire and then walked in to try to find help, which seemed the most likely scenario as the victim's car was found abandoned with a flat tire the following day._ _

__Sam and Dean crossed the field and slowly walked into the more heavily wooded area trying to pick up a trial. A twig snapped to their left and they both stopped, bringing up their weapons._ _

__After waiting a few minutes and hearing nothing else Sam lowered his weapon and turned to Dean saying it must have been an animal. No sooner had Sam finished talking when Dean saw a rapidly moving shadow barreling toward Sam. It hit Sam and Dean watched as if in slow motion as Sam flew sideways and then head first into a tree trunk._ _

__"Sammy!" Dean yelled wanting nothing more than to run to Sam and see how he was, but Dean had to deal with the threat first._ _

__Dean turned and faced the werewolf. It was a big guy who looked like a football player and Dean crouched into a fighting stance and taunted the werewolf. "Come and fight someone one on one you coward, no more sucker shots Fido."_ _

__The wolf snarled at Dean's taunts. "Oh you won't be so cocky when my brothers and sisters get a hold of you." The wolf laughed. "You have no idea what you walked into here do you? There are so many more of us, and we will get you and have a nice feast on you and your friend's hearts."_ _

__Dean just chuckled hiding his emotions, but Dean was starting to feel a little nervous and oddly justified in that he was right and there were a lot more._ _

__"What's the matter?" Dean sneered. "Too scared to take me on yourself. Does little doggy have to wait for his family to back him up? Dean laughed._ _

__The wolf got even more angry and recklessly launched itself at Dean, and Dean just smoothly side stepped letting the wolf propel himself forward and when it skidded to a stop to turn and lunge again, Dean plunged his blade into its heart in one clean thrust._ _

__Dean pulled the knife free and stood for a few seconds trying to listen. Dean heard sounds of approach coming from at least two different directions and possibly even from a third._ _

__Trying to think quickly, knowing he needed to get Sam to safety, Dean ran up to Sam trying to wake him up. There was a big lump on the side of Sam's head and he was down for the count._ _

__Dean peeled his one of Sam’s eyelids back and whispered a prayer of thanks that Sam was just unconscious and did not appear to have any signs of a brain bleed._ _

__Dean started to lift Sam up thinking he would drag him back to the Impala and they could come back later when Dean heard voices. Dean realized with a curse that the other werewolves were too close for him to try to move Sam as it would just lead them right to their location where they would be sitting ducks._ _

__Dean was strong, much stronger now with the Mark, but Sam was a big guy and Dean didn't believe he could be as quiet as he needed to be when moving Sam._ _

__Dean stood up and hit his hand against his head a few times. "Come on, think Dean, think." Dean muttered to himself. Finally, Dean got an idea and prayed it would work._ _

__Dean shrugged off his jacket and flannel over shirt. He knelt down and pushed Sam's knees up against his chest to make Sam as small as possible. “Freakin Sasquatch." Dean muttered. Dean then covered Sam's head and shoulders with his jacket and as much of his waist and legs with his over shirt hoping Dean's scent would cover Sam's scent up._ _

__Dean figured he would add a little insurance and cut his palm splaying a few drops of blood over his jacket and shirt and then quickly walking toward the voices, making sure no more blood trailed behind him figuring he would start the blood trail again once he got their attention and would lead them in another direction._ _

__If they smelled his scent here but weaker then Dean hoped they would ignore this area and focus on where his scent was stronger and leave Sam hidden._ _

__Dean came up on 3 wolves in a clearing. One wolf was close to him and the other two were looking out into the woods. Dean jumped out and before the wolf even registered that Dean was there he plunged the blade through his chest, paused a few seconds for the other two to see him and then took off in the opposite direction of Sam running as fast as he could squeezing his hand letting the blood drip again for a few minutes before tying a handkerchief around his hand. Dean kept running trying to put distance between them and Sam before he turned back to either stand and fight or get back to Sam and hightail it out of there._ _

__Dean heard rustling and shouting. The wolves weren't even trying to be quiet anymore knowing that Dean was outnumbered. Dean kept running and he spotted a house and a barn a short way ahead. Dean could see that the barn was open and he quickly snuck in._ _

__Dean cautiously looked around, but with the shadows and darkness most of the interior was hidden. The Mark was pulsing and Dean was practically vibrating with a sense of wrong, wrong, wrong. When Dean turned to leave he saw a flash of a handle whizzing toward his head and then nothing._ _

__When Dean came to he found himself tied to a supporting beam in the barn. His hands tied with rope above his head attached to a large hook and his ankles secured with rope around the beam, and Dean had only his jeans and boots on. Dean looked around and could see his T-shirt and weapons piled up on a table including the First Blade._ _

__There were about half a dozen wolves in the barn, most off to the side just glaring at Dean and one big guy, who looked kinda familiar, was the first to see that Dean was awake. The wolf walked over and backhanded Dean._ _

__"You killed my brother and I am going to make you suffer for that.” The wolf threatened punching Dean this time._ _

__“Oh, so that’s why he looked familiar.” Dean thought. Dean put a bored look on his face and smirked at the wolf. “Why do you guys always sound like B rated movie villains?” Dean asked with a smirk, which earned Dean a couple more punches to his face and stomach._ _

__The Mark was burning and Dean was wiggling his right hand pulling down on the rope._ _

__"Where’s your friend?" The wolf demanded._ _

__Dean tried to look innocent and said "What friend? I’m here alone."_ _

__The guy picked up a knife and started toward Dean. He ran the blade down Dean's cheek to his neck causing Dean to hiss in pain. "Tell me where your friend is and I’ll make it quick for him."_ _

__Dean flinched when the blade cuts into his skin again, but he just repeated that he was alone while glaring at the wolf._ _

__The wolf became enraged but before he could do anything else his cell phone rang._ _

__"Yeah?" He said. "We have him. Yes, it’s one of the guys you saw in town. No, I don’t think, no he will not be good for our pack!" The wolf shouted into the phone. "You've got to be kidding me. He killed Jacob and two others. No, yes, I know you’re the pack master but sir."_ _

__The wolf looked like he was about the throw the phone, but then he looked over at Dean and smirked._ _

__"So did you find the other one? Yeah. Oh good. Yeah. So he’s dead right? Save me some of his heart will ya." The wolf smiled into the phone taking note of the color draining from Dean’s face as he heard the one sided conversation, unaware that the pack master had hung before and the wolf was just trying to hurt Dean._ _

__Dean couldn’t wrap his head around it. He hid Sammy. He couldn’t be dead and by a bunch of stupid werewolves. Dean heart was breaking as he slowly started to fill up with a rage unlike anything he has felt before._ _

__Dean ripped his arm with the Mark right through the rope, called his blade to him, hacked through the rope and then just let the Mark take him over again. Dean hadn’t done this since the warehouse with the vamps, but this time it’s not coming from a will to survive, its coming from a place of deep crushing pain and rage._ _

__The other wolves had returned and even with 15 of them against Dean, it wasn’t a fair fight. Dean hacked and cut and even tore them part with his hands screaming his grief at Sam dying._ _

__Dean was slashing away at the last wolf when he heard a familiar voice in the distance. It took Dean a minute or two before he came back to himself as he tried to focus on the voice._ _

__"Dean! Dean!" He heard. "Stop! He’s dead! Christ, Dean their all dead. Dean. Dean. Please Dean." The voice pleaded._ _

__Finally the voice registered and Dean turned and gaped in disbelief at Sam whose was standing a few feet away with his hands out looking at Dean with shock and disgust and fear._ _

__Dean’s vision narrowed down and focused on Sam, Sam who was alive and in front of him. Dean saw Sam and forgetting that he was covered in blood and guts and still had a crazed almost nonhuman look to him Dean reached forward to grab Sam and hug him tight, but when Dean reached for Sam he saw Sam flinch and pull back._ _

__They both froze. Dean was shocked._ _

__Sam had pulled away._ _

__Sam had flinched away._ _

__Sam was scared of Dean._ _

__Sam wouldn’t let Dean touch him, hug him, reassure himself that Sam was in fact alive and standing in front of him._ _

__Dean didn’t think it was possible that he could feel such pain as he fought to keep his knees from buckling, his body trembling. Dean felt like his broken soul was shattering into a million pieces._ _

__For one long minute or maybe an hour, it's hard to stay, but Sam and Dean just started at each other. Finally, using every bit of training Dean had gotten from his father, from Alistair, from all countless times Dean's had to hide his feelings, Dean somehow managed to pop the walls back up as he tried to grin._ _

__"Hey I’m sorry Sammy. I forgot for a moment. It won’t happen again. I just, they told me they killed you." Dean said his voice petering out at the end of the statement._ _

__Dean's body was shaking with adrenaline and the fear remained as a bad taste in the back of his throat._ _

__Dean tore his gaze from Sam’s and looked anywhere but at him, unable to bear to see the look on Sam’s face anymore._ _

__"No, Dean." Sam said. "It's not…"_ _

__"Look." Dean interrupted, knowing if he heard anything else from Sam right now he would just crumble and shatter. So Dean took a deep breath and repeated. "I’m sorry okay. I forgot about us not being brothers for a minute, just forget it." Dean said hating the slight pleading tone he heard coming out of his mouth._ _

__For a minute he thought the expression on Sam’s face was worry and regret, but Dean knows that not what he was really seeing and that was more a hopeful projection because that moment when Sam flinched and pulled away from his hug, that look on Sam's face, that will be forever etched in Dean’s mind._ _

__Dean scrambled trying to figure out what to do next when he saw Sam sway a bit and wince, Sam's hand rubbing gingerly at the lump on the back of his head._ _

__"Oh crap, he has the head injury." Dean remembered instantly feeling guilty for having forgotten._ _

__"Sam, hey." Dean said. "Just wait here and rest, I’ll be back in 5 mins." Dean quickly ran back to the Impala and within a few minutes he had the car pulled up to the barn. Dean guided Sam to the car and after telling Sam to lie down in the back, Dean went to take care of the clean up._ _

__Sam looked like he is going to argue, but after wincing in pain again, Sam slowly nodded and lied down in the car._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi only triggers are Dean's self worth issues and violence with some blood and gore.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi a short chapter dealing with the fall out from the "hug incident." 
> 
> Not beta'd.

A couple of hours later when they are in the car driving back to the hotel and Sam looked much better. He had more color to his face and he was moving his head without wincing in pain. 

Dean was still in emotional shock. The feelings he felt when the Mark took over again were frightening, but at the same time exhilarating. And Dean has been trying every trick he knew to stop replaying the look on Sam's face over and over in his mind, but he can't stop it and the pain is indescribable. 

Dean knew things were bad, really bad, and that Sam hated him and didn’t trust him, but that look of disgust and fear and shock was too much. It was killing Dean, and he didn't know how to cope. 

Dean's knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel tightly as Dean did everything in his power to just try to appear calm and professional until they got back to their rooms. 

Sam kept glancing over at Dean, noting the tension in his body and the hard plane of his face while Dean tried hiding his emotions. 

Sam cleared his throat and quietly said to Dean. "Look Dean, what happened back there, I just wanna say…" 

"No!" Sam heard Dean whip the word out loudly but then seemed to catch himself and more quietly just said. "Sam, please just leave it. I said I’m sorry. Do you really have to beat me over the head with it. It won’t happen again, I mean it. I promise." Dean pleaded softly his voice shaking with the effort to speak calmly and rationally. 

Dean then turned up the radio to discourage any more talking and went back to staring straight ahead at the road, his body still rigid with tension. 

Sam felt his heart drop. Sam wasn’t going to yell at Dean about showing brotherly emotion. He wanted to explain what happened. 

Sam had woken up alone and for some bizarre reason covered with Dean’s clothes, and he heard the screams and shouts in the distance. Sam ran as fast he could knowing in his gut that Dean was in trouble, and Sam had skidded to a stop, frozen in shock and disbelief at the scene inside the barn. Sam still couldn’t process everything he had seen. 

Dean had been like a mad man. Like some kind of crazy killing machine. Dean was moving so smoothly and fluidly it was like he was almost dancing while simultaneously destroying and killing and tearing apart the bodies of the wolves he slaughtered. 

Sam had never seen anything so frightening. Yes Sam always knew Dean had a dark side to him, but this was way beyond that. It was like Dean wasn’t even human. And yet at the same time Sam could hear the heartbreaking wail of fury and grief coming from Dean as he screamed Sam, not Sam, not Sam. Sam shuddered at the memory of Dean crying out his name. 

Sam finally was able to get through the haze of mania and bring Dean back to himself. Dean had looked at Sam in disbelief, hope and love, but at the same time the crazy killing bloodlust was still shining brightly from Dean's eyes and Dean was covered in blood and guts. 

So when Dean reached for Sam, Sam was unable to help himself. He flinched away. However, as soon as Sam saw the devastation that slammed in Dean’s eyes after he flinched, Sam realized he screwed up badly. 

So Sam froze and stared at Dean trying desperately to think of a way to salvage this when Dean, of course with his super human ability to mask his pain, put himself back together again and tried to play it off while apologizing.

Sam tried to explain but Dean just cut him off so convinced that Sam was going to yell at him or cut him down. And Sam felt sick to his stomach at how bad things were between them where Dean's very first thought was that Sam would be mad. 

Sam knew that he wouldn't be able to talk about that again right now so he tried for a more neutral subject. Sam turned down the radio turning slightly toward Dean and sighed as he saw Dean tense even more. 

"Dean, I’m confused about something. Why did I wake up covered by your jacket and shirt?" Sam asked genuinely curious because it was such an odd thing to wake up to. 

Sam watched as a weird mix of emotions crossed Dean’s face before the blank mask slipped firmly back in place, and Dean just said. "Forget it Sam. You're not going to like it."

Sam ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "It's a simple question Dean. Why was I covered?" Sam ground out between gritted teeth. God Dean couldn't even answer a simple question, and with his emotions still all over the place, it just made Sam want to scream. 

"Look." Dean said. "It was a stupid plan, but I was flying by the seat of my pants. I was just trying to find a way to hide you." 

"Hide me?" Sam questioned, a harder edge creeping into his voice. "I’m not a child who needs to be hidden Dean." Sam spat out. 

Dean just sighed and said. "See I told you you wouldn’t like it." 

At Sam's continued silence Dean reluctantly continued. "Sam, you were unconscious and not waking up anytime soon. There were a bunch of wolves getting closer to us. I hoped they didn’t know there was more than one of us so I covered you up." 

"But..?" Sam thought for a moment asking himself why didn’t Dean just use Sam’s own jacket when it finally clicked. 

"You mean you covered me with your scent to lead them away from me right?" Sam demanded. "To sacrifice yourself again while trying to keep me safe!" Sam seethed. 

Dean shook his head. "No Sam, I wasn’t sacrificing myself. I was just trying to lead them away and I was going to circle back and get you out of there so we could go back together and finish things when you were better. I just ran into trouble." Dean snorted to himself at the understatement. 

"Really? That’s all it was?" Sam demanded again. 

"Yeah Sam. That’s all it was." Dean said giving Sam a couple of side glances trying to gauge his reaction. 

Sam took a deep breath to calm down and decided not to push it anymore. After thinking about it through for a few minutes, Sam had to acknowledge that it was actually a really good plan and was maybe a tactic they could use in the future on a hunt. 

Dean had turned the radio back up so Sam let it drop, but Sam couldn’t help the feeling of warmth that spread through him realizing that Dean was still doing whatever possible to protect Sam, even with the state of their relationship. Even though it was Sam who wanted them to not be brothers any longer, Sam couldn’t help feeling pleased that Dean never stops being Dean.

They arrived at the motel and Dean followed Sam into his room, asking Sam a few times if he was alright to the point that Sam gave Dean his best bitch face #3, the one that said I'm really annoyed, so Dean figured he should probably stop while he was ahead. 

Dean stepped through the connecting door, smirking to himself that at least Sam’s compromise over the two room situation, that being they each had a separate room but ones side by side with a connector door, would allow him to hear if Sam started feeling badly again. Dean closed the door but left it open a sliver, and then immediately went into the shower to wash off everything.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter for tonight. I have the next one basically done and I might post it in a few days. I might be late posting next week as I have a big project to finish for work.
> 
> Again I cannot express how happy it makes me to receive kudos and comments. Thank you all so much. 
> 
> I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. There's a little bit of levity mixed in with all the angst and a healthy dose of pining and UST. I hope you enjoy it.

Crowley popped into the motel room looking around for Dean. Crowley heard the shower running so he sat down at the small table across the room facing the bathroom door and snapped in a bottle of his whisky and two glasses. Crowley had a feeling Dean was going to want something nice and strong when he relayed the unfortunate news he found out to him, wondering to himself if this was going to deter Dean away from killing Abaddon. 

"Damn that Dean Winchester, why does he have to be so irresistible to everyone?" Crowley wondered snorting to himself bemused by the fact that Crowley found himself at the top of that list. 

Crowley started fiddling with his phone while he waited, and he heard the shower shut off. Crowley watched in awe as Dean walked out of the bathroom and into the room with a cloud of steam following him wearing only a small towel slung low on his hips while drying his hair with another towel with one hand and looking down. 

Crowley felt his breath catch in his throat, if he actually had to breathe that is, at the sight before him. Dean is truly magnificent with all his damp wet skin and muscular physique. 

Crowley thinking fast snapped a picture of Dean, and Dean’s head snapped up. His piercing green eyes locked with Crowley’s, and Crowley felt the most intense surge of lust shoot through him. 

"Really?" Dean quipped. "You just hanging out waiting for me like a creepy stalker?" 

"Hey if you want to put on a show Squirrel who am I to argue. Exactly why do you choose to cover up all that yuminess with all those layers? You would never be able to tell what you have hidden under all that flannel." Crowley asked in amusement as Dean scowled. 

"Yeah okay, whatever." Dean responded, clearly thinking Crowley was making a joke. 

Crowley knows Dean realizes he is attractive, but Crowley is coming to believe that Dean really doesn't know just how beautiful he is. Aside from being able to pick up a waitress rather quickly or charm a witness, Dean fails to see the effect he has on people. Then again, Crowley mused, Dean’s utter cluelessness about Feathers' feelings for Dean should have made it obvious. 

Crowley watched Dean intently as Dean slipped a pair of boxers on under the towel and then threw on a pair of jeans that hugged his ass just right, zipping them but not buttoning them. Crowley wondered how a partly covered up Dean could be even sexier then an almost nude one, and Crowley discretely shifted in his seat a bit to hide his growing erection. 

Crowley then found himself chuckling in amusement as he watched Dean twist and turn while sitting on the bed trying to get the right angle to poor holy water over the scratches on his back. 

Werewolf? Crowley asked with a chuckle. 

Dean just grunted and tried twisting his arm up another way still failing to reach the scratches that are in the perfect position on his back for Dean to not be able to get them. 

“O bloody hell!” Crowley exclaimed. “Lie down on the bed and I’ll do it.” 

Dean looked at Crowley in disbelief. “It’s holy water Crowley.” 

Crowley just snorted. “I can manage to pour water without spilling it all over myself Squirrel. I am the King of Hell.” 

Dean stared at him for a minute trying to figure out if this is some kind of trick and then just shrugged and lied down on his stomach with his arms wrapped around the pillow under his chin. 

Crowley took another second to drink in the sight of Dean laid out on the bed on his stomach shirtless, his gaze lingering on Dean's mouthwatering ass, and then sauntered over to the bed grinning. 

Crowley rolled up a towel and placed it against Dean’s side. “Tilt sideways a little.” Crowley instructed, a little thrill running through him when Dean quickly obeyed. 

Crowley proceeded to pour the holy water over the scratches until they stop smoking and fizzling. He then snapped some antibiotic cream and bandages on the bed and quickly took care of the wounds. 

Crowley smoothed down the last piece of tape and unable to help himself he ran his fingers lightly from the back of Dean’s neck down to the base of his spine to right where Dean's delicious ass curved up. 

Totally expecting to be shot, stabbed or at least punched, Crowley paused for a second. 

Dean tensed up but stayed still and Crowley not one to ignore an opening, once again ran his fingers up and down Dean’s smooth back. Crowley moaned to himself as Dean sighed and seemed to relax into the bed arching his back minutely at Crowley’s soft touch. 

Unfortunately, Dean soon became aware of what was happening and cleared his throat uncomfortably, mumbling out a thank you to Crowley and sitting up quickly, forcing Crowley to stand. 

Dean startled himself when he felt his body relaxing into Crowley’s caresses, embarrassed at letting himself act like that. “What the hell was he thinking?” 

Crowley had surprised Dean by offering to help take care of his wounds, especially since it involved holy water. And it was nice to be taken care of as that had not happened in awhile. Even before the rift between himself and Sam, there had been the trials where Dean was always taking care of Sam and if Dean got hurt he didn’t bother to tell Sam about it because Sam was so sick. Then before that in purgatory well having a vampire clean your bloody wounds was just asking for trouble. It was not that Dean didn’t trust Benny, but there was no need to tempt him like that. 

So yeah it felt really nice to have someone tend to him Dean rationalized to himself. It had nothing to do with it being Crowley! 

Dean reached for his bag to grab a T-shirt and Crowley turned to walk to the table but then paused and turned swiftly back to Dean, a weird look on his face Dean couldn’t make out, a mix of distrust and curiosity maybe? 

The next thing Dean knows he being pushed back against the wall by Crowley’s hand on his chest and Crowley got right up in Dean’s personal space. 

Dean reacted instinctively trying to push back and squirm away, but Crowley just growled lightly and then Dean was held immobile in the demon’s power. 

Crowley squinted his eyes at Dean and started running his hands across the barely there scars on his neck and across his chest. 

“Crowley what the hell? Let me go!” Dean shouted.

“Shush, give me a second.” Crowley said and he grabbed Dean’s chin turn his face back and forth then finally squeezing it a bit as Crowley started to look angry, a hint of red seeping into his eyes. 

“I thought you told me you refused to let feathers heal you.” Crowley demanded running his hand again down the scar that looked to be about six months healed from the wound that happened six weeks ago angry at the thought that Dean had lied to him. 

“Oh shit.” Dean thought the color leaving his face. Dean had kind of forgotten about his rapidly healing wounds. 

“I didn’t let him.” Dean said lowering his gaze for a minute trying to think of a lie, but then Dean figured what the hell Crowley is really the only one Dean could talk to about this. Dean had already admitted to Crowley what Kate’s plan is. However actually saying this out loud made it more real to Dean. Dean looked up. “I think it’s the Mark.” Dean whispered. 

Crowley’s gaze snapped up to Dean’s and they stood there a few seconds gazes locked, both minds racing at the implications of what that meant. 

“Get your filthy demon hands off of him!” Sam shouted from the doorway startling them both. 

Dean looked at Crowley and whispered again. “Please don’t say anything to him.” Crowley nodded and stepped back, turning to smirk at Sam. 

“Moose! Relax. It’s not what it looks like.” Crowley drawled, and it was all Dean could do to hold back a snicker at look on Sam’s face. 

“Sam relax.” Dean said moving to finish grabbing his T-shirt pulling it on while Crowley simultaneously unbeknownst to Dean made it a size smaller while he was pulling it on, making Dean frown for a second as to why the shirt was so tight. 

Sam was going to kill Crowley. No more putting up with his stupid smirking face and his trailing after Dean and always mocking Sam. 

Sam had heard voices and then a small thump against the wall, so Sam a little worried had gotten up and peaked into Dean’s room from the connecting door, and Sam was shocked at what he saw. 

Crowley had Dean pressed up against the wall half dressed and was all but plastered to Dean and Dean was looking nervous and maybe a bit scared. 

Sam screamed at Crowley to get his hands off Dean while pulling Ruby’s knife from the back of his pants and starting forward determined to finally end Crowley once and for all. 

Crowley the little snit just smirked at Sam and told him to relax waving his hand dismissively at Sam’s rage, amusement clear on his face. 

Then Dean said the same thing causing Sam to pause a bit, but the red hot anger was still coursing through him and, if Sam was a big enough man would admit to the jealously he was also feeling. It wasn’t for Crowley putting the moves on Dean, which yeah was all kinds of wrong, but it was the closeness the two seemed to have developed while Dean and he couldn’t be further apart. 

“What the hell is going on Dean?” Sam demanded. 

“Nothing Sam. Nothing for you to worry about.” Dean said in a low tone hoping to diffuse the situation. 

Crowley snickered again and Dean shot him a look and said sternly to Crowley. “Not helping!” Which just made Crowley's smile get even bigger causing Dean to roll his eyes at his antics. 

Dean tugged at his too small T-shirt frowning again at it, and then turned and walked over to Sam. “We’re just talking.” Dean explained. 

Sam turned and watched Crowley saunter over to the table and pour two drinks. 

“Yes Moose, your brother and I have business so why don’t you run along.” Crowley said making himself at home and taking a sip of his drink. 

Sam started forward again wanting nothing more than to at least pound on Crowley a few times, but Dean stepped in front of him. 

“Sam, did you need something? Are you okay? Dean asked his eyes flickering over Sam briefly and then peering into his eyes looking for signs of a concussion before quickly looking away at Sam’s glare.

“What?” Sam looked at Dean incredulously. “What? Sam repeated.

“Why did you come in here Sam? Are you okay?” Dean questioned again in a low voice hoping to calm Sam down and re-focus his attention. 

“I heard a noise and voices to I came to see what was going on and I find the goddam King of Hell molesting you Dean.” Sam spat his voice rising with each word as he glared murderously at Crowley, who just raised his drink in a salute to Sam, making Sam growl in anger. 

“Sam calm down, geez.” Dean said. “It’s not what you think, but I really do need to talk to Crowley.” 

Sam wasn’t sure who he wanted to hit more at that point Crowley or his brother who was calmly telling him it was none of his business whatever was going on. 

Sam opened his mouth to say something but then just huffed and stomped out of the room slamming the door behind him. 

Sam was pissed at Dean for shutting him out, he was pissed at this new dynamic with him and Crowley, he was pissed at what happened today. Sam was just really fucking pissed. 

Sam decided to go for a walk to calm down maybe grab some dinner so he grabbed his wallet and walked to the diner next door. 

“Do you really have to antagonize him so much?” Dean asked Crowley. 

“Yes, yes I do. There’s nothing more fun then getting the moose all riled up.” Crowley chuckled. 

Dean rolled his eyes and walked back to his bag to pull a flannel out and before Dean could blink it was back in his bag. 

Dean huffed to himself and grabbed the shirt again, and again within a blink the shirt was now sitting at the end of the bed. 

Dean shot Crowley an aggravated look and went to grab the shirt and watched as it flew across the room to land against the wall in the corner behind the other bed. 

Dean growled at Crowley and stomped over and looked and the shirt was gone. 

“Fucking hell Crowley! What’s the deal? That was my last clean one.” Dean said in exasperation.

Crowley just chuckled again. “Dean it’s a crime for you to hide that gorgeous body. I’m just doing my random act of kindness for the day.” 

Dean opened his mouth to start an argument but he watched as Crowley face went from animated and smug to all serious. 

“Enough messing around Squirrel.” Crowley suddenly serious tone stopped Dean from complaining more about his shirt. 

Crowley pushed the second glass of whiskey toward Dean. “I really do have some news and you’re not going to like it so drink up.”

Dean closed his eyes for a second wondering what the next piece of crap thing was going to happen to him, sighed loudly and plopped down in the chair grabbing the drink and knocking it back in one shot. 

“Ok.” Dean said while turning toward Crowley. “Hit me.” 

Crowley took a sip of his drink looked over at Dean. “Okay squirrel I’ve been doing a little digging and talked to your vampire super fan. Don’t worry.” Crowley waved his hand when Dean opened his mouth to start something about that. “I warned her away from you.”

“Anyway, it turns out Kate’s daddy was not too happy with her choice of king at first, which was why she left the warehouse that night to meet him.” Crowley explained. 

“Yeah.” Dean said. I kinda figured that, but that’s good news though right?” Dean asked with a slightly hopeful look on his face. 

“Well it would be but seems like he changed his mind and is all for the unholy union now.” Crowley said spinning his glass around in agitation. 

“Okay. So what does that mean exactly?” Dean asked. 

Crowley cleared his throat and said to Dean. “Well the thing is Kate’s daddy is the Alpha.” 

Dean just snorted and said. “Well duh he’s the sire for all vampires.” 

“No.” Crowley said. “You don’t understand, Kate is one of his firstborn, his third born in fact, but seeing as the first two have since been killed she is his number one child right now. And the first two were boys so she is quite literally daddy’s little girl.”  
Crowley watched as the news sunk in and Dean’s face paled, but then Dean just kind of chuckled pinching his nose between two fingers and looking down. “Well ain’t that just a kick in the pants.” Dean muttered feeling the weight of everything pushing down on him. 

Dean sat and processed the information Crowley just gave him. Dean’s stomach sank thinking about how much worse this situation just got, but wait a minute he looked up at Crowley again with a little hope in his expression. 

“Wait a second Crowley. The Alpha hates me. I mean really, really hates me. I mean we were the reason his kind started being hunted actively again; the Campbell’s held him captive and tortured him; I spit in his face basically and electrocuted him myself a few times; and I cured myself from a vamp. Why would he agree to this or even want it? Dean argued. 

“What!” Crowley choked on his drink. “You were a fucking vampire! How did I not know this.” Crowley sputtered, annoyed that he had missed something that significant happening to Dean. 

“Yeah.” Dean waved his hand. “Just for a hot minute. I took the cure. It was when Sam was, well, it doesn’t matter. I just really don’t understand how the Alpha would be agreeing to this.” Dean said grabbing the bottle of whisky and pouring himself another healthy shot. 

“Well.” Crowley said. “I don’t know exactly, but I do know that you went and killed almost 20 of his children while you were half dead, which makes you a pretty impressive warrior to protect his children. You survived purgatory, hell, I could go on and on.” Crowley said understanding how the Alpha would find all that appealing. 

“ Also, like you said.” Crowley continued. “You were his once his child too. I don’t imagine that sat very well with him when you were cured, as I doubt that has happened very often. In addition, he may be a vampire, but he's still a daddy and his daughter wants you so he gave in.” Crowley reasoned, unfortunately making very valid points. 

Dean thought about the various implications and asked Crowley what he thought that actually meant because so far Dean hadn’t had to deal with anymore vampires, and Dean had deluded himself into thinking Kate had moved on after what Dean did.

Well Crowley said, apparently the vampires were split, half in the Alpha’s camp and half siding with Kate, but now they are all on the same side and they will all be gunning for you trying to get in good with the Alpha. 

This is fucking unbelievable Dean shouted slamming back against the chair starting to get more agitated by the situation. "The God damn Alpha vampire! Just fucking great." Dean muttered. 

"What about the Alpha?" Dean heard Sam question from the doorway. Dean startled a bit having not heard Sam come back. 

"It’s nothing Sam." Dean waved his hand dismissively. 

Crowley looked between the two, leaned over to Dean and said. "I’ll be in touch" and then snapped out the coward. 

Dean sighed again and walked over to Sam. 

"What about the Alpha vamp Dean? And don’t tell me it's nothing." Sam demanded. 

Dean still wanted to keep Sam out of this at least for a little longer and deal with his own shit so Dean just crossed his arms across his chest and told Sam it was personal ending with "I’ll figure it out." 

"I’ll figure it out. I’LL figure it out. I’ll fucking figure it out." Was all Sam heard his rage from earlier paling in comparison to what he felt at hearing that phrase. 

"You’ll figure it out Dean." Sam sneered. "What ever happen to "We'll figure it out. You know, we, the two of us, a team. What the hell man? Sam shouted running his hands through his hair in agitation. 

"Fine." Dean spat getting angry himself. Dean was so tired of all this back and forth with Sam, always being the one bending over backwards to try to fix things. Dean was dammed if he did and dammed if he didn't and Dean was still too emotionally distraught from everything that happened today. So Dean lashed out for the first time since things had gotten so bad.

"Fine. We’ll figure it out." Dean smirked coldly. "As in Crowley and I will figure it out." 

Dean immediately felt guilty at the brief look of hope that crossed Sam face before he finished his sentence and Sam realized what Dean had said. 

"Oh you and Crowley, huh. God Dean, after all the bullshit over Ruby now you grabbing your ankles for the fucking King of Hell?" Sam sneered at Dean, disgust dripping from his words. 

Sam watched as shock replaced the anger on Dean’s face, and Dean just looked at Sam sadly shaking his head in defeat. 

"I don’t want to fight with you anymore Sam. I just.., you told me it's only professional between us and this is personal. You get mad at me for trying to involve you and then you get mad at me for not involving you. What the hell do you want from me?" Dean questioned confusion clear in his tone. 

Sam knew in the back of his mind that Dean was right. Sam was pushing and pulling, but he just didn’t know what he wanted. Sam missed Dean as his brother, but he was still feeling betrayed and angry at Dean so Sam just pushed those thoughts down and sneered back at Dean.

"Don’t try to twist this around to me." Sam said as he shoved Dean back trying to get a rise out of him causing Dean to stumble. 

"God your so pathetic Dean." Sam spat out. 

Sam expecting a punch watched instead as Dean straighten up, grabbed a hold of his right arm and squeezed a few times and then just hunched his shoulders trying to make himself look smaller. 

"Yeah, okay Sam." Dean whispered. "Yeah, okay." Dean repeated again never looking up from the ground and then Dean just turned and walked into the bathroom and shut the door. 

Sam waited a few minutes but realized Dean wasn't coming out while Sam was still there so Sam went back into his room to lie down. Sam's emotions were all over the place, and Sam realized that he had hurt Dean again, badly.

Dean almost fell on his ass at Sam's unexpected push, but he caught himself, and Dean felt a sharp intense burning in his arm. Dean grabbed a hold of the Mark and squeezed, trying to stop the pain and push down the feelings that Mark was shooting into Dean's brain. 

Then Sam called Dean pathetic, and Dean felt crushed again by the weight of Sam’s words, flashing back to his father's screaming the same thing at Dean over and over. 

Dean hunched over trying to make himself smaller while grasping the Mark hard enough to bruise. Dean felt defeated and overwhelmed. This whole day has been an emotional roller coaster and Dean was just done. 

"Yeah okay." Dean whispered to Sam, because really what could he say to that. Sam was right. He was a pathetic loser whose own brother disowned and hated him, whose best friend shut him out, whose father hated him, who got everybody killed. 

Dean forced himself to walk to the bathroom when all he wanted to do was run and never stop. 

Dean’s back hit the door as he sunk down and his wrapped his arms around his knees and squeezed his eyes shut trying to close himself off from all the hurt, all the threats, all the weird feelings and the Mark, wanting nothing more than for the floor to open up and swallow Dean whole.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine. 
> 
> I'm sorry.

It’s about two weeks later and Dean is sitting at the far end of the table in the library once again researching the Mark and trying to find anything on this bonding ceremony. 

Dean’s not even trying to hide what he is looking at but Sam still never asks him what he is doing or even glances at the stacks of books on Dean’s side of the table. 

The last two weeks have been all silences and side glances. Dean’s is putting everything he has into trying the control the Mark now and he is frightened he might be losing the battle. 

He tried once more to talk to Sam and got shut down before he started. Dean has texted, called and prayed to Cas multiple times over the past two weeks with continued radio silence. 

The silence from Cas hurt almost as much as what is happening with Sam. Dean can’t figure out exactly what happened other than him shutting down and refusing to talk to Cas, but Dean always does that and Cas is always still there. 

"But Cas has never been back with his family." A voice whispers in Dean’s head. "A family who hates you and blames you for Cas’ actions." What was it that chick angel had said. “The very touch of you corrupts.” "Yup that’s me." Dean snorts to himself. "Poison."

Dean is barely eating anymore, drinks like crazy but he is not able to get drunk enough to stop all the feelings and memories and most especially is not able to get drunk enough to calm down the Mark. 

Dean thinks again that about how he just needs to kill Abaddon and go out in a blaze of glory, but Abaddon is nowhere to be found lately and it's frustrating. Crowley has no news either, but more and more demons are converting over to her side making the whole situation just plain scary. 

Dean’s been staring at the same page of this book for probably 30 mins, his eyes bloodshot and dry and his body exhausted when Dean hears a ping from his cell phone, the sound that notifies breaking news. 

"Ok now what diaster is happening in the world?" Dean wonders as he grabs his phone to read the very official looking announcement.   
"BREAKING NEWS: SURGEON GENERAL WARNING! CRITICAL MEN'S ISSUE.   
The Surgeon General has announced today that multiple tests have concluded beyond any doubt within the medical and psychiatric fields that wearing multiple layers of clothing has been deemed to be an extreme hazard to one’s health and the people around them. He recommends immediately that males between the ages of 25-35 refrain from wearing anything other than tight fitting T-shirts. More information can be found on the Surgeon General’s website but he again urged immediate action." 

Dean just stared at the notice for a full 30 seconds before it hit him and Dean didn’t even realize where it came from but something just bubbled up straight from deep inside, burst fourth and Dean threw back his head and laughed. 

Dean laughed harder than he has laughed since, well probably the clown case with Sam years ago. Dean couldn’t stop. He laughed and laughed until tears were streaming down his face and he struggled to breathe. It was a wonderful release and so unexpected, but boy did it feel good to let loose like that. 

"Fucking Crowley." Dean thought, but wow Dean really needed that. It had been years since Dean laughed like that, which is really not normal or healthy. Dean looked up at Sam pleased to see Sam was smiling at Dean.

"What’s so funny Dean? Sam asked, his smile wide and his dimples showing. 

Sam was sitting a table length away from his brother and it could have been an ocean between them. Things have been so tense and bad lately. Sam never got to explain what happened on the werewolf hunt, and they never talked about what happened in the room after Crowley left. 

Sam was at a loss of what to do because he just couldn’t help it he was still so angry and still felt the betrayal as if it happened yesterday. 

Sam glanced up at Dean and couldn’t’ help the wince at what he was seeing. Dean was thinner than he has ever been, he looked pale and exhausted and Sam was pretty sure Dean hadn’t slept more than an hour or two a night since they got back. 

The worst was when Sam managed to make eye contact with Dean and the loss, loneliness and devastation in his eyes was soul crushing. Sam just wanted to grab Dean and hug him and tell him he loved him, but he just couldn’t take that step. There was still too much between them. 

Sam heard the breaking news ping from Dean’s phone and looked down at his computer wondering why he was not getting any kind of notification when he heard Dean start to laugh. It was so unexpected Sam jumped a bit and looked incredulously at Dean. 

Dean was laughing so hard he had tears streaming down his face, and it was so nice to see Dean like that. Sam tried to think back to when the last time Dean genuinely laughed and he was ashamed to realize it had been years. 

Sam felt himself smiling at the laughter coming from Dean and asked him. "What's so funny, Dean?"

Dean still smiling looked from his phone to Sam and replied. "It's nothing. Just a joke someone texted me. Caught me off guard." Dean said as he waved his hand and chuckled a bit more. 

Dean figured if he said it was from Crowley that would just make Sam angry again and Sam was actually smiling at Dean so he didn't elaborate. 

"What? Was it one of those stupid emoji’s Cas is always texting? I mean it's really getting ridiculous how much he likes those things." Sam asked smiling at the thought. 

Dean was looking at Sam and it took a second or two for what Sam said to sink in. Dean felt his heart start to beat faster. "What do you mean Sam? Cas is texting you?" 

Sam snorted and went on not noticing that Dean’s face had lost all color and he looked on the verge of collapsing, his eyes darkening in sorrow as he struggled to process what Sam was saying. 

"Yeah of course, Dean. Cas and I text a few of times a week, sometimes almost every day. I’m helping him and the angels with surveillance. But Cas, as you know, is hooked on emojis, and now he’s even sending Gifs now and then." Sam explained his eyes alight at Cas' antics. 

"Sam. Cas is texting you? You've been in contact with him this whole time?" Dean asked again his voice shaky and his body starting to tremble.

Sam just nodded his head and finally looked up at Dean and his breath caught in his throat at the pain he saw on Dean’s face. "What the hell happened? Dean was laughing hysterically a minute ago and now he looked devastated and on the verge of tears." 

When Dean finally registered that Sam was saying he had been in contact with Cas all this time there was no way to ignore the writing on the wall anymore, Cas had finally cut Dean loose. 

Dean was hoping that Cas' silence was because he was off somewhere doing angel stuff and couldn’t communicate as that has happened before. Dean never likes it when Cas disappears without contact, but he understands it was necessary sometimes. But now, Dean kept hearing a running loop in his head. "Cas is talking to Sam, Cas is talking to Sam, Cas is talking to Sam." 

The pain and anguish that flooded through Dean was indescribable. He was in Hell, that had to be it. Dean was still in Hell and this was all some grand illusion to bring him right here to this point to finally break him from his humanity once and for all because on top of everything happening with Sam now his angel, his Cas, could not have cut Dean out of his life. He just couldn’t have. 

Dean listened while this was all racing through his mind as Sam was going on about Cas and emoji’s and GIFs. Dean didn’t think he could cope, but Sam was still there and Dean was not going to break in front of his not brother, so Dean blanked his face as best he could and got up, hoping to get to his room before he totally lost it. 

"It was just something Crowley sent me." Dean said softly when Sam asked again what had made Dean laugh. Dean was so lost in his thoughts that he forgot to hide the fact that the text was from Crowley. 

As soon as Sam heard that text was from Crowley, unaware of the thoughts Dean was having and that Cas had been ignoring Dean for almost two months, he felt that familiar wave of jealously and rage flare through him. 

Crowley again. Fucking Crowley. He makes his brother laugh when Sam can't even get a single smile out of Dean. No fucking way! This was just too much. 

"Crowley!” Sam sneered at Dean. "Again with Crowley. What the hell Dean!” Sam yelled.

Sam watched as Dean just hunched his shoulders and put his head down and started to leave the room without responding, but Sam was too livid to let this go and stepped in front of Dean, grabbing Dean’s shirt with both hands and slamming Dean against the wall of the library. 

"What the fuck Dean. You’re going to tell me what is going on with you and Crowley right now. I’m sick of this. He’s a demon, the goddam king of hell, our enemy, and you’re laughing and sharing private jokes with him." 

Sam slammed Dean against the wall again. "What is it? Are you sleeping with him or are you so scared of being alone you latch onto anyone even if it’s a demon?" Sam sneered. 

"So typical Dean. You just always have to be the obedient little solider huh. Can’t be happy unless you're someone’s blunt little instrument." Sam yelled. "First Dad, then Heaven and now Hell!"

"Answer me." Sam screamed when Dean remained silent. Sam let go of Dean’s shirt and punched him in the jaw then stepped back and bracing himself for the return punch. 

Sam felt adrenaline coursing through his body at the thought of a knock down drag out fight with his brother. He was almost giddy at the thought and in the back of his mind Sam was thinking that this, as it had so often in the past, might be just the thing to break through this lockdown between the two of them. And let's face it, Sam really wanted to make Dean hurt for everything he did to Sam, for Kevin and Gadreel, for all the lies, for still treating Sam like a little kid. 

But Dean just straightened up and tried to push pass Sam never once looking up at Sam and Sam is ashamed to say he just lost it. 

Sam starting hitting Dean and all that could be heard in the library was harsh breathing and flesh striking flesh until Sam came back to himself. Sam looked down at Dean who was on the floor covered in blood and bruises already standing out sharply on Dean's pale skin. And Dean was STILL. NOT. FIGHTING. BACK. 

Sam gasped in horror and stepped back realizing that he was so lost in his rage that he just beat the crap out of his brother and Dean just let him. Dean never once blocked his fists or fought back. 

"What the hell Dean?" Sam shouted desperately at Dean. "What are you doing, why aren’t you fighting back." Sam voice was full of emotion. 

Sam watched as Dean lifted his bruised and battered face and looked at Sam for the first time since this all started, and Dean whispered. "I deserve it Sam. It's okay. I get it." Dean finished sounding broken and lost. 

Sam stood there flabbergasted as Dean struggled to his feet and turned and started to stumble toward his room holding onto the wall for support. Dean was acting so out of character Sam didn’t know what to think, what to do, what to feel.

"No." Sam yelled as all kinds of feelings rushed into him at once, shame, rage, confusion, disgust at himself, at Dean, rage, guilt, horror and finally a sense of enlightenment. 

"This isn’t working." Sam said. His voice low but Dean heard and stopped in his tracks, still facing way from Sam. 

"What?" Dean asked, his voice sounding wrecked and resigned. 

"This." Sam stated. "Us. Working as just professionals and not being brothers, living together like this, hunting together. Nothing is getting better. It's getting worse." Sam said unable to stop himself from saying more words he really didn’t mean in an effort to get a reaction out of him. 

"We can’t do this with each other anymore. I’m hurt… We’re hurting each other too much." Sam said and then after hesitating Sam swallowed and continued. "I don’t want to do this anymore. You need to leave." Sam whipped the words out letting his emotions instead of his brain do the talking. 

Sam watched as Dean seemed to deflate, but then Dean straightened up at bit and again without turning around said. "Okay Sam, whatever you want. I’ll leave." 

And Sam stood there frozen at what just happened and watched Dean limp toward his room. 

Sam turned and silently made his way to his own room, sat on the bed and stared at the floor. "What just happened? What had he done? Oh my God what the hell had he just done." 

When Sam slammed Dean into the wall the only thing Dean thought of at that moment was finally. Finally Sam was letting all the rage out and Dean deserved every bit of it. All he ever did was hurt Sam, hurt Cas, get his friends and family killed. He deserved all of it, so Dean just stood there as Sam spouted out hurtful words and then when not getting the reaction he wanted as Sam started pounding into Dean. 

Dean not once blocked Sam’s fists or threw a punch back. If this is what Sam needed, to let out all the festering feelings, then Dean would let him and then hopefully Sam would start to heal and feel better. 

At the same time though the Mark was going crazy at Dean for not hitting back. It was burning and red hot and thoughts and images were flooding Dean’s brain. "Kill him, stop him, KILL him." The Mark screamed at Dean. 

Dean used the pain from Sam’s fists to keep himself a bit grounded and in control as he clenched at his arm and willed all the feelings of bloodlust the beating was bringing up in him down. Dean felt his control start to slip, emotions and images cursing through his mind until Dean thought about Cas, and Dean went from forcing himself not to fight back to slumping down as more despair flooded him. 

Finally Sam stopped and Dean struggled to get up. He heard Sam talking but didn’t really register what he was saying until he started walking away and he heard Sam say this wasn’t working. 

Dean heard Sam say the words that he had been waiting months to hear. Ever since Gadreel was kicked out of Sam and Sam found out what Dean had done, Dean had been waiting to hear those words. So when Sam told him they couldn’t be together anymore and to leave, Dean just agreed and stumbled to his room. 

Dean felt numb, surprised a little that he had finally been hurt so badly that he pushed past the unbearable pain into numbness, and Dean hoped like hell this numb feeling never went away because Dean knew he would break into a trillion pieces if he had to feel that pain again, the pain of Sam almost dying, then Sam disowning him, hating him, saying he wouldn't save Dean, beating him, telling him to leave the only home he has had since he was 4 years old, of Cas, of Cas finally reaching the breaking point and shutting Dean out. 

Dean stumbled into his room, sat on his bed for a minute or two, and made one last phone call with his phone. The phone was practically in pieces from being slammed onto the floor when Sam attacked him so Dean threw it in his trash can. Dean then put the few clothes he had out in his duffle along with his shaving bag, which were already packed and grabbed the two boxes of weapons, books and belongings he was going to take. 

Dean looked around at his room, bare and empty. It looked nothing like it was when he first started nesting in here. Dean had known Sam was not going to want to stay with him and knew it was just a matter of time. So a few days after that conversation in the kitchen after the fat spa hunt, Dean had packed up his life, thrown away all the personal items he had bought to make his room feel like home, and always kept his clothes packed in his duffle. 

Because of that, within a mere 10 minutes Dean was walking into the garage to his baby, the one constant in his life. He put his stuff in the car took one last look around and drove away from his brother and his home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers: Brief thoughts of suicide. Violence.
> 
> So I had originally wanted to post this last week and leave it as a cliff hanger but I felt bad and couldn't do it, so I waited until I could post more than this chapter. 
> 
> I know that was really rough, so I will give you all a hint at what is coming up. Stop reading if you don't want to know. 
> 
>  
> 
> We have some smut coming up. Sam's will start to act more like himself and what is happening with Cas will make sense eventually so please stick with it.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mind.
> 
> See triggers at end. 
> 
> Again, I'm sorry.

Dean stayed numb as he pulled away from the bunker; he stayed numb for the first 100 miles of driving random highways and streets with no direction in mind; Dean continued to stay numb for an additional 200 miles after that. Dean was numb when he pulled off into a gas station in the middle of nowhere because Baby needed fuel; and Dean was still numb when he winced getting out of the car and walked across the lot and went into the store. 

Dean could see a very attractive woman in her mid 20s behind the counter, short dark hair, big brown eyes and a curvy figure, but Dean was still numb as he turned to smile at the woman when she gasped at his appearance asking if Dean was alright and did he need an ambulance. 

Dean looked up into one of the security mirrors and saw his face covered in dried blood and bruises, and it all came crashing into him again, the pain of the beating, the disgust and hate in Sam’s face as he hit him, Sam telling him to leave, the knowledge that Cas has been talking to Sam all this time. 

It’s so much that Dean’s felt his knees buckle and if the woman, Crystal by her nametag, had not come around quickly to grab a hold of him Dean would have collapsed. 

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.” Crystal said softly. 

Dean gathered up his feelings and shoved them down deep and luckily Dean had the wherewithal to fish his fake FBI badge out of his pants and show it to her, using it to convince her not to call an ambulance. 

“Okay fine.” She agreed reluctantly as she led Dean to the back room employee lounge and sat him down. 

“M’ fine.” Dean mumbles his cheeks and ears pinking up in embarrassment at showing weakness to a total stranger and even more so a very attractive stranger. “It looks worse than it is.” 

Dean tried to pull himself together and smiled at her. “You should see the other guy.” Dean said with a forced smirk. 

Crystal smiled and said. “Yeah okay tough guy.” She picked up one of Dean’s hands and ran her thumb across his un-bruised knuckles, but instead of calling him out of his lie she just started talking as she grabbed a bottle of water and handed it to Dean. 

“Don’t worry.” She said. “I have two older brothers and I’ve seen and patched them up after many bar fights.” Crystal said smiling fondly at the memory. 

She watched as Dean drank half the bottle. Her eyes roved over Dean from top to bottom, her cheeks reddening in embarrassment when Dean caught her checking him out. 

“Look.” Crystal says. “I’m closing in 15 minutes.” And Dean misunderstanding started to get up. 

“No, no.” She said pushing Dean back down. “We have a shower in here for employees and a bed.” She pointed to a full size bed in the corner. Since we are so far out sometimes we have people stay here before or after a shift she explained at Dean’s questioning look. 

“I’m going to go and close up so why don’t you take a shower and get cleaned up and then you can rest a bit. Okay G-man?” Crystal said firmly but then laughed softly at Dean’s bemused expression. 

She handed Dean a towel. “I’ll patch you up when I finish.” Crystal said and then shook her head at Dean when he started to open his mouth to decline. “Nope. Don’t want to hear it.” 

Dean was surprised at how kind and gentle this stranger was being to him. “Why are you helping me?” Dean asked feeling out of his element. 

“Well like I said I’m kinda used to this with my brothers and with you being a G man and all that there must be a good reason you want to avoid the hospital. I’m just doing my civic duty.” Crystal explained and then she grinned up at Dean from under her long lashes. “Of course, it doesn’t hurt that you’re a very hot G- man even all beat up.” She admitted shyly. 

Dean smiled back and accepted her explanation because he really had nowhere else to be and was not even sure where he was. Since the numbness wore off Dean felt gross and dirty and was covered in blood so a hot shower sounded wonderful to help with his bruises and stiffness. 

“Okay. Well the US Government thanks you.” Dean said sincerely while smiling and flirting right back.

Crystal went back out front, and Dean quickly went in the shower and cleaned himself up. Dean surveyed the damage in the mirror when he stepped out. “Not too bad.” Dean thought. Yeah Sam hits like a brick wall, but there was not much to patch up. Dean just had a lot of bruises, cuts and scrapes, but there were two larger cuts on his forehead and upper cheek. They weren’t bad enough for stitches and a simple butterfly bandage should do the trick. 

Dean heard Crystal come back in the room and he pulled his boxers, jeans and his T-shirt back on and stepped out of the bathroom. 

Crystal took a nice long look at him again from toes to face, her eyes lingering on his injuries. 

“Do you think your ribs are broken?” She asked while getting an ice pack out of a small mini fridge. 

“No.” Dean said. “I’m just a little sore, nothing to worry about.” 

Dean sat on the edge of the bed and Crystal walked up and stepped between Dean’s legs. She gently applied some ointment and bandages to his face. 

When Crystal finished, she gently cupped Dean’s cheek. “You know you’re about the most exciting thing that has happened to me in a very long time.” Crystal murmured her eyes focused on Dean’s lips. 

Crystal moved her gaze from Dean’s lips to his eyes and then suddenly they were kissing and groping each other, passion flaring quick and intense between them. Dean moaned in pleasure as he lost himself in her soft curved body. 

They quickly undressed each other and flopped down on the bed, both laughing. Dean shifted her beneath him and took her nipple into his mouth and sucked, glancing up at her through his thick lashes, and for a split second it seemed like Crystal had a predatory look in her eyes, but then she blinked and gasped and Dean dismissed the thought quickly. 

Dean has been with a lot of women and he knows just how to play their bodies with his hands and mouth and while Dean nibbled, licked and sucked her body Dean inserted two fingers into her moist heat and with a few flicks and twists Dean was delighted at the sight of her writhing and moaning beneath Dean as Crystal shuddered through her first orgasm. 

Crystal started tugging at him, but Dean just smiled and pushed her back down. Dean slid down her body and settled himself between her legs telling her to just relax. 

Dean then proceeded to show her just how good he was able to work his beautiful lips and mouth, and once again she shook apart beneath him. 

Finally Dean grabbed a condom and soon he was slipping into her wet heat feeling her walls contract around him while Dean kissed her passionately. Once inside Dean started moving but he kept it nice and slow until Crystal was hovering on the edge again, and then Dean let loose. Dean’s blood was singing with arousal and pleasure and his thrusts became faster and faster. 

“Oh Dean!” Crystal gasped out. “Oh Winchester!” 

Dean stopped his thrusts for a split second as he registered what she said, but then without her noticing the hesitation, Dean kept going until they were both shouting out with simultaneous orgasms. 

Dean took a minute to catch his breath, and then stood up getting rid of the condom and pulling his jeans on. 

Dean casually walked over to his jacket and grabbed the First Blade putting it behind his back as he turned. 

Dean startled a bit when he saw Crystal standing just a few feet from him already dressed in his T-shirt not having heard her move. 

Crystal’s eyes flashed black and her smile was wide as she asked. “So what gave me away lover?” 

Dean felt the familiar rush of adrenaline and the Mark started blazing on his arm, burning more intensely as Dean was so close to another knight, and Dean’s whole body was buzzing. 

“You called me Winchester.” Dean smirked. “You been in there from the beginning?” Dean asked silently cursing himself for being duped.

“No.” Abaddon laughed. “I jumped her when you were in the shower. I thought I would have a little fun before taking you to the nice torture chamber I have waiting for you, but Dean.” Abaddon cooed as she waved her hand at the side of her face like she is trying to cool off. 

“I thought you were just a gorgeous face, but I'm impressed. I figured I could get some good material to belittle you with, taunt you about how bad a lover you are, but oh my, what a surprise. That was hmm probably the best sex I’ve had in decades hell maybe even centuries. Guess I have to rethink my plans for you because I’m not denying myself that again.” Abaddon smiled at the thought as she stepped closer to Dean. 

Dean saw that predatory look once again in her eyes, and when Abaddon stepped closer to Dean, he pulled his Blade from behind his back. 

“I don’t think that’s going to be happening again seeing as how I’m going to kill you right now.” Dean threatened and he flexed his forearm up a bit to draw Abaddon’s attention to the Mark.

Dean watched as the color drained from Abaddon’s face when she saw the First Blade in Dean’s hand and the Mark on Dean’s arm.

“What! How did you get that?” Abaddon shrieked. 

Dean just laughed. “Oh it was a gift from Cain, and he gives his regards. Cain really has a hate on for you, not that I blame him seeing as you killed the love of his life.” Dean was smirking at Abaddon’s reaction, thrilled that this would finally be over. 

At first Abaddon had looked scared and pissed, but when Dean stepped forward about to raise the blade, she shocked Dean into pausing when she clapped her hands together in glee and jumped up and down a few times before throwing her head back and laughing. 

“Oh, oh.” Abaddon said. “This is going to be so great lover.” 

“What the hell are you laughing at?” Dean demanded, his mind racing trying to figure out what was going on. 

“Oh, lover this is so perfect, especially after that stellar performance.” Abaddon giggled, actually fucking giggled like a school girl while nodding toward the bed. Her smile got even wider at the look of bewilderment on Dean’s face. 

“Fuck this!” Dean thought. “I don’t care what she’s going on about I just need to kill her.” The Mark was throbbing on Dean’s arm as power started to run through his body. 

Dean raised his blade and just as he was about to bury it in her evil heart, Dean hesitated for a split second as he realized that Crystal was more than likely still alive. Abaddon had only been in her a few hours. Kind, sweet Crystal who was willing to help out a total stranger and who was probably screaming inside terrified. 

Unfortunately for Dean, a split second was all it took. Abaddon used that second of hesitation on Dean’s part to throw her head back and smoke out. 

“Son of a bitch!” Dean screamed unable to comprehend that he just let Abaddon get away. Dean turned and punched the wall as his father screamed in his head the words that had been drilled into Dean throughout his whole life. “Never hesitate, Dean. Its life or death, you or them, never fucking hesitate.”

It was such a fucking amateur move on Dean’s part and he just couldn’t comprehend it for a second. He gave Abaddon the opportunity to get away. Granted he thought she would stay in fight, but still how much of a screw up, waste of space, idiot, poor excuse for a hunter was Dean. 

Dean gripped his hair and pulled at it, full of disgust and anger at himself, when Dean heard a soft moan, which quickly pulled Dean out of his ugly thoughts as he rushed to Crystal’s side to help her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers: Non-con due to possession.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one for this week. Thanks everyone again for sticking with the story and your comments and kudos. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine.

A few hours later, Dean’s had pulled off the road in a lookout point and was leaning against Baby on his way to getting as drunk as possible in an attempt to forget his colossal failure tonight. 

Dean took in the quiet still night letting his thoughts wander. Dean had to admit that this was one of the worst days Dean’s ever had. When Sam told Dean he couldn’t trust him and didn’t want to be his brother any longer, it had hurt. It hurt so badly that it took Dean’s breath away, but Sam had been right to feel that way after what Dean had done with Gadreel. Then when Sam said he wouldn’t save him, Dean was surprised to feel a higher level of pain and hurt, but again while it killed Dean to hear that from Sam he understood. Dean was a fuck up. He broke everything he touched. He was poison. He didn’t deserve to be saved.

Then Dean had taken on this Mark of evil without any thought to the consequences. His only goal had been to kill Abaddon, and what does Dean do, he fails. He makes a rookie mistake and fails. Dean not only didn’t kill Abaddon, but now she knows about the Mark and the Blade and any advantage they had against her is gone. 

“Fuck my life.” Dean muttered to himself, rubbing his hand across his chest as he felt a fresh wave of pain thinking about Cas and the physical aches from his bruises and cuts from Sam’s beat down, which Dean totally deserved. Hell Dean deserved so much worse. 

Then, Dean thought he found a nice sweet woman to get lost in tonight. Dean has not had a lot of sex lately and he just wanted a reprieve from all the pain and hurt and constantly fighting the feelings the Mark was bringing up. Dean just wanted to lose himself in the softness of passion. 

 

Sure Dean felt the Mark burning on his arm when he was touching Crystal but Dean had not had sex since taking it on and he figured it was just a reaction to his emotions so Dean ignored the feelings. Dean’s own body was screaming at him that something was very wrong and Dean Just. Ignored. It. 

Dean thought back to that conversation when they were hunting the siren when he yelled at Sam for always banging monsters, and Dean snorted to himself cause he’s the one whose been banging all the monsters. Granted most of the time it was against his will but still, we have vampires, demons, human monsters like his dad and his buddies, an Amazon, an angel, well I guess not quite an angel and certainly not the angel Dean really wanted to be with, but Dean would put Anna in the angel category nonetheless. 

Well there was one person Dean hesitated to put into that category of a monster because he was such a good person, really the only person who had never betrayed Dean, who had stood and fought with Dean and for Dean. God how he missed Benny, Dean thought as regret and guilt flooding through him because look how that turned out. Be friends with Dean Winchester and how does he repay that, he kills you. 

“Fuck!” Dean screamed again into the night. Dean banged his fist down on Baby’s hood, the weight of all his failures and mistakes just pushing him down and shattering his already shattered soul. 

His father’s voice screamed in his head again. “Yet another fuckup Dean. Need to watch out for Sammy better. You didn’t bring home enough money and now Sammy is going to be hungry because of you. If you weren’t so pretty I would dump your ass.” Dean heard John sneer insult upon insult in his head, then the voice morphed into Alistair’s hissing voice. “Oh Dean, so pretty, made for this, made for me. Been waiting for you ever since I saw you in your father’s mind. You will be my pet for eternity.” Then Alistair’s voice morphed into voices of people Dean has failed, people who abused him, to Sam’s voice, to Cas’, to mom’s all switching back and forth screaming in his head as a chorus in Dean’s mind. “You’re just a fuck toy. Such cock sucking lips. All you’re good for. Worthless. Lousy hunter. Horrible brother. Worst friend a person could have. Every one leaves you Dean. You get everyone killed. Slut. Failure. I can’t trust you, I wouldn’t Dean, I wouldn’t …. “  
“I know! Fuck you!” Dean screamed into the night throwing his bottle as far as he could watching as it smashed to pieces on the rocks below. Dean whimpered suddenly exhausted mentally and physically and he slid down to sit against Baby’s door. Dean wrapped his arms around his knees and put his head down. “I know.” Dean whispered as he lost his battle of holding back his tears and quietly sobbed into his legs trying and failing to bring the numbness back. 

Crowley found Dean huddled up against his car and it sounded like he was crying. Crowley was torn between leaving because he knows Dean would not appreciate being seen this way or staying to offer some comfort. 

And what the bloody hell is wrong with this picture. That the King of Hell, a demon, is wanting to offer comfort to a human, a hunter. 

Yes the thought of Dean spread out on his bed keeps Crowley company most nights, but this, wanting to comfort Dean and make him feel better, that’s just wrong. 

Crowley muttered to himself about friggin Dean Winchester making him feeeel things and Crowley is not at all sure he likes it but it is what it is apparently. 

Crowley pushed that away to think about later and knelt in front of Dean putting his hand on Dean’s shoulder. 

“Squirrel?” Crowley called out gently and he felt Dean stiffen. Dean must really be out of it if he let his guard down so much that he didn’t even notice Crowley until he touched him. 

“What’s going on Squirrel, what happened? Crowley asked his concern for Dean spiking.

“Nothing. Just go away Crowley.” Dean muttered against his arms without looking up. 

Crowley stood up and walked away a few steps and then turned around and said. “No sorry not going anywhere. I’ll just wait here until you’re ready to talk.” 

When Dean felt Crowley pull away and stand up apparently listening to Dean telling him to go away Dean had to physically stop himself from reaching out and grabbing onto him. “Wow he really was pathetic, trying to derive some comfort from a demon, his enemy most of the time.” 

Hell Dean knew Crowley was only using him to kill Abaddon and get his throne back, and after that Crowley would undoubtedly go back to trying to kill Dean. At the very least Crowley definitely wouldn’t be showing Dean all this concern and acting like Dean mattered to him. 

Dean knew it was fake, but right now he didn’t want to be alone, and he was so relieved when Crowley just turned around and said he would wait for him to talk. 

So Dean wiped his face on his jeans before trying to smirk, and failing miserably, as he stood up. Dean cleared his throat a bit still looking down and mumbled. “I fucked up tonight.”

Dean paused and Crowley just stood there raising a brow as he waited, and Dean sighed loudly. “Abaddon knows about the Mark and the Blade, I let her get away and I slept with her.” Dean said quickly dropping his tone at the last item on the list hoping Crowley wouldn’t catch it. 

Dean looked up and took a step back when red started to creep into Crowley’s eyes. 

“What?” Crowley asked in a deceptively calm and low tone. “Please tell me you didn’t just say you slept with the BLOODY QUEEN OF EVIL.” Crowley yelled his voice rising with each word. 

Dean flinched back and just nodded expecting to be hit or vaporized.

However, Crowley just took a deep breath and snapped his fingers and Dean found himself in a luxury hotel suite.

“What the hell Crowley? Where the fuck are we? Where’s Baby?” Dean demanded a little unnerved at this unexpected move on Crowley’s part. 

Crowley just stalked over to the bar and poured them both a large glass of Craig and gestured for Dean to sit down. 

“This is one of my safe houses, hotels, whatever.” Crowley said waving his hand dismissively. “Now take a drink and tell me what the bloody hell happened tonight. Oh and relax Baby is in the parking lot.” Crowley answered the question just as Dean opened his mouth to ask again. 

Dean sighed loudly and then sat down and proceeded to tell Crowley about the fight with Sam, leaving, meeting Crystal, realizing it was Abaddon and how he hesitated letting her get away. 

“And she was laughing Crowley. Abaddon was laughing and seemed delighted about something.” Dean told Crowley. “I don’t get it what the hell was she so happy about?” Dean said looking to Crowley for answers. 

Crowley took a few seconds to push back his rage and all consuming jealously at the thought that Dean slept with Abaddon as his eyes flashed red again before he could get control. 

But then Crowley looked at Dean and Crowley has never seen Dean look so defeated, so broken down, so Crowley just pulled Dean to his feet and pushed him toward one of the bedrooms. 

“Go take a shower and I’ll order room service. Then you will get some rest while I try to find out some information. After that, we’ll sit down and figure it out. Okay?” Crowley said in a firm tone. 

“Okay?” Crowley repeated when Dean opened his mouth no doubt to protest, but then surprisingly Dean just nodded and walked into the bedroom.


	19. Author Note

Hi everyone. It was brought to my attention that the first 5 chapters did not have quotation marks. I'm very sorry about that. Writing is a new experience for me and I'm learning as I go along. So I went back and edited the those chapters. I just wanted to let you know. I'll have a couple of chapters up tomorrow. 

Thanks again and sorry if leaving those out made it difficult to follow the story.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I only have 2 chapters this week. The third one I was hoping to post is kicking my ass. I had two versions and didn't know which to use and then tried to combine them and ugh its a complete mess so it will have to wait until next week. However, these two are slightly longer than usual. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine.
> 
> Again, thanks you so much for your comments and kudos.

Almost two months, seven weeks, 3 days to be exact. That’s how long it takes Sam to finally catch up with Dean. 

It was a mere 30 minutes before Sam came to his senses and realized that the last thing he wanted was for Dean to leave. He ran to Dean’s room and just stood there not believing at first what he was seeing. Dean was gone, his room was packed up and after running to the garage Sam saw that the Impala was gone too. 

Sam looked down at his watch again not quite believing only 30 minutes had gone by. How had Dean left so quickly, packed up so fast? And Dean was injured, which should have slowed him down. Sam wanted to take care of him and talk and apologize, but Dean was just gone. 

Sam went back to Dean’s room to see if there was any sign of where he might have gone and tried to call Dean’s cell. He heard a weird ping-like sound and a small vibration and realized Dean’s phone was in the trash can, practically in pieces. 

“Oh shit.” Sam swore. “How the hell was Sam going to reach Dean now?"

So here Sam was almost two months later and Sam still couldn’t understand how Dean managed to hide himself so completely for all this time when they both knew each others tricks, but somehow Dean managed to. 

It took awhile but when Sam finally figured out a pattern that showed Dean was hunting large groups of monsters, Sam reasoned Dean had to be getting intel from somewhere. So after a tension filled visit with Garth, who refused to betray Dean’s trust no matter how much Sam begged, threatened and nagged at first, Garth devised a sort of work around. 

Garth still refused to confirm that he had been in touch with Dean or even who Dean was hunting with because Sam guestimated that with the size of the hunts Sam had managed to trace to Dean there had to be a group of around 6 to 8 hunters. 

After Sam’s worry and need to make things right with Dean finally softened up Garth, Garth told Sam that the next time he got wind of a large group of monsters he would tell him in case Sam wanted to check out the hunt himself. It was the best he could do. 

Sam was so thankful he actually pulled Garth in for a hug before the overly affectionate man/wolf could take the initiative. 

Sam pulled up to the house, which he determined housed some Vetalas, glad to see the Impala but surprised to not see any other vehicles to signify other hunters. 

Sam turned to the house trying to do some surveillance when he saw a figure slip around from the back of the house and run toward Sam and the Impala. 

Sam’s knees were weak with relief when he recognized his brother and saw that he was in fact okay and in one piece, but his heart sunk when Dean skidded to a stop in front of him and with just a brief glance at Sam Dean started opening the Impala’s trunk, showing no indication that he was glad to see Sam. 

Dean assured the people locked in the cage in the basement of the house that he would be back as fast as possible, the chain and lock being so heavy duty that Dean was going to need the large bolt cutters he had in the trunk. 

Dean gazed at the five people in the cage with worry. There were three adults and two teenagers and one of the adults was in bad shape, like needed a hospital right now bad shape. 

Dean quietly but quickly slipped out the bulk head and ran around the house toward the Impala when he saw the unmistakably very large silhouette of his brother. 

“ Dammit! How the hell did Sam find him? Crowley you are losing your touch.” Dean swore in frustration. 

Well Dean couldn’t deal with Sam right now. He had a house full of monsters, humans that needed rescuing, and even though all Dean wanted to do at the moment was run in the opposite direction and not have to deal with Sam he kept going forward, hiding his emotions as best as he could, the adrenaline helping the situation. 

Dean skidded a stop and, while opening up the trunk and routing around for the bolt cutter, Dean barked at Sam. “What are you doing here?” 

Sam just raised an eyebrow and said. “Well Dean, I’m on a hunt, same as you.” 

“Yeah right.” Dean snorted to himself. “Look Sam, hunter’s rule, I was here first so take off, I don’t need help.” Dean grumbled. 

Dean finally found the bolt cutter and turned around, his expression serious and determined. 

“Are you alone?” Sam asked, but Dean just remained silent. 

“You know I’ve been trying to find you for weeks, Dean, seven fucking weeks!” Sam said his voice starting to rise. 

“Keep your voice down, geez Sammy. Um I mean, Sam.” Dean said looking toward the house missing the flinch and pain that flared across Sam’s face at his correction. 

“I’m not leaving Dean.” Sam stated crossing his arms and giving Dean bitch face #12. 

“Well crap.” Dean didn't have time to deal with this and there were too many monsters for it to be safe for Sam. Dean sighed in resignation. 

“Did you drive here in a car big enough for five people?” Dean asked. 

Sam looked confused at the sudden shift in conversation, but nodded his head. 

“Okay fine. You want to help. Take this and get the people out of the cage in the basement and take them directly to the hospital. One is in really bad shape. And I’ll go take care of the monsters.” Dean ordered pleased at himself at finding a way to get Sam out of harm’s way. 

Sam was already shaking his head no. “I’m not leaving you to take care of them by yourself Dean. Do you even know how many there are in there, I heard it was a lot.” 

“No, wrong intel.” Dean said dismissively. “There are definitely two maybe three at the most.” Dean explained. “You know Vetalas are solitary monsters.” Dean hedged. 

Sam still had a stubborn look plastered on his face and still didn’t make a move to do what Dean asked.

Dean sighed. “Look I’m serious Sam. That guy needs to get to a hospital right away so this actually works out well. You get them out, I gank the monsters okay?” 

Not waiting for another argument from Sam, Dean just thrust the cutters in his hand and started toward the front of the house, waving Sam toward the back. Dean watched as thankfully Sam listened and ran around the back of the house. 

A few minutes later, Dean was crouched on the porch waiting when he saw Sam with the captives running away from the house carrying the wounded guy between them. 

He waved at Sam with his blade and pulled his lock pick out pretending to be picking the lock until Sam and the others were out of sight. Then Dean sheathed his blade behind his back, took a breath and banged on the front door loudly. 

“Avon calling.” Dean yelled out snickering when the door was roughly thrust open by a confused looking Vetala. 

“What the hell?” She said spotting Dean and then looking around started to smirk. 

“I think you just made the biggest mistake of your life hunter, you think you can just stroll up and bang on our door. Do you know what you’re dealing with here?" She smiled, running her hand down the side of Dean’s face, scraping her nails into Dean’s skin.

“Hmm.” Dean said pretending to think, tapping his finger against his chin after jerking out of her grasp. 

“Yeah I believe I just found myself a pack of Vetalas. It’s pretty unusual I have to say.” Dean continued talking in a casual unafraid way making the monster frown a bit. 

“I mean you guys are usually pretty solitary, sometimes 2 at a time, but a house of 16? That’s pretty impressive. Weird, but impressive.” Dean said as he looked straight at her, once again giving her the Dean Winchester smirk. 

The Vetala’s frown increased as she tried to figure out Dean’s game. 

“You know this and you still came in unarmed and alone?” She questioned incredulously. “Oh and by the way, it’s more like 20.” She laughed.

“Cool.” Dean replied. “Well are you going to invite me in or are you rude in addition to being a blood sucking parasite?” Dean questioned pleased when the Vetala’s face reddened in anger. 

The Vetala stepped back allowing Dean to enter while calling out. “Guys you’re not going to believe this. We have a visitor, a hunter, and get this, he’s by himself.” 

Everyone in the house started toward the living room and then paused trying to figure out what Dean was up to. 

Dean saw the majority of them come into the room, and when they seemed to pause to figure out if this was some kind of trap Dean put his hands out in front of him to the side in an I come in peace gesture.

The monsters didn’t move still uneasy so Dean winked at them invitingly. “Well, what’re you waiting for? Come and get me.” Dean challenged.

As they all advanced, Dean started laughing and all hell broke loose. 

 

Sam was glad the hospital was only 20 minutes away as the guy really looked like he was minutes away from dying. The others were harmed but not as badly. 

The older woman who told Sam her name was Diane when he was ushering them into the car was still shaking but was trying to appear calm. 

"Thank you." Diane said for the fourth time her body visibly shaking and her eyes wild. "I thought for sure we were all going to die. I don’t even understand what those things were." 

Sam just hummed concentrating on speeding through traffic toward to the hospital. 

"Where’s Dean?" Diane asked looking around after finally calming down enough to take in more of her surroundings. 

"Dean stayed back to take care of the monsters." Sam explained. 

"What!" Diane exclaimed making Sam jump. "Do you know how many there are?" Diane shouted while giving Sam the stink eye wondering how someone could leave their partner alone. 

"Don’t worry about it Diane." Sam said trying to calm the woman down. "Dean said there were 2 or 3, and he can handle that without a problem. I’ll go back as soon as I drop you guys off, and we need to come up with a story so you guys don’t end up in the loony bin." 

"Two or three!" Diane shouted again at Sam grasping his sleeve. "Sam no. There are, I don’t know, maybe 20 of them?” Diane said her eyes wild again as she remembered her ordeal.

"What!" Sam cried out slamming on the brakes in front of the emergency room doors. "Are you sure?” Sam asked as dread filled his body. He should have known Dean would pull something like this. He lied to get Sam to leave the mother fucker. Sam was going to kill Dean if he was still alive. 

"Look tell them it was some weird Satanic cult." Sam told Diane rushing them out of the car thankful that a stretcher was already on its way, his screeching tires having alerted the emergency room staff. 

"I gotta go. Will you be okay?" Sam questioned already sliding into the driver’s seat fumbling with the door in his haste to get back to Dean. 

"Yes, yes, go help him. Don’t let anything happen to him please. He was so sweet and you guys saved us. Thank you again." Diane called out as she was being escorted into the emergency room.

Sam just waved done talking and floored it back to the house. Sam was frustrated and the cold snake of fear was filling his body. 

After everything Sam did and said to Dean, Dean still was protecting Sam. Sam realized the only emotion he felt right now at the thought of Dean protecting him was fear. That all consuming anger Sam would have felt months, hell even weeks ago, was gone. Yeah Sam was still mad at Dean's actions, but the rage and apathy toward Dean had disappeared. Sam just hoped it wasn't too late to let Dean know how Sam felt now. 

Sam slowed the car to a crawl when he saw all the emergency lights and fire trucks parked outside the house, which was completely engulfed in flames. 

Sam’s heart stopped for the few seconds it took before he realized the Impala was nowhere to be found, so obviously Dean was alive when he left the scene. Sam suspected Dean had set fire to the house since there were so many monsters in there. 

Sam gripped the steering wheel tightly as he confirmed to himself that yes, without a doubt, Sam was going to strangle Dean when he found him.


	21. Chapter 21

Sam got back in the car and started to drive. Sam would search the few motels this town had for the Impala and Sam prayed Dean had not left town yet. 

After about 15 minutes, Sam on his way to yet another cheap motel happened to glance sideways and saw the Impala parked in front of a pretty decent motel. It wasn't five stars but it was definitely a couple of grades above where they usually stayed. Sam would never have thought to look here and considered himself lucky that he had spotted the Impala. 

After flashing his FBI badge at the clerk and getting the key, Sam slowly opened the door to Dean’s room hearing the shower running. 

Sam banged on the bathroom door once and yelled. "It’s just me." To let Dean know it was Sam in the room so he wasn't attacked by Dean when he came out of the shower and found someone in his room. 

Vibrating with nervous energy at the thought of confronting Dean, Sam glanced around taking in the two beds, nightstand and table with papers strewn across. 

Sam made his way over to the table wanting to see if he could find out anything about who Dean was working with when he heard the shower shut off, so Sam just leaned against the wall with his arms crossed and watched as Dean limped out of the bathroom. 

Sam could honestly say that nothing could have prepared himself for what he saw when Dean came into the room. Sam just stared in horror at Dean. Dean was covered in only a small towel and Sam's mind struggle to comprehend and take in the multitude of injuries covering Dean practically from head to toe. 

Almost every area of Dean’s body was bruised or cut. There were burns, and knife wounds and holy crap at least two gunshot wounds. There were claw marks and bites and stitches in various wounds, all of them in different stages of healing. 

"What the hell happened Dean?" Sam exclaimed. "How, what..?" Sam just opened and closed his mouth a few times completely at a loss, his brain trying to compute what he was seeing. 

“How the hell are you so injured Dean? What the hell is going on? Why haven’t you asked Cas to heal you?” Sam managed to stutter cringing a little at the high pitch to his voice making Sam sound like a teenager. 

"Why haven’t you asked Cas to heal you? The pain of those words sliced across Dean's chest like a knife. Dean sometimes forgets just how cruel Sam can be, but all it has ever taken were words for Sam to cut Dean down to nothing and once again he is doing it. Rage and pain flowed through Dean, and he grabbed at the Mark to try to calm it down. 

"That's low even for you Sam." Dean said turning to get his clothes out of his duffle missing the confusion on Sam’s face. Dean heard Sam gasp again when he got a look at Dean's back. 

"Dean, what, I don't, why, what's going on?" Sam finally managed to get out. 

Dean just waved his hand dismissively at Sam while slipping on his boxers and a T-shirt. "Nothing I'm fine. Just tell me what you want because I want to go to bed." 

Sam continued to stare at Dean for a minute unsure how to respond. Sam's mind was racing trying to make sense of everything. 

"What. Do. You. Want. Sam?" Dean repeated sounding frustrated and his voice held an edge of anger. Dean knew the only reason Sam would be here, taking the trouble to track Dean down was because he must need something pretty badly. Otherwise Sam wouldn't put himself in a situation where he would have to be with Dean. 

Dean's eyes kept flickering to the door and then back to Sam who was clearly in Dean's path and Dean cursed to himself at being trapped in the room. Dean was really not up to this right now. The fight with the Vetalas took a lot of out him and the killing had been particularly brutal, even for him lately. 

Surprisingly Dean was also pretty hurt so he had just set the whole house on fire and got the hell out of dodge, not up to doing to a proper clean up. Plus Dean figured Sam would be back soon and he wanted to leave before that. 

Sam took note of Dean's gaze falling on the door and ran his hands through his hair in frustration at his brother. Sam then took a breath, and not wanting things to get out of control again, Sam spoke softly to Dean. "I don't want anything Dean, I want to talk." Sam said stepping closer to Dean.

Dean stepped back putting his hand out in a stop gesture. "You know what. No. I'm not doing this now. I'm hurt and...” Dean frowned in annoyance when he heard Sam’s loud snort at the Dean’s understatement of the situation. 

Dean just sighed loudly and continued. “I’m exhausted and not really up to being put down and insulted by you right now Sam so either tell me what you need me to do for you or leave." Dean inwardly winced that his voice sounded tired and worn instead of firm and in control. 

Dean looked up at Sam expecting to see anger on Sam's face, and Dean’s brow wrinkled in puzzlement when he saw that Sam just looked a little hurt and sad. 

"Dean I don't want anything from you, well I want to talk, explain…" Sam started to stutter out. This was definitely not going the way Sam thought it would.

"Okay enough." Dean said cutting Sam off again. Dean just couldn't deal. He was about to drop and for some reason ever since he saw Sam the Mark was burning, but in a different way than it had before, pushing and poking more at Dean with feelings of rage and violence. 

Dean just got into bed and pulled the covers over himself. “Sam I'm going to sleep. If you want to talk in the morning, I'll consider it but right now no, just no.” 

Dean looked at Sam who was just standing there not sure what to do and then Dean really looked at Sam and saw how tired and drawn his face was, and he even looked a little skinnier and his skin was pale. Dean propped himself up on his elbow. 

"You don't look so good Sam. Is it the trials still or is something else going on? Dean asked unable to hide his concern. 

"I'm okay Dean, just tired." Sam said as he turned his head slightly away from Dean. 

Dean stared at Sam a little longer trying to see if that was all there was to it and surprised himself by saying. “There's another bed Sam. If you need to crash for a few hours feel free and hopefully in the morning you can spit out what you need, but right now I'm going to sleep.” Dean then laid down again and shut off the bedside lamp. 

Dean heart was pounding and he held his breath waiting to see what Sam would do. Would Sam stomp out in a fit of rage, start yelling or just lie down? 

Dean desperately wanted Sam to lie down and stay because despite everything that happened, all the horrible words, punches and pain, Dean missed Sam so much. 

But while Dean wanted so badly for Sam to stay, Dean also knew it was a bad idea. These last seven weeks Dean has been able to get a handle on his emotions a bit about Sam and Cas and everything that Dean destroyed. Of course he accomplished this by pushing it deep down inside himself and ignoring everything as best he could by focusing on the mission; killing as many monsters as he can while hunting Abaddon, and so what if Dean did all this while drinking himself to oblivion most nights. 

Dean felt the prickle of tears behind his eyelids and sighed in relief as he turned his head into the pillow to hide a smile when he heard Sam get undressed and slip into the other bed. Dean’s relief was almost palpable. 

Dean wanted to savor having Sam with him for however short that time might be and with the comforting and familiar sound of Sam breathing Dean drifted off into exhausted slumber wondering again what it was that Sam wanted. 

Sam wondered at the flinch of pain and insult Dean threw at him when Sam asked Dean why he hadn’t asked Cas to heal him, but he just put it aside as something else they needed to talk about. 

When Dean turned to dig in his duffle Sam found himself gasping again at the sight of Dean's back, which was just as bruised, cut, scraped, bitten, clawed, and stabbed as his front, maybe more so, and Dean had these weird feather shaped burns in the middle of his upper back. Sam was getting ready to ask about them when Dean waved at him dismissively, and Sam figured he would pick his battles and not push that right now. 

Then Dean asked what he wanted and Sam felt a wave of immense sadness that he had let things get so bad between them, that Dean figured the only reason Sam was here was because he needed Dean to do something and not because he wanted to see him. 

Sam had tried to explain but then Dean had cut him off and crawled into bed effectively shutting down the conversation before it started. 

Sam took a minute to look at Dean now that he was over the shock of all his injuries and saw how tired and drawn Dean looked, like he had aged years since they parted. Sam swallowed against the tears that threatened when he looked into Dean's eyes and all he saw was a dark abyss of pain and loss, knowing that he played a huge part in what Dean was feeling right now. 

Sam was about to try to talk again when Dean propped himself up on an elbow and started giving Sam the once over. Sam rolled his eyes at Dean when he asked if Sam was okay. 

Dean just couldn't stop being a big brother even with things as bad as they were between them, and Sam turning his head slightly to hide the smile Dean’s mother henning put on his face while telling Dean he was just tired. Sam was hopeful that Dean still seemed to put Sam’s well before his, and when Dean offered the second bed for him to rest Sam couldn’t have been happier. 

The truth was Sam was really tired from all the searching for Dean, the anxiety then the relief at finding him, the confusion of Dean’s injuries and the sadness that Dean just thought he was here because he needed something. It was all emotionally draining. 

Sam vowed he would make Dean listen to him in the morning even if he had to cuff Dean to a chair. So Sam quickly got undressed and laid down in the bed smiling to himself as he fell asleep almost instantly to the familiar sound of Dean's breathing.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. Well I'm not really happy with this chapter but I've re-done it too many times. I've have the following three chapters ready so I needed to just post this. Its a lot longer than I anticipated. 
> 
> I hope you all like it or at least not hate it. It's intense and can be triggering so check out notes at the end. I'll put a brief summary if you want to skip it.

Dean whimpered in his sleep at the all encompassing fear and worry he felt as he stared at the wrecked motel room, torn apart by Dean trying to find a clue as to what creature or human monster had taken Sammy before coming to the realization that Sam had run away. Sam had run away on his watch, but even worse he had run away from Dean. 

Dean’s body trembled in terror as the rumble of the Impala was heard pulling up to the motel. In his dream, Dean felt every punch and kick, every slice of the belt on his back, ass and thighs, and the sting of his bleeding wrists fighting the handcuffs. Every night until they found Sam was a repeat performance and Dean’s mind flashed to each painful and degrading moment. 

Then Dean found himself in the Impala watching as Sam walked away leaving Dean to go look for John in California, and then the feeling of betrayal and ache as Dean stood in that smoky bar while Meg sneered insults at Dean all based on what Sam had told her about him.

Dean twitched violently in his sleep as he found himself back in the asylum, his chest burning and stinging with the embedded salt, his ribs crying in pain from the force of the shot, flinching as Sam told Dean exactly what he thought of him, the feelings enhanced by Dr. Ellicott but still all Sam's. Dean shook in disbelief as Sam pulled the trigger over and over on the empty gun as he stood over Dean with a sneer of hate. 

Dean’s movements eased as Dean smiled in his sleep. Dean was lying back on the hard earth staring up at a distorted gray colored sky. Benny was lying next to him, and it in one of the few rare moments when Benny was full of doubt and losing hope at finding the portal, Dean turned to Benny with conviction in his face. “Don’t worry man. Sammy is moving heaven and earth trying to get me and Cas out of here. If we don’t find the portal, we just have to wait until Sam figures it out. Sam would never leave me here, and when he pulls me out you’re coming with me.” Dean said with certainty and felt warmth spread through him when Benny finally smiled. Dean then found himself in the cabin as crippling shock and betrayal swept through his body. “Did you look for me Sam?  


Dean’s nightmare led him from one horrible memory to the next. Sam leaving Dean after finding out about Amy, Sam telling Dean he was going back to school after they killed the demon, the nasty words Sam said after the siren infected them, sitting on a cot as Sam explained he had been back for a year, the Campbell’s look of disgust at Dean as they joked about his time in hell. 

Dean moaned in pain as he felt the glass crunching underneath him as he struggled to breathe around Sam’s hands as they strangled Dean. “You’re not strong enough.” Sam’s back a silhouette as walked out the door, leaving Dean for Ruby. “You don’t know me. You never did, and you never will.” 

Tears ran down Dean’s cheeks as he slept finding himself back in the run down house watching Sam walk out the door on his way to Stanford, the harsh belittling words Sam had spat out at Dean ringing in Dean’s head. And as the door slammed shut behind Sam, terror froze Dean in place as John turned to Dean with hate and the promise of violence in his eyes. There were snapshots of the weeks of near constant pain from the injuries Dean received that night and the weeks of not being able to sit down without wincing. 

Flashes of memories flew through Dean’s subconscious of all the horrible things that happened after Sam left since John no longer had to hide anything, ending when John caught Dean when he tried to run to Bobby for help; that being the last time Dean ever disobeyed his father. 

Dean started thrashing in his sleep as he found himself in the dark. There was no sound, no movement, no light. There was just the feeling of utter abandonment and loneliness so acute it brought Dean to his knees. Given a choice, Dean would always pick pain and even abuse over this dreaded feeling of emptiness, the feeling of being unwanted and unloved. 

Then Dean’s shoulder screamed in pain, his hands and wrists shredded from the chains stretching him out as the darkness transformed into red and Alistair smiled at him. “Dean, Dean, Dean. Shall we begin?” 

“No!” Dean screamed as he bolted upright in bed shaking and sweating from the nightmare. 

Dean heard a quiet chuckle and whipped his head around to see Sam sitting up in his bed glaring at Dean with disgust and pity in his stare. “You woke me up Dean. Let me guess, another nightmare? How predictable.” Sam sneered. 

“Sam, I’m sorry I woke you.” Dean said confused at the harsh tone Sam was using.

“You’re sorry. You’re always sorry, Dean. Of course it’s always after the fact that you’re full of apologies, after you’ve gone off half cocked, without thinking things through because let’s face it Dean, thinking is not really your strong suit.”

“What? Sam, what are you, why are you saying this?” Dean stuttered out in confusion.

“Let’s face it Dean. I’m a better hunter than you could ever hope to be. You hold me back. You go around creating mess after mess and then it’s all boo-hoo. Being daddy’s blunt little instrument is all you're good at Dean. You can’t think for yourself. You can’t do research. All you can do is kill.” Sam said laughing harshly. 

Dean flinched at the cruel words, and Dean pinched his arm to make sure he wasn’t still dreaming. Dean knew deep down everything Sam was saying was true, the familiar words having been said in a variety of ways over the years. 

Sam sat up swinging his legs to the floor and leaning close to Dean. “You're weak Dean. You were weak before you went to hell and you were even worse when you came out. Your incompetence and overbearing protectiveness is what drew me to Ruby. I didn't choose her as much as I ran away from your clingy needy self.” Sam said smirking at the hurt that flashed across Dean’s face as Sam’s words sunk in. 

“No, Sam, you can’t mean, you don’t…” Dean tried to say, his voice sounding as weak as Sam accused him of being as tears come to his eyes and Dean shook his head in denial. 

Sam chuckled darkly again his eyes intent and boring into Dean’s as he stood up sneering down at Dean. “You know heaven wasn't manipulated by Zachariah. I asked Cas about it.”

“What?” Dean said in confusion at the abrupt change in topic. Dean’s heart starting racing and he felt beads of sweat pop up on his forehead at the memory of heaven. Dean never really allowed himself think about that as it was too painful. 

“Everything you saw was real. My best memories were when I was away from you, and mom. Well that, that was what she really felt. And she was right.” Sam said reaching down and yanking Dean out of his bed. 

“Everyone leaves you Dean.” Sam sneered his breath hot against Dean’s face as Dean struggled to pull away. “Everyone leaves you because your poison. Mom had the luxury of not having to be by your side watching as you destroyed my life, dad’s life, Cas’ life, hell the world. How you got all our friends killed and failed again and again, but she still had your number.” Sam grinned as Dean’s eyes widened in dismay. 

Dean pulled himself away from Sam, backing away, but Sam followed. “You know, I kept trying to get away from you but you always drug me back, kept getting me killed and hurt and possessed. You were the worst big brother. I hated you then but that is nothing compared to what I feel for you now.” Sam jeered enjoying the pain his words were causing Dean. 

Dean shook his head in denial. “You don’t mean that Sam.” 

“Oh I mean it Dean. God you are so stupid to not have figured out how I really felt about you this whole time.” Sam pushed Dean’s chest hard enough to bruise. “I mean I outright told you I didn’t want to be your brother and it still took me beating you up to get you to leave. Not the brightest bulb Dean.” Sam tsked at Dean.

“And you know what Dean, I know all about you and Dad, how you seduced him, made it so Dad and I were always fighting in a pathetic attempt to keep Dad to yourself. Sam sneered each statement accompanied by another push until Dean found himself pinned against the wall. “But here’s the thing, yellow eyes was right when he said we didn't need you, we never needed you.” 

Sam smiled wide at Dean’s gasp of pain as Dean almost visibly shrunk before him with the weight of his words. 

“Want to know a secret?” Sam asked his smile widening even further, causing his dimples to pop out and his eyes flash in delight. 

Dean just shook his head no his entire body shaking with the words Sam was spewing at him. 

“I was happy after you went to hell. I was finally free to do my own thing, not held back by your fear and stupidity. But oh no, you had to come back more messed up, more pathetic. And that year I hunted with the Campbell’s was liberating. Until of course I had to save your ass and in the process got stuck with you again. Then you went to purgatory and I could finally breathe. I was so relieved and happy, but like a cockroach you came back and once again destroyed the world I built for myself, a world without you.” Sam pushed Dean into the wall with another violent push. 

Dean was dumbstruck. His mind spinning with all the hateful words Sam was saying at him, but Dean knew deep down everything Sam was saying was right. 

“I get it Sam you think I’m weak. I only do the sacrificing if I’m not getting hurt. We’ve been over this.” Dean said tiredly, his mind and body trembling with hurt and fatigue. 

“Yeah but here’s the thing Dean.” Sam said conversationally like he was not ripping Dean apart with his words as he once again pushed Dean violently into the wall pushing his face right up to Dean’s. “It doesn’t matter how many times I say it, how many times you screw up and get people killed, how many times you stand by and let me be hurt over and over, you just keep doing the same thing all because you don’t want to be alone.” 

“Let’s face it Dean.” Sam sneered. “Cas never should have rescued you from hell. Hell is where you belong. You know it. I know it. Cas knows it. Even mom knew it.” Sam stated as he stepped back with a satisfied smile. 

"No!" Dean cried out, turning to hide his tears, but then Dean looked down at the Mark blazing red and burning like hell fire, and rage started to build inside Dean. Without even trying Dean found his blade in his hands. 

Fuck Sam and his cruel words. He never deserved anything Dean did for him. All the sacrifices Dean made for him, going hungry, making sure Dad's attention stayed only on Dean. “Seduced him my ass.” Dean shuddered in disgust thinking about John's hands on Dean, his cock slamming into him. All the beatings, the rapes, all the times he was kneeling in the dirt or being slammed against brick walls in dirty alleys in an effort to get enough money for all the things Sam needed. Sam always looking down on Dean, making him feel stupid, blaming Dean for all Sam's bad choices. All the torture inflicted upon Dean in hell. “You’re certainly willing to do the sacrificing as long as you’re not the one being hurt.” Dean scoffed the statement was so ridiculous. Dean was always being hurt. 

The nightmare came back to Dean and all those emotions slammed into him, and all the rage, all the hurt, all the betrayal build up like a volcano inside Dean. The Mark sizzled on his arm and then when Dean felt like he was going to explode from the pulsing red heat suddenly there was just calm. Beautiful, peaceful calm and a laser point path laid out so clearly for Dean he was unable to resist its calling. 

So Dean pushed Sam back and as Sam continued to mock and laugh about how Dean was too weak to do anything and to just stop with the theatrics, Dean raised his Blade and sliced it across Sam's throat so deeply he almost decapitated him. 

Dean’s felt an orgasmic like ecstasy explode within him as the Mark sent pulses of pleasure and approval. It was a feeling like nothing Dean had ever felt before, and he wanted more. Dean never wanted this feeling to end. 

Dean had fulfilled the destiny of the Mark by killing his brother and Dean felt better than he ever had in his entire life, better than he could ever imagine feeling. 

Dean smiled wide as he watched Sam fall back on the bed as he bled out within seconds, blood sprayed across the wall and the bed, splatters feeling hot against Dean’s skin. 

Dean smiled down at Sam as the ecstasy flooded through him. 

Then Dean blinked and frowned as he looked into Sam’s dead eyes, accusation and shock frozen on Sam’s face. 

Dean stared down at Sam as his euphoria transformed into confusion.

Confusion quickly morphed into horror. 

Horror changed to an all consuming loss that penetrated Dean's soul obliterating any feelings of pleasure and power.

And then Dean started screaming. “NOOOOO!.”

Dean jerked himself awake the scream of no still pouring from his mouth, his brain and body seized in horror. 

“No, no, no, no, no.” Dean chanted as he whipped his head around to see Sam on the bed next to Dean, splayed out on his stomach, clutching the pillow under his head and snoring softly. 

Dean was panting as he tried to untangle his mind from the nightmare or nightmares, but the second one felt like more of a vision or a premonition and Dean felt pure terror spike through him. 

“I have to get out of here.” Dean thought. “I need to get away from Sam before I hurt him.” 

Dean frantically but quietly gathered all his stuff and bolted out of the room, trying to get as far away from Sam as possible in as short amount of a time, shaken to the core with the feelings of pleasure he felt after killing Sam in his dream. Dean sprinted to the car and took off the horror, pain, terror and guilt still wrapped around him. 

Sam woke up to the Impala rumbling to life and squealing out of the parking out. Sam sighed but wasn't too concerned. He would catch up with Dean. Sam wasn’t stupid, before he came into the room he attached a GPS tracker to the Impala in case Dean decided to take off on him again. Sam was not going to spend another seven weeks trying to find Dean. So Sam got up and dressed, pulled out his computer and sat down to figure out where Dean would end up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for violence and gore, references to child abuse, child sexual abuse and prostitution.
> 
> Basically Dean has nightmares where he re-experiences trauma from his childhood and then an evil Sam tortures Dean with his fears and self hate to try to show Dean how good it would be if he let the Mark take control.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Thanks again for the comments and kudos. I know I sound like a broken record, but it really makes my day when I see them. 
> 
> Nothing too triggering in this chapter. See end for notes.

Dean was sitting on the hood of the Impala drinking from a bottle of whiskey. He was parked at an abandoned building with the Impala pulled behind the structure to hide him from the road. 

The shaking had finally stopped with the help of the whisky and Dean’s distance from Sam, but Dean kept seeing himself kill Sammy over and over in his mind. 

“Squirrel?” Crowley asked, and Dean just looked up nonplussed at Crowley’s sudden appearance, having become so used to Crowley popping in and out that it no longer fazed him. 

“Mmm.” Dean just mumbled taking another swig from the bottle. 

“What happened?” Crowley asked. “Did you have a problem with the Vetalas?” 

Dean just snorted. “Yeah you could say so, Sam showed up. Great job on hiding me.” Dean said sarcastically saluting Crowley with the bottle while taking another swig, failing to notice the unsurprised look on Crowley’s face. 

“Oh well.” Crowley just shrugged. “It was bound to happen. So, how’d it go. Did you and Sam talk? 

Dean chuckled darkly rubbing his hand across the back of his neck. 

“How do you think it went Crowley. Not. Good.” Dean spat out taking another drink. 

“Bloody hell.” Crowley muttered to himself. “Well did you even try?” 

“Yes Crowley, I asked him what he needed me to do and he refused to spit it and I went to bed, end of story.” Dean sneered; pausing a moment wondering if he should confide in Crowley about the dreams. 

“And…” Crowley prompted.

“And nothing, things got hairy with the Mark so I booked it. Sam’s safer away from me.” Dean muttered looking down again. 

Crowley swore to himself. He knew Sam had tracked down Dean and he purposefully didn’t hide Dean from Sam because Crowley was worried. Yes he has enjoyed having Dean to himself lately, slowly trying to push their relationship in the direction he wanted so that when that hell bitch was finally dead Crowley would have his reward, and a beautiful reward Dean would be. 

But Crowley was a thinker and a planner, and he recognized the fact that Dean was out of control, and so far Crowley hadn’t been able to rein him in. Crowley had let Sam find Dean in the hopes that Sam could do something about Dean’s new way of hunting and maybe show Dean that things weren’t as bleak as he thought. 

“Squirrel?” Crowley said softly, knowing he was pushing limits here. “Maybe you should try to talk to Sam again, maybe the time apart…” 

“No!” Dean stated emphatically, again shuddering as Sam's dead eyes flashed before him. 

Crowley figured he pushed that envelope enough for right now so he tried a different tactic. 

“Okay, well.” Crowley rocked back on his heels a bit with his hands in his pockets, looking at Dean who frowned a bit at Crowley's hesitation. “I found Castiel.” 

“What?” Dean exclaimed snapping his eyes to Crowley’s, and Crowley saw hope, pain, fear and then sorrow flash in Dean's eyes before he got control of himself and pulled down his mask. 

Crowley actually growled a little bit before he could stop himself at the reaction just Castiel's name caused in Dean, that perplexing jealously rising again. Crowley quickly hid his reaction and explained. 

“Well, I found out where the Angel base is and feathers is definitely there.” Crowley waited a minute but Dean just continued to stare at him without saying anything. 

“Soo, how about I snap you over there, you can have a nice chat with feathers, get caught up, see if he can help?” Crowley hedged. 

“Seriously.” Dean scoffed. “You actually want me to talk to Cas? Well, no thanks. All that would accomplish is a literal door being slammed in my face so I’ll pass.” 

“But Squirrel..” Crowley started again stopping when Dean snapped out. “I said I'll pass Crowley. And what's with you anyway. Why are you going all Dr. Phil all of a sudden.” Dean asked squinting at Crowley with suspicion. 

Crowley snorted in amusement because Dean was right this was totally out of character for Crowley. It was sickening the way Dean made him feel so human sometimes. 

“Fine, I'll drop it.” Crowley said putting his hands up in surrender. “Just trying to help.” And Crowley laughed at the look of disbelief on Dean's face. 

Dean didn’t understand what game Crowley was playing here. He knew Crowley was thrilled Dean was no longer talking to Cas or vise versa. Dean snorted to himself since Dean would give just about anything to see Cas again, hear the familiar “Hello Dean” and get lost in those blue eyes, but that was never going to happen. Dean mentally slapped himself. Christ if that wasn't a chick flick moment. 

Still the hurt that Dean buried down to get through the last few weeks was crawling its way back up, first with Sam asking about Cas and now Crowley pushing Dean to go and talk to him. I mean what the hell. Cas made his feelings very clear and Dean was not opening himself up to any of that ever again. Plus Cas was just as better off away from him as Sam was. Dean was poison, and now he was dangerous and losing control. No way was Dean going to pull either of them back into his orbit. 

“So is that all you wanted Crowley, cause I would like to lie here and get drunk, and then I have a demon to catch and interrogate.” Dean said. 

“Well no that's not actually why I'm here. I have some news, and we need to talk about things since you won’t talk to Sam and won’t even entertain trying to talk to Castiel.” Crowley said determined to put his foot down once and for all with Dean. 

Dean wearily looked at Crowley. “Okay hit me. I take it it’s not good news? 

“Well a little of both.” Crowley responded. “Good news, Abaddon has surfaced from whatever hole she was lying low in.” 

At hearing that Dean sat up from the car, his eyes flashing with a blood lust that Crowley definitely liked seeing. 

“But the bad news.” Crowley continued before Dean could ask where she was. “She apparently has put a bounty out on both of us.” 

“A bounty.” Dean laughed. “Well it’s the apocalypse all over again, every demon gunning for me.” Dean snarked raising his bottle in salute then taking a long swallow. “I guess we should feel honored.” Dean said smirking at Crowley. 

“Well you should feel honored Squirrel since the bounty on you is alive at all costs or face very dire consequences, while mine is dead at all costs.” Crowley stated his hands fisting inside the pockets of his coat in anger. 

“What!” Dean exclaimed in disbelief, again snapping his eyes to Crowley. They looked at each other for a few seconds trying to figure out what that meant.

“ What the hell Crowley?” Dean yelled while a feeling of dread crept up his spine. “Well I guess she's taking the whole torture me for chopping her up seriously.” Dean stated while knowing it wasn't as simple as that. 

“I don’t know squirrel. I haven’t been able to get any more information yet. Now that she is topside my contacts have suddenly stopped answering their phone.” Crowley growled in frustration. 

“Dammit Crowley! That’s not good enough.” Dean yelled. 

Crowley just raised an eyebrow and gave Dean a duh look. 

“Crowley you need to figure out what is going on.” Dean ordered clearly frustrated with the lack of information. 

“You know.” Crowley said getting angry himself now. “It probably has something to do with the fact that you fucked her brains out so don’t be getting mad at me.” Crowley spat out grinding his teeth in anger. 

Dean just scoffed at that, like it was the most ridiculous thing Crowley could say causing Crowley to roll his eyes at once again how clueless Dean could be sometimes. 

Dean sat back on the car his anger quickly dissipating. “Fuck my life.” He said shaking his head again and taking another swig. “It must have something to do with the Mark. I mean she finds out about it, disappears and now she wants me alive. I don’t get it.” Dean muttered. 

“But hey what the hell. She can bring it. Either way we fight and that's what we want, right? Dean said perking up a bit at that thought because no matter how it happened Dean just needed to fight Abaddon.

Crowley nodded slowly because yes he wants nothing more than for Dean to kill Abaddon, but Crowley's a little nervous. He feels uncomfortable when he doesn't know all the moves in play and he knows in his bones that whatever Abaddon has planned is not going to be good. 

Taking the opening, Crowley cleared his throat uncomfortably and said. “Look Squirrel we need to talk about this new Dean Winchester way of hunting, and um, you’re drinking.” Crowley added. 

Dean just looked back at him, getting a defensive look across his face. “What about it Crowley? If I want to hunt that way then I'll hunt that way. It’s not hurting anyone and I’m getting results.” Dean stated calmly as if what he said made perfect sense. 

“It’s not hurting anyone? Crowley said in disbelief. “It’s not hurting anyone?” He repeated again at a louder volume. “It bloody well is hurting someone. You!” Crowley shouted actively having to restrain himself from grabbing Dean and shaking some sense into him. 

“I stood back and let you do your thing, your incredibly stupid thing I might add, but it’s different now. There’s a bounty on our heads and you the walking wounded 24/7 is no longer okay.” Crowley flung a hand out to stop Dean from talking until he was finished. 

“I don’t care that you are healing faster and faster now. You’re still hurt. All. The. Time!” Crowley once again yelled. “And you’re drunk most of the time too.” Crowley added waving his hand up and down at Dean sitting there slowly getting drunk as if to prove his point.

Dean just stared at Crowley not commenting, still with the stubborn look on his face. 

“Look.” Crowley said in a softer somewhat cajoling tone. “Will you just stop for now, heal up, get ready for the big battle because things are shaking up and we need you at 100%.” 

Still not getting a response from Dean, Crowley kicked it up a notch. “Dean, you don’t want to lose out on another chance at her because your too injured to give it your best shot right? Right, Dean?” 

Crowley waited for Dean to say something with bated breath knowing he took a risk in bringing that up as it would either enrage Dean or knock some sense into him. 

“Squirrel?” Crowley inquired again when Dean still hadn’t said anything. 

Dean finally sighed and snapped out a “Fine, I guess your right.” A little too quickly for Crowley’s liking, but he would take what he could get right now. 

“Okay.” Crowley said relieved that had gone better than he imagined. Crowley could never tell how Dean was going to react lately, the Mark causing Dean’s emotion to bounce all over the place. 

“So what’s next?” Crowley asked. “You said something about a demon?” 

“Yeah.” Dean replied feeling the blood lust rising thinking about how he was going to get the demon to talk.

“I found out where an Aba-demon is hiding out so I’m going to go have a chat with him in a little while. Maybe now I’ll actually get some decent intel on where she's at.” Dean said sounding hopeful. 

Crowley snorted a laugh at Dean's term Aba-demon. “Really Squirrel? Aba-demon?” Dean just smirked. 

“Well sounds like a plan.” Crowley said. “I'll keep trying to figure out what she is up to in the meantime.” And then Crowley grabbed the bottle of whiskey out of Dean’s hand and snapped out. 

“Son of a bitch!” Dean yelled. “Friggin sneaky bastard.” 

But instead of getting up to get more liquor Dean just leaned back staring at the sky trying to piece together everything that happened tonight and what Crowley just told him might mean. Dean was worried and a little bit scared he admitted to himself. He couldn't figure out why Abaddon would want him alive, and Dean shivered because he knew deep down that it meant something really bad for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only triggers are a brief mention of past non-con and dismemberment. Implied alcoholism and self injurious behavior.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some questions are answered in this chapter. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine. Not Beta'd.

Crowley left Dean and reappeared on the side of the building pulling Sam back just as he started to walk toward the Impala, having been aware that Sam had been standing there listening to their conversation.

Sam had quickly caught up with Dean once he stopped driving and not wanting to alert Dean to his presence Sam parked a couple of blocks away and walked over to him. He was just going to approach Dean when Crowley popped in so Sam stayed in the shadows and listened. 

Sam almost gave himself away at his laugh when he heard Dean call the demon an Aba-demon, smiling fondly at the way Dean always tries to create these combined names or how he nicknames everyone. 

As Sam stood there listening, he tried to piece together and make sense of everything he heard Crowley and Dean talking about. Again, the mention of Cas slamming a door on Dean made no sense, and this talk about a new way of hunting, healing faster, the bounty, and what the actual hell, Dean fucking Abaddon! 

Sam’s head was spinning, but as soon as he went to step out from his hiding place to talk to Dean, Sam felt a tug on his arm. Then before he could even blink, Sam found himself in a booth in a restaurant sitting across from Crowley. 

“What the hell Crowley!” Sam yelled. “Bring me back to Dean right now.” 

“Just calm down Moose.” Crowley said pushing a cup of coffee toward Sam. “I’m sure you'll have no problem finding him again, but first we need to talk.” 

Sam was torn between thrusting Ruby's knife into Crowley's chest or sitting back and getting some answers. He knew he couldn't trust anything that Crowley said, but even though Sam hated to admit it, Crowley seemed to care about Dean, more than would be expected from just what Dean could do for him so Sam decided to listen. 

“GPS on the Impala?” Crowley asked smirking. “Smart.” 

“Crowley just get on with it. What do we have to talk about?” Sam ground out.

Crowley just sighed. “Your brother is out of control, and as much as it pains me to have to involve you, I need some help in taking care of him.” 

“Crowley.” Sam snarled out feeling that familiar anger rise at the way Crowley phrased that, like Sam is some outsider and Dean is Crowley's. “Dean is MY brother. I take care of him, not you. Dean does not belong to you Crowley no matter what you may think.” 

Crowley just smirked again refusing to rise to the bait. “Dean is my responsibility.” Crowley stated calmly, shocking Sam and before Sam could argue Crowley just continued. 

“The fact of the matter is, you turned your back on Dean when he needed you the most. You ignored him, betrayed him and crushed him; you and that feather duster of yours. And I.” Crowley's voice got very low and threatening, reminding Sam how dangerous he can be. “I have been there. This isn't about you making yourself feel better by trying to make things right with you and Dean. This is about saving his life and stopping Abaddon from bringing hell on earth.” 

Crowley took a deep breath and continued in a calmer tone of voice. “Squirrel won't listen to me. I know he agreed back there, but it was too quick, and I know your brother, he's not going to stop.” 

“So Moose put your petty jealously aside and listen.” Crowley said slapping his hand on the table for emphasis making Sam jump a bit. 

“Abaddon is back in play after disappearing for a while and Dean needs to be 100% and focused. He is the only one who can destroy her for good, but it’s gone beyond that now. I'm afraid this obsession she has for your brother has turned into something worse.” 

Sam frowned in confusion at that statement, but Crowley didn't elaborate any further. “None of this is making any sense to me.” Sam confessed, ashamed that he knew so little about what was going on with Dean. 

“Sam your brother has been dealing with the Mark trying to take over I guess for lack of a better explanation. It is pushing him in a way that's hard to explain.” Crowley tapped his finger against his chin for a moment thinking and then looked at Sam. “Remember the way you felt when you were hooked on the demon blood?” 

Sam just nodded, hating to think about that period of his life. 

“Okay well amplify that by I don't know, thousands, hell maybe even millions, and that is what Dean has been fighting ever since the Blade and the Mark were united, but instead of blood being craved, it’s making Dean crave violence and blood spilled.” Crowley finished leaning back in his seat satisfied he was getting through to Sam judging by the look on Sam’s face and how he pale he became. 

“No.” Sam shook his head in denial. “There is no way Crowley. I would have seen it.” Sam said all the while knowing it was a lie. Sam barely ever even looked at his brother since Gadreel the few times they shared the same space, and now Sam thought back on it there were times Dean had tried to talk to him about something. Guilt rushed through Sam realizing that he put his anger first and told Dean to go away. 

Sam still felt he had every right to feel angry and betrayed at what Dean did, but he realized now he took it too far, hurting Dean in ways he isn’t sure he can make up to him. And now, hearing Crowley of all people reprimand Sam for leaving his brother alone to deal with something this huge and potentially life altering is like a giant slap in the face. 

In looking back now, Sam could see now that there were changes in the way Dean hunted, the faster reflexes, the being more quick to kill, the more strength despite the fact that Sam was pretty sure Dean had been barely eating and was drinking himself to sleep most nights. 

Now, after everything Dean had done for him, Sam once again turned his back on Dean when Dean needed him, and Sam had hurt him over and over in the name of revenge. Sam felt like throwing up. Instead he just looked at Crowley waiting for him to continue. 

Crowley sighed again. “The Mark is changing your brother Sam. He heals faster, he's stronger, but it's hurting him too, and he's losing his battle to hold onto himself and not let the Mark take over. To top it off, this bloody ridiculous "Dean Winchester way of hunting.” Crowley sneered using air quotes, so Cas-like that Sam snorted slightly causing Crowley to give him the stink eye before repeating. ” This new way your brother has started hunting is making everything much worse; much, much worse.” Crowley said sounding genuinely worried now.

“Crowley please explain to me what this new way of hunting is you keep referring to, because I have no clue. And while we are at it.” Sam said in an accusing tone. “Why don't you tell me why Dean has so many injuries.” 

Crowley snorts at that. “It's all related Moose.” Crowley took a sip of his coffee and went on to explain. “Your bloody self hating, self sacrificing fool of a brother is finding the largest group of monsters he can, making sure they’re gathered all together and then is walking right into the middle of them with his only weapon the Blade, sheathed I must add, and lets them attack him.” 

“What!” Sam exclaimed horrified at all the things that could have happened to Dean. “How, what, I don't understand, how he is still alive?” Sam stuttered out his mind reeling at this information.

“Well.” Crowley says. “The monsters attack and just before Dean is killed or when there has been enough pain, I'm not really clear on that, the Mark takes over and everybody dies.” 

Sam is just staring at Crowley still not able to wrap his head around what he is saying. “I don't understand the Mark takes over?” 

“Well, if you listened to your brother all the times he tried to talk to you.” Crowley sneered again. “You would understand.” 

Crowley took another deep breath, snapping a glass of whiskey into his hand. “The Mark is protecting your brother, but everytime it takes control Dean loses more of himself to it.” 

“But why he is doing this?” Sam asked his voice shaky. 

Crowley shrugs. “Dean claims he wants to find out the limits of what he can do with the Mark before he takes on Abaddon, but that’s just an excuse. I don't know if Squirrel goes into those hunts hoping he'll be killed before the Mark takes over or if he just wants to be punished knowing the Mark will save him. I don't know, but its self destructive and reckless, and I'm tired of seeing him hurt himself like this.” Crowley shouted his voice rising and red creeping into this eyes. 

Sam's face lost all color as he listened to Crowley's theories because he knows he's right. Dean either wants to die or wants to feel as much pain as possible because Dean thinks he deserves it, deserves to be punished for hurting Sam and for Kevin and everyone else's death that Dean took as his fault even though most were not. 

Sam knows how little Dean thinks of himself and how every friend or ally or innocent that dies Dean takes all the blame and guilt onto himself. Hell Osirus zooming in on Dean so quickly was proof. 

Sam feels such shame as he realizes what he did when he disowned Dean, because Dean has never turned his back on Sam. No matter how many times Sam walked away, choose every who, what or where over him, or told Dean he was going to leave him, Dean stayed. 

No matter how many times Sam screwed up, Dean stood by him, never giving up. Hell if Dean hadn't shown up at Stull Cemetery the world would have ended because Sam wouldn't have been able to get control back from Lucifer if it wasn't for Dean's love. “I'm not gonna leave you.” Sam remembers tears once again springing to his eyes, his chest squeezing tightly. “Oh Dean, what have I done to you?” Sam whispered. 

And then Sam thinks back to when he told Dean he wouldn't save him. Now that the anger is mostly gone, Sam finally understands how Dean might have taken that. How Dean must have felt hearing that when not even a year earlier he had left Dean to rot in purgatory. 

And Sam telling him Dean leave, beating him up and... “Oh god.” Sam thinks, grabbing his stomach feeling the bile rise up in his throat with the need to hurl. Sam swallowed it down. He doesn’t have time for that right now. Sam needs to be strong now so he can help Dean. 

Sam looked at Crowley with a determined look on his face and asked. “What do you need me to do? “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teaser: We will see Cas again in the next couple of chapters and more questions will be answered.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got another short chapter for you guys tonight

Dean's parked on a dirt road looking down studying the home sitting nestled against the forest at the bottom of a small valley. It’s a quaint, small log cabin with a huge front lawn, a wrap-around porch with a few rocking chairs. 

Dean, seeing nothing concerning started to mentally prepare himself to go down and make the demon who is squatting in the house give him Abaddon's location so he can finally gank the bitch and be done with everything. 

Dean knows he's losing his battle against the Mark, especially after that horrifying dream about Sam, and Dean visibly shuttered at the memory. This needs to end before Dean hurts anyone, or anyone else Dean snorts to himself, but most especially before Dean hurts Sam or Cas. 

So Dean is going to use all the tricks Alistair taught him if it comes to that, and Dean will get some answers tonight. And then Dean will be onto his last hoorah, killing Abaddon and hopefully get himself killed in the process. 

Just as Dean is exiting the Impala he sees headlights and a car pulls up and parks behind the Impala. “Just fucking great.” Dean thinks as he watches Sam exit the car. “That little fucker must have put a tracking device on the Impala.” Dean figured given how quickly Sam found Dean. 

“What do you want Sam?” Dean snarled as Sam walked up to him his hands out in a come in peace gesture. 

“Dean, hey, I just want to talk okay.” Sam said softly. 

Dean just stared at Sam not displaying any emotion. His face was a blank slate except for cold hard eyes. Sam swallowed and stepped closer Dean. “Can we just talk, go somewhere and talk?” Sam asked turning on the puppy dog eyes. 

“I'm busy right now Sam.” Dean said turning and closing the car door, his tone softening a little. Dean went to the trunk to get his green bag full of "tools" he plans to use on the demon. 

“What are you hunting?” Sam asked watching Dean get supplies together. Sam knew Dean was staking out a demon from the conversation he overhead, but he didn't want to tip his hand so played dumb. 

“Not a good time Sam.” Dean repeated. “You need to leave.” 

Sam just stood there waiting and watched as resignation filled Dean's gaze. 

“Fine.” Dean spat out. “I have a demon to interrogate. You can stay here and keep watch.” 

“Is there really only one demon Dean?” Sam questioned, crossing his arms. “Or is this like the Vetala's again?” 

Dean rolled his eyes at the reminder and then sighed. “It's just one Sam, but I need to get some answers and I need to do it alone.” Dean said looking up at Sam hoping he wouldn't make Dean spell out what he planned to do. Dean knew he wouldn’t be able to do what he wanted if Sam was watching. 

Thankfully Sam understood what Dean was implying and agreed. “Fine.” Sam said. “But any hint of things going sideways and I coming down, and then when your done, we are going to talk, right, no running off again?” 

“Fine.” Dean reluctantly agreed, albeit looking anything but happy at the prospect of talking. 

Sam felt his stomach sink when he understood what Dean was planning on doing. Thinking back to what Crowley said this was more proof that Dean was not himself. Dean hated that he had tortured souls and aside from that one demon in Jeffrey he always found excuses to not go down that road. 

Sam hoped after this that he could sit Dean down and explain how he didn’t mean the things he said and hopes that Dean will let Sam help him now, and that it’s not too late. 

So Sam situated himself to where he had the best view of the house and watched as Dean climbed down the embankment and after Dean looked for anything out of the ordinary he started to cross the large lawn to get to the house. 

Sam saw Dean stop and tense slowly scanning the area like he heard something or felt something, clutching at his right arm a few times. 

Sam looked around but didn't see anything strange that would cause that reaction in Dean. 

Dean just shrugged, pulled the Blade out and continued toward house, his movements more cautious. 

Sam again noting nothing weird was thinking that Dean was getting a little paranoid when all of a sudden a bunch of demons suddenly appearing surrounding Dean. 

"Crap." Sam said, fumbling for a bit in his haste to pull out the knife preparing to run down and help Dean, when swoosh Sam was slammed against a nearby tree, pinned by power. All Sam could do was watch helplessly while the demons attacked Dean. 

Sam gasped as he watched how Dean was fighting. It was beautiful and it was such a wrong word with all the blood and demons flickering as they died, but it was the first thing Sam thought of. Dean flowed effortlessly around, almost dancing in his moves, slashing and stabbing mesmerizing Sam momentarily. Then Sam realized that every time Dean killed one, another demon took its place. 

Sam watched in horror as Abaddon sauntered over keeping back from the battle. Dean too engaged in fighting off the never ending demon attacks had failed to notice her. 

Sam swallowed hard at the look on Abaddon's face as she watched Dean fight. The look of raw all consuming lust and possessiveness sent waves of fear and wrongness through Sam. Not even Crowley looked at Dean like that and it was terrifying. 

Abaddon tore her gaze away from Dean, looked up at Sam and winked. Sam frowned in confusion as Abaddon took a knife, sliced open her palm, bent down and slammed it into the grass causing a large sigil to shoot up in flames before flickering out leaving a black soot outline. The sigil surrounded where the demons were attacking Dean. 

Sam struggled against his bonds while he watched as Dean's body jerked and a bright red light shot out of the Mark on Dean's arm, visible even to where Sam was. Dean's body then froze for 30 seconds or so causing the Blade to fall out of Dean's hands to the ground.  


It looked like Dean was just starting to get control of his body again when Abaddon calmly stepped up to Dean and plunged a needle in his neck. Two burly demons caught Dean before he fell to the ground unconsciousness from whatever Abaddon injected him with. They were holding Dean up by his arms on either side of Dean. 

Abaddon lifted Dean's head up, cupped Dean's jaw and leaned in and slowly kissed Dean. 

"Stay away from him." Sam yelled. 

Abaddon just ignored him as she ran her hand through Dean's hair and then stepped back and waved at the demons, who promptly disappeared with Dean. 

"Noooo!" Sam cried out. 

Abaddon looked up at him again and laughed. She picked up the Blade, twirled it around in her hands and in a blink was standing in front of Sam, who was still held immobile by her power.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm evil leaving you with a cliffhanger. See ya next week.
> 
> Trigger: Suicidal thoughts.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all had a good week. 
> 
> Nothing really triggering in this chapter. 
> 
> Not beta'd. All mistakes are mine.

“Hi Sam.” Abaddon smirked, still twirling the First Blade in her hands. “Gotta say I’m surprised to see you here.” 

“Where’s Dean?” Sam demanded. “What did you do to him?” 

“Oh that.” Abaddon waved dismissively. “Just a little trap and enough tranquilizer to take down a horse. I actually wasn’t sure it would be enough.” Abaddon laughed gleefully. 

“What was that sigil for?” Sam asked seeing as how Abaddon seemed to be following the pattern of all the big bads by pontificating about her plans. 

“Just a little something to separate Dean from the blade and give me a chance to knock him out.” Abaddon smiled again, tapping the blade on Sam’s chest. “You know it would have been suicide for me to engage Dean in a fight while he had the Blade. It took some research, but I finally came up with a way.” Abaddon smiled. 

“So you're afraid of Dean.” Sam smirked and then gasped a little as the pressure on his chest increased at the dig. “That seems like a lot of trouble to go to just kill Dean.” 

“Kill Dean.” Abaddon laughed again. “On now Sammy boy, I’m not going to kill Dean. I know you’re a little out of the loop as far as what’s going on with Dean.” Abaddon smirked again at the look on Sam’s face. 

“But there was always something about your brother, something between Dean and I.” Abaddon said as she paced back and forth in front of Sam playing with the Blade. 

“And that was before he got the Mark.” Abaddon stopped her face lighting up in happiness. “That was the absolute best thing that could have happened, especially after our night of passion.” Abaddon purred, eyes glazed a bit while she remembered. 

Sam squinted at her in confusion. Crowley had never gotten around to explaining that. 

“Ohh you didn’t know about that. Well no matter. Dean and I belong together. It was all fate. My following Henry to this time to find Dean; Dean putting me back together; Dean getting the Mark; the passion; the connection between us. It's destiny.” Abaddon stated her voice strong with conviction. 

Abaddon sounded so sure of herself that Sam realized she truly believed her delusions. You're nuts.” Sam said. “Dean hates you. He wants you dead. You're twisting everything that happened.” Sam spat out, but Sam's words had no effect on Abaddon. 

“Oh we’ll see.” Abaddon said, with a grin, dismissing Sam’s words. 

“So what now? Kill me?” Sam asked cringing as his voice shook a bit. 

Abaddon just laughed again patting his cheek like he was a small child. “Oh no Sam. I’m not going to kill you. I’m too thankful to you.” Abaddon said with a wide smile. 

“What?” Sam exclaimed in shock. That was the last thing he expected to hear from her. 

“Ok Sam. I’ll give you a little history lesson. You see” Abaddon explained. “After receiving the Mark and the Blade and doing Lucifer’s bidding, Cain started to feel guilty about what he was doing until it became too much for him to bear. So Cain, rather than continuing to be a pawn of Lucifer’s, killed himself with the Blade. But the Mark didn’t let go, and Cain became a demon.” Abaddon said stepping back a little to stare at Sam in order to watch the horror that crossed Sam’s face as he realized what that implied, and she chuckled darkly.

“So what are you saying?” Sam whispered. “Dean will become a demon when he dies?” Thoughts were swirling through Sam’s brain because now that Abaddon had Dean killing him would be a piece of cake for her. 

“Probably.” Abaddon said. “But don’t worry, Sammy. That’s not my plan." And Abaddon smirked at the confusion on Sam’s face. 

"I don’t want a mindless demon running around, Knight of Hell or not.” Abaddon said again snickering at Sam’s gasp as the final piece fell into place for him. Dean would not just be a demon he would become a Knight. 

“No. I want Dean as Dean. He’s too perfect to lose that." Abaddon smiled but then frowned. "I’m not exactly sure that he will not be the same, but hey why take chances?” Abaddon flipped her hair back and smirked. “But.. I do need him to become a Knight so I’m going to make sure Dean becomes to a Knight without dying.” 

Abaddon clapped her hands in glee. “It’s so perfect Sammy, and I have you to thank for saving me so much time, cause I have never had much patience.” 

“What are you talking about Abaddon?” Sam demanded feeling like he was going to hurl at everything she was saying. 

“You Sammy boy.” Abaddon said again patting his cheek with the Blade. “You saved me decades of time. Hell Dean is so close to changing now it won’t take much effort to push him over the edge. You see Sam, it’s when the soul becomes so mangled from pain, so twisted from all the torture and all the horrific things that happen in hell, that’s when a demon is born.” 

Abaddon smiled again pinching Sam’s cheek. “And you Sam. Well, you managed to take Dean’s already broken soul, break it apart, shatter it in pieces and then…” She said a huge smile across her face. “And then Sam, you gathered up all those pieces and stomped on them.” 

Sam felt the blood draining from his face in dismay as he shook his head in denial. “No, no, you're wrong!” Sam said desperately. 

“Please Sam. You know I’m right. You caused more harm to Dean’s soul in the last year than the whole 40 years he was in hell.” Abaddon smiled again at Sam’s expression. 

“You see, even though Dean was in hell and had the undivided attention of Alistair for his torture, which was unprecedented by the way, the strength it took for Dean to hold out for so long, that all came from hope and love and a purpose.” Abaddon paused waiting for Sam to understand. 

At Sam’s continued lost look, Abaddon grinned. “And I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.” Abaddon tsked causing Sam to glare at her. 

“Sam.” Abaddon said. “Dean still had YOU. All the pain and degradation he went through in Hell, all the things Alistair did to him, a part of Dean accepted it because you were okay. Dean knew you loved him and the sacrifice and pain were worth it."

"But now, Dean has nothing. You turned your back on him, and best of all you denied him his only purpose for being, protecting you, loving you, being his BROTHER. It was just so perfect, I didn’t have to do anything other that sit back and watch you do your magic. And as an added bonus, your pet Angel also cut your brother loose so he truly has nobody. Like I said, just perfect.” Abaddon cackled in delight. 

Sam just shook his head no, while his whole body was shaking. “Demons lie, demons lie, demons lie.” Sam kept repeating to himself unable to face what she was telling him. 

“So.” Abaddon continued uncaring as to Sam’s state. “Combine that with the Mark and all its demonic influences; Dean’s already nonexistent self esteem, his weight of the world mentality; the darkness still in him from hell and then purgatory; put a little cherry on top, and viola you have a human turned demon without dying, a human turned Knight of Hell.” 

“No.” Sam said gathering his emotions, trying not to give her the satisfaction of seeing what her words were doing to him. 

“No.” Sam repeated more firmly. “Dean is strong. Dean’s stronger than anybody I know and he won’t let you, he won’t.” Sam tried to say with conviction but his voice wavered with doubt. Sam knew how much he had hurt Dean and he knew that Dean was different when he came back from hell and even more so when he came back from purgatory. 

Abaddon just smiled. “Oh Sammy, whatever lets you sleep at night. Now, I need to go and take care of my beautiful Dean. It's going to be a grand old time.” She purred before disappearing. 

Sam slumped to the ground with the loss of power and the weight of what she told him. “No.” Sam said forcefully again. “I will save you Dean. You just gotta hold on, and I will get you back before she wins.” Sam promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see I've altered what the Mark does and Cain's story a bit to fit the story.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas is back and more questions are answered.

Sam stood up and pulled out his phone and when the other line picked up Sam yelled. “Cas, I need your help.” 

“Sam, what’s wrong?” Castiel asked as instant dread filled him at the tone of Sam’s voice. 

“Cas, where are you?” Sam demanded. 

“I’m in Missouri. Why Sa..” Castiel started to ask but he was cut off by Sam’s frantic voice.

“Okay good.” Sam said already getting into the Impala. “I’m 90 minutes out. Text me the address.” 

Castiel was pacing anxiously waiting for Sam to arrive, a little annoyed that he had to wait for an explanation as Sam sounded really frightened. 

Castiel sat down at the table and put his head in his hands, again thinking about Dean. He seemed to always be thinking about Dean lately. Castiel figured it was because it had been a long time since they had talked. 

Castiel had been keeping in touch with Sam, at least up until about seven weeks ago, but Castiel had not heard from Dean since he saw him after the vampire incident. It was strange because a lot of times Castiel would hear Dean’s prayers even when Dean didn’t want him to, but Castiel hasn’t heard anything lately. 

A couple of times Castiel made plans to head out to the bunker just to be able to see Dean in person, but some angel emergency always prevented him from leaving. 

Then Castiel was ashamed to admit, but the closer and more accepted he was by all the angels, the less Castiel wanted to rock the boat. Dean was a very sore subject. All the angels hated Dean and blamed Dean for Castiel rebelling and everything that happened after, especially Castiel killing so many of them. Castiel had tried to explain more times than he could count over the years that it was his decision and his mistakes and that Dean had tried to stop him with the purgatory souls. However, angels are very narrow minded in their thinking. Everything is black and white for them, and so they all continue to hate Dean. 

Castiel had to admit to himself that he was really happy to be back among his brothers and sisters, feeling like he belonged with them again. Castiel reveled in the feeling of home, but he realized he had been unfair in not reaching out to Dean. 

Castiel sighed again impatiently tapping his fingers against the table. Finally he heard a knock at the headquarter doors and Sam was ushered into the conference room. Castiel winced at bit. Sam looked horrible, and again a feeling of dread filled Castiel. 

“Cas.” Sam exclaimed grabbing and hugging him tightly. “I need your help.” Sam said tearfully. 

“Of course, Sam, but you have said that several times, but I still don’t have any clue what is happening. Castiel said pulling away from Sam to look at him.

“Where’s Dean?” Castiel asked tilting his head to look behind Sam. 

Sam just crumpled at the question, plopping down in a chair. “Abaddon.” Sam said. “Abaddon has Dean.” Sam admitted covering his face with both his hands in despair. 

“What?” Castiel exploded. 

“Cas.” Sam repeated. “Abaddon kidnapped Dean, and she’s gonna turn him, and it's all our fault.” Sam stuttered out tears running down his face. 

Castiel had to fight to keep his powers from going haywire with his worry and rage at Dean once again being in danger. 

“Sam.” Castiel said sitting next to him. “Take a breath and tell me what happened.” 

Sam quickly filled Castiel in on the past couple of months, and how he found Dean, and how Abaddon had set a trap for him. 

Before Sam got to explain what Abaddon had told him, Sam found himself pushed up against the wall, an arm across his neck and Cas’ eyes burning blue in anger. 

“How could you Sam?” Castiel demanded, lights flickering in his rage. “How could you treat your brother that way after everything he's done for you?” 

“Cas, calm down you're hurting me.” Sam pleaded trying to push the angry angel off him. 

“And you’re one to talk.” Sam shouted finally succeeding in pushing Castiel back a bit getting angry himself now. “You apparently turned your back on Dean too, so why don’t you stop blaming me for everything.” 

“What are you talking about?” Castiel demanded shocked at the statement. Castiel released Sam who glared at him. 

“Crowley told me all about you stopped answering Dean’s calls and texts and even his prayers. So we’re both at fault here.” Sam said defensively rubbing his raw throat.

“Sam.” I do not know what you are talking about. Dean has not tried to contact me. I would never turn my back on Dean.” Castiel said talking to Sam like he was crazy for suggesting such a thing. 

“Cas, that makes no sense.” Sam said remembering now the look of utter devastation on Dean’s face when Sam mentioned Cas texting him and again the same look when he asked Dean where Cas was at the motel. 

“According to Crowley, Dean has been trying to reach you for months. I guess when I refused to help him he tried to get help from you.” Sam admitted cringing again at the memories of Sam shutting Dean down and ignoring him. 

“Besides.” Sam said once again that self righteous anger of his flaring up a bit. “At least I had an excuse.” Sam said sounding a bit like a petulant teenager. 

“What?” Castiel growled. 

“Yeah.” Sam said trying to justify his actions even though he knew deep down there was no justification. “Dean betrayed me, lied to me, had me possessed. I had a reason to be angry, what’s your excuse Cas, huh? Why’d you turn your back on Dean?” Sam paused knowing he was just asking to be hit. “Again? 

Castiel flinched at that question, which was more like an accusation. Castiel stepped back a bit and had to admit that Sam had a valid point because yes Castiel had left Dean more than once over the years they knew each other and ignored Dean’s prayers, which left Dean to wonder where he was and if he was okay, but there was always a reason and Dean always understood when he found out. 

Of course there was purgatory, and aside from all he had done when working with Crowley, that was Castiel’s biggest offense. In retrospect, Castiel should have never left Dean alone, and Castiel was still amazed that Dean had spent almost a year looking for him and had never given up on finding him. 

They were both silent for a few minutes and then all the anger seemed to drain out of both of them simultaneously. Castiel was left with confusion and a feeling that something was very wrong. 

Castiel knew for a fact that he had never received any calls or texts from Dean since he last saw him, and he definitely had never heard any prayers. Crowley was obviously lying to Sam, but a voice whispered in Castiel’ head. “How did he explain the fact that he had heard nothing from Dean for months?” 

Castiel sat down. "Sam. I am telling you." And Castiel threw his phone at Sam across the table. "I have not received any calls or texts from Dean and not a single prayer has come to me." 

"Cas." Sam said. "This doesn’t make any sense. I saw the look on Dean’s face when you were mentioned, Crowley wasn’t lying." 

They both sat back thinking. Sam was flipping Castiel's phone back and forth when he suddenly stilled and sat up straight. Castiel recognized the look on Sam's face and a small smile escaped when he recalled Dean telling him more than once it meant a light bulb had gone off above Sam. Castiel still didn't quite understand the reference, but it always made Dean grin in delight and Sam scowl in exasperation at his brother. 

"What’s your password Cas, let me look in your phone." Sam said. 

Castiel blushed at the question and mumbled. "Dean0918." 

Sam couldn’t suppress a smirk. "Dean0918. Your password is Dean and the day you rescued him?” 

"Yes." Castiel said blushing again. 

Sam snorted and got into the phone. Castiel watched as Sam clicked and searched for whatever he was looking for. 

After a frustrating 20 minutes, Sam frowned and looked up at Castiel. "Look at this Cas." Sam said as he passed the phone to Castiel. 

All Castiel could do was blink in confusion and denial at the list of missed texts from Dean, and Sam reached over and brought up another screen and Castiel saw multiple unopened voicemails from Dean. 

Castiel squinted up at Sam, bewilderment stamped on his face and then Castiel shook his head vigorously in denial. "I never received these Sam. My phone always dings at me when I get a message." Castiel explained frowning down at his phone again. 

"Cas look." Sam pointed to the phone. "Somehow, these were all sent straight to archived messages. Your phone is set up in a way that every time you received a call or text from Dean’s phone numbers they went straight into the archive so you would never see them unless you searched here for them." Sam explained.

"But, I mean, I’ve never heard of this, didn't even think it was possible, but the proof's right here. That’s apparently what happened. It’s really weird though." Sam said thoughtfully as his mind ran through how something like this could have happened. 

"What!" Castiel yelled as dread was filling Castiel up at what Dean must have thought when he ignored him all these months. "This cannot be. I never did that. I did not even know you could do that with a phone." Castiel stated vehemently. 

Castiel started to scroll through some of the texts, his face getting paler and paler as he read one after the other. 

Castiel's grace was fluttering in distress as he started listening to some of the voicemails; Castiel's stoamch sinking with each new one. Castiel could hear how desperate and scared Dean sounded. Finally after listening to it once, Castiel played the last message he received from Dean on speaker so Sam could hear it. 

"Cas." Dean’s voice was shaking and you could hear the pain and tension in it, and Castiel could hear all the heartache that one word conveyed. 

"So." Dean chuckled a bit. "I just found out you have been texting Sam all this time. I was hoping you know that you were unreachable, but I guess it was just me you were ignoring." Dean chuckled again but it sounded weak and a small sob escaped at the same time. "Why Cas? I don’t understand.." Dean whispered and there was silence for a few seconds. Castiel could practically see Dean gathering control of himself and sitting up in determination to finish the message and sure enough when Dean started talking again he was more in control. 

"No, it’s okay Cas, I get it. I knew this would happen eventually. I mean everybody leaves me. Dean said with such sadness as his voice once again trailed off. 

Castiel’s heart broke as Dean was again unable to hold back another sob. After another few seconds of silence, Dean cleared his throat and continued on, his voice almost a whisper and so full of pain, tears gathered in Castiel’s eyes, and he glanced up and saw that Sam was in a similar state. 

"Okay, yeah, okay. I get it really." Dean continued. "I won’t bother you again. I promise this will be the last time. I just umm…" And there was silence for a minute. "Um yeah so uh, Sam kicked me out so I’m leaving." 

There was another pause. "It’s cool, really." Dean said again his voice breaking again. "I deserve it. I’m actually surprised it took this long." Silence again and then Dean cleared his throat and took a deep breath. 

"So okay, this phone is toast. If you need me for anything I guess you can contact Crowley. He always seems to know how to find me." 

"And I’m sorry Cas." Dean said finally losing the battle starting to cry. "I’m so sorry for everything. Your life was ruined when you pulled me from hell. That angel was right when she said my touch corrupted you. And, and, I’m just so sorry Cas. And thank you for everything. Again I won’t bother you anymore." 

"Things are happening and I probably won’t be around much longer anyway but, shit." Castiel heard Dean stop for a minute and curse. "Forget I said that Cas. It’s not your problem." 

"Just thanks and sorry." And again there was a pause and a couple of soft sobs. "Man you should’ve left me in hell. I wish you had just left me in hell." Dean said softly and Castiel could hear that Dean really meant it. 

They heard a beep and then a loud bang, which Castiel surmised was the phone being thrown in the trash can. However, the phone didn’t disconnect right away, and they heard "This hurts so much more than hell." Dean whispered his voice dripping with pain unaware that the phone was still recording. And then all Castiel could hear were the most heartbroken sorrowful sounds and cries coming from Dean for a few seconds and then the phone finally disconnected the call. 

Castiel looked up at Sam, both of them torn apart at the grief and pain they heard. "Oh my God." Sam whispered. Castiel's grace was twisting and screaming with the need to go to Dean and make things right, to take away that deep heart-wrenching pain, but Castiel couldn't do anything. He was stuck without working wings and Dean was a prisoner of the most powerful demon in existence. 

After they sat in silence for a few minutes, Castiel’s forced himself to focus and try to make sense out of everything, trying to not sink in despair at how he had, albeit unknowingly, caused Dean so much pain. Castiel knew more than anyone how severe Dean's abandonment issues were and now Dean was out there fighting for his life thinking Castiel had abandoned him. 

"I just do not understand." Cas repeated. "Sam what about his prayers? Dean never prayed to me. I never heard a single prayer from him." 

"I don’t kn…" Sam started to say but then stopped himself. Sam thought back to what he knew about the vampire incident and how Dean was blocked from calling Cas for help. So Sam started looking around, studying the walls and doors and then squinted as he spotted something. 

"Cas." Sam said. "What is that?" And Sam pointed to what looked like a sigil painted on the wall in the corner where the wall met the ceiling. It was really small and was not something anyone would notice unless you were really looking for it. 

Castiel quickly pulled a chair up to the wall and stood on it. He turned to Sam, his face turning red in anger. "Sam this is a sigil, one that blocks prayers, and somehow it appears to have been made specifically for Dean. 

Castiel was shocked. He didn't even know this kind of magic sigil was possible, but after examining it there was no doubt as to its purpose. 

Castiel took a minute to look through the window out at the angels. Most were working, but some were looking at him trying to figure out what was happening. 

Castiel jumped down from the chair and rushed into the main room, his eyes searching and finding the same sigil in this room too. 

A feeling of betrayal ran through Castiel because someone here had gone through a lot of trouble to keep Dean’s attempts at contacting Castiel from him. 

Castiel felt rage build up in him as he pointed at the sigil and growled out. "Who put that there?" 

"Who?" Castiel demanded again as the lights started flickering and his eyes started burning bright blue in fury. 

"Castiel." Hannah came over to him. "What are you talking about? What's wrong?" Hannah looked anxious and a little scared at Castiel's display her eyes flickering behind Castiel to where his wings were flared up. 

"Hannah, someone has sabotaged and betrayed me, and I demand to know who that is right now!" Castiel yelled as his whole body starting to light up. 

Hannah took a step back in fear, and Sam came up putting his hand on Castiel’s shoulder. "Cas, you gotta calm down. Your grace." Sam whispered to Cas as he was not sure how much the angels knew about Cas’ borrowed grace. 

Castiel visibly shuttered as he forced himself back under control, still furious and feeling sick at what had happened. 

"Who?" Castiel demanded again. 

When nobody unsurprisingly stepped forward, Castiel turned to Sam. "Do you have everything you need to summon Crowley?" Castiel spat out. 

"I think so, yes." Sam said pretty sure everything they needed was in the Impala. 

"Okay let’s go. Bring me back to where Dean was taken." Castiel demanded, and without another word Castiel walked away from the angels and out the door. 

"Castiel! Castiel! Wait. Castiel what are you doing, where are you going?" Hannah cried running after him. 

Castiel just walked over to the Impala refusing to acknowledge her. "Sam." He snapped when Sam paused unsure what to do. "Let’s go now." Castiel commanded as he slid into the passenger seat. Castiel closed his eyes in grief as the smell and feel of Dean washed over him. 

Sam got in and pulled away from the headquarters leaving Hannah and several angels who followed her out standing in the parking lot staring as the Impala drove way. But Castiel never looked back. He was too furious and filled with betrayal and anguish. All Castiel wanted to do now was find Dean.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you could guess, some bad stuff happens to Dean now that Abaddon has him. Please see the end for triggers.

"It’s getting really old waking up in chains." Dean thought as consciousness slowly descended on him. Dean kept his body limp while he tried to figure out what was going on. Dean remembered being attacked by a hoard of demons, and then he felt a searing pain coming from the Mark that caused his body to freeze and then there was just nothing. 

"Crap!" Dean swore as he wiggled his hands. Dean could feel metal cuffs, and his arms were attached to a hook in the beam he was plastered against above his head. Dean quickly found that his ankles were similarly chained. Dean was dressed in only his T-shirt and jeans. 

Needing to relieve the ache in his shoulders Dean quietly tried to straightened up. And Dean realized that he felt really weird. It was not from what Dean was guessing was a drug of some sort, it was different. It was something Dean had never felt before. It was like everything was muted. 

With a start Dean realized the burning, pushing pulse from the Mark was barely there. It felt like it was wrapped in layers and layers of cotton. 

Dean looked around and seeing no one else in the room at the moment took a closer look. Dean was in some sort of a loft-like apartment with one main living area with a kitchen, a living room with several supporting beams scattered throughout, one of which Dean was chained to. And "Oh fuck!" Dean cursed as he turned his head to the right and saw a bed tucked in the corner of the room, a bed with eye bolts in the headboard and foot of the bed. 

Terror slowly started to sink into Dean as images of Kate flashed across his brain. "No." Dean thinks. "I can’t go through this again." But when Dean pulled at the chains he could feel no give. 

"Don’t bother." Dean heard an amused voice say, and Dean stiffened as he recognized it. 

Dean eyes snapped up and he watched Abaddon saunter into the room followed by a couple of big burly demons. Abaddon was carrying his Blade and twirling it around. 

Dean was surprised again at the layered cotton type feel coming from the Mark. With the Blade in such close proximity, Dean should be feeling an intense longing and pull along with a surge of power, but Dean could feel nothing. 

Abaddon smiled while she set the Blade on two nails in the wall, putting it on display directly in Dean’s sight but completely out of reach. 

"Feeling a little weird Dean? Has the Mark gone limp?" Abaddon laughed as she closed the distance to stand right in front of Dean. 

"What did you do you bitch?" Dean demanded. "Where’s Sam? If you hurt him…"

"Oh Dean." Abaddon cooed cutting him off. "Sam’s fine. I didn’t touch him. In fact, I think I’ll be sending him a fruit basket." Abaddon laughed while caressing his cheek. "Now, is that anyway to talk to your lover, lover?" Abaddon snickered. 

Dean just glared determined not to show how scared he felt right now. Abaddon dipped in for a long kiss holding Dean’s chin harshly with one hand not letting him turn away. 

"It’s the cuffs." Abaddon whispered running her tongue across Dean’s bottom lip causing Dean to shiver. 

"What do you mean Abaddon?" Dean asked straining to look above his head at the cuffs, and Dean could see various symbols and runes that appeared to be in Enochian etched into the metal of the cuffs. 

"What is this?" Dean demanded again jerking his hands, noting the cuffs were attached to his wrists with a small chain in between and there was another chain between the cuffs hooking him to the beam. 

"Well those, lover." Abaddon said waving a hand and manifesting a large knife. "Those cuffs suppress the Mark, so no power boost for you." She laughed slicing down the front of Dean’s shirt. 

"You are entirely at my mercy." Abaddon said each word accompanied by a piece of clothing being cut away. Abaddon laughed as she jerked Dean’s jeans off. 

" Geez lady, buy a guy dinner first." Dean snarked as he tried to hide his panic. That feeling of being wrapped in layers of cotton was the Mark's power being suppressed Dean realized as dread spread through him. Dean tried and tried but he couldn't draw any power from it. 

Dean tried to focus on the Blade across the room while trying to ignore Abaddon hands roaming all over his body, tsking and tatting at his multitude of injuries, but Dean got nothing back in response. 

Dean realized he was in big trouble, but Dean has gotten himself out of situations like this before he ever got the Mark and the Blade and he could do it again, Dean hoped. 

Dean gasped in pain as Abaddon scraped a long pointed nail across his nipple forcing his attention back to her. Abaddon eyes were dark with desire, and she reached up again to kiss Dean again. 

"Back off!" Dean snarled jerking away. 

"Oh lover, don’t be shy. You must remember how good it was with us. Did you wonder why the sex was so spectacular?" Abaddon asked molding herself to Dean’s body and nipping at his neck. 

"Son of a bitch!" Dean shouted as she bit down hard enough at his pulse point to draw blood. 

"See Dean. It was the Mark. Sure you a great lay, but the Mark connected us knight to knight, that’s why it was so good." Abaddon purred sucking on the bite on Dean's neck. 

"You're fucking nuts!" Dean yelled bucking slightly up into her hand as she caressed his cock through his boxers. 

"Don't worry, lover. You’ll see. But first…" Abaddon declared stepping back admiring the view of Dean all stretched out against the beam, the Mark suppressed by the engraved cuffs. All the extra time and research it took to find a way to disarm Dean and keep him weak paid off, and Abaddon was thrilled that her plan was coming to fruition. 

"What?" Dean demanded glaring at her, but Abaddon could see past the snark and bravado. She could see Dean realizing that he was completely at her mercy, and she shuddered in delight at the look in his expressive gorgeous eyes. 

"First." Abaddon repeated. 'You're looking pretty banged up there Dean. I didn’t think I would need to do this until after your first session, but oh well this is the reason I have an angel up my sleeve." Abaddon smiled. 

Dean looked adorably confused, and Abaddon turned to one of her guards and told them to bring in the angel. 

Abaddon smirked at the look of trepidation and fear that flashed across Dean’s face. "Don’t worry lover. It’s not your pet angel, but then Abaddon frowned at the look of intense relief in Dean’s eyes when he realized Castiel was not in danger." 

That look made Abaddon angry and she slapped Dean hard across the face. Dean grunted and then looked at her questioningly. 

Abaddon turned in a huff as the angel was brought into the room. She again felt rage sweeping through her when she watched as the angel took in Dean’s bound and hurt body and glee poured from his eyes. "Oh this is so worth agreeing to work for you Abaddon." The angel snickered.

"Shut up!" Abaddon growled. No one gets to take pleasure in Dean’s pain but her she thought possessively. "Just do your job and get lost before I teach you some manners." Abaddon threatened. 

The angel’s smile was replaced with fear, and he quickly stepped forward and put two fingers to Dean’s forehead. 

Dean jerked his head up when Abaddon called for an angel, fear flooding his system that she somehow got a hold of Cas. Dean sagged with relief when she said it wasn’t him, which was followed by a harsh slap across his face. Dean looked up at Abaddon confused as to what brought that on, although Dean is pretty sure he’s going to be feeling a lot of pain for no reason until he can figure out a way out of here. 

Dean watched as an angel he has never seen before came into the room smiling in delight at Dean’s predicament. Dean knew most angels hated him, but an angel working for Abaddon was hard to wrap his mind around. 

Dean couldn't help but smirk at little after Abaddon yelled at the angel and fear filled his face. As he headed over and extended two fingers to Dean’s forehead, Dean felt all his various injuries quickly heal. 

Dean sighed in relief but just as quickly froze as his mind wrapped around the implications of Abaddon having an angel around to heal him. 

"Yes. You're getting it now, aren’t you Dean?" Abaddon stated smiling and patting his cheek at the look of panic on Dean’s face that he quickly tried to hide. "Having an angel on the payroll will let me do whatever I want to you, without killing you of course, and then poof you're all healed up." Abaddon pressed her hands together and released them when she said poof looking like the cat that ate the canary. 

Abaddon grabbed Dean’s chin again forcing him to look into her cruel eyes. "Think that will bring some memories back lover?" Abaddon asked with an evil laugh. 

It took everything in Dean to maintain control of his face, not wanting to give her the satisfaction of seeing the pure terror that pulsed through Dean’s body. Memories of all the torture and horror he went through each day in hell to only to wake up fully healed and whole again crashed through Dean. His heart was beating out of his chest as panic coursed through his body as Dean realized that Abaddon planned to recreate that. 

"Fuck I am so screwed." Dean swore to himself, and hating to do it but feeling he had no choice Dean started to pray. He prayed to Castiel and he prayed to Crowley until Abaddon slapped him again so hard the other side of his face bounced off the beam snapping him out of his prayers. 

"Dean, Dean, Dean. Did you really think I wouldn’t have thought about you calling for help?" Abaddon said as she calmly pointed to the ceiling, and Dean saw a couple of sigils painted on them. One looked familiar and with a sickening feeling Dean realized he had seen a similar sigil on the walls of the warehouse Kate had him in. 

"Blocking my prayers." Dean stated nodding to the one sigil while putting on a brave face. "What’s the other one?" Dean asked already knowing what it meant. 

"Oh the other one. Come on now Dean, your smart what do you think it does?" Abaddon asked running her fingers through Dean's hair. 

"It blocks and hides me from Crowley." Dean stated calmly while inside his head he was thinking that he was so completely fucked. 

"Bingo." Abaddon laughed again giving Dean a big kiss. 

"Ok bitch. You’ve gone through a lot of effort here for some payback, so what’s the plan? A little torture and then kill me?" Dean asked giving her his fiercest glare. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Abaddon just smiled widely and then shooed the two guards out the door with her hand. Dean's eyebrows shot up as Abaddon calmly started to undress. 

Dean’s eyes widen because while Abaddon may be a hell bitch, there was no arguing that she was drop dead gorgeous. 

"See Dean. The knights have a connection, a bond if you may, and once you turn into a knight then you won’t be able to hurt me. And then it will be me and you taking over the world." Abaddon laughed manically as she shimmied out of the last bit of her clothing. 

"She really is bat shit crazy." Dean thought pulling on the cuffs, which caused the skin on his wrists to tear and Dean used the pain to try and keep little Dean uninterested. 

"What the hell are you talking about turning me into a knight?" Dean snarled refusing to look at her naked body. 

"Oh right." Abaddon said. "You don’t know do you?" Abaddon tsked as she smiled at Dean’s confused look, her smile widening when she recognized that Dean was fighting off arousal as he tried not to look at her. 

"Didn’t get the whole run down when Cain gave you his gift?" Abaddon questioned running her hands down Dean’s arms and then down his hips before tearing his boxers off. 

"Fuck!" Dean exclaimed and gritted his teeth as Abaddon's soft hair ran down his stomach, cock and thighs as she bent down and unhooked the chain holding his ankle cuffs. Abaddon then slid her naked body slowly up against his as she reached up to unhook his wrists taking a moment to kiss Dean again. 

Dean’s eyes widen even more when he found himself responding, moaning softly into Abaddon’s mouth. Abaddon jerked back at the sound, and Dean wasn't sure who was more surprised Abaddon or himself at his reaction. 

"You fucking bitch!" Dean snarled. "What did you do? A spell? Your demon powers? Stop it right the fuck now." Dean demanded panting slightly. 

Abaddon looked confused for a moment, but then she leaned in again pushing her body up against Dean's. She brought her lips a hair breath away from Dean’s lips and then paused looking up into Dean’s eyes waiting to see what he would do. 

Dean was furious and looked conflicted and he started muttering "Fuck, fuck, fuck." But then unable to stop himself he pushed forward capturing Abaddon lips in a searing kiss. 

"Oh, this is perfect. It's already working." Abaddon drawled in a sexy voice. 

After the kiss ended she finally unhooked Dean's hands, but before Dean’s muscles even had a chance to register the ache at finally being able to lower his arms Dean found himself in a horrifyingly familiar position of lying flat on his back on a bed with his hands and ankles chained. 

Abaddon straddled him and leaned down once again stopping and waiting for Dean who pushed up to capture her mouth again. She cooed and laughed as she ran her hands all over his chest and arms. 

Dean moaned and bucked when she finally lowered herself onto his painfully erect cock. "Release my hands Abaddon." Dean ordered, arching his body and gasping in pleasure when Abaddon started to move. 

"No way lover. Just relax and enjoy." Abaddon gasped out her voice thick with arousal. 

And Dean looking disgusted at his lack of control and the need and desire pulsing through him, gave up the fight and lost himself in Abaddon’s moist heat. 

Sometime later, Dean is not sure how long, but he was exhausted and fucked out and breathing heavy while Abaddon was lying on Dean’s right side having wrapped herself around Dean sated and content at the moment. 

Dean snorted to himself. "Who would have guessed the most evil vile woman in the world was a cuddler." 

Dean tried to inch away, but Abaddon just held him tighter. All Dean could do was just lie there listening to her breathing, while his skin crawled where Abaddon was running her hand across his chest in a soothing surprisingly gentle manner. 

Dean couldn't believe that had happened again, and he knows it’s just the first of many times. Dean has to escape, find a way out, but Dean has no idea how he's going to accomplish that at the moment. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dean shivered as he felt a deep empty ache inside him as he tried yet again to access the Mark’s power, hating the cocooned muted feeling the cuffs were giving him. 

Dean hadn't realized how much he was using the Mark to fill up the emptiness inside him, to chase away the pain and betrayal over the last few months, but now without the Mark’s presence all Dean can feel is a dark abyss of pain and loss. 

Exhausted mentally and physically, Dean closed his eyes and wished for sleep to escape this horrible nightmare, and as Dean finally drifted off, silent tears ran down his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for non-con/dubious consent and threats of torture. Non-con/Dubious consent section is marked with +++++ if you want to skip.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise another chapter. I have actually the next one done and the one after almost finished so I might post them sooner than next week. 
> 
> See end for notes but nothing too bad in this chapter.

Sam and Castiel went back to house where Dean was taken from and while Castiel searched the house Sam set up the summing for Crowley. 

“Find anything?” Sam asked, and Castiel just shook his head. Sam wasn’t surprised, it was a long shot. Sam lit the ingredients in the bowl and a few seconds later Crowley appeared. 

“Why are you calling me Sam?” Crowley asked sounding frustrated. “I was busy.” 

Crowley then looked around. “Where’s Dean?” Crowley demanded sensing something was wrong. 

“Dean was taken by Abaddon.” Castiel said in his usual blunt manner.

Crowley’s face went through a range of emotions Sam could not quite make out but settled on seething fury. “Bloody hell!” Crowley yelled as red smoke starting to escape from his eyes. 

Sam stepped back but Castiel put a hand on Crowley’s arm. “Calm down Crowley. That’s not going to help anything.” 

Crowley brought himself under control, snapped a glass of whiskey into his hand and downed it. “Okay somebody tell me what the hell happened.” Crowley demanded again, eyes snapping to Sam’s clearly wanting to put the blame on him. 

Sam explained about the trap and the sigil and how Abaddon drugged Dean. He told both of them because he had not gotten this far in the story with Castiel yet about what Abaddon said she was going to do and what she wanted. 

“Crowley is that even possible, turning Dean into a knight without killing him?” Castiel asked. 

Crowley shook his head, I really don’t know. There is nothing written down about the Mark, or at least the real story according to Cain. I guess if anyone would know that it would be Abaddon as she was the first Knight Cain made. 

“Well why does she think Dean won’t just turn around and kill her if he really would be that powerful?” Sam wondered aloud. 

“Well.” Crowley said. “And again I am guessing, but the Knights that Cain made were connected...” 

“Like the physic thing with vampires?” Sam interrupted causing Crowley to huff in annoyance. 

“No Moose. Can I finish?” Crowley sneered. “So as I was saying the stories all point to them being like a family, they would never hurt one another, they were bonded.” 

“I don’t understand.” Castiel said. “Dean said Cain killed all the knights, all except Abaddon.” 

“Yes.” Crowley said. “Cain was, for lack of a better description their alpha.” And Crowley shot Sam a do not dare look before Sam could point out he just said that. 

Crowley cleared his throat and continued. “So they all banded together against Cain when he wanted out, and he killed them, but they would not turn on one another. At least that is what the lore says about the Knights, but who really knows?” Crowley said. 

“What I don’t understand.” Sam said. “Is what Abaddon really wants. I mean the way she looked at Dean it was downright creepy. 

“What do you mean Sam?” Castiel asked. 

Sam thought for a moment and replied. “Like boil the rabbit in the pot kind of look.” 

Castiel tilted his head and squinted in confusion while Crowley snorted. 

“Apt description.” Crowley said. “I mean she was kinda of obsessed with Dean even before he got the Mark. She did try to nab him twice before.” 

“What!” Sam exclaimed. This was news to him and apparently Castiel too by the look on his face. 

“Yeah.” Crowley said. “But I foiled her the first time in the warehouse and your tag along angel saved Dean in that cancer ghost town. She actually had her hands on him before she was scared off.” 

Sam felt the familiar anger rise in him at the mention of Gadreel but was very surprised at what Crowley was saying. “Are you sure Crowley?” 

“Yes, Moose.” Crowley snarled, waving his hand dismissively at Sam's disbelief. “Squirrel told me himself after he had too much to drink one night and he talked about Gadreel. He told me how Gadreel had stopped Abaddon that time. 

“And you do know that feathers here would be dead, and that little sidekick of yours too, Bailey, Chelsea, something or other if it weren’t for Gadreel?” Crowley stated taking another drink.

“Charlie?” Sam demanded.

“Yeah, yeah, Charlie. Apparently Gadreel brought Cas here and Charlie back to life, and I guess he helped Dean out a lot too while he was riding shotgun. Dean felt really betrayed by Gadreel because Dean had thought he was his friend.” 

Sam just stared in shock at the information. 

“You don’t remember any of this Moose? You remembered what happened with Kevin.” Crowley asked aggravated at Sam’s cluelessness. 

Sam grimaced at the memory and felt kinda of guilty. Sam had assumed everything that happened with Gadreel was bad so he refused to look back through his memories of that time, plus he didn’t want to see Dean lying to him over and over again. 

But now hearing that Gadreel did good things, like really good things, made him feel strange, and Sam never even considered that Dean would have felt betrayed by yet another person he considered a friend. 

Sam knew how much that always tore Dean up because as far as Sam could recall Benny was the only person in Dean's whole life who had never betrayed him, and yet Dean had still killed Benny to save Sam. That thought made Sam feel that sick feeling of guilt again. “Yeah.” Sam snorted to himself. “Just one more sacrifice Dean made for him.” 

Sam shook himself out of his morbid musings. They had more important things to worry about right now. “Okay so she wanted Dean even before the Mark, but why?” Sam asked. 

Crowley just snorted in disbelief. “Seriously Moose. You don’t know. Haven’t an inkling at the way most people, monsters, demons and smirking over to Castiel, and angels think about your brother, well one angel right feathers?” Crowley snickered. 

Crowley sighed as Sam’s continued confused look. “Really Sam, what do you think is the first thing that pops into their heads when they see your brother? 

Castiel seemed to be getting it and looked pained at the thought. 

“Moose. Your brother is deadly, smart, strong, loyal and most especially exceptionally beautiful. That’s a very alluring combination. Add in all his other qualities and it's just a mix most can’t resist.” 

Sam snorted at the smart part, causing both Crowley and Castiel to give him the stink eye. 

“Case in point.” Crowley said showing Castiel the screen saver on his phone, the picture he took when Dean was getting out of the shower. 

“Let me see that.” Castiel demanded making a grab for the phone. 

“Hey hands off.” Crowley yelled. “Here.” And Crowley waved at his phone toward Castiel. “Look at your own phone.” 

Castiel pulled his phone out and saw the picture was a screen saver on his phone now too. 

“Seriously guys.” Sam yelled when at least a few minutes went by with both Crowley and Castiel staring at the picture with identical expressions on their faces, eyes darkened with desire, mouths slightly open. 

“Guys!” Sam yelled again causing them both to startle and look up. “Really! Stop perving on my brother and let’s figure out how to find him.” Sam demanded completely out of patience. 

“Oh yeah right.” Crowley rocked back on his heels a sheepish smile on his face. Castiel just blushed. Even Sam had to admit the picture was stunning but geez priorities. 

Sam dreaded bringing this up but he had to know if what Abaddon had told him was true. “Guys?” Sam said softly causing them both to look up at him. “So Abaddon said some things about Dean, but you know demons lie so I’m not sure…, well I need to know…, cause I don’t...” 

“Bloody hell.” Crowley yelled. “Just spit it out Moose.” 

Sam took a breath and told them what Abaddon had said about the state of Dean’s soul and how it was mostly Sam’s fault. 

Castiel with a pained look on his face put a hand on Sam’s shoulder, and when Sam looked up hoping to hear the words that Abaddon had lied, Castiel just looked at him sadly and said. “She’s right Sam. I’m sorry.” 

Sam jerked back, shaking his head in denial. “No Cas. It’s not, it can’t be true.” Sam pleaded. 

“Well.” Castiel said. “What happened with the vampire didn’t help but yeah I noticed a difference in Dean’s soul, and that was a while ago. So based on what you told me about what has happened the last couple of months, I can't even imagine how much more damage has been done. 

Castiel paused and his looked softened as he caught Sam’s eyes. “But you didn’t know Sam don’t….”

Crowley was listening and getting angrier and angrier, and in a fit of rage threw his bottle of whiskey at the wall causing both Sam and Castiel to jump. 

“Really! He didn’t know. Just like you didn’t know how ignoring Dean would affect him.” Crowley sneered pointing at the both of them in fury. 

“You two are bloody hypocrites. You take Dean for granted, you toss him aside when he’s no longer useful, and you never saw the true potential he has. When we get Dean back from Abaddon, you both should do the right thing by Dean and leave him the hell alone.” And with that Crowley disappeared. 

Crowley was livid. His plans were falling apart, and he was worried, like really worried about Dean. Crowley himself had been banking on the fact that when Dean turned into a demon that Crowley being the king of hell could force Dean to serve him if it came to that. Now, it’s looking like a very real possibility that Abaddon was going to win now that Dean, who was the only one capable of taking her off the playing field permanently, was in her clutches. 

Crowley was also incensed at the thoughts of what she was doing to Dean. Crowley had visited Crystal after the incident and after convincing her he was trying to help Dean she allowed him inside for a few seconds. That was all it took for Crowley to feel what Abaddon had felt that night with Dean. It would make Crowley's blood run cold, if he had blood flowing that is. 

So Crowley reluctantly went back to Moose and feathers to get help in finding Dean, but Crowley had every intention of taking Dean away from them as soon as he was rescued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References to past character deaths, non-con possession.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, sorry for the delay. I had this chapter all ready go and then decided to re-write parts of it. Now its a weird mix of conversations and Dean's thoughts but I'm kinda at a loss as to how to fix it so here you go. I hope its not too hard to get through.
> 
> MAJOR DEAN WHUMP in this chapter and the next. As you probably have guessed this is where we find out what's been happening to Dean as Abaddon's prisoner. Its broken up into weekly time stamps. I was going to leave it as one big chapter but it seemed a bit much so I broke them up. You can conceivably skip the next two chapters if this is triggering.
> 
> Also 55 Kudos! You guys are the absolute best. I would have been happy if just a couple of people like this and I am so thrilled. So seriously, thank you!
> 
> Tiny nod to Halloween here. I hope everyone had fun yesterday.

ONE WEEK LATER 

Dean screamed as another slice of skin was lifted from his back. The demon laughed at the design they created. “It’s a jack-o-lantern. You couldn’t get more inventive than that?” James the demon scolded the other demon as he flipped Dean over getting ready to contribute his choice of art by carving into Dean’s chest and abdomen. 

Dean had long since lost his voice from all the screaming and was thankful the day was almost over. They had started with a variety of knives and sharp instruments and then progressed to their current art project. Dean’s hands and wrists were swollen from leather bindings that held him to the metal table, cinched so tight his fingers and toes were slowly dying from lack of blood. 

“I think tomorrow we’ll try again with the bones.” James said and his partner, Lee, readily agreed chuckling in glee when Dean couldn’t suppress the whimper and moan at the thought of them trying that again. The demons would hang Dean from chains and then slowly and methodically break every bone in his body. They had already tried it three times, but were only able to get three-quarters of the way through his bones before Dean's body would go into shock forcing them to stop and Dean to be healed. 

TWO WEEKS LATER 

Dean screamed as fire racing across his skin, scorching and bubbling as the blow torch swept up the side of his leg. Dean’s screams had become so shrill the demons had placed a large ball gag on Dean complaining that all the noise was spoiling their fun. 

Tears streamed down Dean’s face as he watched them exchange the blow torch for the branding iron. They had already used multiple different sources of heat to burn Dean. By the end of the day Dean was in such bad shape that even the angel had complained saying it was too draining to heal all those burns. 

Dean found that the torturers like to make a game out of finding a new way to spend an entire day causing Dean unimaginable pain and suffering, and the angel sometimes was the worst of the three. He was still way too pleased with Dean's predicament and always waited until the very last second to heal Dean so that Dean felt the agonizing pain as long as possible. 

Dean had tried talking to him a few times at the beginning, trying to convince him to help or contact Cas, but the angel had been friends with Zachariah and Raphael. He had wanted the apocalypse to happen and knew that Dean had been the one to humiliate and then eventually kill Zachariah. In addition, like most angels, he blamed Dean for Castiel's fall and in extension for Castiel killing Raphael and all of Raphael's followers. The angel had hidden from Castiel to avoid being killed and since then has been a mercenary angel. The angel had laughed at Dean's attempts and occasionally added more injuries to Dean's already beaten and carved up body when no one was looking. Dean hated him just as much as the two demons Abaddon had assigned to torture him. 

THREE WEEKS LATER 

Dean was chained to a post while the demons ran through the variety of whips and floggers they had at their disposal. When the cat-o-nines with the metal shards embedded in the leather made an appearance Dean looked up through a haze of pain and gasped when Alistair raised the whip cackling in delight. Dean froze in terror and squeezed his eyes shut, but when opening his eyes Dean actually sighed in relief to find that he was still with the two demons. Dean was finding it hard to differentiate sometimes between memories and reality as the torture continued and Dean’s memories of hell bled through. 

Luckily the two demons had nowhere close to the skill Alistair had so Dean could take it, he had to. Abaddon had told Dean of her plans and what would happen when he died or lost control and the Mark took over so despite the mind numbing agony and growing hopelessness Dean forced himself to hold on. 

Dean had lasted 30 years in hell and he would not lose himself after just a few weeks, but it was different this time. Now having been tortured in hell and here on earth when he was alive, Dean could feel the difference and it was night and day. Being in hell had an almost surreal quality to it, which made it slightly easier for Dean to escape into the pain but being alive everything seemed sharper and more painful. 

Dean also didn’t just wake up whole again as he did in hell. No he had to suffer through the angel healing him and that in itself was another form of torture. Dean could feel the bones knitting back together, his organs regenerating and the skin sealing up. Every injury hurt just as badly when being healed. Dean knew it was just another way for the angel to be a dick because all Dean felt when Cas had healed him was warmth and tingling. 

Dean didn't want to be a demon and he just had to keep fighting from turning as a human until he could try to find a way to escape, but the fighting and holding on was also much harder this time, almost impossible. When Dean had been in hell, Sam had been Dean’s anchor. It was Sam’s love for him and the knowledge that all the pain was worth it since Sam was alive that helped Dean hold out for so long before breaking, and Dean no longer had that. This time Dean had nobody. 

In the beginning, after being healed and when Dean was left alone for a few hours in his cell he would daydream of Cas showing up in a blaze of white glory, smiting the demons and rescuing him. Other nights, Dean would imagine hearing sounds of fighting and then seeing Sam bursting into the cell to bring him home. 

Dean’s heart would shrivel up in despair and Dean would find himself ashamed of hoping for things that would never happen. Dean had done so many bad things in his life and this was punishment, and Dean truly believed that Sam and Cas had just moved on and wrote him off. Crowley was all that was left, but he had no way to even get close, and if anything Crowley was all about self preservation. 

It had been a couple of weeks by Dean's estimation. He tried to keep track but he wasn't always held in the same place so he couldn't make marks on the wall. When Abaddon was away he was sometimes kept in a cement cell so small he could only curl up, or he was left hanging from chains his feet barely touching the ground or put in various painful positions with the goal of Dean never achieving any level of comfort and his mind not being allowed to rest. 

FOUR WEEKS LATER 

Dean tried to curl himself into a tighter ball as his mind replayed yet again everything that was said and done to him today. The torture demons and the angel had amped things up. They added in mind games and brought up things from Dean’s childhood, brought up his relationship with his father, the things he did to keep Sam fed and safe and worst of all the things Alistair did to him and made him do. 

Dean wasn’t sure where they got all their information, but it was dead on. Dean suspected the angel was walking around in his dreams and memories because there was stuff they were bringing to light that not even Cas had known about. Or it could be Abaddon, she was powerful enough to also plunder his mind, but all Dean knew is he wanted it to stop, he needed it to stop. 

“You know, Dean. I was there when you father was in hell.” James taunted Dean, and Dean just looked at him blankly his mind already numb from today’s onslaught of forced memories. James frowned at Dean’s lack of reaction. 

“Did you ever wonder how your dad was able to climb out of hell Dean if he was strapped to a rack and being tortured?” That got Dean’s attention, not enough to respond, but Dean turned and looked up at James curious about where this was going.

James smiled in victory. “That’s right Dean, John was barely on the rack and even when he was it was child’s play compared to what was done to you. You see.” James smiled wide at the emotions Dean let escape before trying to look unaffected. “John was allowed to roam about as he pleased because…” And James leaned down and hissed in Dean’s ear. “Alistair left John alone in exchange for stories about you Dean, and the more details and the more depraved the stories, the longer the break John was given.” 

“You’re lying.” Dean answered as his mind rebelled at the notion as James pulled back to watch Dean’s face. Dean just shook his head in denial because even though Dean knew better than anyone that his father was pretty far from a good guy, this seemed excessive even for John. 

James just gave Dean an evil smile. “You know I’m telling the truth.” He said calmly tapping his head with his fingers. “Think about it Dean. In all your years on the rack were you ever free? Did you ever let a soul free when you became Alistair’s apprentice?” Dean grimaced with the effort of trying to keep his face blank, but failed miserably because it was true no one was ever free until they became demons. Doubt crept in as Dean wondered for the first time "how was dad free to climb out? Dean couldn’t imagine any of the fleeing demons taking the time to stop and release John from the rack on their way out. 

“And the best part.” James continued proud of himself for getting a reaction from Dean. “That was the beginning of Alistair’s fascination with you. He always said it was all about your eyes.” James confided in Dean. Dean tried to convince himself this was just another ploy to break Dean’s spirit, but those words struck a chord as Alistair had said that same thing to Dean countless times, had told Dean over and over how delicious the look in Dean's eyes was when Dean was screaming in pain. 

“You were just supposed to be a job, get you to break as fast as possible, but Alistair took it to whole new level.” James leered down at Dean his meaning clear. 

Dean refused to fully believe John would do that to him until Abaddon had confirmed it when Dean asked her one time she was feeling particularly gentle toward him. She admitted that Alistair’s goal for torturing John was never to make him break, as John could never have been the righteous man. It was done solely to learn all about Dean and what could be used to break Dean. Dean felt a wave of anguish and betrayal flow through him amazed that after everything John had done to him while alive he managed to continue to fuck Dean over in death. 

And it had worked because Dean had eventually broken in hell and started the end of the world with his weakness. The demons took great delight in using that against him too. They reminded Dean about how weak and pathetic he was, how even the angels had recognized how worthless he was and moved on to Adam, and that rescuing him had been a waste of resources, especially since Dean had managed to so thoroughly corrupt one of their own. 

There were days while they were torturing Dean that with every cut, burn, slice, stab and break they would joyfully tell Dean how Sam had experienced the same when in the cage and how it was all Dean’s fault. He wasn’t enough to stop the apocalypse, and he wasn’t enough to stop Sam from being in the cage with Lucifer. Dean wasn’t enough for anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for torture, violence, implied dub/non-con, implied child abuse and sexual abuse. 
> 
> Summary: Dean is tortured in several ways starting with physical torture and then expanding to mental torture where memories are forced on him. Dean is also told about how his dad used Dean to escape torture in hell.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Dean whump here. See end for triggers.

FIVE WEEKS LATER 

Dean shifted in his restraints, his arms aching and his shoulders almost ready to pop out of their sockets. The day was over and Dean had been left with his hands chained behind his back and then attached to a chain in the ceiling forcing Dean to bend over and all his weight held up by his bound arms. Dean’s feet were chained to the floor wide apart causing more strain to be placed on his arms. 

Dean’s muscles were trembling with fatigue and his joints were aching, and Dean kept drifting off for a few seconds before the pull of his arms became too painful and he jerked himself awake. Suddenly, Dean squinted as a burst of white light flashed outside the door to his cell and seconds later the door was flung open. Dean’s eyes widened in disbelief as Cas strolled through the door. Dean felt tears form in his eyes at finally being rescued, but he watched in confusion as Cas just stood there looking at Dean with his head tilted and his expression hard. 

“Cas, unchain me.” Dean pleaded and then confusion turned to horror and heartbreak as Cas responded coldly still staring at Dean. “Why would I want to do that Dean? You’re exactly where you deserve to be. You destroyed my life and now you must pay!” Cas sneered as he slashed Dean's cheek with his angel blade. 

“No Cas please.” Dean screamed, but Cas just turned away to look at the door, and Dean’s eyes widened as Ellen and Jo walked into the room. Jo snickered at Dean but Ellen had a thunderous look on her face. She strode over and pushed down hard on Dean’s back causing his left shoulder to pop out. “Ellen” Dean gasped in pain worried his arm would be torn right off as she applied even more pressure. 

“Don’t Ellen me Dean Winchester.” Ellen snarled down at him. This isn’t even a fraction of the pain you deserve for getting me and especially my baby Johanna killed.” 

“ I know, I’m so sorry.” Dean panted the pain becoming unbearable, but then the pressure was gone as Ellen was flung back away from Dean, and he blinked up at the newcomer. 

“Hey there brother, you’re not looking so good there.” Benny drawled his southern accent thick and warmth and hope spread through Dean. Benny unchained him and caught Dean as he fell easing them both down onto the hard cold cement. 

“Benny, did I die? Am I in purgatory?” Dean asked his arms tightening around Benny enjoying the coldness of Benny’s undead body against his fevered skin. 

“No brother, not yet.” Benny answered tightening the fingers that had been gently running through Dean’s hair. 

“Benny!” Dean screamed as Benny’s grip turned brutal and he jerked Dean’s head violently to the side. “Purgatory is too good for you Brother. You’re a whole new breed of monster.” Benny sneered dropping his fangs. 

“What, no.” Dean whispered in shock as he struggled uselessly in Benny’s arms. Benny looked at him with hate filled cold eyes and then tore a huge piece of flesh out of Dean’s neck and started to drain Dean. Dean could hear Ellen, Jo and Cas all laughing and egging Benny on. 

“Benny no! Stop!” Dean entreated as the pain from his mutilated neck stole his breath away. 

Dean jerked and opened his eyes to find himself back in the same chained position, with the angel grasping his head and looking entirely too pleased with himself at the images he conjured and Dean’s response. 

“You son of a bitch! Stop messing with my head!” Dean screamed trying to pull away but he had nowhere to go. 

“But I’m having so much fun Dean.” The angel responded. 

“You know what you need to do to make it all stop Dean, just let go. Give yourself completely over to the Mark.” James cajoled with an oily smile. 

“Fuck you!” Dean rasped.

Now the demons altered between outright torture and messing with Dean’s mind. Dean was forced to watch as loved one after loved one was hurt and killed over and over and shown how their deaths were Dean’s fault. Dean could feel the pain and terror of all the people Dean failed to save as they died horribly.

Bobby was the worst as Dean found himself strapped in a chair with a multitude of bindings, which Dean recognized from when they had captured the leviathan. Dean was sitting in place of the leviathan, but that didn’t stop Bobby, and every way Bobby had tried to kill that leviathan all those years ago Dean had to suffer through while Bobby spewed hateful words at Dean. 

“Bobby I’m not a leviathan.” Dean shouted as Bobby injected a burning concoction into his veins. 

“I know you idjit. You’re worse.” Bobby said shaking his head in disappointment. “You know what you need to do to make me stop son.” Bobby said. “But not quite yet. I still need some payback for you putting me in a wheelchair when I saved your worthless hide. And oh let’s not forget how you got me shot and killed.” Bobby sneered reaching for another poison. “You were just too stupid to come up with a better rescue plan, and too slow getting me out.” Dean screamed as acid was poured over his chest. “Always were such a disappointment.” Bobby admitted looking at Dean with distain mixed with sadness. 

It was never ending and Dean was trying so hard to hold on. His only respite was the time’s spent with Abaddon, a fact that the two torture demons and the angel vehemently tried to get Abaddon to change her mind about, saying she kept setting things back. Because when Abaddon was home all torture came to a halt, and Dean was kept up in her apartment. The engraved ankle cuff would be attached to a chain allowing Dean to be able to move around a bit and even reach the bathroom on his own, but of course it was not long enough to reach his Blade or anything else helpful. 

The wrist cuffs though were never removed and that in itself was driving Dean slowly insane as Dean was never able to properly use his hands or separate them. 

Abaddon's actions were so contradictory Dean couldn’t figure them out. She was the one who ordered all the torture and he thinks helped them to access Dean’ memories and thoughts, but when they were together she treated him like a boyfriend. 

Dean had tried to get her to stop what she was doing, asking her how she could hurt him so much if she loved him as much as she claimed, but she would just smile and tell Dean it was for the greater good and when he finally turned he would thank her, that ever present madness shining in her eyes. 

Dean wondered though if it didn’t bother her a little because she was never around when they tortured him, and the one day they tried to introduce sexual torture into the mix it was stopped immediately and the two torture demons spent the rest of the day writhing in pain instead of Dean. 

Again that was so reminiscent of the possessiveness Alistair always displayed with Dean, although he delighted in causing Dean pain and was not tender like Abaddon. So despite himself Dean began to crave those times with Abaddon, which were too few in between. Even though he spent most of that time in her bed, it was a reprieve from the torture and allowed Dean to gain some control back. 

The demons continued to argue with Abaddon that she was setting things back by having Dean with her in relative comfort and breaking up the torture, but Abaddon didn't care. She wanted Dean with her when she was there and that was that, she was the boss. 

Dean could see how James looked at Abaddon, and he wondered if he could use that somehow because the demon clearly hated taking orders from Abaddon, disagreed with most of her decisions and whenever she was not looking or around James didn't even make an effort at hiding his disrespect. 

SIX WEEKS LATER 

The man on the rack screamed in agony and Dean fought the feeling of pleasure sweeping through his body, which was followed by sickening revulsion at the pleasure he felt however briefly. Dean stopped, stepped back and put down the knife. Dean refused to continue the torture, and his hands were shaking and his mind rebelling. 

“Pick the knife back up and continue Dean.” James ordered. 

Dean started to shake his head no but James just pointed to the corner of the room where two children were sleeping. Human children who would stay asleep and be returned to their homes without ever knowing they were used as pawns to force Dean to start torturing again if Dean cooperated. Otherwise if Dean continued to refuse they would be brutally tortured and killed in front of him. This was the third time they had used this tactic and Dean of course never let the children be harmed. 

Dean had done everything he could think of to get Abaddon to change her mind about this. Dean was ashamed to say he even begged her but she would not be swayed. She said it was important for Dean to start remembering his dark side and bring it to the surface so he could embrace it. 

Abaddon took a little pity on him and assured him that the meat suits were dead and it was either one of Crowley’s supporters or an unaligned demon, but it didn't matter in the long run. All the darkness in Dean that he tried to suppress after hell, all the bloodlust the Mark caused started to surface slowly and Dean was finding it was getting harder and harder to fight. 

Dean admitted he had planned to torture that demon to get information before he was captured, but he never would have gone this far and it would have been a one off, not meat suit after meat suit. This was the worst thing Abaddon could have done to him and Dean knew it would progress to alive meat suits and then to humans. 

Tears of frustration and helplessness sprang into Dean’s eyes as he reluctantly picked up the knife again after glancing at the children, and even though it was difficult with his hands cuffed he went back to work, shivering in disgust and fear when a few times he looked up at the demon he was torturing it was through a gray haze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean is forced to deal with memories and/or hallucinations about people he loved torturing him. Dean is also forced to torture. There is threats of violence toward children, but the children are never harmed. 
> 
> Don't worry, this is the last of these types of chapters. Things start happening again in the next one.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok here we go... See end of notes for triggers. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Thank you again everyone for sticking with the story.

TWO MONTHS LATER

Dean was waiting in the apartment for Abaddon thankful again for the chance to be away from the torture rooms. The last few weeks had been so intense, horrific and never ending with Dean being tortured, healed, and made to torture, rinse and repeat. It seemed Abaddon was getting impatient and was stepping things up.

Dean grunted as he tried to get comfortable on the couch. The angel, the malicious asshole, started healing all Dean's injuries but had found a way to make it so the pain remained leaving Dean in constant agony. 

Abaddon came into the room with James following behind her and they were arguing bitterly. 

Dean stood up when Abaddon waved him over for a kiss hello and when she turned her back on James to grab something Dean saw an angel blade raised in James' hand and without hesitation Dean jumped forward, pushed Abaddon out of the way and cursed as he felt the blade pierce his shoulder dangerously close to his heart. 

James and Abaddon both were shocked into stillness at Dean's actions, and Dean without missing a beat yanked the blade free from his body and drove it up into the demon. As he flickered out Dean collapsed to his knees grasping his shoulder. 

“Dean!” Abaddon cried, and then as blackness crowded into Dean's eyes he heard Abaddon crying for the angel. 

When Dean woke up he was lying stretched on the couch with his head in Abaddon's lap. She was stroking his forehead and running her fingers through his hair and it felt nice. Dean was pain free for the first time in a long time, and he snuggled his face against Abaddon's stomach and opened his eyes. 

Abaddon smiled down at him. “You saved me lover. I have to say I'm more than surprised.” 

Dean just shrugged pulling himself to a sitting position. “You cast the spell on me Abby so you knew what the outcome would be.” Dean threw at her, showing Abaddon that he still hated the fact that she made Dean want her and now he was even protecting her, which was sick and so very, very wrong. 

Abaddon just smiled. “Dean how many times do I have to tell you there is no spell, it's just you. You and I are connected. It’s destiny.” 

Dean shook his head in denial while simultaneously grabbing Abaddon's face and pulling her into a kiss. “God Abby.” You almost died.” Dean whispered hugging her tight. 

“Come on Dean.” Abaddon said cooing softly. “You know that wouldn’t have killed me.” 

“Yeah.” Dean admitted. “But it would have hurt you a lot.” Dean shuddering at what almost happened, and he pulled her closer to him. 

“Abby please.” Dean begged while kissing her neck and trying to get their bodies as close as possible. “Remove the cuffs Abby. I want to wrap my arms around you and touch you.” 

Abaddon moaned against Dean's kiss, and for the first time was considering it. She remembered their first time together and how amazing Dean was with his hands and she craved that feeling again. Dean had asked several times since he was captured, but Abaddon always refused not trusting him enough. 

“Leave the ankle cuff on.” Dean said. “It works the same. Just take off the wrist ones. Just for a little while.” Dean asked again while sucking a bruise on her neck making her knees weak. 

Abaddon really had not put any kind of spell on Dean, and his response to her just proved that they were destined to be together, that everything she said about them was true. 

She was amazed that he had pushed her out of harm's way, and Abaddon wasn't sure if even her most loyal of demons would have done that. Abaddon pulled back and when Dean looked at her with a question in his beautiful eyes, she nodded. 

Dean smiled wide and held out his hands. Abaddon pricked a finger on each hand, held the bleeding digits against the locks on the cuffs and muttered an incantation. The cuffs snapped off and Dean stretched his arms out to the side and up, smiling again at her before his smiled turned wolfish, and he scooped Abaddon up into a bridle carry and hurried over to the bed, lying her down gently. 

Abaddon sighed in pleasure and happiness and soon she was naked and Dean was working the magic she remembered with his hands over her body, stroking and pinching and grabbing her hair for brutal kisses. Abaddon was shivering in pleasure as she felt Dean's hand enter her and hook slightly reaching that spot, and Abaddon felt her orgasm creeping up. 

“Abby.” Dean murmured into her neck. 

“Yes Dean, ooh.” Abaddon gasped in pleasure as Dean twisted his fingers just right. 

“Abby you know Sammy always used to tell me that I had a superpower.” Dean said between kisses. 

“Ah ah.” Abaddon agreed not really paying attention just letting herself get lost in all the sensations Dean was pulling from her body. 

“Don't you want to know what it is?” Dean asked laughing while he took a nipple in his mouth and sucked causing Abaddon to arch upwards. 

Abaddon frowned a little wondering why in the world Dean was talking about his brother, but gasped again in pleasure as Dean began to rub his thumb against her clit. 

Abaddon was thrilled when she looked into Dean's eyes she saw flashes of gray surrounding the green. Her plan was working. Dean was hers; Dean was starting to turn; and Dean was making her feel incredible. “Life was so good.” Abaddon thought as her orgasm crashed over her. 

While Abaddon was spasming and shaking in pleasure, she looked up and frowned at the hate and fury she saw in Dean's eyes. “What?” She said to herself, still in the throes of passion so her mind was moving slowly. 

She watched as Dean sat up still straddling her and raised his hand and just as her body allowed her mind to catch up but before she could use her power to subdue Dean, the Blade connected with Dean's hand and he slammed the First Blade into her chest. 

Abaddon gasped in pain and shock, and Dean smirked triumphantly down at her. “Sam always said my superpower was my ability to charm any woman. And guess what?” Dean said pushing the Blade in deeper straight into her heart. “I’ve. Still. Got. It.” Dean growled.

Dean watched in satisfaction as a bright flickering light flowed out of Abaddon, and he watched as her whole body shuddered and fell limp. 

Dean gripped his Blade tight, closed his eyes and just reveled in the power once again flowing through him. It seemed more intense than before, and Dean wondered if it was because he just killed Abaddon, another Knight. 

Ignoring the trickle of unease that it could be mean he was closer to turning into a full blown knight, Dean bent down and used the blade to snap off the ankle cuff. Dean smirked down at the edge near the back of his ankle cuff that had been scraped off, disrupting the sigil. 

It had taken Dean almost the whole time he was held captive to finally chip off enough of the sigil to make the cuff powerless. Dean knew if he tried it on the wrist cuffs it would have been noticed right away so he stayed focused on the ankle cuff. 

Dean thought back to the first night he was here chained to the beam and listening to Abaddon talk about her plans for him, and he knew he was fucked. Dean knew Sam or Cas weren’t going to try to rescue him and Abaddon had bragged about how Crowley couldn't even get close and definitely could not enter the house as the sigil was specific to Crowley. Realizing he had no way to escape outright Dean steeled his mind and settled in for the long con. 

He was Dean Fucking Winchester dammit, and he had gotten himself out of bad situations before he got the Mark and the Blade, and Dean just had to use the only weapons he had, his own wits and charm. 

And it had worked. Dean couldn't believe it. He thought it would take a lot longer to get Abaddon to trust him enough to remove the wrist cuffs, and Dean was really worried he wouldn't be able to hold on long enough. The demon James’ attack had given Dean a perfect opportunity, and Dean again shook his head in amazement that she fell for it.

Dean wobbled a bit when he tried to stand, the adrenaline wearing off some. He was so tired and weak, and he still had to get out of here. Dean searched the dressers until he found his jeans tucked away in a drawer and pulled them on but he couldn't find his boots. He was wasting time so Dean gave up the search. 

He looked up locating the two sigils on the ceiling and aiming the Blade threw it up and it landed perfectly in between, cracking the ceiling and breaking the sigils. Just as the Blade dropped back in Dean's hands he heard the door opening. 

Dean stood to the side and as soon as the demon started to step into the room, Dean grabbed it swinging the demon around so its back was arched over the back of the coach while Dean held the blade to its throat. Dean smiled down in satisfaction that it was Lee the other demon torturer. 

The demon took in James' dead body and Abaddon's dead body, fear widening his eyes as he looked up at Dean seeing gray replacing the whites of Dean's eyes, eyes that were promising pain and death. The demon shuddered in fear thinking about all the things Dean had done while being forced to torture. 

“Are you going to answer my answers?” Dean demanded pushing the blade against the demon's throat causing blood to run freely down its neck. “Or do I have to get the answers the hard way.” Dean smiled as the demon started shaking in fear.

“What do you want to know?” He asked in a shaky voice. 

“Were those the only sigils?” Dean asked looking up. 

The demon hesitated and Dean pushed the blade in harder. “No.” He said reluctantly. There's another set near the door downstairs. 

“Fuck!” Dean swore. “How many demons are here?” Dean asked, and Dean's stomach sunk as the demon said about 80 with a smirk. The demon was glad to know that while he might not make it out alive neither would Dean. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Dean muttered trying to think. That was too many even with the Blade. Dean was worried because he was weak and exhausted, and Dean was still occasionally seeing a gray haze obscure his vision. Giving up control to the Mark to escape could possibly push him over and that was the last thing Dean wanted. 

“Do you have a phone?” Dean demanded again. 

“What?” The demon asked confused. 

“Do you have a phone?” Dean repeated in a menacing voice. 

“Yes. Yes. Here.” The demon grabbed his phone out of his pocket. 

Dean held the phone to his forehead for a second trying to gather his thoughts. “Okay.” Dean said and dialed the number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger - smut and sexual violence.
> 
> So Dean kills Abaddon. I know everyone was probably expecting Cas, Sam or Crowley to help Dean kill Abaddon but I really liked the idea about Dean running a long con and Abaddon falling for it. 
> 
> I was, however, extremely nervous about how he killed her worried it would offend some people and I considered re-writing it, but this was always my vision for the story. Dean was still chained by his ankle even if the sigil was not working any longer and in my mind he couldn't know how having the Mark suppressed for so long would affect things so he needed to catch her by surprise or she could have subdued him before he made his move.
> 
> Dean still has to get out of a building crawling with demons. Cas, Sam and Crowley are back with the next chapter.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a short chapter for you. No triggers. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine. Thanks again for reading.

Sam was so frustrated and scared he could scream. It’s been two months and they still haven't been able to locate Abaddon or Dean. 

Sam had spent time pouring through the men of letters books and files trying to find a location spell to find Abaddon or even one that could locate Dean, but he found nothing. Sam had tried to research the Mark of Cain, but shockingly there was only a tiny amount of information in the bunker on it. 

Castiel had moved the angel headquarters to just a few hours drive to the bunker, having finally gone back after Hannah had tracked him down explaining that two angels came forward after Castiel had left and admitted to putting up the sigils. She said they were just worried that Castiel would leave them since he always seemed to choose Dean over them, but that they had not meant any real harm. 

Unfortunately the two had escaped and joined Metatron's group before Castiel or Sam had a chance to question them. Sam didn't trust Hannah and thought it was all too convenient because the magic involved in creating that sigil was way too advanced for an average angel to create. However, Castiel still felt a need to belong to his family and wanted so desperately to help the angels get back to heaven that he choose to believe the story for now. 

Castiel was splitting his time between the bunker, his headquarters and going out with Sam to follow leads. Crowley checked in regularly getting more and more frustrated himself as he lost more allies and no one was talking, all of them too afraid of Abaddon now that Crowley no longer had Dean by his side. 

Sam and Castiel had gotten pretty close during the time, both talking about how guilty they felt and how they knew they let Dean down. Sam never had the chance to talk to Dean and it made him sick to realize that Dean didn't know Sam had regretted telling him to leave and wanted him to come home and that Dean thought Sam had only tracked him down because he needed something. Castiel was just as upset because Dean didn't know that Castiel had not abandoned him. 

Now Sam and Castiel were driving toward the fourth building out of six that they had determined had angel warding in Kansas and were going to work their way state by state if they had to. The first two had been a bust, the last one surprising had a small vampire nest, and this one was close to the bunker so Sam didn't have much hope but they had to cross it off the list. 

They were about 15 minutes away when Crowley appeared in the backseat causing Sam to jump. Sam looked at Crowley through the rearview mirror and he looked a little worse for wear, not his normally put together self. 

“Anything?” Crowley demanded. 

“No.” Castiel said in disappointment. “We are going to check out another building with angel warding.” Castiel explained.

“Bloody frickin hell!” Crowley swore. “It's been months.” He yelled. 

Castiel and Sam both glared at him. “Thanks for the reminder Crowley.” Sam snapped at him. “You think we don't know?” 

Crowley huffed and leaned back as his phone started ringing. Crowley looked down wincing when he saw Dean's photo. Before the picture was something Crowley used to look at and fantasize over, but now it was just a reminder that he had failed Dean and not protected him. 

“Who the hell is this calling me?” Crowley snarled. 

“Put it on speaker.” Sam said. “It might be a lead.”

“Fine.” Crowley said and answered the phone demanding. “Who is this?” 

“Crowley?” He heard a shaky voice ask, but a voice unmistakably belonging to Dean. All three occupants of the car gasped in surprise and hope. 

“Squirrel. Bloody hell, it’s good to hear your voice. Are you okay? Where are you? Where's Abaddon?” Crowley asked waving a hand at Sam when Sam started to talk silencing him while glaring up at him. 

Dean cleared his throat and said. “M' fine, uh Abaddon's dead.” And again all three gasped simultaneously. “I, uh, I killed her Crowley.” Dean said, his voice sounding flat. 

Crowley wouldn't have been able to stop the smile that spread across his face if he tried, but Dean sounded rough so he forced himself to focus. “Okay Squirrel, you did good. Are you okay?” 

Dean sighed and said. “Yeah kinda of. I don't know. But Crowley, there's so many demons here. I don't know how I'm going to get out.” Dean confessed. 

Crowley waved his hand now at Castiel when he tried to talk causing both Sam and Castiel to glare at him, but Crowley just shook his head no. 

Castiel pulled out his angel blade furious that Crowley wouldn't let him speak, but hesitated wanting to make sure Dean was okay first. 

“Okay. Do you know where you are?” Crowley asked. 

“No.” Dean said. “Hang on.” And they all heard a yelp of pain. 

“Where are we?” Dean demanded to someone. 

“You’re gonna kill me anyway, so I'm not talking.” The guy said trying to sound brave, but they could all hear fear in his voice. 

“Where. Are. We?” Dean demanded again and there was just another yelp of pain but silence. 

“Who is that?” Crowley demanded. “A demon?” 

“Yeah.” Dean said. 

“Okay Squirrel, put me on speaker.” Crowley ordered. 

“Why?” Dean questioned, and Crowley just huffed in annoyance at Dean's inherent stubbornness. 

“Dean put me on speaker.” Crowley demanded again. 

“Okay fine.” Dean said, and Sam smiled because he could picture Dean rolling his eyes and felt hope that Dean sounded like himself right then, even Castiel had a small smile on his face. 

“Listen to me you miscreant.” Crowley said in a low menacing voice. “Dean said Abaddon is dead so that means I'm king again and you work for me now. “So.” Crowley continued. “You can spend the rest of eternity roasting in the deepest darkest corner of hell or you can tell me where the fuck you are!” Crowley yelled his voice rising with every word. 

“Okay, okay.” The demon said, and he rattled off the address. They all looked at each other with shock because they were headed for that building already. They heard a scream of pain and a slight flickering sound as Dean killed the demon without hesitation. 

“Crowley.” Dean said sounding closer as he took off the speaker and held the phone up to his ear. “The place is warded, you can't get in, and the last sigils are downstairs, but there are like 80 demons in the building.” Dean confessed, and he sounded tired and defeated. “And, I'm, I'm..” 

“What?” Crowley asked gently. 

“I'm not sure how much control I have left.” Dean admitted. “I just, I don't know if I can do it.” Dean’s said in a soft voice that trailed off. “But hey.” Dean snorted weakly. “I killed Abaddon, so that's all that matters right. So, uh, will you watch out for Sam and Cas?” Dean entreated. 

“No!” Crowley yelled. “I mean yes of course, but no stop it. You fight Dean. Just like always, and you will get out.” Crowley yelled. “Just try to get out Squirrel or at least reach the sigils.” Crowley said again trying to sound encouraging. “I'll be waiting outside okay, Squirrel, okay?” 

“Yeah, okay.” Dean finally answered after a few seconds of silence, and with that Crowley disappeared. 

“Son of a bitch!” Sam screamed, pressing on the accelerator. “That bastard could have brought us with him.” Sam cursed. 

“Just get there as fast as you can Sam. We'll deal with Crowley after Dean is safe.” Castiel said fighting to control his anger and worry.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone hope you all had a great weekend. Got an early chapter for you. Nothing triggering other than some violence and blood. 
> 
> Multiple POVs here so hopefully its not confusing. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine.

Dean figured the best way to go would be ninja style to hopefully get to the sigils or out of the building without bringing too much attention to himself. He started down the corridor looking for the stairs when of course as luck would have it four demons walked out of one of the rooms. It was brutal and quick and left Dean more injured than he would have liked, but he kept control and didn't give into the Mark. 

On shaky legs, Dean slowly moved down the stairs into another corridor. There were double doors ahead of him and through a window in the doors he saw the sigils painted above the door to the outside, which was on the other side of a large room. 

Dean heard a noise, turned around and saw the one face he wanted to see, the damn angel. Oh how badly Dean wanted to stick his Blade in that chest. 

But instead of looking afraid the angel just smirked at Dean and raised his hand pushing Dean back through the double doors with his powers. Dean skidded to a stop halfway across the room on his back and looked up. 

It was a large room, half the size of the building and apparently it was where everyone gathered as he found countless demons all looking down at him in shock at seeing him there. 

The angel walked through the doors and announced that Dean had killed Abaddon, winked at Dean and took off. Dean flipped to his feet and his heart started thumping in his chest as he watched as a hoard of demons descended on him. 

Crowley paced in front of the building trying some spells and his power to break the sigils keeping him out, but nothing worked. He heard the sounds of screams and cries and fighting when all of a sudden Dean burst through the door onto the concrete and a stream of demons followed him out. 

Dean was spinning around and fighting with everything he had. The Mark was burning so red Crowley could see if from where he stood and thinking quick Crowley jumped up on top of some crates, threw back his head, and let his essence out. 

As soon as the demons started making their way to Dean all growls of anger and furious looks on their faces, Dean had a weird moment when time seemed to slow down. Did Dean give in to the Mark and risk turning as he knew how close he was at this point or did Dean just give it his best shot knowing that meant those demons would tear him apart? But before Dean could even make a conscious choice with an almost audible snap in Dean’s brain Dean was back in the present and the Mark surged through him. 

Raw red pulsing power zipped through Dean's veins and Dean gasped at the feeling. With having the Mark suppressed for two months, Dean had forgotten how all consuming, amazing and addicting this felt. 

And as the power rippled through him, Dean turned and started to fight, making his way slowly to the door as meat suit after meat suit met a grisly end. Dean spilled out of the door to the outside thankful to have finally made it but a seemingly never ending line of demons followed Dean out. 

Dean continued to fight oblivious to anything other than each swipe, parry and stab of his Blade as he fought for his life, and then Dean felt Crowley brush up against him. “Weird.” Dean thought, but soon saw it wasn’t Crowley's meat suit, it was Crowley essence, a red cloud of power swirling through the demons, pushing them away from Dean. 

Despite the power of the Mark, Dean was at the end of his endurance and he was so thankful for Crowley at the moment. 

Then Crowley slipped back into his meat suit, and all the demons stood still waiting for what he would do or say next. 

Dean sighed in relief when he saw all the demons disappear and then Crowley was standing in front of him, whispering to him how he did a good job and he was proud of him, that he was going to take Dean away somewhere safe where he could recover. 

Dean barely registered Cas and Sam running up to them but felt the crackle of Cas' power as his wings expanded and his eyes burned blue as he raised his hand to smite Crowley. 

Dean felt torn between protecting Crowley and running toward Sam and Cas. Crowley made the decision for him and agreed to leave, but he grasped Dean's arm and Dean felt a prick as something purple burned bright for a second and then was absorbed into his skin. 

Castiel has never missed his wings more than at this moment because all they could do is speed to the location knowing that Dean was fighting for his life, and Crowley was there to do whatever he wanted during the time it took them to get there. 

And Dean, Castiel cringed at the tone of Dean's voice on the phone. He had sounded so defeated and hurt, all the fighting spirit seemed to have been drained out of him, and Castiel was sick at the thought of what Dean had gone through these past two months.

The Impala rounded the building and screeched to a halt and Castiel took in the scene in front of them. There were bodies littered across the front of the building, but more demons were pouring out of the doors, all of them intent on getting to Dean. 

Castiel gasped when he saw Dean fighting off one demon after another but there were so many of them surrounding him that Castiel was afraid after all their searching they would arrive here just to watch Dean die. 

Sam and Castiel jumped out of the car but Sam held his arm out stopping Castiel from running into the fight. 

Castiel growled in anger until he saw Sam staring at Crowley, who was standing up on a raised platform made of some boxes. Castiel watched as Crowley threw back his head and his red essence poured out of him spilling into the crowd of demons, swirling and pushing them back away from Dean and getting their attention. 

Crowley flew back into his body and thankfully all the demons stood down, just looking up at Crowley to see what he would do next. 

Castiel was so focused on Dean at the moment that he barely heard Crowley declaring himself king again and ordering all the demons to stop attacking Dean and report back to hell immediately. 

Castiel and Sam ran up to Dean stopping a couple of feet away. Dean was standing sideways facing Crowley, gripping his Blade so hard his knuckles were white. He was wearing only jeans and his torso was covered with injuries and blood and guts, and he was thin, thinner than Castiel had ever seen him. 

Crowley had his hand around Dean's arm and was whispering urgently into Dean's ear and Dean was nodding every once in a while. Dean turned his head to look at Sam and Castiel when they walked up to them, and Sam cried out and Castiel gasped in denial as instead of Dean's beautiful green eyes looking back at them they were greeted with a dark stormy gray. 

Castiel called Dean's name and Dean looked up into his eyes and Castiel tried not to flinch. “Okay they are gray not black, so there is hope.” Castiel thought praying to God to help. 

Dean stared for another few seconds, blinked and slowly the gray bled away leaving Dean's green eyes. 

Castiel again flinched but now at the pain and despair he found looking back at him. 

“Dean.” Castiel called again, but Dean looked back at Crowley and Castiel saw Crowley raise his hand getting ready to snap him and Dean away. 

“No.” Castiel growled out, there was no way he was going to let Crowley take Dean now, now that they finally had him back. “No Crowley, you are not taking him.” 

Crowley cursed when he heard Castiel yell out no and watched as Castiel's wings, even though broken and useless but still impressive and full of power, flared out behind him and his eyes burned blue fire. Castiel raised his arm to blast Crowley away. 

Crowley didn't think Castiel had the juice to kill him but he could hurt him and Crowley needed his full strength to deal with the demons waiting for him in hell. Always one to pick his battles, Crowley dropped his hand from Dean's arm. 

“Dean.” Crowley called softly bringing Dean's attention back to him, and Crowley felt relief at the sight of Dean's green eyes. “I have to go okay.” He explained and Dean just stared at him a somewhat vacant look in his eyes making Crowley think it was probably not a bad idea to let Sam and feathers take Dean now because if anyone could bring Dean back to himself it would be them. 

Crowley leaned in and whispered in Dean's ear. “Whenever you need me Dean you just call, and I will come for you okay, no matter what.” Crowley swore and as he was talking Crowley pressed a small crystal into Dean's arm, the side where Sam and Castiel couldn't see and said a short incantation. Crowley was never going to lose track or be kept away from Dean again he thought satisfied that the crystal was absorbed without any problem. 

Dean stared at Crowley and then finally gave a short nod. 

“Crowley this is your last warning.” He heard Castiel threaten again so Crowley snapped out. He had plenty of time to collect Dean later when things in hell were taken care of. 

Crowley disappeared and Dean looked around, taking in the bodies littering the ground, all those bodies, all those meat suits that could have been alive that Dean had just killed. Dean breath hitched in horror at the implications and images flooded through his mind; Abaddon's smiles as touched Dean, Abaddon's dead eyes staring up at him, the screams of the demons he tortured, his own screams as he was tortured, image after image of what they forced him to do and see; demon after demon falling under Dean’s Blade. 

Dean grabbed his head and fell to his knees. Dean’s chest burned as he struggled to breathe, the darkness within Dean threatening to overtake him. He felt someone grab his shoulder and Dean flinched back not wanting to hurt anyone else, he just wanted the earth to open him up and swallow him whole. Dean rocked back and forth in despair keeping his eyes squeezed shut. 

“Hey, hey, hey.” Sam cried as he rushed to Dean's side. Sam tried to grab onto Dean to pull him into a hug, but Dean flinched back when Sam touched his shoulder so violently Dean almost toppled over. 

“Sam wait.” Dean heard Castiel say pulling Sam back some. 

At first all Dean heard was screams and cries of pain in his head, which felt like it was splitting open. Dean felt lost in a sea of red, pain and blood. He could feel the Mark pulsing through him as it started to take more control. 

Dean considered letting the Mark win and giving up what little control he had left, but then as if from a vacuum he heard familiar voices calling his name and Dean slowly opened his eyes and looked up. 

“Dean, it’s me Sam. You’re okay now. No one's going to hurt you.” Dean heard Sam say softly, and Cas murmured something soothing that Dean couldn’t quite make out. 

Dean thought he was dreaming because Sam and Cas were squatting next to him, with concerned and relieved expressions on their faces. 

“Why would they look concerned?” Dean wondered. “Why were they even here?” 

Still in a daze, Dean allowed himself to be pulled up and guided across the lot toward the Impala. Dean stopped and stared, she was sitting in the lot with the sun shining off her black coat, and Dean felt something inside him give and a small tendril of home wormed its way inside the coldness. 

Dean allowed himself to be guided toward his Baby, his mind still not completely comprehending that Cas and Sam were there with him, and if it weren’t for his Blade in his hand Dean would almost think this wasn’t another mind trick. 

They got close to Baby, and Sam opened the trunk telling Dean to put the Blade inside and then they would take Dean home. 

Dean started to do just that when he paused. “Wait a minute. This isn't right. Why was Sam here? And why was he asking Dean to give up his Blade?” 

Dean's mind whirled and he gasped as pain again shot through his head and the Mark pulsed, and all Dean could think was. “Danger. This is a trick. Something is not right.” 

Dean pulled his arm back still gripping the Blade and stepped away from the car and the two beings pretending to be Sam and Cas. Dean knew without a doubt those were not his brother and his angel. There was no way they would be here for him, being nice to him. 

And despite Dean’s utter exhaustion, all his wounds and his mind frizzing out, Dean raised his Blade and prepared for another fight.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi just a short one but it seemed like the best place to stop. I'll hopefully have another chapter up tonight or tomorrow. 
> 
> No triggers, all mistakes are mine.
> 
> Thanks again for kudos and comments. They make my day.

Sam jerked in surprise when Dean suddenly stepped back and raised the Blade as if he was preparing to fight something. Sam quickly looked around trying to ascertain the threat but he saw nothing. 

“Dean.” Sam called out. “Come on man, put the Blade in the trunk and let's get back to the bunker. We can’t tell how injured you are.” Sam said softly with his arms raised and palms out in a come in peace gesture, but Dean just looked at him blankly and then Sam watched as Dean’s eyes hardened and sharpened, his eyes flickering between Sam and Cas. 

“Cas.” Sam turned to Castiel to see if he understood what was going on, but Castiel was just staring at Dean, his body tensing. 

“I don’t think he believes it's us Sam.” Castiel said without turning his gaze from Dean’s face. 

Confused Sam turned back to Dean. “Dean man come on, it’s me Sam, your brother, and Cas your best friend, we just want to help you.” 

Dean kept his eyes on both not-Sam and not-Cas trying to figure out what they wanted from him. He knew it was not really Sam and Cas, but he still found himself hesitating on attacking because they just looked so much like the real thing. 

Maybe it was Dean’s mind wishing for their presence and that they cared enough about him to be here, but his head felt like it was splitting open and the Mark was screaming in his mind that these two were a threat and he needed to attack, but Dean still held back. 

It wasn’t until not-Sam said. “Come on Dean, it's me Sam, your brother, and Cas, your best friend.” That Dean knew, all doubts gone. 

“Boy, you’re really good.” Dean sneered at the imposters. “You really almost had me going there for a minute.” 

Dean chuckled darkly as the crestfallen look on not-Sam’s face, taking a step forward in preparation for an attack. “I mean, you're almost perfect in your disguise, but guess what?” Dean said his voice laden with menace. “You guys aren’t quite up to date, it totally gave you away.” Dean said as he smiled coldly, his eyes deadly in their intent as Dean stepped closer to not-Sam. 

“What are you talking about?” Not-Sam asked stepping back a little. 

“Good.” Dean thought to himself. “It's afraid.”

“Dean seriously, just calm down. It’s me.” Not-Sam pleaded. 

He’s right Dean it’s really us, put the Blade away, not-Cas said in a low voice, trying to defuse the situation causing Dean to turn, his eyes getting caught in the impossible blue eyes of the Angel. 

Wow these things were really, really good as Dean could almost feel himself get sucked back in to those eyes, wanting nothing more than to just stop and stare and lose himself in the blue, the safety, the love but a shot of pain, betrayal and loss pierced through Dean’s chest as he remembered reality. 

Cas wasn’t his friend anymore, Sam wasn’t his brother anymore. It's all just wishful thinking from a pathetic loser Dean berated himself. 

“No.” Dean said. “I’m not falling for it. What do you want with me?” He yelled raising the Blade higher. “Where’s Crowley?” Dean asked taking a quick peek around. 

“Dean please.” Not-Sam cried, tears gathering in his eyes. “Why don’t you think it's us? We just want to help you.” 

“Is that right?” Dean asked shaking his head and turning to address not-Sam. 

“I know you’re not really Sam because see Sam, well Sam’s not my brother anymore, at least according to him. That’s where you made your mistake.” Dean sneered. 

“And Cas here.” Dean said nodding toward not-Cas. “He’s no longer my friend. He dumped my sorry ass. So let’s try this again.” Dean demanded. “What are you and what do you want? 

Not-Sam shook his head sadly, and then Dean sensed a presence near him and spun around and just before his Blade made contact two fingers were pressed into his forehead and Dean was plunged into darkness. 

Castiel effortlessly caught Dean as he fell into a deep sleep and scooped him up bridal style. “Get the door.” Castiel told Sam, and Castiel slid into the back seat, lying Dean down across the seat with his head cradled in Castiel’s lap. 

Sam went to take the Blade, but Castiel shook his head no. “Why not?” Sam demanded. “That thing is corrupting him, it's changing him. You saw his eyes Cas. He’s already started becoming a demon.” 

“Because Sam.” Castiel sighed. “We can’t take it away from him. He doesn’t believe we are really us, and if we take the Blade it will only enforce his beliefs. We need him to trust us.” 

Sam looked like he was going to challenge the idea but thankfully nodded his head in agreement. 

Castiel looked down at Dean. His face was bruised, his cheekbones stood out starkly from his thinner face, his lips looked fuller, and his freckles were more prominent against his pale skin, but he was still the most beautiful thing Castiel had ever seen. He gently ran his hand through Dean’s hair grimacing at the blood and whatever else was mixed in. 

Castiel felt sick inside that Dean was so convinced that Sam and Castiel didn’t care about him that he couldn’t even tell they were real and not some trick of a monster or demon, and Castiel surprisingly felt a few tears run down his face as the car rumbled toward the bunker. 

Castiel looked at Sam in the rear view mirror and saw similar tears on Sam’s face. Sam looked up and caught his gaze.

“Cas. He didn’t believe it was us.” Sam said sounding defeated. “How did things get so bad that he couldn’t believe that I would be there to help him, to find him?” 

Castiel just stared back a few seconds because nothing he could say would fix things, and it was so very, very sad. But in a warped way it made sense that Dean would feel that way after everything that Sam had put Dean through, everything the angels who sabotaged their relationship had put Dean through, and father knows what Abaddon did to him these last two months. 

They would just have to deal with it when Dean was feeling better, but for now Castiel just looked back down and continued to stare at Dean, stroking his face gently, thankful that he was back with his family.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I actually managed to get this chapter up tonight. The rest of the story is in draft form so it requires a lot more editing than the first half. I think a chapter every few days might be easier than posting 2 to 3 chapters at one time per week. I'll see how it goes. 
> 
> Thanks again for sticking with it. I'm guessing we are about two-thirds of the way through, but I don't actually have a chapter count. 
> 
> Please see triggers at the end.

Dean gasped awake at the feeling of wetness on his face, eyes popping open to see not-Sam and not-Cas, and not-Cas was wiping his face with a wet cloth. 

Dean jerked himself back looking around wildly because the last thing he remembered was they were outside near the car and now he was in, wait, what, the shower room at the bunker? Dean was still groggy when not-Cas’ voice penetrated the fog. 

“Dean.” Not-Cas said. “Look at me. It’s really us, okay. We're in the bunker. You know what that means. We can't be monsters if we’re in the bunker.” Cas explained talking slowly and calmly to Dean.

Dean snorted at that logic, aware enough to know that if he was in the bunker that statement wasn’t entirely true. Dean reached next to him and there was his Blade. “Why hadn’t they taken it from him?” Dean wondered as he wrapped his hand around the Blade's handle and felt the comforting rush of power as he became more aware. 

“Were they really in the bunker?” Dean asked himself still wary. He pushed himself up to his feet with the Blade in front of him in defense and backed up to the door and opened it. Dean looked down the familiar corridor, at the wards on the walls and yep he really was in the bunker. 

Dean looked back at not-Cas or I guess it really was Cas and Dean shivered in horror that he almost killed both he and Sam convinced they were not really them. Dean glared down at the Mark suspiciously wondering if it had been trying to get him to kill his friend and brother and then frowned harder at how insane that sounded. 

“I don't know, what, how? Dean asked still confused at how he came to be in the bunker.

“I put you to sleep because you were not thinking clearly.” Cas stated bluntly.

Dean snorted. “Yeah that’s an understatement.” Dean snarked, cringing again at the thought of how close Dean had come to hurting them. 

And as soon as Dean relaxed enough, admitting to himself he was in the bunker and it was really Sam and Cas in front of him, everything flooded back into his brain, including all the pain that he had been numb to up until that point. 

“Arrgh.” Dean yelled out before he could stop himself, and he stumbled back into the bathroom and slipped down onto the bench again. 

“What's wrong, Dean? Are you okay?” Sam asked looking worried as he stepped closer to Dean.

“Just give me a minute.” Dean wheezed out, breathing deep and pulling himself together as another tendril of suspicion wormed its way in Dean’s brain. Sam was looking worried, worried for Dean? “Why?” Dean wondered again, things still not making complete sense yet. 

Dean let out another groan before he could stop it. There wasn't a part of him that didn't ache at the moment. He was covered in bruises, cuts, and scrapes. Dean was pretty sure he had a couple of broken ribs, or at least some fractured ones, as well as a slash or two or three on his legs and sides. There was nothing life threatening, but it was all still pretty painful. 

The room blurred around him for a few seconds and then Dean peered up again at Sam and Cas, both standing by ready to grab him and help if needed. 

Again, Dean couldn’t understand why he was here at the bunker and why they looked worried. Something really big must be going on that they needed him for was the only explanation Dean could come up with. Maybe Metatron finally reared his head? Dean’s inner turmoil was interrupted by Sam’s voice causing Dean to startle a little bit.

“Dean. Ah we can’t tell how badly you’re injured or where you’re injured, you’re kinda covered in it.” Sam said waving his hand up and down at Dean. 

Dean looked at himself seeing the way too familiar sight of him covered in blood and guts. “Boy this has really become a thing with him.” Dean thought, his stomach twisting at the realization. 

“M’fine.” Dean said. “I’m just gonna shower okay?” Dean mumbled. He really just wanted to be alone to try to figure things out and to get clean. 

Thankfully after a few glances between each other they nodded and started to leave the room, but their silent communication didn’t go unnoticed and Dean’s chest clenched as a wave of loneliness engulfed him at finding himself on the outside of this new dynamic between the two. 

“Dean call us if you need us okay, okay Dean?” Cas repeated again when at first Dean didn’t answer. 

“Yeah sure okay.” Dean muttered his face turned away so they couldn’t see how he felt because Dean didn’t seem capable of hiding his emotions at the moment. Dean sighed in relief as soon as he was alone. 

After taking a few deep breaths, Dean stood up and peeled his gross jeans off his body. Dean winced as he started to walk to the shower stall, his cut up feet from being outside barefoot burned with every step. 

Dean sighed in pleasure when the scalding hot water hit his skin even though it caused him to jerk back in discomfort at first. Dean hadn’t been able to shower alone and for as long as he liked since he was captured and it felt like heaven. Dean stood there for as long as possible washing his body and hair over and over trying to wash away the taint from his time with Abaddon. 

When he was finished, Dean exited the shower and saw his duffle had been placed on the bench, and Dean mentally slapped himself for being so unaware as to not have heard someone enter the shower room. Dean grabbed the bag and quietly let himself into the corridor. 

Dean debated whether or not he should go to his old room, but quickly decided against it. This wasn’t his home anymore and that wasn’t his room anymore, and it would hurt too much to go in there and pretend. 

Already being back in the bunker was making Dean feel weird. He missed the bunker. He missed his room, and the kitchen and war room. Dean missed having a home and most of all he missed Sammy, Sammy his brother not the Sam Dean’s actions had caused him to turn into. 

So Dean ducked into the first guest room he came across and dug out some stale smelling boxers and sweats. “I guess his bag had been left in the Impala all this time.” Dean thought with a grimace. He would have to do laundry as soon as he got far enough away from the bunker. 

Dean was shaky and feeling weak so he sat on the bed, digging around through his duffle to pull out a first aid kit. 

Dean’s stomach rumbled but walking to the kitchen to get something to eat seemed like way too much effort right now so he dug around some more and came across a protein bar and bottle of water. 

Dean leaned back against the headboard, grimacing when he put pressure on a couple of open wounds on his back, and Dean could feel trickles of blood leaking out. He’d deal with those in a minute. 

Dean sat there slowly eating the protein bar and contemplating everything that happened. He couldn’t believe Abaddon was finally dead. After all those months of hunting her, all the anticipation of the big fight, it was finally over. 

Of course Dean couldn’t have killed her like a bad ass hunter, oh no he had to take her out while having sex like the whore he was. Dean snorted in self disgust as he heard his father derisive laughter in his head agreeing with him. 

Dean felt a little better after having eaten something and set about treating his wounds. Dean wondered why he was being left alone, but he figured they didn’t care enough to see how he was doing. 

They obviously brought him here to help with something, but Dean had no intention of staying. He would patch himself up and then was taking off. He’d help them but not from the bunker. 

Dean stitched his legs and side and covered his wounds with ointment and dressings but when it came to his back there was no way to twist or turn where he could stitch those cuts up. Cringing at what he had to do, Dean pulled out a knife and his tiny Bunsen burner and started heating up the knife. 

Shaking now, Dean tried to mentally prepare himself for the pain. He had done this quite a few times since the whole we’re not brothers decree when Sam would leave Dean to take care of his own wounds after hunts, never even asking if he was injured outside of what was obvious. 

Grimacing, Dean picked up the knife and felt the heat near his skin. The trembling increased and Dean started gasping for breath. Thinking about the pain of the burn, the smell of his flesh brought him back to “burn day,” which was the most horrific of all the tortures they did to him. 

And Dean couldn’t do it, damn it. His whole body started to shake and the knife fell to the floor, and Dean just curled up on the bed trying to get air into his lungs that were refusing to work all of a sudden. 

Dean gasped and a sob escaped that he couldn’t hold back. “Fuck! Relax!” Dean tried to tell himself, but his mind was back there, to that day, burn day, feeling again all the helplessness and agony. 

Dean tried to calm his breathing but his vision was darkening so he just curled up even more on the bed, screw the wounds on his back they would eventually stop bleeding. Dean knew he needed to get out of here, but he wasn't capable of anything right now other than trying to get past this wild panic that was sweeping through him. 

“Okay.” Dean thought to himself. “Relax, breathe, just stay here for about an hour or so and calm down.” Eventually the worst of the panic passed, and Dean had a strong urge to just stay lying down and cry like a baby, but he fought against that too. 

“Man up you worthless piece of shit!” Dean heard his dad shouting in his head. “Real men don't panic.” John had sneered shaking Dean like a rag doll, and Dean was sucked back into that memory of when the Striga had almost killed Sammy because Dean hadn't followed orders. Dean had had his first full blown panic attack after the adrenaline had worn off. 

Using the memory of the look of utter contempt that crossed his father's face when he showered Dean with punches and swings of the belt, Dean was finally able to bring himself back to the moment and push most of the panic back down. 

Dean had been captured and tortured before and he survived, and this time wouldn’t be any different he tried to convince himself. He was almost a knight of hell for Christ’s sake and here he was cowering on a bed. “Dad was right, I’m just so pathetic and weak.” Dean thought. 

When Dean finally got his breathing and panic under control, Dean tried and failed to find the energy to get up. Dean laid there and unable to fight his exhaustion any more, Dean drifted into a light sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers include panic attacks, flashbacks to child abuse, torture and self harm.


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone I hope you all had a good week. The next two chapters were actually just one but it got really long so I split it up. 
> 
> To sum up these next two chapters, one step forward and four steps back. 
> 
> See end for notes but nothing too bad in this chapter

Sam was pacing in Dean’s room where he and Cas were waiting. At 45 minutes he stopped himself from going to check on Dean figuring he wanted some privacy, but finally after more than an hour had passed Sam began to worry. 

“Dean should have been out of the shower by now." Sam said to Cas. "Maybe he passed out from his injuries or maybe he left.” Sam worried. A slight edge of panic crept in as he sprinted into the hallway.

Sam ran down to the shower room, and seeing no Dean ran to the garage and with relief noted the Impala was still there. 

“Where the hell did he go Cas?” Sam asked panic evident in his voice. Cas just shook his head and shrugged but looked worried too. 

On his way to check the library and then the kitchen, Sam thought he heard a soft groan as they made their way past the shower room and some guest rooms, and stopped suddenly. 

Castiel bumped into Sam from behind at his sudden lack of movement and grumbled, but Sam ignored him and listened again and yes he heard another what sounded like a painful moan and turned toward the room. 

He slowly opened the door and Sam relaxed when he saw Dean who was curled up on the bed, sleeping and groaning occasionally. Dean’s fists were tightened around the sheets and there were drying tear tracks on his face. 

Sam thought Dean looked impossibly young right now and Sam's heart squeezed at the picture. It was hard to reconcile that just hours before Dean had been a crazed killing machine with dark eyes barely holding onto his humanity. 

As Sam’s eyes scanned over Dean’s bruised and battered body, he hated to think of what new hell Dean had suffered through. Sam wished more than anything that this could just be over and he could just have his big brother back.

Sam walked further into the room and noted Dean had cleaned his own wounds and even stitched himself up, but there were a couple of deep cuts that were still bleeding on his back. 

Sam heard Cas’ breath hitch behind him and turned in question. At Cas’ pointed look, Sam took in the Bunsen burner still on and the knife that had fallen to the floor still hot enough to be steaming slightly.

“OMG.” Sam thought his eyes flying over to Dean who having roused at the sound of them in the room was sitting up and wiping his face, trying to pretend he hadn't been crying. 

“What the fuck is that Dean?” Sam yelled, sick at the thought of what Dean was going to do, and then it clicked in Sam’s brain. This explained the weird feather-like marks on Dean’s back Sam saw in that motel room after he found Dean.

Sick to his stomach and appalled at the thought of Dean cauterizing his own wounds, Sam felt ashamed and guilty that he had left Dean to deal with his wounds by himself and had closed himself off so much that Dean felt he couldn’t even ask for help because Sam remembered that several of those were months old which meant they happened before they had split up. Sam was also frustrated because Dean was so stubborn to not have asked for help anyway. 

Later Sam would blame it on the emotional roller coaster of the day combined with these unwanted feelings of shame and worry that morphed into Sam’s default of late, pure anger. I mean what the fuck! All Dean had to do was come and ask them for help and not resort to this. Sam again cursed his stubborn brother ignoring the voice in his head saying Sam was being unfair. 

But before Sam could get a hold of himself he stalked over to Dean and pulled him up from the bed shaking him slightly as he glared at him. 

Dean’s eyes snapped to Sam’s and for a moment there was pure terror reflected out of the teary eyes and Sam cringed, but then Dean blinked and his eyes hardened and he pushed Sam away. 

“Get off me.” Dean yelled and Sam stumbled back with the push and he felt Cas stabilize him with a hand on his arm. 

“Dean what the fuck is this? Sam yelled pointing the Bunsen burner. “What the hell! We are right here to help.” Sam spat out throwing his hands up in the air.

“I don’t need your help.” Dean snarled and Cas quickly inserted himself between the two before things got out of hand. 

“Dean.” Cas said gently. “Let me heal you and then we can talk okay?” 

“No.” Dean said backing up causing himself to sit back down on the bed. “Don’t waste your grace Cas I’m fine.” Dean said waving his hand dismissively while looking up at Castiel with a closed off expression. 

“You’re not fine.” Castiel said. And too tired to deal with Dean’s stubbornness, Castiel reached out and touched Dean’s forehead before he could protest again. 

Dean tried to jerk away but Castiel grabbed the back of his neck with his other hand. As soon as Castiel’s released some grace to heal Dean, he felt a painful bolt of electricity go through his hand, and then Castiel was pushed back by an invisible force so hard it almost caused Castiel to fall down. 

Dean’s eyes widened in shock at the bolt of electricity he felt shoot through him clearly originating from the Mark when Cas’ grace tried to heal Dean. It didn’t hurt Dean but he could tell he hurt Cas. The Mark was screaming and then Dean felt energy push out of him that unbelievably physically pushed Cas backwards. 

“What the hell!” Dean exclaimed. “Cas are you okay?” Dean asked in concern putting a hand out to grab Cas but then hesitating afraid of what would happen.

Cas just shook his head and he frowned looking up at Dean with worry and confusion. “Dean I can’t heal you. I think, I think the Mark is blocking me.” Castiel said his eyes wide with shock. 

“What, that doesn’t make any…!” Dean said as his mind started racing. “But the angel healed me.” Dean muttered to himself in confusion, trying to figure out what was going on. 

“What angel?” Cas asked. “What are you talking about?” But Dean ignored him lost in thought. “Dean.” Cas growled out. “What angel?”

“It must have been the cuffs.” Dean thought and then looked up at Cas, repeating himself louder this time. “It must have been the cuffs.”

“Dean you're not making any sense.” Sam said. “What the hell are you talking about?” Sam's confusion and exacerbation unfortunately came across as more anger to Dean whose face closed up at Sam’s tone of voice. 

“I don’t know, I guess....” Dean said still trying to figure out what was happening. Finally Dean looked up at Cas and explained. ‘There were these cuffs that blocked the Mark, that’s how come I couldn’t get away, and just before I would die from the torture an angel working for Abaddon would heal me so it must have been the cuffs.” 

Castiel flinched when Dean talked about being tortured to the point of death and being healed, and he shuddered thinking about that happening over and over to Dean. Castiel knew what hell was like for souls and he was amazed that Dean had survived that again. 

And now Castiel is finding out that an angel had gone rouge and was working with Abaddon. “What kind of angel would do that and how did Castiel not know about it?” Castiel vowed to get to the bottom of that later, appalled at the whole situation. 

“It was definitely the Mark.” Dean said with confidence. “I felt it reject your grace.”

After a minute or so of uncomfortable silence, each lost in their own thoughts, Sam cleared his throat and taking a deep breath to calm down asked Dean why he was in this room. 

Dean rolled across the bed to stand on the other side, feeling claustrophobic with Sam and Cas so close and blocking him into a corner. 

“I needed a place to get changed and patched up.” Dean said while slipping on the sweats and pulling out a clean T-shirt. 

“That’s not what I meant.” Sam said gritting his teeth in frustration. Dean damn well knew what Sam meant. 

“We were waiting for you in your room, what are you doing in this room?” Sam asked after taking another deep breath to calm down. 

“I don’t have a room here Sam. This isn’t my home anymore and that’s not my room anymore.” Dean said calmly while Sam visibly recoiled at his words. 

“Look Dean.” Sam said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I was…” Sam started to explain but was cut off by Dean. 

“Oh you meant it.” Dean growled back. “Just like you meant every punch you threw at me that night, and every silence you punished me with and every time you pushed me away when I asked for you help.” Dean yelled, and for the first time since the whole mess started Dean let his anger out instead of backing down with guilt and remorse for how badly Dean had screwed things up. 

Sam looked ashamed for about a second before the familiar bitch face took its place, and Sam opened his mouth to argue but Castiel stepped in front of Sam again and whispered something to him. 

Sam glared down at Castiel but then nodded and spun around leaving the room and slamming the door behind him. 

“Can you believe him?” Dean scoffed turning to Castiel. 

“Dean.” Castiel said, ignoring that comment. “I need to talk to you.”

“Oh what you're taking his side, figures.” Dean fumed.

“No, I, Dean please sit down I need to talk to you.” Castiel said rubbing his hand down his trench coat with nervous energy. 

“Okay.” Dean said noticing the anxious look on Cas’ face. Dean sat back down on the bed and slapped his hands to his knees. “What do you need me to do, hit me with it? 

Castiel turned tilted his head in confusion. “I don't want to hit.., I mean I don't want.., Dean.” Cas huffed. “I need to explain what happened and why I didn't return your calls or answer your prayers.” 

“Oh.” Dean said, deflating and wanting to be anywhere else. Dean didn't need to hear all the ways he screwed up, all the ways he let Cas down that resulted in him turning his back on him. Dean knew, he knew all too well the mistakes he made. 

“Listen Cas.” Dean said. “I get it okay. No need to beat a dead horse. I'm just gonna go okay. Let me know what you need and I'll take care of it, but I can't stay here.” Dean sat up and started to grab his duffle but hesitated when Cas sat down and looked up at Dean a serious and apologetic look on his face. 

Dean sighed and sat back down. Cas was sitting in the chair near the door and for a few minutes they just stared at each other, but it was not the normal get lost in each other's eye stare, but one regarding the other with suspicion and hurt and the other with sadness and regret. 

“Dean.” Cas started finally breaking the awkward silence, but Dean really, really didn’t want to talk about this and shook his head no. But Cas persisted. “Dean you need to know some things okay. I didn't ignore you.”

At that Dean snorted in disbelief, and then quickly looked down to hide the tears that sprang unbidden in Dean’s eyes, but he listened as Cas told him about the angels messing with his phone and putting up a sigil to block Dean's prayers. 

Dean could see and hear how sorry Cas was from his tone of voice and the look in his eyes, hell his whole demeanor, but Dean still felt a hollow burning pit of despair in his chest. 

“Cas.” Dean said causing the angel to look up at him and stop talking. “I get that it was the angels and I even get on some level why they did it, but here's the thing Cas.” Dean said leaning forward with his hands on his knees his eyes full of pain. “In all that time, you never called me, not once.” Dean said voice cracking. 

“But I did not know you called and left messages Dean.” Cas said confused as to why the explanation didn't just make things magically alright. 

“I know, I get that Cas.” Dean said taking a deep breath. “But all those months YOU didn't call ME. I didn't have to call you and leave messages, pray to you or text you in the past, and you would check in with me from time to time. Hell, there were times when you would just call to talk. But Cas, you didn't call me, not once in all that time. If you did you would have realized what the angels were doing right away.”

Dean took another shuttering breath, unable to stop the crocodile tears from falling anymore and stared at Cas. “YOU didn't call ME Castiel, not once in all those months, so what does that say about our relationship, about what you really think about me now?” Dean asked his voice a hoarse whisper.

Castiel looked stricken at Dean's words and tried to come up with an argument to dispute what Dean was saying, but he realized he couldn't. 

Castiel looked at Dean and saw all the hurt and abandonment and pain swirling through his broken and darkening soul, and Castiel had no words to fix things. Because father help him, Dean was right. Why hadn't Castiel called him? He had called and texted Sam, which he never did in the past, he always went through Dean first, so why had this time been different? 

“Dean, I.., I don't know what to say Dean, how to explain.” Castiel said his eyes wide. Castiel had been so focused on the betrayal by the angels and furious that they dared do something so callous he neglected to realize that he was at fault here too. 

Fear spread through Castiel’s body because in this moment he didn’t think he would be able to make things better, to make Dean understand that despite everything Dean was still important to Castiel. 

“Dean please.” Castiel entreated his own eyes filling with tears now as his stomach churned with guilt and panic. “I still care about you. I still value our friendship more than anything. And I'll still do whatever it takes to help you.” 

“No. You actually won't Cas. I think this proves it.” Dean said brokenly and he pressed his fingers to his eyes to stop the tears. He was so tired of being weak and feeling so lost and alone. And as much as Dean wanted to sweep this under the rug and try to go back to the way things were, he just couldn’t. 

Again, Castiel’s mind was scrambling to find the right words, the right course of action, anything to erase that look from Dean’s eyes, but he was at a loss. Just then Sam came back into the room carrying a tray with some sandwiches, water and an apple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> references to torture


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of last chapter. All mistakes are mine.

Sam opened the door and stepped into the room, carrying the food Cas told him to go and get in order to allow him a moment to calm down and because Dean must be hungry as he extended a lot of energy during that fight and who knows how regularly he was given food when he was a prisoner.

Sam paused at the heaviness in the air. You could practically cut the tension with a knife in the room when Sam walked in. 

Sam looked at Cas who resembled a kicked puppy and appeared on the verge of tears, his eyes wide and anxious. Sam then turned to Dean, and his eyes showed such immense pain that Sam gasped and stepped back a little bit. 

“What the hell had happened when I was gone?” Sam wondered. He figured Cas would tell Dean about the sabotage and everything would be fine, and then they could just concentrate on getting that Mark off Dean before he fully turned into a demon. 

At the continued tense silence, Sam put the tray down on the desk by the bed. “You should eat something Dean, you must be hungry.” Sam said still on edge from earlier and Sam just hoped Dean would take the peace offering. Dean just stiffened and wiped harshly at his face to get rid of the tears and then shook his head. 

“I'm not hungry Sam. I'm just going to take off okay.” Dean announced as he got up and started to grab his duffle bag again.

Sam looked over to Castiel for help, but Castiel was still staring at the floor deep in thought. 

His stomach flipping with nerves, Sam stepped in front of Dean when Dean went to move toward the door. 

“What the hell Sam?” Dean said stopping short. “Get out of the way.” He ordered, but Sam didn't budge. 

“Look Dean. Sit down, we need to talk.” Sam said widening his stance a bit and holding his ground. 

“I'm all talked out.” Dean said trying to move around Sam, but Sam didn't budge. Dean looked up anger sparking in his eyes again. “Move out of the way Sam.” Dean demanded. 

“I’m sorry Dean.” Sam said as he took out his phone and punched a few buttons. Then all the lights powered down in the bunker, flashed for a few seconds and then powered back up. 

“What the hell was that?” Dean said, his body tensing with the possibility of some kind of threat. 

“Dean.” Sam yelled bringing Dean's attention to him. “I didn't want to do it this way but the bunker's locked down, you’re not going anywhere.” 

Sam felt his heart start to race as his words sunk into Dean and Dean went still, very very still, and his eyes flared with anger and defiance. 

“You’re not keeping me here Sam.” What the hell is going on?” Dean growled.

“Dean. We saw your eyes back there when you were escaping. You're halfway to a demon and we need to stop it before you turn fully.” Sam explained.

When Sam stepped in front of Dean blocking his way, Dean felt anger but he also started to feel a little hopeful. While keeping his angry façade he started to think that maybe they really wanted him here and didn't want him to leave. That Sam was starting to care about Dean again and wanted to take care of him, maybe mend the fences a bit, so after the first attempt to get around Sam he stood still waiting to see what would happen next. 

Dean's heart was pounding as he waited to hear Sam say the words that would make Dean feel wanted and welcome, safe and loved, but Sam just pulled out his phone, punched in some numbers and then the whole bunker powered down and then back up. 

"What the hell?" Dean thought his mind racing. "Did the bunker get attacked, is there someone in here." Dean questioned, but Dean quickly dismissed that thought as Sam and Cas looked completely calm, as though nothing had happened. 

And then Sam told him he couldn't leave because he was turning into a demon and they had to stop it from happening. "Dean, we saw your eyes back there when you were escaping, you're halfway to a demon and we need to stop it before you turn fully.” Sam said calmly and Dean felt a little of the tension give in his chest. They really did just want to help Dean. 

But then Sam continued. “Do you know how many people you could hurt or kill if you fully turn Dean? We don’t know how any of this is going to play out. Even halfway turned, you could be violent and unpredictable, and people need to be protected. It's just not safe to let you out of the bunker right now." Sam had the gall to say to Dean, and that small tendril of hope fizzled out and was replaced with shock.

Dean heard Cas trying to shush Sam and stop him from talking, but Sam just shrugged Cas' hand off his arm and continued his little spiel and with each word that fell out of Sam's mouth, Dean's heart shriveled up more. 

This was so much worse then if they just brought Dean here because they needed him for something. This was because, holy shit, Dean gasped as the pieces fell into place and his body started to tremble in shock as unbearable pain swept through him. No, this was because they thought Dean was the next big bad, a threat to be neutralized, a monster to be taken care of. 

Dean tried his best to put on a brave face not wanting to give them the satisfaction of seeing how much their actions had torn Dean apart. And as calm as he could mange Dean snarled. "So let me get this straight. You two only brought me to the bunker to stop me from hurting people. Not because you care, not because I'm family, not because I'm hurt and was held captive and tortured for months, but because I'm dangerous?" Dean finished with a shout, his voice rising with each item he listed while his soul simultaneously screamed in pain. 

Dean's face could have been carved from granite it was so hard and cold as he continued. "And your solution is to lock me up again after I've been held prisoner for months?" Dean spat in disbelief.

Sam's expression faltered for a minute as Dean’s words hit home, but then hardened again. "Yeah Dean, we want to protect innocent people, but that’s not all. We want to help you too. Come on Dean.” Sam cajoled. “Do you want to become a demon? Let us figure out how to get the Mark off your arm and stop all this.” Sam finished.

If looks could kill Sam was pretty sure he would be a melted pile of skin and bones right now as Dean’s eyes blazed at him, his eyes glittering sharp cuts of emerald in their fury. Sam felt shaky and like he was going to puke. "How did he manage to mess this up again?" Sam asked himself. 

The look of utter betrayal that flashed across Dean's face when Sam explained why they weren't going to let Dean leave almost made Sam change his mind. Sam realized he totally approached this the wrong way and after months of beating himself up for doing exactly the same thing, Sam had once again let anger get the better of him and hurt Dean in the process. 

Well, it is what it is now, and Sam could only hope that no matter how it was accomplished by having Dean back in the bunker it would give Sam time to make Dean understand that is not just about protecting the world, and it was more about Sam caring about Dean and wanting to help him. 

But right now Dean was looking at Sam in a way he never had before, even with the whole Ruby fiasco Dean never looked at Sam like this, like Sam was a total stranger, the enemy. Sam felt the bile rise in his throat. 

Dean stood still in front of Sam, his mind scrambling to come to terms with everything Sam had just said to him. 

When Dean heard that the bunker was locked down, at first Dean had started to feel that panic rise up in him again. Dean didn't want to be locked up again, but as he crossed his arms against his chest Dean felt the slightly hard nub of the crystal Crowley had inserted into his arm and remembered Crowley whispering to Dean that he would always be able to find Dean now and get to him no matter what sigils or wards were in place, so Dean could in fact leave whenever he wanted, he just had to call for Crowley. That knowledge made Dean calm down, but he was still angry, hell he was beyond furious and he sure as shit wasn't going to let these two chuckle-heads know he had a way out of here. 

So Dean took a calming breath and weighed his options. He still needed to do research on the vampire ritual and the Mark, and he begrudgingly admitted the obvious that he didn't want to change into a demon and he was scared he was close based on his reactions and the shade of his eyes at times with Abaddon, and most especially how close he came to completely giving up control after killing her and the big fight to escape. 

Dean decided he would let them think they won this one and would make sure there was nothing in the bunker left for him to research and then he would take off. 

"Okay Sam. We'll play this your way. So what's the plan? You gonna lock me up in the dungeon or am I allowed to be free in the bunker?" Dean asked pleased to see the stricken look on Sam's face at his words. 

"No, Dean, of course not." Sam stuttered out as hurt flashed through his eyes that Dean would think Sam would put him in the dungeon. "You can go anywhere in the bunker, you just can't leave yet. It's only temporary." Sam said, turning on his puppy dog eyes begging Dean to understand, but Dean ignored them.

"We'll figure this out." Sam said sincerely reaching out to grasp Dean's shoulder, but Dean jerked back away from the touch. "Don't touch me, just leave me alone." Dean sneered throwing his duffel down hard on the bed.

Sam hesitated looking like he was rearing up for either another argument or worse one of those feeling talks, but Castiel pulled Sam's arm tugging him away from Dean. 

Castiel looked at Dean trying his best to imitate Sam's puppy eyes, he said softly. "We're sorry Dean, we really just want to help. It may not look like it to you but we're really glad you're back and safe." Cas looked like he too was going to reach out and touch Dean but thankfully he didn't.

Dean snorted and turned his back on them, struggling for control. Taking the hint finally, he heard them leave the room and close his door softly.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, this chapter is pretty short but it needed to be split here. See end for triggers. 
> 
> A great big thank you goes out to AnotherWorld3111 for helping me with some of the paragraphs, but any mistakes are all mine. 
> 
> I have the next couple of chapters just about ready to go so it should only be a few days. My son is coming home from college for Thanksgiving so I am hoping to post 2 to 3 chapters and then relax until next week.

Dean was wallowing. He knew it, and a few days passed and he was still doing it.

Dean laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The last few months were running through his mind in a loop. So far, he'd only ventured out to shower or to grab food and liquor. The latter, to his dismay, wasn't actually getting him drunk anymore, which Dean suspected as he glared down at it not for the first time, was most likely due to the Mark's influence.

And Dean was tired, bone deep exhausted, but when he tried to sleep he had nightmares. Dean felt Abaddon’s hands all over him, he re-lived the tortures he was forced to endure and to inflict on the demons. But then... his vision would become obscured by a film of gray. And that was it. The very next second, Dean would find himself being jerked out of his sleep, shouting "no" as his heart pounded, his body shaking and dripping with sweat. 

Dean thought he had hit the lowest of the low, but then dealing with the betrayal he felt at Sam and Cas wanting to keep him locked up in the bunker to “protect” the world until they could “fix” him brought a whole new level of hurt. 

So Dean laid on the bed wallowing in his pain, betrayal, fear and loneliness. 

Dean was all alone. 

Dean always knew this would happen one day but it was still devastating. 

Dean had nobody anymore, well other than Crowley, and that probably had changed now too since Abaddon was dead and Crowley technically didn’t need Dean anymore. 

Yeah Crowley said he would come for Dean whenever he called, but would he really? Crowley was back in hell ruling the roost just like he wanted, so what did the King of Hell need a broken human on his way to burning up or becoming the first human demon for? 

Dean’s breath hitched in despair at his thoughts. He wondered again why the only people or things for that matter who really wanted him, wanted him to stay with them forever, were monsters. 

Why was it that the only family he had disowned him, left him over and over, abused him and sold him; his only worth was a soldier, a plaything for his father’s sadistic tendencies and a meal ticket for the family. Dean was just an obedient soldier whose entire existence was forged around protecting his brother. Watch out for Sammy was drilled into Dean, into the very core of his being. 

Dean would always protect Sam and he never regretted that responsibility. But why was it there was never a watch out for yourself. There was never anyone to take care of Dean when he was hurt or sick or sad. There was never anyone to teach him all the milestones of life that Dean taught and guided Sam through. 

No Sam got all the love and Dean got the fists and orders. 

And Dean would wonder from time to time, especially in situations like this where his emotions were stripped raw and his walls were lying in crumbles around him.

Why?

What was so twisted and wrong in Dean that his own father couldn't love him, would want those things from him, do all those things to him? 

What had he done that he couldn’t hold onto the family he so desperately wanted, where he was forced to watch as everyone he ever loved walked away.

Why did he attract these monsters, human and supernatural, who only wanted to own him and possess him and never just love him?

Dean thought about hell, and the person he had spent more time with than he was technically alive, 40 whole years. He was Dean’s everything in hell, his torturer, his dad, his teacher, his master. 

Alistair. 

But even Alistair for all his words only wanted Dean in a possessive obsessive way, his perfect apprentice to carry out his teachings, a new animal carved from Alistair’s own hands, and a personal fuck toy to use and abuse. 

And Abaddon, well Dean believed she actually loved him, as much as an evil demon bitch could love a human, but she was filled with madness. Dean knew that outcome would have been the same as Kate, another only wanting him in an obsessive way, under their complete control and leaving him with no free will. 

Yeah, those were the people Dean attracted. Everyone else always left. His mother was right. 

“Everybody leaves you Dean, maybe it's not them, maybe it's you?” 

Of course it was Dean thought feeling a crushing sadness as tears leaked down the side of his face. 

The only roles Dean seemed to fill in this world were a brother/pseudo parent, a blunt little instrument/hole to use, a hunter, a tossed aside angel condom, and a fuck toy for demons and monsters. 

His dad was gone, his brother was no longer his brother, his angel was no longer his best friend, and Dean couldn’t hunt, semi-locked away in what used to be his home and on the verge of losing himself to the Mark. 

Dean’s mind thought back to famine telling Dean he was already dead inside and that was years ago before all this other shit had happened. If he was dead inside back then, what the hell was he now? 

Dean felt a surge from the Mark as if it was responding to his thoughts and feelings, and Dean felt it slithering out to fill up more of Dean’s emptiness. 

Dean wanted the Mark gone, he really did, and he was absolutely terrified at what he would become if he couldn’t get rid of it. 

But at times like this, when the Mark filled Dean’s empty spaces, when he felt it fusing his shattered and crushed soul back together, Dean had to admit he would miss the Mark. 

And most especially Dean would miss the power. 

Dean’s mind drifted once more, going back to Abaddon. Dean shuddered again at the ghost feeling of her hands all over his body, her manic smile, and the overwhelming feeling of helplessness with his hands always cuffed and the Mark’s power suppressed, trapped beneath a thick layer of cottony power. 

“Wait a minute.” 

“What if...?” 

Dean slowly sat up as an idea started to form in his brain. The cuffs..., the sigils....

“Damn!” Dean said out loud his voice rough from disuse as he realized he might actually be onto something here. 

What if he could do something with that? Not to shut the Mark down entirely, but find a way to keep control? 

Dean’s mind immediately started racing as he reached for some paper and started sketching out the sigils that were engraved on the cuffs. He worked for a few hours squinting in the bad lighting of the room before he finally accepted the fact that he would have to venture out to the library to research. There were two sigils he couldn’t quite remember, and he needed to try to find them. 

Dean was feeling energized for the first time in a long time as he finally emerged from his funk because he now had a purpose. Plus Dean knew he still needed to find a way out of that vampire ritual just in case Kate popped up again, but he had a feeling she was long gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean reflects on everything that has happened, which includes him remembering torture, rape and child abuse.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I hope everyone is having a great weekend. This chapter has some insight into Castiel, Dean is the angry one and Sam is well not handling things the right way. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine.
> 
> See end for triggers, although there are only mild ones.

Castiel sighed wearily where he sat at the war table sipping coffee. The last couple of days in the bunker had been very stressful with everyone tiptoeing around each other. Dean was still hurt and pissed, but he had finally ventured out from his room after a few days to work on something in the library. 

Unfortunately, Dean still refused to talk to them aside from relating more of the story Cain told him to help with their research. 

Castiel visibly shuddered thinking about how Dean had described the moment Cain offered him the Mark and how the house had been surrounded by demons. They could have lost Dean then while he and Sam were here safe at the bunker clueless as to what was happening. Who knows what would have happened if Cain had not come back. 

Castiel also didn’t like the fact that Dean seemed to admire Cain, which sat all kinds of wrong with Castiel. Cain was the father of murder, not a hero to be admired. 

Castiel caught himself staring at Dean again. Dean was hunched over some notes and books spread out around him in the middle table in the library, which was far enough away from Castiel and Sam to discourage talking but close enough for Dean to keep an eye out for them. 

Dean looked at them like his enemies now and it hurt Castiel deeply. They had gone about things the wrong way at a time when Dean was in a bad place, and now everything was messed up. 

Castiel had been thinking a lot about what Dean had said about him not contacting Dean all those months, and Dean was right. Castiel had thrown himself into the angel war and his role as commander while shutting Dean out because it was easier to gain the angels trust without Dean’s presence looming over them.

When Castiel had taken off without a word when Dean had been kidnapped by the vampire, he knew in the eyes of the angels that was Castiel once again putting Dean first. 

Castiel was so thankful and amazed that the angels had put their trust in him to lead them, to take on Metatron and find a way back to heaven after everything Castiel had done and all the angels he had killed. And Castiel didn’t want lose that trust. It felt good to be needed by his brothers and sisters and to feel like he was a part of his family again. Castiel also wanted to do everything he could to right a wrong that he unknowingly played a part in. 

Castiel had figured keeping in touch with Sam was enough because he thought Sam would tell him if anything was wrong and if Dean was not alright. 

Castiel cursed himself looking back at the times he wanted to come and check on Dean in person and how he had allowed himself to get distracted by one emergency after the other, which in hindsight were just attempts by the angels to keep Castiel and Dean separated. 

Castiel’s eyes burned blue in fury again thinking about how wrong he had been to assume Sam would tell Castiel what was happening, and how he was completely unaware of how how bad things were between the brothers. Castiel wished he knew that Sam was shutting Dean completely out and that their relationship had been torn to pieces. 

Castiel’s anger grew when he thought about the angels who had sabotaged his phone, his attempts to visit, his receiving Dean’s prayers. But Castiel was even angrier and disappointed in himself. 

Castiel had let Dean down. Dean who was the most important person in the world to Castiel. Since the beginning of time, no one thing, human, or angel had meant more to Castiel than Dean, and he had shut him out. Castiel had failed to protect his charge and worse he had failed to be there for Dean while Dean’s life shattered into pieces. 

Castiel took a few breaths to calm himself down. What’s done is done. The two angels escaped so Castiel couldn’t punish them and Sam was beside himself with guilt already so Castiel couldn’t add to that, which left him with the momentous task of trying to figure out how to get Dean to open up to him again.

Castiel’s phone dinged and after forwarding the text from Hannah to Sam he went over to where Dean was sitting. 

When Dean saw Castiel approaching he shut his notebook so Castiel couldn’t see what he was working on. Dean just looked up at him waiting for whatever Castiel wanted. 

"Dean." Castiel said pausing but continued on when Dean just continued to look at him not saying anything. 

Castiel cleared his throat and tried again. "Dean, since I’m staying here for a while..." And Castiel’s words faltered a bit when Dean’s eyes narrowed and hardened. 

"Some angels are going to be coming to stay at the bunker a few days at a time to liaison and learn some computer skills from Sam." Castiel explained his words a bit rushed due to his nerves. 

Dean’s eyes narrowed further. "And you’re telling me this why?" Dean asked with not a trace of warmth in his tone. 

"Just you know." Castiel said looking down, running his fingers along the edge of the table. 

"I just wanted to see if you were comfortable with that, if it was okay?" 

Dean leaned back in his chair crossing his arms over his chest and lifted an eyebrow. "Well Cas." Dean drawled. “I don’t have a say in what happens around here so why are you telling me this. Go talk to Sam." 

"Dean. I don’t want to do anything that would make you uncomfortable." Castiel said staring into Dean’s eyes in earnest. 

Dean spat out a dark laugh. "Well that’s hysterical." Dean sneered. "Okay if that's true then how about you let me take off. That would make me comfortable." 

"Dean." Castiel said. "You know we can’t, we..." 

"Save it." Dean said cutting Castiel off and then turned his attention back to the table opening up a book. 

Castiel stood there for a few seconds and noticed Dean was looking at a book on Enochian symbols. "I could help you with whatever you’re working on." Castiel volunteered pointing to the book, but Castiel’s stomach sank when Dean just turned to glare at him, anger and betrayal shining in his green eyes. 

After another minute or two of awkward silence, Castiel sighed and walked out of the room, his shoulders drooping in defeat. 

The next day Dean was sitting at the second table in the library again with a different stack of books on either side of him and his notes spread out in front of him. Dean huffed in frustration. He couldn’t remember the last 2 sigils. His brain was refusing to cooperate. 

It was amazing, Dean had looked at those cuffs every day for two months, but he knew something still wasn't right in what he was remembering. 

Dean glared down at the Mark yet again wondering if it was trying to stop Dean from what he was trying to do, but then Dean scoffed at the thought feeling foolish. He really was becoming paranoid. 

Of course, Dean fumed to himself, if he was able to go back and get the cuffs it wouldn't have been a problem, but when Dean told Sam he needed to go back to Abaddon's, Sam wanted to know why and Dean refused to tell him. 

It was not his business and a part of Dean didn't trust Sam not to use the cuffs against him, so if they were going to treat Dean like some monster that had to be fixed, he would do this on his own. So Dean just told him he needed to look for something that might still be there. 

Sam stood looking down at Dean contemplating for a few minutes and Dean actually thought Sam was going to do the right thing and take him, but then Sam had the gall and actual fucking gall to pull a set of demon cuffs out of his pocket and told Dean that was fine but Dean was wearing these. 

Dean just stared in disbelief at Sam. Not only was Dean forcing himself to go back to the place where he was tortured, raped and held prisoner, but Sam wanted him to do it in chains. 

Dean shot out of the chair he was sitting on so fast it almost fell over, and he glared at Sam. The spike from the Mark at the moment was almost too much for Dean to hold back. The Mark was pushing Dean to grab Sam's big head and twist his neck until he heard a satisfying snap. 

It was more difficult to keep a check on the Mark lately, and Dean stubbornly convinced himself it was due to the two months of having the Mark suppressed and not for any other reason. Definitely not because he was so much closer to totally losing himself to the Mark. 

Dean took a deep breath to calm himself. He grabbed a hold of his arm squeezing tightly over the Mark, and snarled at Sam his words and eyes full of the contempt he felt at that moment and demanded in a low dangerous voice. 

“Walk away from me.”

Sam realizing his mistake stepped back at the look in Dean's eyes. Sam's expression faltered for a minute.

“Now!” Dean yelled. 

Sam paled, flashed a guilty look at Dean and then left the room quickly. 

Dean looked up and locked eyes with Castiel who was standing by ready to intervene if Dean attacked. Again Dean's heart twisted and his stomach felt sour that Cas felt a need to protect Sam from Dean. Dean felt all the anger drain out of him and he had to stop himself from drooping in despair. 

Dean was doing everything in his power to keep control while he figured these sigils out. “Well you know what.” Dean thought to himself as he managed to push down the despair. “Fuck them.” He was just so done. 

Their eyes had remained locked through Dean’s mental yo-yo, and Dean forced himself to grin. “Cas, not for nothing, but the last person who looked at me like that, I got laid.” Dean said followed by a wink and a smile. Dean enjoyed the blush and uncomfortable look that spread across Cas's face at his words as he sat down to continue working.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief mention of torture and rape.


	41. Chapter 41

A couple of hours later, Dean looked up to see Sam and Cas across the room whispering to each other and looking over at Dean occasionally. Fed up Dean yelled. “What!” Snickering as they both jumped at his loud shout. 

Cas walked over to Dean while Sam took off for the electrical room. 

“Dean. We have to open the doors to let the angels in. Can I trust you to stay here?” Castiel asked in a soft voice as if that would make what he said easier to take.

Dean looked up his face flashing hurt and betrayal before closing off in a cold mask of anger. 

“Yeah Castiel.” Dean said smirking at the slight flinch from Cas when Dean used his full name. “I'll be a good boy and behave.”

“Dean. I'm sorry..” Cas started to say, but Dean just turned back to his notes dismissing him. 

Soon after the lights powered down and back up again. Dean briefly considered making a run for it, knowing he would actually be able to get by Castiel without an issue, but he decided to stick with his plan to do his research and then when he was ready call Crowley to come and get him. 

Dean looked up as three angels started down the stairs, rolling his eyes as Sam quickly fiddled with his phone and once again the bunker was locked down. 

There was one female, who was petite with long dark straight hair. She had an open and wondering look on her face, and her eyes were focused on Dean while she came down the stairs. 

The other two were males. One was in his 50s, and he had a blue collar type vibe to him. He was fit but messy, and he kind of reminded Dean of Bobby right down to the baseball cap on the angel’s head. 

The other angel was clearly a military man. He was tall and looked strong with a stocky build. He had a crew cut and piercing hate filled eyes that locked with Dean's, and Dean felt an instant shiver down his spine. 

Those eyes looked familiar, but Dean couldn’t remember ever meeting this angel before. The Mark was going nuts, and Dean squirmed under the angel’s look a bit but he stared right back until the angel looked away from Dean, his gaze finding Castiel who was walking over to welcome them. 

“Sam, Dean.” Castiel said. “This is Hael, Josefiel and Ephraim.” Cas said introducing them. Josefiel was the blue collar guy and Ephraim was the military guy. 

Dean didn't get up. He just waved and said. “Welcome to cell block MOL.” Dean chuckled in amusement at the confused looks on the four angel's faces and the tightening of Sam's face as he gritted his teeth at Dean's statement. 

Dean smiled warmly at Hael, which caused her to blush and look down, which in turn caused military guy to practically growl outright at Dean. Castiel also had a weird look on his face, but it was directed at Hael and not Dean, and Dean wondered what brought that on. 

Dean heard Sam tell them to make themselves comfortable as Sam gestured to a couple of laptops to start showing them whatever it was they came by to learn, so Dean tuned them out. 

A little while later, Dean looked up when he felt a presence next to him, and Hael was standing by his chair and she was just staring at him.

Dean stood up smiling again because she was very open in her expression and was nice to be around someone who looked honest and without an ulterior motive. It was hard to meet people like that nowadays, let alone an angel. 

“Hi sweetheart.” Dean said with his typical Dean Winchester panty drop smile. “What can I do for you?”

Hael blushed beet red again and flexed her hands a few times clearly wanting to reach out to Dean but controlling herself. “I just heard so much about you. The righteous man. I'm really happy to finally be able to meet you.” She gushed. 

“Sorry to disappoint.” Dean said still smiling. “But I'm no righteous man, especially now.” He said flexing his right arm a bit gesturing to the Mark. 

“Oh no.” Hael said. “Your soul, it’s just so... I mean…” She stumbled and it was kind of adorable. “I can see the cracks and the blackness from the Mark.” 

Dean cringed at that description, but Hael quickly shook her head no and grabbed onto Dean's arm with her hands. “Don’t. She said at Dean’s stricken look. 

“Despite that, it’s still really amazing. Your soul is still so much brighter than anyone’s I’ve seen, and you, your... just so…” She paused peering up at Dean through her eyelashes. 

Dean just raised an eyebrow feeling slight mollified by her words, and he felt amused despite himself. 

“Really pleasing to look at.” She mumbled out looking down again. 

Charmed, Dean laughed outright, and four pairs of eyes jerked up to Dean and Hael all unhappy in varying degrees. Dean ignored them and raised Hael’s chin with his finger causing her to look directly at him. Dean felt a genuine smile spread across his face as he said. “Thank you. And right back atcha.” 

Hael stared at him for a few more seconds and then her gaze darkened when she took in his injuries. Dean was only wearing a T-shirt and his black and blue slightly torn wrists were evident, as well as the bruising over his face and some cuts and stitches on his arms. 

“Castiel.” She called out sounding a little pissed off. “Why haven't you healed him. He's hurt.” She waved her hand at Dean stating the obvious. 

Dean started to explain as Cas walked over, and Cas again had that funny pinched look on his face. 

“I tried to Hael.” Castiel said in a low growl. “But the Mark is stopping me.”

Hael didn’t comment and turned back to Dean. “I can try.” She offered. “I'm known for my healing capabilities.”

Cas started to protest immediately and Dean frowned as Cas pulled Hael back from Dean a few steps. 

Dean just thanked her politely declining. “It’s okay. “It’s not bad and I don't want you to get hurt if the Mark pushes back. Don't worry about it darling.” Dean explained. “But thank you for the offer.” Dean added with another smile. 

Cas just scowled at both of them and Hael blushed again. 

Dean looked at the others and blue collar guy looked amused, Sam was glaring at Dean the opposite of amused at Dean’s antics, and military eye stood up with a challenge on his face. 

“Hael come back over here. We are here for only one reason. Get away from him.” Ephraim commanded, and everyone was taken aback at the venom in his voice. 

Dean once again stared back meeting Ephraim’s look with a challenge of his own, but Dean was feeling unreasonably frightened by this angel. Dean refused to let it show but something must have escaped because a look of satisfaction crossed the angel’s face and he smirked at Dean, which again looked familiar. 

Castiel just ushered Hael back over to the others and Dean feeling a bit shaken by the interaction with military guy gathered up his stuff and after finger waving to Hael left the room ignoring everyone else. 

That evening Dean couldn’t sleep. Giving up, he made his way to the kitchen to make coffee and saw Hael sitting in the library. She smiled up at him when he came into the room and scooted over on the coach. Dean sat next to her and they just started to talk. 

They talked about everything and nothing, and Dean was amazed when she told him she had created the Grand Canyon. 

Dean had always wanted to go there and briefly flashed back to when he told Sam what John had asked him to do before he died and how Dean had begged Sam to take time off and visit the Grand Canyon. But Sam had just run out of Dean while he slept instead. 

Shaking his head to clear that bad memory, Dean turned his attention back to Hael. She reminded Dean of Charlie, and he felt oddly comfortable in her presence. It was really nice to be able to just sit and talk with someone and push all the bad stuff to the side for a bit. 

A few times the next day Dean and Hael found some time to chat, and Dean lent her his copy of “Slaughterhouse-Five” to read. 

Everytime Ephraim saw them chatting together, he would glare at Dean with hate and violence in his eyes, but Dean just ignored him. He wasn’t the first and would certainly not be the last angel to despise Dean.


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi last chapter for this week. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. 
> 
> See end of notes for triggers. All mistakes are mine.
> 
> I am very thankful for so many of you sticking with story and all the comments and kudos.

Dean was walking back to the guest room later that day when he stopped at the doorway of his old room for the first time since he had been back in the bunker. Dean looked at the bare walls, the empty desk and nightstands, and the hints of an empty closet. 

Dean had been so excited to have his own room. He had immediately "nested" by buying himself an awesome mattress and personalizing the room as much as he could. 

Now it was stale and empty. 

Dean sighed, he should have figured this wouldn't last. He has had two homes in his life. The first burned down, his mother was killed, and his father turned into a monster. The second was the bunker, which was taken away by his brother and now Dean was the monster. 

Dean rubbed his eyes, closed the door quietly and turned to go lie down when he walked right into a broad muscled chest. 

“What the…” Dean said looking up at a smirking Ephraim. 

“Personal space dude.” Dean said, pushing the angel back a few inches. 

Dean looked up at the angel. Up close Dean realized he was about Sam's height, but the angel was much broader with a thick solid chest and arms bulging with muscles. 

Dean's heart started racing, but he continued to stare down the angel trying to push away the snake of fear wrapping itself around Dean. 

What was it about this angel that disturbed Dean so much? Dean knows he never met him before. Dean had even gone so far as to ask Cas whether these angels were new to their vessels fearing that Abaddon’s angel had changed vessels. 

But Cas told Dean that Hannah was only sending angels to the bunker that had been in their vessels for a few years as they were more acclimated to the human experience than ones new to their vessels. 

The angel's stare was disturbing and full of hate and malice, and his eyes never wavered from Dean's face. 

Uncomfortable, Dean reverted back to his usual snark. “Take a picture man, it will last longer.” Dean said with a grin. 

The angel ignored Dean’s attempt at humor and roughly pushed Dean back against the door by a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “You need to stay away from Hael.” He ordered. 

Dean eyes narrowed dangerously at the physical contact and threat and pushed back with his hand on the angel’s shoulder, mimicking the angel's aggressive move. “Back off.” Dean snarled. “I'll talk to whoever I want. What's it to you?” 

The angel's expression darkened even more. “Hael is a good angel, and you will not corrupt her with your evil touch.” He spat at Dean. 

“The very touch of you corrupts.” 

Screamed in Dean’s mind as he flashed back to the cabin and Hester’s declaration when Cas had been so broken and crazy from taking on Sam’s memories of the cage and when they were hiding Kevin from the angels. Guilt flashed across Dean's face before he could hide it. 

Ephraim sneered. “First Castiel and now Hael. I won’t let you.” The angel growled leaning further into Dean’s personal space, his face inches from Dean’s. 

“I know all about you Dean Winchester.” And Ephraim ignored Dean’s scoff. 

“Yeah that's right. You corrupt good angels and cause them to rebel. You use your sinful looks to tempt and twist.” Ephraim said his lips curling in disgust as his eyes roamed over Dean’s face. 

“Wow!” Dean said taken aback a bit. “What the hell are you talking about?” Dean demanded. 

“Don’t play innocent Winchester. You ruined Castiel!” He spat at Dean his fingers tightening their grip on Dean’s shoulder and Dean could feel bruises forming. 

“You caused an angel of the lord, one of heaven’s finest warriors, to rebel. You forced Castiel to work against his family and destroy destiny’s plan.” Ephraim said his anger causing his eyes to burn blue.

Dean was fighting really hard to ignore the Mark, which was screaming at him to attack, kill, hurt, attack, kill, hurt.

“Look buddy.” Dean said rapidly losing his patience with this crazy angel. “You don't know fuck about Cas and my relationship. So go screw yourself.” Dean growled, and Dean pushed again at the angel’s shoulder and squeezed out from between the angel and the door. 

Dean turned to walk away struggling to keep control of his emotions and the Mark. 

“Don’t you walk away from me... Dean.” The angel commanded in a low voice full of threat, and the way he said Dean's name almost paralyzed him with terror, memories of his time with Abaddon streaking across his mind. 

“How did you do it?” Ephraim asked when Dean froze. “Did you get down on your knees for Castiel, did you bend over and offer yourself to lead him down the road of temptation.” 

Dean stiffened at the insinuation because yeah dropping down to his knees and pleasuring Cas was something Dean had fantasized about, but he knew he could never have that. And now this angel twisting his thoughts of devotion into something slimy and tainted made Dean start to see red. No not red Dean realized with horror. 

Gray. 

Dean took a few breaths, squeezing his arm, trying to calm down and holding onto his control by the skin of his fingertips, but Ephraim kept spewing filth and accusations at Dean. 

“I know all about how you seduced your father and all those god faring men you led astray and then forced them to pay you for your sickness.” Ephraim sneered at Dean. 

Dean eyes widened and his body started trembling, half in terror that this angel knew things about him that nobody else including Cas knew, and half in burning rage that Dean just wasn’t able to control any longer. 

Dean swung around and threw a punch wanting nothing more than to feel the bones in Ephraim’s fat face shatter beneath his fist, but the angel easily caught Dean's wrist expecting the move. 

Ephraim twisted and shoved him, and pinned Dean face first against the wall with Dean’s arm twisted high up on his back almost the point of his shoulder popping out. 

“You're a disgusting piece of humanity.” The angel continued his breath hot in Dean's ear. 

Dean struggled but the angel was using his entire body to pin Dean to the wall giving him no leeway to push away. 

“Get off me.” Dean threatened, but the angel laughed pushing Dean harder into the wall and grinding up against Dean’s ass. 

“I think I have a twenty in my pocket Dean.” Ephraim chuckled darkly. “Is that enough to get you to drop down and let me feel how good those cocksucking lips are?” The angel taunted while reaching around with his free hand and roughly squeezing Dean’s cock through his jeans. 

“You son of a bitch.” Dean yelled, snapping his head back and relishing in the feeling of Ephraim’s nose snapping with the force of Dean’s head butt. 

Ephraim grunted in pain and his grip on Dean loosened. Dean quickly reversed their positions and was now pinning Ephraim’s back against the wall. 

Dean thought the angel had called out to someone, but Dean was so lost in rage at the poisonous words and unwanted touch that he didn’t pay attention as his fists flew.

Dean vaguely registered that the angel was not fighting back, but the shame, anger and hurt that Dean felt at the angel’s words overrode everything. 

Dean was continuing to punch Ephraim when Dean felt his raised arm harshly pulled back and he heard Cas commanding Dean to stop. 

Dean looked in confusion at Ephraim who was holding his arms up in front of his battered and bloody face looking afraid and stunned. 

“Castiel, please. Stop him. He's hurting me.” Ephraim pleaded. “Dean attacked me for no reason, I was just walking down the corridor.” 

Dean froze in disbelief and looked at Castiel who was furious, and with a sinking heart Dean realized Cas was furious at Dean because he believed what Ephraim was saying. 

Dean registered that Sam was also there, and Sam was so furious he could have been spitting fire. Sam shoved Dean back and he started yelling, asking Dean what the hell he was thinking, and saying he thought Dean was in control but he was obviously wrong. 

Dean's eyes switched back and forth between Cas and Sam, still trying to process what had happened and calm himself down, but then Dean looked over at Ephraim who was standing behind Cas and Sam backing away from them. Dean eyes snapped up to Ephraim’s and positioned where Cas and Sam’s couldn’t see him. 

Ephraim winked. 

Dean's eyes bulged in rage and surged forward to attack Ephraim again but Cas and Sam each caught one of Dean’s arms restraining him and stopping Dean in place. Sam and Cas then started pulling and pushing Dean down the corridor and flung Dean into his room. 

“What the fuck was that Dean?” Sam demanded. 

“You don't… He…” Dean tried to explain but he couldn't find the words. Dean couldn't tell them what Ephraim had said to goad him so Dean choose to say nothing. 

At the continued silence Dean looked up into twin expressions of disappointment, anger and distrust. 

“Just forget it.” Dean said, waving his hand dismissively. “I'm fine, just leave me alone.” 

Dean watched as Cas and Sam looked at each other exchanging a silent communication then Sam sighed and looked back at Dean. “Dean, if we can't trust you to not attack people for no reason.” To which Dean snorted causing Sam's eyes to narrow further. 

Sam continued anger palpable in his voice. “Dean we don't want to lock you up more, put you in the dungeon…” 

Dean snorted again. “What does it matter Sam.” Dean said cutting him off. “Locked up is locked up.” Dean spat, the betrayal and hurt bleeding through his words. 

Sam’s face reddened in fury. “Fine let's go to the dungeon then.” Sam snarled making a grab for Dean's arm, but Cas grabbed a hold of Sam and pulled him back. 

“No Sam. Stop it. You're making things worse.” Cas yelled. 

Cas looked at Dean. “Do you want to tell us what happened Dean?” 

Dean stared down at the ground, not saying a word, and he heard Cas sigh loudly. “Come on Sam. Let's give him some space.” 

“What, but, no Cas.” Sam sputtered, but he allowed Cas to pull him out of the room. 

Cas turned back to Dean and looked directly in his eyes. 

“This is your last chance Dean. These angels are my friends, and they are under my protection. You will not harm them. Do you understand?” Castiel asked his voice an octave lower than his normal gravel, making sure his point was made. 

Dean just nodded, not knowing what else to do at the moment. As soon as they left the room, Dean sunk down onto the bed dismayed and confused and muttered.

“What the fuck!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of child prostitution, non-con touching, violence.


	43. AUTHOR NOTE

Hi check out the art my extremely talented nephew made for the story. It is at the beginning of chapter one. 

Have a great holiday!


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all had a great thanksgiving. The week went by entirely too fast, but I only have to wait 3 weeks before I get to see my son again. 
> 
> Anyway, I have a couple of chapters for you. There are no triggers. All mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Sincere thanks again to everyone who has left kudos and has commented. You guys make my day.

Dean thought about staying in his room until the angels left, but he was no coward and no psycho angel was going to keep him from finishing his research. 

Whatever the angel was up to it made one thing abundantly clear to Dean, Cas and Sam didn’t trust him and Dean was afraid Sam would follow through on his threat to lock Dean in the dungeon. 

Straightening his spine, Dean walked back into the library like nothing had happened and pulled out the last few books on Enochian in the library he wanted to look at. 

Dean was fiddling with his sketch trying to figure out the last sigil. It just looked weird to him and he couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Dean has three different sigils that he found while researching that could potentially be used to tone down the sigils, and one of them was really promising with all its swirls and twirls. It has a section where you can add a curvy-like mark and then if it needs to be stronger you can add more and more, which would be perfect in case the Mark got stronger and Dean needed to up the leash he wants to put on it. 

Dean looked up and saw Hael coming over with a cup of coffee, which she put down in front of Dean. “Black right?” She asked with a small smile. 

Dean nodded looking warily over at the others to see what Ephraim or Cas would do, but they didn't seem to be paying attention at the moment. 

“Are you ok?” Hael asked, sitting down next to Dean. She pulled one of his hands into her lap with both her hands and lightly stroked his bruised knuckles. 

“You know you’ll probably get in trouble being over here talking to me.” Dean said and then laughed at the face Hael made. 

“Ephraim’s not my boss. He can’t tell me what to do.” She explained calmly, flipping her hair and settling into the chair more. 

Dean smiled again and pulled his hand back to sip his coffee. 

“So you’re leaving tomorrow?” Dean said, and Hael nodded looking a little sad. 

“I like it here.” She said looking around. “It's quiet and organized, and I’ll..., I’ll miss you. You’re nothing like what we were told about you.” She admitted smiling shyly up at Dean. 

Dean smiled back and said honestly. “I’ll miss you too.” This caused Hael to blush beet red again and Dean grinned. Dean twirled his pencil and made a few marks on the sigil. 

“What is that?” Hael said peering down at Dean’s drawing. “It looks familiar.” 

“What!” Dean’s head snapped up. “You recognize this?” 

Hael looked deep in thought and her eyes roamed over the books on the table. “I think..” She said grabbing a book and flipping through it. “Yup, here it is.” She said, pointing down at a tiny sigil on a page with probably about hundred other sigils, and Dean could have easily missed it. 

“OMG!” Dean stared down incredulously, then looked back at Hael, his eyes wide. “You found it.” Dean exclaimed standing up and grabbing Hael around the waist, picking her up and twirling her around, causing her to laugh in delight. 

“Thank you.” Dean said stopping and kissing her forehead. Hael just smiled back at him a bit bemused at Dean’s exuberant response. 

“Hael!” Dean heard Ephraim yell out, and Dean watched as Cas patted Ephraim on the shoulder to signal him to stay put and then strode over to them. 

“What’s going on?” Cas asked Dean suspiciously, again pulling Hael away from Dean causing Hael to look at Castiel in confusion. 

“I was just helping Dean with something.” Hael said, and Dean could have kissed her for keeping his confidence. 

Dean stepped in front of the book and his notes, looking at Cas who had that weird pinched look on his face again, and Dean again wondered what it meant. 

“Is there a problem Castiel?” Hael asked trying to move closer to Dean, but Castiel mirrored her steps and kept himself between Hael and Dean. 

Dean tracked Cas’s movements and started to get angry and frustrated. “What Cas? I’m not hurting her. We’re just talking. What’s the problem?” Dean challenged. 

Cas just tilted his head and regarded Dean with that weird look on his face. He stared at Dean for a good minute or two before he caught himself and looked away. Cas didn’t respond to Dean but turned to Hael. “We need to finish up.” 

“Okay.” Hael said regarding Cas with a contemplative look. 

Cas looked like he wanted to say something else but decided against it and turned and walked away, and just before Hael followed she stood up on her tiptoes and whispered in Dean’s ear. “I think he’s jealous.” She giggled, to which Dean just scoffed, like that was even a possibility. 

Dean watched as Ephraim and Josefiel pulled Hael aside to chat as soon as she went back to them. 

Dean fixed the sketch and gathered up his notes and the book, thinking he would take it with him. Dean didn’t want to leave any clues as to what he was doing in the bunker when he left. 

Dean started walking back to his room when he heard bits and pieces of the angels arguing. “Should be ashamed… I don’t care.. It's wrong.. We need to cancel it.. No we don’t… He’s not…. Yes we will…” 

And then Dean turned the corner and frowned when he saw Ephraim grab Hael’s arm roughly as he sneered down at her hissing. “No!. Everything is going to happen according to our plan so quit making problems.” 

Dean strode quickly over to the group and wrenched Ephraim hand away. “Are you okay Hael?” He asked his eyes never leaving Ephraim. 

“This is none of your business.” Josefiel said stepping between Ephraim and Dean and Dean jerked a bit in surprise as this was the first time he had heard this angel talk. 

“Hael’s fine. Everything's fine.” Josefiel said firmly as he gave Ephraim a side glance that looked like a warning to back off. 

Dean regarded Josefiel for a few moments before he looked down at Hael in question, and she nodded and gave Dean a small smile so Dean left them to whatever they were arguing about, glaring back at Ephraim a few times.


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi so this chapter was really long so I decided to split into two. The way I originally had envisioned it split left about 2500 words in one and 400 words in the other so I split it in a different place. Think of the next two chapters as part 1 and part 2.
> 
> See end for triggers. 
> 
> Note: My writing fight scenes is about as good as my smut so sorry about that. All mistakes are mine.
> 
> This is a rough one. Sorry guys.

It was the middle of the night and Dean couldn’t sleep. His mind was racing with possibilities now that he finally had all the sigils along with a couple of ones to try to “control” them. Now Dean just had to figure out how to implement them. He needed to figure out what to use and what shape because he sure as shit wasn’t going to walk around with a manacle around his wrist. 

Sighing loudly and giving up on trying to sleep for the moment, Dean left his room figuring he would go down to the armory and see what materials there were to work with. 

Dean heard whispers when he was walking by the war room so he went in to investigate and saw the three angels huddled together in the space between the war room and the library. “Well that’s not suspicious looking.” Dean thought to himself deciding to find out what was up. 

“You guys having a party I wasn’t invited to?” Dean snarked drawing their attention while walking over to them. 

The Mark was starting to buzz and Dean’s spidey sense was tingling, and for some reason Dean was glad his blade was tucked against his back. 

Dean was slightly taken aback by the wild look in Hael’s eyes when she turned at his arrival. She rushed over to him, grabbed his hands and whispered frantically. “Dean, go find Castiel and stay with him. Don’t leave his side until we leave okay.” 

“What?” Dean said completely confused. His mind was trying to wrap around what she was trying to say when Hael was flung through the air across the war table and into the wall where she landed with a thud behind the table. 

“Son of a bitch?” Dean yelled turning only to find himself on a similar trajectory. Dean landed in a painful heap right next to Hael who was struggling to get up, her gaze unfocused. 

“Dean.” She said, when Dean tried to help her sit up. “I’m sorry Dean, I tried to stop them.” Hael said grasping at Dean’s arms. 

“Sorry about what?” Dean asked while he peeked up over the table to see the other two angels arguing again. 

Hael looked stricken and her eyes teared up. “We came here to kill you Dean.” 

Flinching at her words, Dean demanded. “What, why?” 

“It’s the only way.” She said. 

“Hael, I don’t understand.” Dean said getting angry. These angels came into his, well Sam’s, bunker to kill him, to betray Cas. 

“The only way. What are you talking about?” Dean asked as adrenaline started flooding his body. The Mark started pulsing and his arm started heating up. 

“It’s.. The angels said it’s the only way to break the bond you have with Castiel.” Hael said as tears streamed down her face and she looked at Dean with shame and fear. 

“Dean…, I changed my mind, but they won’t listen. You need to go find Castiel.” Hael entreated. 

Shocked but not entirely surprised that the angels would go this far, Dean felt his control slipping. “Hael, listen.” Dean said urgently shaking her arms a bit. The Mark was going nuts, and Dean was starting to see gray. “You need to stay here.” Dean ordered. “Don’t try to get into the fight. Promise me!” 

“Why?” Hael asked, still slightly unfocused. 

“Look Hael, I don’t want to hurt you and I lose control, so please stay away.” Dean begged his entire body vibrating. 

“That won’t be a problem.” Dean heard Ephraim growl down at them a second before he felt a sledgehammer fist slam into the side of his head. Dean fell back stunned and saw Ephraim deliver a similar punch to Hael knocking her unconscious. 

Dean rolled to his feet backing up slightly as the two angels attacked him from both sides. There were a few minutes of solid fighting with Dean hitting, getting hit, dunking, swinging and rolling. Dean turned slightly and felt a large bulky forearm grab him from behind pressing down on his throat in a choke hold.

“Give up Winchester. Even with the Mark you’re no match for angels, especially me.” Ephraim said while he squeezed the air out of Dean. 

Struggling to breathe and break Ephraim’s hold on him, Dean looked up and saw Josefiel coming at him with a raised angel blade. Dean grabbed Ephraim’s forearms with both hands to use as leverage, raised his feet and punched Josefiel back with the force of his legs, causing the angel to slam back against a library table. 

Dean pulled his blade from behind his back and it sliced across Ephraim’s abdomen as Dean was pulling it free, causing the angel to hiss in pain and let Dean go. 

“So what’s the plan?” Dean wheezed out as he turned to face Ephraim. 

“You come here, deceive Cas, and kill me. You really think he’ll let you get away with that?” Dean shouted.

Ephraim grabbed Dean by his hair and jerked him up straight into a fist to his stomach. “But Castiel.” Ephraim said in the same light and scared sounding voice he used in the corridor. “Dean attacked us again for no reason. We were just defending ourselves. The Mark, it corrupted him.” 

Ephraim delivered another punch across Dean’s jaw causing Dean to fall and land on his back a few feet away as Ephraim finished his spiel with a smirk. 

“So that’s what that little scene was all about in the hall earlier.” Dean said arching his back and jumping to his feet. The Mark was so red and burning it felt like Dean’s whole forearm was on fire. 

“Of course.” Ephraim said. “I had the plant the seed of doubt.” He snickered, and Dean’s eyes burned with fury at being played. 

Ephraim’s eyes then flicked to Dean’s left so quickly Dean almost missed it, and Dean spun around and with a pivot drove his blade straight into Josefiel’s heart as he advanced on Dean from behind. Not sparing a second glance at the burning out angel, Dean turned back to Ephraim. 

“One down.” Dean taunted, waving his hand toward himself. “Well come on.” Dean challenged. 

Ephraim just gave an evil smile, and again a feeling of familiarity and a surge of fear swept through Dean, which the angel picked up on. 

“Still not quite sure are you Deanie?” Ephraim mocked. “I’m surprised. After those weeks we spent together, my getting to watch you writhing in pain, help manipulate and destroy your mind, watch you be a little bitch for a demon.” And the angel paused, malice shining from his eyes. 

“Again.” 

He emphasized. Those sure were some good memories for me. Ephraim chuckled. 

“No!” Dean said, his face losing color. “It can’t be you, Hannah said…”

“Oh it's me alright.” Ephraim laughed using Dean’s shock to his advantage as he barreled into Dean slamming him back on the floor. The angel quickly straddled Dean and pinned his arms down on the sides of Dean’s head. 

Dean fought the panic sweeping through him, the memories of the pain and torture, the agony in his mind as well as his body, his helplessness and fear were shooting through Dean’s mind as the tide of panic rose and threatened to overwhelm Dean. 

“See.” Ephraim chuckled darkly pressing Dean’s wrists harder into the floor and then shifting Dean’s wrists into one hand still pinned to the floor but above his head now, and the angel started punching Dean. 

“Your.” Punch. “No.” Punch. “Match.” Punch. “Against.” Punch. “Me.” Punch. Ephraim sneered. 

Dean was shaking with pain, and his eyes were rolling in his head from the punches and his jaw felt like it was about to dislocate. Dean looked up into the angel’s eyes, and they were overflowing with hate and evil. 

“How did I miss this?” Dean wondered, watching almost from outside himself as Ephraim raised the angel blade getting ready to thrust it into Dean. 

“No!” Dean screamed and the Mark started to draw its power back like the tide receding on the shore causing Dean to whimper in confusion. Then with a boom a pulse of red energy shot out of Dean so strong it flung Ephraim back a few feet. 

Shocked Dean and the angel both scrambled to their feet. “You evil bastard.” Dean sneered straightening up to charge and they both simultaneous advanced on each other. 

Dean gasped in surprise and pain when he felt the angel blade slip into his chest, sliding between his ribs like a knife cutting butter. He was stunned for a second, and while Ephraim’s face morphed into one of victory, Dean swung his arm and dug his blade into the angel’s stomach. Dean pulled up ripping straight through his abdomen and chest, and as Ephraim started to scream in pain and shock, Dean pulled the blade out and then drove it right back into Ephraim’s heart. 

Dean distantly heard shouts of “No Dean. Don’t.” But Dean’s entire being was focused on watching the angel die taking even more pleasure in this angel lighting up from within than he did with Zachariah. Light poured out from his orifices illuminating Dean’s face and eyes. 

Then the angel fell to the ground pulling the angel blade out of Dean with his fall. Dean felt a sweep of immense pleasure and satisfaction as he saw that bastard angel’s burnt wings covering half the war table and a large section of the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok lots of violence and blood in his chapter. References to past torture and non-con.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the second half of the last chapter. See end for triggers. 
> 
> That's it for this week. We are getting close to the end here, maybe 5 to 7 chapters left, I am not really sure as I don't usually split them up until I've editing them. 
> 
> Teaser: Next chapter brings a familiar character.
> 
> Thank you again for continuing with my story.

“Dean stop! What the hell are you doing?” Cas and Sam yelled, and Dean found himself spun around by his arm and slammed into the wall. “What have you done?” Castiel cried looking at the bodies of his fallen brothers. 

“Cas.” Dean stuttered out, adrenaline still flooding through his body, the Mark sending pulses of power through Dean, which kept him standing and still unaware of how injured he was. 

“I can explain.” Dean said flinching at the look on Cas’s face, a look Dean never thought he would be on the receiving end of. A look full of betrayal, disgust, fear and full on angel fury. 

“No wait Cas, it wasn’t…” Dean tried to explain as he felt his blade being ripped from his hand. Dean gasped and turned to see Sam who stared at Dean in shock and anger. There wasn’t a trace of his baby brother in that look. 

Just a hunter confronting a monster. 

“What are you doing Sam?” Give it back.” Dean demanded feeling as if a limb was torn from his body with the the loss of his blade. 

“No!” Sam said stalking from the room without turning back. “Cas lock him in the dungeon, I’m going to destroy this blade once and for all.” 

Dean stood still for a second his mind trying to catching up with what was happening. Dean was locked in survival mode, and his vision tunneled as he saw Cas advancing on him from the side and Sam stalking from the room carrying his blade away. 

Dean snarled and pushed Cas back causing the angel to fall down, and Dean rushed into the corridor. Sam was almost to the end of the corridor and Dean screamed at him. “Stop Sam!” You’re not taking my blade from me.” 

Sam stopped and turned. The brothers stood face to face, the distance between them miles beyond the physical few hundred feet of the corridor. 

“Watch me.” Sam sneered. “You’re out of control Dean. You just killed angels for no reason.” He yelled at Dean.

“The blade's corrupted you, Dean. I’m not even sure you can be saved anymore.” Sam added and for a second Dean thought he heard Sam's voice waver as fear flashed through Sam's eyes, but Dean blinked and the hard angry look was back on Sam's face. 

Each word Sam said was like a separate stab wound into Dean’s soul. They didn’t even give him a chance to explain. They just assumed he was in the wrong.

Again.

Dean’s heart was heavy with grief, but his body was still flooded with adrenaline from the fight and continued threat, and the Mark was screaming at the separation from the blade while still in battle mode. 

Dean straightened himself fully and felt a pop and then could feel blood start to pour out of his chest staining his black T-shirt. Dean’s eyes widened as he realized he was gravely wounded. 

Pushing the morbid thoughts aside, Dean growled out in a low voice that radiated a promise of violence. “This is your last chance Sam. Give me back my blade.” 

Sam stared right back and said. “No, I’m destroying it, and you can’t stop me.” Sam yelled back. 

“Oh yeah.” Dean smirked. “Watch me.” 

And Dean raised his hand and Sam’s face was full of shock as the blade was torn from his grip and sailed down the corridor and right into Dean’s hand. 

“What the fuck?” Sam exclaimed, and then he immediately starting to run toward Dean. Cas joined Sam and Dean turned and ran into his room. 

Dean slammed the door and locked it, falling to his knees as the pain of his wound finally registered in his brain as blood continued to pour out of his chest.

“Crowley.” Dean rasped out as he tried to press down on his chest to stop the bleeding. 

“Crowley please. I need you.” Dean called out. 

Crowley appeared in front of Dean, taking in the scene of Dean on his knees bent over in pain, covered in blood and bleeding profusely and the noise of pounding and yelling coming from the other side of the door as Sam and Castiel both tried to break into the room. 

“What the bloody hell is going on.” Crowley yelled. 

“Crowley get me out of here.” Dean begged looking up. 

Crowley gasped a little at the sight as Dean’s face was devoid of color and his eyes defeated. 

“Okay.” Crowley said snapping into action. “Let’s get you to a hospital.” 

“No.” Dean said struggling to rise and Crowley helped him up. “It’s too late. Just promise me…” Dean stopped when he started to cough up blood, unable to breathe properly. 

“What?” Crowley asked. “Promise you what? 

Dean looked at Crowley, his grasp on his arm hard as steel and his eyes pleading. “Don’t let me hurt them when I’m a demon Crowley. Please. Promise me.” Dean pleaded. 

Crowley looked at Dean in awe. He didn’t know what the hell had happened but here Dean was, minutes away from dying, and his only thoughts were still to try to protect his brother and feathers. 

“Dean was incredible.” Crowley thought, and a sense of determination swept through him. 

“I promise Squirrel, but you’re not dying today.” Crowley said turning as the door finally broke open. 

Sam and Castiel paused at seeing Crowley in Dean’s room, supporting Dean, which led them to finally notice that Dean was injured, but before they could utter a word Crowley snapped him and Dean out. 

Sam turned to Castiel in shock. “How the hell did Crowley get into the bunker. Sam demanded, his eyes darting around looking for answers. “I reinforced all the wards. It’s not possible.” 

“I don't know.” Cas replied as he slammed his fist into the wall in anger and frustration causing a huge chunk of it to cave in. 

Castiel gasped as he turned and looked at the room. “Dean was hurt Sam.” Castiel said bringing Sam's attention back to him. They both took in the blood on the floor in the corridor and the pool of blood where Dean had been kneeling, and Sam felt pure terror spike through his body. 

There was too much blood. That was a critical injury. 

“Oh god.” Sam cried out turning to look at Cas whose face had lost all color. Sam’s anger quickly morphed into despair, his eyes wild in grief. “We were going to lock him up and we didn't even notice he was hurt Cas. How's he ever…”

Sam's words were cut off by frantic cries of. “Dean! Dean where are you? Dean!” 

They both turned and looked at Hael who was rushing toward them with a panicked look on her face. 

“Where's Dean?” She demanded grasping Castiel's trench coat with both hands. 

“Dean's gone.” Castiel said sounding defeated, all the fight having drained out of him at the sight of Dean’s blood. 

“Hael I'm so sorry. I don't know why Dean did what he did.” Castiel murmured apologetically. 

Hael’s head snapped up and both Castiel and Sam stepped back at the fury they saw on her face. 

“What Dean did? What Dean did?” She screeched. “You idiots.” She screamed slapping at them while her eyes burning in fury started to light up as she lost control. 

“Hael.” Castiel demanded. “Stand down.” 

Hael shuddered but calmed down. As an angel she was unable to disobey such a direct command from her leader. 

Calming down Hael gaze fell on the blood pooled in Dean's room and she cried out. “We have to help Dean Castiel. He was stabbed in the chest. Ephraim stabbed him.” She shrieked in panic and fear, and then she fell against Castiel crying and shaking. 

Sam looked at Castiel and saw the same confusion on Cas's face. “Why the hell was Hael so upset about Dean being injured when Dean had attacked them and killed the other two angels?” 

“I do not understand.” Cas said looking at Sam for guidance. 

Sam took a deep breath and pulled Hael into Dean's room sitting her on the bed. “Hael take a breath and tell us what happened. Why did Dean attack you guys and why are you worried about him?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blood and violence. 
> 
> I think I should put misunderstands as a trigger. lol.


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone sorry this chapter is a little late. I'm having trouble with the following chapter and probably won't post until tomorrow. The one following is ready to go. I didn't want to keep you waiting any longer so I will post this tonight and the rest tomorrow. 
> 
> Thanks again for comments and kudos. I so appreciate them. 
> 
> Nothing really triggering in this chapter.

Jodie plunked her keys in the bowl by the door as she entered her home, stretching and cracking her back. “Damn those midnight calls.” She thought, glad to be finally home. She was looking forward to a hot cup of tea before heading off to bed. 

Jodie was headed for the couch when in the blink of an eye Crowley popped into her living room holding up Dean who looked beat to hell and was bleeding profusely from a chest wound. 

“Oh my God. What did you do to him?” Jodie demanded rushing forward. 

“Not me darling.” Crowley said waving her back and he tenderly lowered Dean onto her couch, his hand pressing against Dean’s chest. 

“What are you doing here?” Jodie cried out trying to push him away from Dean, whose skin was gray and if it weren’t for the blood still coming from his wound Jodie would think he was already dead. 

“Listen up Sherriff.” Crowley said straightening up and Jodie was taken aback by his appearance. Crowley’s eyes were wild with concern, his hair was sticking up, and his clothes mused and covered in blood. 

“Sheriff!” Crowley yelled snapping his fingers to get her attention back to him. “We don’t have a lot of time, Squirrel is minutes from dying, I need your help.” 

“Me?” Jodie said stepping back not sure what to do. Crowley had tried to kill her the last time she saw him and Jodie was about to start fighting when she looked at Crowley’s face and only saw concern and fear in Crowley’s eyes. 

Fear for Dean. 

“What can I do Crowley, I’m not a doctor, he needs a hospital.” Jodie said, her heart pounding in fright as she looked at Dean. 

“It’s too late for that.” Crowley said urgently. “I need a deal. I can’t heal him without a deal and you’re the only one I could think of that might help him.” Crowley said concern and fear dripping from his words. 

“A deal!” Jodie exclaimed jerking back in shock. ‘You want my soul?” She yelled horrified at the thought. 

“No no.” Crowley waved his hand. “I just need something that means a lot to you to give the deal power.” Crowley explained. 

“Please.” Crowley said again. “He’s almost gone.” 

Jodie looked at Dean and her mind raced trying to figure out what she could offer. Jodie thought frantically as she twisted her wedding ring, something she always did when stressed. 

“There that.” Crowley demanded pointing at her hand. 

“What?” Jodie asked her eyes widening. “My wedding ring?” 

“Yes it means a lot right?” Crowley asked and then smiled in satisfaction when Jodie nodded. 

Crowley stared at her not staying anything and Jodie stared right back not sure what to do. 

“Well.” Crowley growled waving his hand in a hurry up fashion. 

“Oh, right.” Jodie said snapping back to attention. “Crowley I want a deal. My wedding ring for healing Dean.” She said her voice shaking slightly. 

“Accepted.” Crowley said taking the ring and stepping up to her, and to Jodie’s surprise instead of deep passionate kiss, Crowley just gave her a peck before turning his attention instantly to Dean and snapping his fingers. 

They both watched as the color slowly bled back into Dean’s face, the wound stopped bleeding and closed up, and all the cuts and bruises faded from Dean’s skin. 

“Oh wow.” Jodie muttered as Dean opened his eyes and stared up at them in shock. 

“Jodie? What are you doing here, what’s going on?” Dean questioned when consciousness fully returned. 

Crowley helped him sit up and Dean looked back and forth between the two. “I thought I was a goner that time.” Dean said, his voice shaky. 

“Well thanks to Sherriff here, I was able to heal you.” Crowley explained as he gently grasped Dean’s shoulder. 

Dean’s eyes widened at the implications and he whipped his gaze to Jodie. “You sold your soul!” Dean shouted, devastated at the thought before turning and pinning Crowley with a death glare. 

“Of course not.” Crowley said chuckling, and Dean relaxed a bit. 

“How?” Dean demanded. 

“My wedding ring.” Jodie explained. 

“What?” Dean said even more confused. “Is that even possible?” 

Crowley just smirked and explained. “As long as it had enough sentimental value sure I could make it work, King of Hell remember?”

“Oh and by the way.” Crowley said tossing the ring in the air and catching it and then turning toward Jodie. “Not my size and not really my thing.” He said with a smirk as he tossed it back. 

Jodie caught it with an incredulous look on her face. “Really?” She questioned looking hopeful. 

“Of course darling.” Crowley said. “We all got what we wanted, that’s all that matters.” 

Dean felt something warm spread through him at Crowley’s words and actions. He was beginning to think Crowley actually cared, and Dean felt bad that he had questioned Crowley while he was in the bunker. 

“Thank you guys, and thanks Crowley.” Dean said sincerely his eyes affectionate as they looked at the demon. 

Then it all seemed to catch up with Dean and he started to shake a bit, and seeing this Jodie moved to sit next to him, putting her arm around Dean’s shoulders. 

“Okay.” Crowley said as a strange look crossed swiftly across face as he watched Jodie comfort Dean. “I was literally in the middle of an important meeting so how about I give you two a couple of hours?” He asked Dean with a brow raised in question. 

Dean nodded struggling to keep his emotions at bay and Jodie surprising everyone stood up and pulled Crowley into a hug. “I don’t know what caused you to change Crowley, but thank you.” 

Crowley looked taken aback and looked at Dean scowling at the human emotions Dean brought out in him. 

“Friggin Winchester, that’s what!” Crowley swore sounding grouchy while pointing a finger at Dean causing Dean to huff a laugh and then he snapped out.

“Okay bucko, want to tell me what that was all about and why you’re hanging out with the king of hell.” Jodie asked her earlier concerns returning. 

Jodie looked down at Dean trying to look stern but she couldn’t pull it off at the lost and broken look on Dean’s face. “Oh honey.” Jodie said reaching out and hugging Dean again. “What’s going on? Where’s Sam and Castiel?” Jodie questioned and was surprised when Dean stiffened and pushed away. 

He looked at Jodie. His body was still trembling and there were tears in his eyes, and Jodie thought he looked like a small lost child and it broke her heart. 

“Dean.” She said and waited. 

Jodie watched as Dean took a deep breath and then he told her about the past few months. Jodie knew he was skipping over a lot of significant points, and she suspected a lot more had happened to Dean the two times he was kidnapped. It made her sick that such a good man had gone through so much turmoil. 

Yeah she was a little put off at Dean for tricking Sam, but she understood. This was something that Sam could never understand about the way Dean was toward him, but Jodie was a parent too so she got it. Dean and Sam may be brothers, but Jodie knew Dean had basically raised Sam and all those protective instincts ingrained in parents toward their children applied to Sam and Dean.

Jodie was stroking Dean’s hair as he was hugging her and crying his head on her shoulder. She felt a bit out of her depth at how to help him. Dean had been through so much and carried so much pain and guilt in him, so she just offered what comfort she could. 

When Dean had finally cried himself out, Jodie took a look at his blood soaked and torn clothes and felt the tremors still running through his body. “How about a piece of pie, get some sugar in you and then you can get cleaned up?” Jodie asked with a gentle smile as she cupped Dean’s cheek. 

Dean gave her a small smile and his eyes lit up a bit when she mentioned pie causing Jodie to chuckle. After a cup of coffee and some pie, Dean headed off to the shower, and Jodie dug out some of her husband’s old clothes out for Dean to change into. Dean was broader and more muscular than her husband but they were about the same height and they would do in a pinch. 

Jodie was nursing her cup of coffee wondering what the right thing to do here was. Should she call Sam or honor Dean’s wish for her to not to say anything? Despite Crowley’s actions, the way Crowley looked at Dean made Jodie really uncomfortable. It was a mix of tenderness and respect, but there was also possessiveness and something else Jodie couldn’t put her finger on. 

As if her thoughts called out to him Crowley popped back in looking much more like his usual polished self. 

“Where’s Dean?” Crowley demanded looking around, but before Jodie could answer Dean came out of the bathroom. 

Jodie’s smile was bittersweet when she saw Dean wearing her husband’s clothes, and yeah she might have thought of Dean like a son but damn that boy was fine. Her husband’s clothes were snug hugging Dean’s frame and accentuating his body. Dean’s hair was wet and ruffled, and his skin was flushed pink from the steam of the shower making his freckles stand out. 

Jodie smiled at Dean fussing with the shirt that he could just about button when she looked up at Crowley and knew right away what that other emotion was she saw on Crowley’s face earlier. 

It was outright lust. 

Jodie shivered, making up her mind right then that she was calling Sam the first chance she got. 

Crowley had spent the last couple of hours agitated and inpatient. He wasn’t doing anything important when Dean called, but he could tell Dean needed some time with Jodie. 

Crowley scowled again at the way Dean seemed to bring out emotions he hadn’t felt since he himself was human, and he couldn’t help the surge of jealousy he felt when Dean leaned into Jodie’s hug seeking comfort. 

“This is the last time Dean was going to lean on anyone other than himself.” Crowley vowed. 

Finally enough time passed and Crowley went back to Jodie’s, getting nervous when he couldn’t see Dean right away. Crowley had just demanded where’s Dean when he saw Dean walk out of the bathroom. Dean was wearing slacks and a dress shirt that were about a size too small and Crowley raked his gaze over Dean. He looked incredible. The clothes showed off his body, Dean’s skin was dewy from the shower and his hair was mussed and damp like he just had sex. 

Crowley discretely adjusted himself, but he couldn’t hold back a moan when Dean bent down to put on shoes causing the tight material to showcase his ass perfectly. Crowley decided right then and there that Dean would never put on a pair of jeans again if he could help it. 

Dean straightened up and blushed as he caught Jodie and Crowley’s stares. “I look dumb don’t I?” Dean asked fussing with the shirt again self consciously. 

Jodie smiled fondly walking over to give Dean another hug. “Dumb is not exactly the word I would use bucko.” She joked causing Dean to frown in confusion. 

Crowley cleared his throat loudly reaching out and pulling Dean to him completely incapable of keeping his hands to himself any longer. “Okay Squirrel, beach, mountains or Vegas?” Crowley asked still gripping Dean’s arm. 

“What?” Dean asked not understanding what Crowley wanted. 

Crowley rolled his eyes, sighed loudly and repeated. “Beach, mountains or Vegas?”

“Uh beach I guess…” Dean answered. “But what…?” 

“Thank you again Sheriff.” Crowley said and before Jodie could utter another word they disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Dean finally gets taken care of by Crowley and Jodie. I hope you all like the Jodie surprise. I had originally planned on Crowley bribing some anonymous person in the hospital but then I went in this direction because I have always like the mothering aspect of Jodie and Dean's relationship and I've really put Dean through it lately.
> 
> I hope to get the next two chapters up tomorrow.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. I"m so sorry. I know I said I would post earlier but this chapter is kicking my butt. I changed it, went back to the original, rewrote it, went back to the original and IDK. I am sticking with my original vision and I hope that it is not too confusing. See end for more thoughts. 
> 
> Medium level smut warning. 
> 
> All mistakes are mind and I know I sound like a broken record but I cannot express how thankful I am at the continued comments and kudos.

Crowley snapped Dean to one of his safe houses, a house on the beach in North Carolina abutting the ocean. They were sitting on a padded bench situated on the wrap around porch staring at the waves. 

Dean was still shaken at the events of the last few hours; the assassination attempt, finally being able to kill the angel that caused him so much torment, and Sam and Cas assuming Dean was in the wrong and trying to lock him up, not even caring that he was gravely injured. Dean started trembling with emotion again, cursing himself for being so weak as tears filled his eyes despite his struggles to push the pain away. 

“Squirrel what's wrong?” Crowley asked turning to look at Dean in concern. 

Dean furiously wiped at his eyes, shaking his head. “I just can't believe…, they just…” Dean sighed struggling to get the words out. 

After taking a deep breath he continued. “They just assumed I was the monster, and if it wasn't for you I would be dead because they just wanted to lock me up and destroy my blade. They wouldn't even listen to me try to explain, or even ask if I was hurt.” Dean said in a low tone choking up at the last few words. 

Dean turned to Crowley looking lost and hurt. “I didn't do anything to make them feel like that. I've never hurt an innocent, I've never tried to hurt them. I just..., I just don't understand.” Dean mumbled looking down at his hands. His heart and soul were screaming in pain. Dean had been through so much and he was amazed that he could still feel the hurt. 

Crowley just slapped Dean on the shoulder. “Well I know one thing that might help.” He smirked. 

“What?” Dean said looking up and then laughed when Crowley snapped two bottles of Craig and two glasses onto the bench between them. 

Crowley and Dean were drunk. 

They were finishing up the second bottle of Craig. Dean was giggling over something stupid and twirling the cap in his hands, which he then dropped and Crowley snorted as Dean watched it bounce off his knee and roll down on the ground like it was the seventh wonder of the world. 

“Oh no!” Dean cried out, reaching down to grab it. Dean was too drunk to stop his momentum and starting rolling right off the bench. 

Crowley laughed and grabbed Dean around the waist pulling him up with a jerk causing Dean to land flat on his back with his head in Crowley lap looking up at him. 

Crowley stared down at Dean’s beautiful face. His eyes were shining emeralds in the moonlight, and Crowley’s breath hitched. Unable to stop himself, Crowley moved his hand and started to stroke Dean’s face, tracing his cheekbones and running his thumb across his lips while his other hand stroked Dean’s hair. 

Dean signed in pleasure and then got a serious look on his face. “Why’d you do it Crowley?” Dean asked in a whisper. 

“Do what?” Crowley questioned marveling that Dean was letting him touch him this way. 

“Why’d you save me Crowley? If I died and became a demon you would have been in control of me so why’d you try so hard to stop it?” Dean asked staring up at him intensely.

Crowley paused in his stroking to find the right words. “I don’t know Squirrel.” Crowley said. “I think I just wasn’t ready yet.” Crowley admitted with a sheepish smile. 

“Ready for what?” Dean asked scrunching his face up in confusion causing Crowley to chuckle. 

“I’m not sure what will happen when you die and turn into a demon. Maybe Abaddon was right and you would not be you any more, just a mindless demon, or maybe you would still be you, but I didn’t want to take the chance.” Crowley explained.

Crowley hesitated, but then he figured what the hell, Dean probably wouldn’t remember this conversation tomorrow so he continued on. “I guess I wasn’t ready for you to not be Dean anymore.” Crowley admitted and then froze at the look of want that crossed Dean’s face. 

Crowley snapped his fingers, and Dean found the two of them lying on the master bed with Dean on his back and Crowley on his side facing Dean, still stroking his face. 

Dean stared up at Crowley in shock at what he had said, and Dean felt desired and needed for the first time in a long time and he didn’t want it to stop. 

Dean saw the intent in Crowley’s dark eyes and watched as he leaned down and kissed Dean, a surprisingly soft and gentle kiss that caused Dean to press up into Crowley’s lips opening his mouth and inviting Crowley in as the heat of arousal burned through Dean’s body. 

That seemed to be all it took because Crowley’s kiss became demanding, full of passion and seeking control. He shifted so his body was lying on top of Dean, pressing him into the mattress and Dean reached his arms around the demon and tugged at his hair pulling Crowley closer to him. 

Dean thrust his hips up against Crowley’s and gasped as pleasure zinged through his body when their cocks rubbed against each other. Impatient and trying to take control of the situation, Dean tried to flip their positions and unsuccessful, Dean reached down to touch Crowley when Crowley growled and pinned Dean down with his demon power. 

Crowley had pictured this moment so many times, but when Dean opened up to his kiss and gasped in need as their bodies pressed into one another Crowley was lost. When Dean tried to take the lead, Crowley’s demon side took over and Crowley lost what little bit of control he had and pinned Dean to the bed with his power as he ravished that gorgeous mouth moaning at the feel of Dean’s soft plump lips. It was better than he had ever imagined. 

Crowley snapped their clothes off and Crowley sat up staring down at Dean. Dean was lying on the bed, arousal in his eyes, pink lips slightly swollen from Crowley’s kiss, pinned and naked and Crowley could honestly say Dean was one of the most beautiful humans he had ever seen, and that was saying a lot as Crowley had been around for centuries. Crowley couldn’t hold back anymore and his mouth, teeth and hands were everywhere. 

Dean frickin Winchester was his for the taking and Crowley wanted to possess every cell of his body, every part of his soul. 

Dean was gasping beneath Crowley overwhelmed at the sensations the demon was bringing up in him. It was too much, too fast, and Dean was too drunk. Dean felt pleasure cascade through him, but guilt and shame followed right along with it. 

Dean didn’t deserve to feel like this. 

Dean didn't deserve pleasure. 

Dean was broken and so unlovable that even his family didn't want him anymore. 

And Crowley was a demon. Dean couldn’t allow himself to feel something for him, it wasn’t right. 

As the conflicting thoughts of stop and don't stop ran through Dean's alcohol soaked mind, he squirmed and gasped in pleasure at the feel of Crowley's hands and mouth on him. 

Dean moaned loudly when Crowley took Dean’s dripping cock into his mouth, but then Dean tried to push him away as too many feelings were rushing through Dean. 

He couldn't think.

He couldn't breathe. 

Dean wanted Crowley. He could admit that, but Dean’s head was spinning from passion, his heart was pounding out of his chest, and his breathing was raspy. 

Dean squeezed his eyes shut trying to gain control of his emotions and he saw blue. 

Dean’s body froze, his mind stuttered and all Dean could think of at that moment was Cas. 

“No!” Dean cried to himself willing the image away. Cas didn’t want him. He had never wanted him like that, and even if he did Dean was too dirty, too broken, too evil for something so pure and wonderful. 

Dean shoved Cas out of his mind, but he was still completely overwhelmed and wanted the sensations to stop or slow down. Now they were mixing together with memories of Abaddon, and he needed Crowley to stop.

Dean needed to know it was okay to feel this. Dean needed the pleasure to continue, but simultaneously he needed it to stop. 

Dean didn’t know what he needed as his mind was fuzzy and conflicted. 

“Crowley.” Dean gasped out. “Please, it's too much.” Dean begged and Crowley gasped and froze cursing himself for losing control and pushing too hard. 

“Okay Squirrel.” Crowley gasped. “I can’t…, I just have to…” Crowley ground out between gritted teeth. His cock was so hard it was downright painful. 

Crowley struggled with himself. He was seconds away from ignoring Dean and taking what he wanted, what he’s wanted for years, but he looked at Dean’s face and saw desire and arousal but also panic and a little fear. 

“Fuck.” Crowley gasped out. “Okay Squirrel.... Just a...” Crowley gasped fighting to gain control of himself and he shifted causing their cocks to rub together and oh bloody hell that was all it took and Crowley screamed as he came with Dean quickly following. 

Crowley rolled off Dean onto his back gasping. The orgasm had been so intense it shook Crowley to his core and he hadn't even been inside Dean yet. Crowley couldn't imagine how that was going to feel, but he knew he had screwed up. He had lost control and pushed too hard. 

He turned toward Dean, and Dean was slightly curled up looking at Crowley with relief and regret in his gaze. 

“Squirrel?” Crowley called gently running his hand through Dean’s soft hair. Dean froze for a second and then relaxed and gave Crowley a small smile. 

Dean reached out a hand and stroked Crowley’s chest. “M'fine Crowley. M'sorry.” Dean mumbled, and Crowley felt all those damn feelings again, making him want to comfort and soothe Dean. 

Crowley took a breath, snapped them both clean and clothed and got up, pulling the blanket over Dean. 

“Just rest Squirrel.” Crowley said leaning down and kissing Dean's forehead and then left the room cursing himself. One thing Crowley was certain of, Dean wanted him, but he knew Dean didn't want to want him or he needed permission to want him, so he just had to adjust his approach. He would make it so Dean had no choice but to accept him and then it would all fall into place. 

Feeling better with a new plan in mind Crowley snapped back to hell to take care of business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the incredibly slow burn finally gets some action and we have smut between Crowley and Dean.
> 
> I hope this wasn't too confusing. I want to be clear that while it seems to straddle the fence as to dubious consent and consensual in my mind and my intent was for it to be consensual. 
> 
> Yes they were both drunk but they knew what they were doing. Dean just got overwhelmed at all the feelings because of what has happened to him and also because one he can't allow himself to be happy because one he doesn't think he deserves it and second because Crowley is a demon and Dean knows logically its wrong. And while Crowley lost control and pushed too hard, he did stop when Dean asked. I hope I managed for some of that to come across. 
> 
> If you are not comfortable with m/m slash or just the smut in general, you can stop reading when Crowley snaps them into the bed and move onto the next chapter.


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go last chapter this week. Probably only a week or two left of posting. 
> 
> No triggers.

Dean was going stir crazy. He had been holed up in the beach house for almost two weeks. At first it was great. It gave him time to try to sort out his feelings and get himself back under control, and it allowed him to work on his ideas for taming the Mark. 

Crowley came by every night and they had dinner together. Well Dean ate and Crowley drank. But it was really nice. A couple of nights Dean had actually fallen asleep leaning up against Crowley, his head resting on the demon’s shoulder. 

When they were together they discussed Dean's progress with the Mark and how he could implement things. They talked about places they had been and Dean was fascinated with some of the tales Crowley told about various times in history. 

Crowley had even started to ask Dean’s advice on some hell issues. The thing that amazed Dean the most was Crowley actually listened to him. He didn’t automatically dismiss Dean’s thoughts and ideas, and he didn’t treat Dean like he was stupid. 

Crowley also kissed and stroked Dean at every opportunity, but he didn't press harder for anything more and Dean was grateful. Dean felt bad he freaked out that night, and he was glad Crowley had stopped. Dean knew this thing with Crowley had been headed this way for a long time, but Dean felt pulled in different directions. Crowley was a demon. Dean couldn’t feel anything for him, but at the same time Crowley made Dean feel safe, wanted and treasured even. It seems like what’s right is now wrong and what’s wrong is more wrong. 

Dean decided to get some fresh air and instead of walking along the beach as he has been prone to do the last few days, Dean decided to walk into town. He found a quaint diner and sat down at the counter. 

Dean was nursing his coffee waiting for his meal when two men sat on either side of him, pushing in close. Before Dean could tell them to back off a phone was thrown down in front of him. Dean gasped at the image, grabbing the phone. 

“What the fuck?” Dean growled looking up reaching behind him to pull out his blade at the smirking mouth full of teeth. 

“Calm down there Winchester.” The vampire ordered, tapping the phone. “You don't want your brother and angel to be hurt now do you?” He asked with a smirk. 

Dean forced himself to be calm, looking down at the image again. Sam and Cas were tied to poles a few feet from each other. Sam looked a little banged up but nothing too serious, and Cas looked pissed and worried. He was sitting inside a large sigil that Dean guessed bound his grace. 

“Let them go.” Dean demanded glaring up at the vampire with such fury the vamp actually leaned back a bit and looked at his friend for help. 

“Kate says hi Dean.” The other vampire said with a laugh, and Dean whipped his head around. The guy called someone on his phone and Dean heard him say “Yeah, he's here. One sec. It's for you.” He chuckled handing Dean the phone. 

“Let them go Kate.” Dean demanded into the phone. 

“Oh Dean baby, aren’t you glad to hear from me. I've missed you.“ Kate purred over the phone. 

“Kate, I mean it, let them go.” Dean repeated his voice full of menace. 

“Sure thing Dean baby.” And Dean was taken aback by her easy agreement. “As long as you do what I want without a fuss, I'll let them both go, totally unharmed.” She said and Dean could picture her slimy smile. 

“Go to the address you will be given tonight at 8, unarmed and alone.” Kate instructed. “And we'll have our long awaited wedding.” Kate giggled. “The high priest is already here and even daddy is coming to the ceremony. Isn't that great baby?” Kate said excitedly. “Oh, and I got an amazing dress, and…” 

“Kate.” Dean growled rolling his eyes. “Get on with it.”

“Oh you’re no fun Dean baby, but don't worry we have eternity for me to loosen you up.” Kate laughed, the sound sending chills down Dean’s spine. 

Kate then cleared her throat and got serious. “As I was saying, come alone and unarmed. We’ll perform the ceremony, and then I’ll let your brother and angel go. Sound like a deal?” Kate asked with another small giggle. 

Dean gripped the phone so hard in fury that it started to snap so he forced himself to relax. She held all the cards right now so Dean needed to keep his wits about him. 

“How do I know you won't change your mind once I'm there?” Dean asked through gritted teeth. 

“Oh come on now.” Kate drawled. You’re going to be my husband. I'm not going to start our marriage off on a bad note. I don't care about them. They’re just a means to an end, and they'll leave us vampires alone once you become one too.” Kate said her voice oozing confidence and glee. 

Dean grunted and kept silent, his mind racing. 

“But listen up Dean baby.” Kate said her gleeful voice now radiating threat. “Let me give you a picture of what you're going to walk into. Your brother and angel will be surrounded by at least ten vampires each far away from you, and no matter how good, fast or strong you are Dean, you won't get to them in time, not even one of them. The first step out of line for you and they are both toast. Understand?” Kate demanded.

“I got it.” Dean spat out. 

“Okay great.” Kate's voice changed right back to flirty and sexual. “I can't wait for our wedding night Dean. I've been thinking about our time together every night.” She purred. “I'll see you later.” She said, hanging up. 

The phone finally snapped under the pressure, and Dean threw it back at the vamp, who glared at Dean for breaking his phone. 

“Ok tough guy. He's the address.” The vampire smirked as he handed Dean a piece of paper and then placed a bag on the counter. "Kate wants you to wear this.” The vampires laughed, and they both got up and walked away. 

“Son of a bitch!” Dean yelled slamming his fist on the counter, making the waitress and some customers jump and look fearful. Dean apologized, threw some money on the counter and strode out of the diner. His body was coiled taut in anger and fear causing everyone to step quickly out of his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't really think she was gone did you? And I'm leaving you with another cliff hanger (sorry, well not really LOL).


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone I have two chapters for you this week and I'm so lucky that AnotherWorld3111 had edited them for me. She is an amazingly talented writer, and I'm very thankful. 
> 
> Thank you again for kudos and comments. I hope everyone is having a happy holiday season so far. 
> 
> Nothing really triggering just a vague reference to past non-con.

Sam sat at the table in the kitchen cradling a cup of cold coffee, his shoulders slumped, his eyes red and gritty from lack of sleep. How could he have let things go so wrong again? Yes, he had been hurt by Dean – betrayed, in fact. But despite his declarations to the contrary, Dean was his brother, and when Dean was the one who needed to be pulled out of the fire Sam had failed. Actually, he made things worse. Sam was so determined and focused on finding Dean after he kicked him out, to bring him back home. And then to save him from Abaddon, and to save him from the Mark. But out of everything he could get sidetracked by, Sam got sidetracked by letting his anger and superiority take over. So of course it all went to shit again.

Sure, Dean had been saved by an angel, a vampire, and a demon, and he’d even saved himself over, and over, and over again no matter how bad of a situation he was in. But the last time Sam had truly saved Dean? Was after the rawhead – and look how that turned out. An innocent was killed.

Sam's heart ached. Because he knew, before this big mess happened, that no matter what, Dean would always come for Sam. Be it to save him, or to do whatever it took to bring Sam back. And Sam, in return, lived his whole life taking it all for granted. From scraped knees, to bullies, to dad, to the yellow-eyed demon, to Ruby, and Lucifer, from himself with no soul, to the trials – over, and over. Dean had always been there, no matter what.

And how did Sam repay him?

He left for Stanford, cutting Dean out of his life entirely. He told Dean repeatedly that he was going to leave him once the yellow-eyed demon was killed, even though they had just reunited. He betrayed Dean for Ruby, almost _killing_ him in the process. He let Dean think he was in hell for a year. Left him to rot in purgatory for Amelia. And he disowned him for stopping the trials and letting Gadreel save him.

Sam sighed deeply again. Cas had returned from taking Hael back to the angels last night, and it was upsetting to see such hurt and betrayal on Castiel’s face. So when he got back, they didn’t really speak much last night.

Speaking of the angel… 

Cas shuffled into the kitchen, appearing as if he’d just woken up. Sam still found it strange that Castiel had to sleep now, but with the foreign grace dwindling down inside him, Cas needed the down time to try to recharge and preserve it for as long as he could.

“Sam,” Castiel said in greeting, going directly to the coffee maker and frowning at the empty pot. He turned to glare at Sam a little, making Sam snort to himself at the angry cat look. Castiel could sure act human when it came to his morning coffee.

“We're out,” Sam explained. His stomach took that moment to growl loudly. Castiel raised an eyebrow and Sam had to elaborate. “...We're out of everything… You know, Dean always handled all the shopping and…” Sam swallowed over the painful lump in his throat.

Dean always knew what to buy, how to make it last, and Sam just shopped with no thought for how long it would last and with no planning ahead because it was rarely ever his responsibility to do it. And there was only so much fast food he could take. 

Castiel sighed. “Let's go to the market, Sam. You need to get out of the bunker anyway, it’s been almost two weeks.” 

Sam just nodded. After finding out from Jody that Dean was, in fact, alive and saved by Crowley of course – Sam cringed, remembering the spectacular ass-reaming Jody had given him on the phone – there had been no sign of him since. They tried to summon Crowley, but he ignored them, despite them trying to actually summon him.

“Alright, Cas.” Sam stood up. “Let's go. We can try calling our contacts again to see if we can get a read on where Dean and Crowley might be.” Sam just hoped they were in time and that Dean was still… well. Dean. and not a demon. Sam shuddered to think what Crowley was doing with Dean. Sam had never met anyone more manipulative – Crowley had been the King of Crossroads for a reason, after all.

Sam didn’t realize how early it was until they pulled into the 24-hour Wal-Mart parking lot and noticed that it was fairly deserted. The sun was just starting to rise, casting a hazy glow across the sky. 

The two exited the car, and just as they started walking toward the store a scream resounded through the parking lot.

Looking around, Sam quickly noticed a woman struggling against three men who were trying to pull her into a van. He only needed to glance once at Cas, the two of them making eye contact, before they were taking off to help the woman.

Sam grabbed the arm of one man, pulling his grip from the woman’s arm when everything happened at once. She grinned up at Sam, her mouth full of fangs and bolts of electricity shot through Sam from a taser in the man’s hand. As Sam’s body froze up and his vision started to dim, he saw Castiel being hit with multiple tasers before he too started to fall. 

Sam groaned as he came awake. His body ached from the volts of electricity. He was lying on hard cement, but his head was cushioned on something soft.

“Sam? Are you okay?” That was Castiel’s voice… 

Opening his eyes, Sam realized that the soft cushion under his head was Castiel’s lap.

“Yeah,” Sam groaned, struggling to sit up. Cas helped him up, Sam taking note of the angel cuffs around Castiel’s wrists. They were attached to the floor with another heavy duty chain, about two feet long. Looking down, Sam saw that his own wrists were cuffed and attached to the floor too. He started to take in his surroundings next. They were in a small room with concrete floor and a heavy metal door, which is all he’d managed to take in before Castiel spoke up.

“I think we’re in the basement.”

“What do they want?” Sam asked, only for Castiel to shrug. Sam felt a bolt of fear run through him when he realized no one knew where they were, or that they were taken. Castiel had walked away from the angels in anger and feeling betrayed yet again by them, so no one was expecting to hear from him. And without Dean around, no one would realize Sam was missing for a long time. Maybe in a couple of weeks Jody might notice… but she was pretty pissed at Sam, so it could be even longer than that. 

Who was going to rescue them?

Sam and Castiel both tensed as they heard the sound of keys in a lock. The door slowly opened.

“Hey, Sam. It’s been a long time.”

“Kate,” Sam sneered as she sauntered into the room. Castiel, upon hearing the name and realizing it was the vampire who had kidnapped Dean, tried to lunge forward. But he was stopped short by the chain.

“Oh, how sweet.” Kate cackled at Cas’s attempt. “What’s the matter, angel? You upset that I had Dean when you passed up chance after chance?” 

“Let us go.” Castiel demanded. He didn’t even bother to address what the vampire said. However, Kate just laughed, waving dismissively at him.

“What do you want?” Sam said, his tone sharp as he brought her attention back onto him.

“Don’t worry yourself, Sam. I’m not going to hurt you.” Sam and Cas huffed in disbelief at the same time. Kate chuckled darkly. “Well. Actually, that depends on Dean. You guys are just a… means to an end,” Kate said, a delighted smile only twisting her features further. “And if my Dean-baby does as he’s told, I’ll let you go on your merry way, not a scratch on you!”

Castiel tried to lunge at Kate again on hearing what she called Dean. “What do you want with Dean?” He yelled. “Didn’t you do enough?” Castiel saw Sam glance sharply at him from the corner of his eye.

“Oh!” Kate clapped her hands in glee. “My Dean-baby didn’t tell you?”

“Tell us what?” Cas ground out.

“I guess I’m not really surprised,” Kate said. She seemed to think for a moment, looking curiously over both of them, before she shrugged carelessly. “Well, you just sit tight, boys. We still have time before the ceremony.”

She was just about to leave the cell, when Sam spoke up again, stopping her in her tracks. “You’re going to use us as bait.” 

Kate turned, a smile on her face. “Of course, Sam.” Kate said. “Getting the angel at the same time? Now that was a bonus, I’ll admit.”

But Sam shook his head. “Sorry, Kate. But Dean isn’t coming. So why not just let us go.”

“Do you really believe that?” Kate said, eyebrows raised as she squatted down, looking into Sam’s eyes. Sam couldn’t imagine Dean would come to help them, not after everything that happened in the bunker. And it was that belief which shone clearly in his eyes.

Kate smiled wide. “And this is just another reason why my Dean-baby belongs with me. You really don’t know your brother at all, do you Sam?” Kate stated, standing up again. Sam scoffed at her statement.

“I know him better than anyone.” Sam said, glancing sideways at Castiel. He thought Cas would dispute that statement, but Castiel was just glaring daggers at Kate, tugging uselessly at his handcuffs.

“No, you actually don’t,” Kate retorted. “Because Dean will come for you, Sam. For both of you,” Her grin suddenly turned sharper, more maniacal, and held absolutely none of the amusement that had been the only thing to lighten her face previously. “Doesn’t matter what happened. Dean will always come for you. My Dean-baby has loyalty, more loyalty than anyone I've ever come across. So he'll be here, and he’ll be here soon,” Kate rubbed her hands together in visible glee. Sam just shook his head. He desperately hoped for the first time today that he was right and Dean wasn’t going to walk in to save them, not if it meant he was walking into a trap set by this _deranged_ creature. 

“Give them some food and water,” Kate said, to the guard, the smirk never leaving her face. “I don’t want them going hungry. What kind of sister-in-law would that make me?” 

The door slammed shut once again before Sam registered what she said. When he did, he could do nothing but look to Castiel with shock.

“What is she talking about, Cas?” Sam asked desperately. “What did she mean she had Dean first? And ‘sister-in-law’ – what the hell is going on, Cas?” Sam cried out.


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go last chapter. Sorry for dragging it out. I'll post sooner than a week if AnotherWorld has a chance to edit more before then. 
> 
> No triggers in this chapter.

Dean pulled the Impala up to a warehouse. Always warehouses with these monsters, but it matched the information Dean was given. The building in question was really large, but as far as Dean could see there were only two doors on the bottom floor. Not moving from his spot, Dean stared at the building. 

_This was a really stupid plan_ , Dean thought for the hundredth time. All the outcomes Dean could think of, they all ended up with the same result, and it was most definitely not in Dean’s favor. If Dean got turned into a vampire, his life was over and he was screwed. If Dean turned into a mindless demon, he was under Crowley's control and screwed. If Dean turned into a demon and was still himself, he was still under Crowley's control and screwed. If the Mark and the vampire blood burned him out from the inside, three guesses what happened to Dean.

Well, all that mattered was saving Sam and Cas. Dean snorted to himself. At least he would go out doing the one thing that made him who he was; saving Sam.

Dean got out of the car, grimacing as he ran his hand down the leather pants Kate was forcing him to wear. They were so tight, they left nothing to the imagination. He guessed it was because Kate didn’t want him sneaking in any weapons – or she just wanted to see Dean in them. He wouldn’t put it past her if it was. Hell, Crowley was so enamored of the pants, he joked – at least Dean hoped he was joking – of making sure Dean wore them all the time.

Shirtless with just a leather band ornament wrapped around his left bicep, Dean knew he’d need to hide the mark, figuring the Alpha would know what it was. So he gave himself some cuts, had Crowley hit him a few times, and then applied some bandages so that it wouldn’t look suspicious. Hopefully.

“Okay,” Dean muttered to himself. “It’s showtime.” Getting out of the car, he strode over to the main entrance quickly, pushing the door open.

_Here goes nothing._

Dean took a deep breath. He was hoping against hope that this ridiculous plan of his would actually work, or even work well enough to the point that Cas and Sam could be rescued. At that thought, Dean felt a sort of peace settle over him. He’d always known he would go out on the job. If it happened while Dean was doing what was built into his core, his soul, than Dean was okay with that. Hell, he was more than okay with saving his brother. He just really wanted to make sure Kate was killed too.

Dean walked in, pausing to take in the surroundings, and – holy crap, there were a lot of vampires here. At least a couple hundred were seated in a C shape, their backs to Dean. In the center stood Kate, the Alpha, and a shaman clad in robes. They were all right in the middle of a giant devil's trap. Dean snorted, looking down. Sure enough, right in front of the door he’d just entered through, and one on the far side – the only two entry points to the windowless building, Dean noted – had devil traps painted right at the entrance. 

Dean walked over to Kate, cringing at the manic smile on her stupid face. She squealed and jumped up on Dean pulling him into a kiss. Immediately, Dean tried to squirm away, but Kate yanked his hair and whispered to into his ear.

“Better behave now, Dean.” Her voice was dripping saccharine sweetness. “What happened, Dean-baby?” Kate said with a pointed look at the bruises and bandages.

“Nothing to worry about, bitch.” Dean sneered. He snorted when he saw the Alpha started to move towards him at hearing Dean call Kate a bitch. Kate merely waved him off.

“It’s okay, daddy.” She cooed, not taking her eyes off of Dean. “He wouldn’t be my Dean if he didn’t fight until the end.” Kate said, patting Dean’s cheek.

Yeah, okay, Dean had had enough now. “Where’s Sam and Cas?” Dean growled. Kate waved a hand and a wall of vampires parted, and Dean turned to look. Tucked in the corner of the warehouse were Sam and Cas, both tied up, and easily surrounded by eight or nine vampires – each. The ones around Sam were armed with knives and guns, and the ones around Cas were holding angel blades and holy fire jugs.

“See, Dean baby.” Kate said. “One wrong move and they’re toast. Even you’re not fast enough to get to them in time; definitely not both of them.” Dean glared, but he knew she was right.

Turning again, he pulled free from her grip. Caught off-guard, she watched as Dean walked right up to the Alpha and looked at him directly into his eyes.

“You have one chance to let Sam and Cas go and call this farce off, or this will be the worst decision of your not for long life.” Dean threatened, glaring daggers as the Alpha’s eyebrows rose at Dean’s words.

Fast to the point that Dean didn’t even see the Alpha raise his hand, he backhanded Dean so forcefully that Dean was thrown to the ground. The Alpha yanked Dean back up by his arm and leaned in to whisper. “Dean, my child,” the Alpha said, running his hand through Dean’s hair as if he was a little child. Dean growled in anger, and trying to jerk out of the Alpha’s grasp. “Don’t forget your place. You may be becoming the vampire King but I am still the Alpha, and you. Will. Still. Answer. To. Me.” Dean’s teeth clacked together as the Alpha punctuated each word with a violet shake. Taking a deep breath to give his brain a few seconds to unscramble, he leaned right back in and whispered in return. 

“You’re gonna regret this, _Dad_ ,” he said with such blatant disrespect that the Alpha raised his hand to slap Dean again. But Kate quickly pulled it back, forcing her way in between the two.

“Daddy, please. Not his face!” Kate pleaded. Long seconds passed with the Alpha glaring at Dean, however, he suddenly smiled.

“Of course, my child.” He said. He let Dean go, turning to hug his daughter, his chin resting on the top of her head, but his eyes never left Dean’s.

“Thank you, daddy.” Kate cooed, rising up on her tiptoes to kiss the Alpha’s cheek, both choosing to ignore Dean’s snort of disgust. 

The Alpha pushed Kate gently away after a while. “Let’s get started, shall we?” He said, turning toward the shaman. Kate pulled Dean into another kiss, him grimacing his way through it, and when she finally let go, he took another look around. He felt a twinge of relief when he saw Annie over by the far door, her foot subtly rubbing at the devil’s trap at a place where it wouldn’t be easily noticeable.

“Can I say goodbye?” Dean asked Kate, desperately trying to buy some time, but she shook her head, her face quickly morphing into anger and jealousy.

“No, Dean-baby. Your brother and that angel don’t matter anymore. Your new family and I are all that matters now.” She grinned, not without a hint of insanity in Dean’s mind, rubbing her hands down his arms and chest. Kate pulled Dean forward until he stood next to her in front of the shaman and the Alpha. Looking up at the Alpha, Dean tried to get through to the vampire again.

“You can't really want me as your son-in-law. I mean – you hate me!”

The Alpha laughed. “No, Dean, I don’t hate you. You were once my child, and now you will be my child again. All will be fine. Besides, you’re the best hunter in the world. You being a vampire will keep us all safe.” Dean just shook his head in disgust, grabbing his forearm over the burning Mark.

“ _You better come through for me you fucker_.” Dean thought, talking to the Mark.


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I'm very sorry that this is a couple of days late. I guess I procrastinated about posting the last 3 chapters and the epilogue. Part of me is sorry to see it end and part of me is worried some people won't be happy with it. But as Chuck said "Endings are hard. Endings are impossible."
> 
> See end of fic for more thoughts. First part of the chapter was beta'd by AnotherWorld3111, but all mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Triggers are violence, blood and gore.

Sam squirmed around on the floor trying to get more comfortable. He and Cas had been sitting here almost all day with breaks to eat and use the restroom, but Sam’s legs and ass were going numb now. Still, that didn’t matter as much as the fact that Sam was _scared _. He’d been listening to the vampires guarding them talk and jeer about Dean all day, and from everything Sam heard, Dean was supposed to come and let himself be turned and then bonded in some crazy ancient ritual in exchange for Sam and Cas’ lives. He felt sick that his carelessness in getting nabbed by the vampires was going to spell out the end for Dean, because as mad at Dean that Sam was, and as guilty as Sam felt at what had transpired in the bunker, he knew that Kate was right and Dean would show up.__

__Sam met Castiel’s eyes in horror and pain when the vampires starting talking about when Kate had kidnapped Dean the last time. When they joked and made snide comments about how she had drugged... and… and _raped _Dean… Sam felt an overwhelming flood of guilt along with the more imminent sense of nausea, he was so awful to Dean after what his brother had gone through.___ _

____Sam ran scenario after scenario through his head, but he couldn’t imagine a way out of this. Maybe after Dean turned, they could give him the cure, but he was sure Kate would make him feed right away. Sam suspected that despite her promises that Sam and Cas would be freed uninjured if Dean cooperated… he still had a bad feeling that he was going to be Dean’s first meal._ _ _ _

____He flinched when the door was thrown open with a loud bang, watching when Dean paused to take in his surroundings before walking over to Kate. His brother’s face was a thunderous cloud of anger and rage. Sam knew Dean would come, and yet, there was a part of him that was worried that the Mark might have corrupted him too much and that he wouldn’t. Cas made a hurt sound and Sam met his eyes. Castiel’s eyes were tearing up at seeing Dean, aware that Dean was about to basically die for them._ _ _ _

____Swallowing, Sam turned his focus to watching Kate force Dean into several kisses with no small amounts of disgust. At one point, it looked like Dean tried to talk some sense into the Alpha, only for the Alpha to slap Dean hard enough for him to hit the floor. Sam grit his teeth, practically able to see the rage coming from Dean._ _ _ _

____The three then turned to the shaman and Kate spoke up telling everyone to settle down, and sure enough, the building went dead silent. Sam and Cas watched in horror as the Alpha cut his wrist and bled into a chalice, which was handed to Dean. Sam could see the look of panic on Dean’s face, Dean’s voice clear as a bell when he asked Kate why he wasn’t drinking her blood._ _ _ _

____“Because, Dean-baby,” Kate cooed, her voice just as loud but aggravating enough to make Sam’s blood boil. “Daddy’s blood is the purest. You’ll turn within a minute or two, and no matter what tricks you have up your sleeve, no cure will work on the Alpha’s blood.”_ _ _ _

____After a quick glance at Sam and Cas, Dean didn’t even hesitate. Sam’s stomach sunk as he watched Dean roughly grab the chalice and chug the blood, his face wiped completely of any emotion. Sam couldn’t do anything but watch helplessly as Dean flung the chalice away with a loud clang. His mouth smeared in red, Dean didn’t even bother wiping it away as he demanded that Sam and Cas be released._ _ _ _

____“Not yet, baby,” Kate said, her eyes pinned on Dean with an intense heat in them. “You change, we do the ceremony, they get released.”_ _ _ _

____Intent as he was watching the drama play out, Sam jerked in surprise when he felt a hand clamp down on his shoulder._ _ _ _

____“Hello boys.” Crowley said in a whisper and Cas and Sam looked up in shock. Crowley was crouched down next to them and Sam could see smoke being forced down the throats of their guards. Sam didn’t even know a vampire could be possessed but I guess a meatsuit is a meatsuit._ _ _ _

____“It’s not ideal.” Crowley said answering Sam’s questioning look. “But it will work temporarily. Let’s go.” In an instant Sam and Cas were standing on the catwalk so high up they could touch the ceiling looking down at the ceremony along with a petite very attractive vampire who just smiled at Sam’s questioning look.  
____

___“Crowley bring us down there.” Castiel demanded but Crowley shook his head, and Cas was too weak from the angel cuffs and stolen grace that there was nothing he could do._ _ _

____“Just be quiet and watch the show.” Crowley said. “You not getting hurt is part of the deal.” Crowley said with a smirk._ _ _ _

____“What deal?” Sam demanded, fear shooting through him which was mirrored in Castiel’s eyes when Sam looked up._ _ _ _

____“Never mind that now.” Crowley hissed. “Be quiet!” And Sam watched Crowley take the First Blade out of his jacket and place it on the ledge in front of him. The sight of the blade sent fear and loathing through Sam. It represented everything that was wrong with Dean now and a glaring sign of Sam’s failure to be there for his brother._ _ _ _

____Dean knew this plan was a long shot, a very long shot, but when the Alpha himself bled into the cup Dean knew he was screwed. “Oh well, I had a good run.” Dean thought accepting the inevitable defect. At least he knew Crowley would do everything in his power to make sure Dean didn’t leave this warehouse alive if he turned into a vampire - it was part of the deal._ _ _ _

____After he snuck a quick glance at Sam and Cas and without giving himself a chance to think about it too long, Dean grabbed the chalice and chugged the blood, which burned and boiled down his throat. He tried to hold back a scream of pain as the Mark instantly flared up and started burning so red it could be seen through the bandage, but luckily the Alpha and Kate were staring at Dean’s face and weren’t paying attention._ _ _ _

____Dean screamed in pain and doubled over as the blood hit his stomach causing an unbearable cramp. Dean cringed at the dreaded feeling of his starting to turn and straightened up taking a breath as the cramp subsided only to fold over again when an even stronger one hit._ _ _ _

____Dean’s eyes flared red and Dean could feel the fangs trying to break through his gums, the pain intense. He felt them descend and pull back like a tug of war in his mouth, making it ten times more painful than the last time he got fangs._ _ _ _

____Dean’s vision was blurry and red. It felt like fire was racing through his veins, and Dean thought for a moment he might actually internally combust the heat was so great. Then he felt a coolness and his body relaxed minutely. After breathing a sigh of relief, Dean’s stomach exploded in pain again, and Dean fell to his knees wrapping his arms around his stomach as screams of pain he could no longer hold back burst forth filling the expectant silence._ _ _ _

____Then, Dean started gagging and it felt like his entire stomach was trying to push its way out of his throat, and with tears streaming down his face he started heaving, the force of which was causing his entire body to spasm._ _ _ _

____Finally after what felt like hours but was only a minute or two, Dean gave one final heave and the Alpha’s blood poured out of Dean’s mouth into a small puddle in front of him. Dean blinked and looked down in astonishment. There was no bile, no stomach contents, just a puddle of thick blood. Dean instantly felt the pain recede from his body as a coolness replaced the fire, and Dean stood up._ _ _ _

____Everyone stood in shock staring down at the blood at Dean’s feet. “Huh.” Dean said. “Wasn’t expecting that.”_ _ _ _

____Kate turned to him her face pinched and red with fury. “How is that possible?” She screeched and then turned to the Alpha. “Daddy what happened?” She cried out._ _ _ _

____The Alpha himself had a stunned look on his face, and he stepped closer to Dean finally noticing the Mark burning red through the bandage. The Alpha grabbed Dean’s arm and yanked off the bandage._ _ _ _

____“No!” He said his face actually paling. “That’s impossible.” The Alpha looked at Dean in shock, and Dean smirked and thought._ _ _ _

____“Game on asshole.”_ _ _ _

____“Oh it’s possible.” Dean said with a smile. “A gift from Cain himself, and lucky me the Mark is not okay with me becoming an undead parasite.”_ _ _ _

____The Alpha’s face twisted in murderous intent. “You think that will matter against something like me?” The Alpha screamed and he lunged at Dean. Dean easily side stepped away, the Mark making Dean’s reflexes almost as fast as the Alpha’s, and as the Alpha spun around to attack again, Dean raised his arm and called his Blade._ _ _ _

____The First Blade flew into Dean’s hand, and just as the Alpha’s fingers were about to curl around Dean’s throat he stabbed the Alpha in his heart. A collective gasp echoed through the building and Kate screamed. Dean pulled his Blade free, and as the Alpha sunk to his knees, a look of utter disbelief on his face, Dean swung and watched with glee as the Alpha’s head rolled._ _ _ _

____“Nooo Daddy!” Kate screamed, and then yelled out. “Kill them!” Turning to where Sam and Cas had been tied up. Her eyes widened in disbelief when she realized they were no longer there and the vampire guards eyes blinked black._ _ _ _

____“That’s not possible.” She stuttered, and Dean chuckled. Kate turned back to him launching herself at Dean once again but this time to kill not kiss. “You bastard. I was offering you the world.”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah well, pass.” Dean snarked deftly avoiding her lunge and rolling back his shoulders preparing to fight. Dean was going to enjoy every punch, every cut, every hurt he rained down on her his mind flashing back to that helpless feeling of being chained to her bed, her forcing herself on Dean, and the feeling of her fangs sinking into his flesh. But after a surprisingly pretty decent defense on Kate’s part, Dean got tired of the game, and took her head off with a scream of satisfaction._ _ _ _

____Again there was a shocked silence, the vampires unable to believe their Alpha and Kate were dead, and then the entire warehouse erupted in violence, vampires swarming to get to Dean and kill him while the demon vamps started attacking._ _ _ _

____Dean felt exhilaration run through his body as he threw himself into the fight hacking and stabbing, dancing and parrying, and the Mark purred in satisfaction._ _ _ _

____A large amount of vampires tried to flee but found the two doors blocked by a couple of angels who calmly dispatched the vampires with the angel blades while preventing any from escaping. Between the demons, the angels at the door and Dean with the Blade it was a bloodbath as vamp after vamp fell painting the floor and walls of the warehouse red._ _ _ _

____In the midst of the fighting Dean looked up to see Crowley had Sam and Cas safely away from the violent altercation high above on the catwalk. Annie as well was up there, and Dean was glad Crowley thought to grab her before she accidently was killed by a demon or angel, after all without her breaking the devil’s trap Crowley wouldn’t have been able to sneak in._ _ _ _

____Dean locked eyes with Sam and he let the relief he felt at Sam being safe shine through, in an instant conveying to Sam that he still loved him more than his own life and nothing that happened mattered. Dean then flicked his gaze to Cas meeting the blue and tried in the second or two to convey his love and gratitude. Then Dean turned his attention back to the fight not waiting to see how either of them would look back at him._ _ _ _

____“Crowley let us down there to help.” Castiel demanded still too weak to break Crowley’s hold._ _ _ _

____“No can do.” Crowley said._ _ _ _

____“Well go down there yourself and help him.” Sam screamed his voice thick with panic, but Crowley shook his head._ _ _ _

____“Look at him Moose. Does he look like he needs help?” Crowley chuckled. “Plus look there are the reinforcements.”_ _ _ _

____Castiel looked at one of the doors shocked to see Hannah fighting side by side with Hael at one door and another two angels he recognized from his army at the other. They were blocking any vampires from leaving, and Castiel watched as more demons squeezed by them joining in the fray._ _ _ _

____Castiel looked at Crowley in confusion and shock that the demon was helping on such a grand scale._ _ _ _

____“All part of the deal.” Crowley answered the unspoken question, his words fully registering on Sam and Castiel at the same time._ _ _ _

____“What deal Crowley?” Castiel growled. “You will not take Dean’s soul.”_ _ _ _

____Crowley just waved a hand dismissively. “Piff. Thinking too small feathers.”_ _ _ _

____Castiel went to demand an explanation, but Crowley put his hand up stopping him. “Looks like the show’s almost over.” Crowley said smiling down at Dean like a proud papa. And then with a snap all four of them were standing outside the warehouse._ _ _ _


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a shorter chapter but it didn't fit with the one before or after so I split it.

Earlier in the day

Dean stormed back to the beach house his heart racing in fear and rage, his mind trying to come up with a way to save Sam and Cas. He called Crowley and then sighed loudly and made another call. Finally, he made his last call, which was much easier, as Hael was eager to help Dean and save Cas and promised she would be there as soon as possible. Dean was not sure what shape Sam and Cas would be in so he wanted someone there who could heal them. 

Dean was surprised and angry to see Hannah and two other angels arrive with Hael but after talking with Hannah Dean realized she really cared about Cas, not just as a commander, and while jealousy churned in Dean's gut he was glad Cas would have someone when this was all over. 

Of course it didn't stop the bitch from asking for something in return for their help. Dean had to agree to stay away from Cas but that wasn't going to be a problem, Cas was done with Dean and on top of that Crowley would never let him near the angel anyway so Dean agreed. 

When Dean had explained to Crowley what his plan was, Crowley was pissed about Dean's role because he didn’t go through all that trouble to save Dean to have him throw his life away not even a few weeks later. But Dean argued and reasoned and Crowley finally agreed. 

However, Crowley then threw Dean for a loop. Crowley insisted that a rescue this big would require dozens of demons and Crowley as king could not do that without getting something in return. 

Dean paused at the calculated look of glee that flashed across Crowley's face, a feeling of unease trickling through which was completely unexpected based on everything that had happened between him and Crowley of late, but the look was gone in an instant and Dean chalked it up to the nervous energy and worry over the plan. 

“What did you have in mind?” Dean questioned and Crowley pondered for a bit tapping a finger against his chin as he thought. 

“One year.” Crowley said arching a brow at Dean. 

Dean looked back confused. “One year what, until you take my soul? Is that even possible now with the Mark?” Dean asked a little shocked Crowley wanted his soul. He couldn’t imagine it would be worth anything anymore. 

“Not your soul for eternity Squirrel. I want you, body and soul, for one year.” Crowley said, and again that predatory look flashed across his face as he stepped up to Dean pulling him into a passionate kiss. 

“I don't understand Crowley.” Dean said his voice a little lower as the kiss had affected him. 

Crowley huffed. “One year Dean. One year you serve me as Knight of Hell, body guard, advisor, hunter, friend and most importantly.” Crowley said caressing Dean's ass. 

“Consort.”

Dean reared back in shock but the thought was not as unpleasant as he thought it would be. “And when the year is up?” Dean asked. “Or if I turn before then?” 

Crowley stared at Dean intensely, lust unmistakable in his eyes. “A deal with the King of Hell will supercede your turning, you will still belong to me, and I will set new terms when the end of the year draws close.” Dean looked away deep in thought and Crowley tried to suppress a cackle of glee that Dean missed that very important little addition to the deal. 

“Could he do it?” Dean wondered. Could he let himself be owned and controlled by another demon. Dean thought about Alistair. Dean had belonged to him longer than Dean had been alive. He was all Dean knew for 40 years. Alistair might have stopped the torture when Dean got off the rack and said yes, but Dean never stopped being Alistair's pet. And now he would be in a similar situation.

But was Crowley really like Alistair? 

Dean had to think about that because despite the fact that Crowley was more manipulative and smarter than Alistair would ever hope to be, Crowley has never really forced himself on Dean and he had lots of opportunities to kill or take Dean. Hell if he had let Dean die after the Ephraim stabbed him Dean would be in that position already, completely under Crowley's control so Crowley must want more than what all the other's wanted from Dean, more than just a strong arm and a body, a pretty mouth and an ass to fuck. 

Crowley seemed to want Dean for just Dean and it seemed like he valued his opinion and thoughts. Hell, Dean was screwed either way, he would end up a vampire, which would in turn lead him to being killed before he walked out of that warehouse, which would be a definite part of the deal, or he could turn into a demon and be under Crowley's thumb anyway. 

And that part of Dean he had shoved so far down inside himself that always craved to be wanted and needed; the little boy who never had anyone care about his feelings, his desires before their own, wanted to reach out and grab onto that because Crowley made him feel wanted, made him feel respected for himself and he surprisingly made Dean feel protected. But still Dean paused.

“Crowley that's a lot to ask.” Dean said. 

“Not really.” Crowley crooned stroking Dean's chest and again running his hands over Dean's ass. “You already basically work for me/with me, you already have and would protect me against my enemies, and I know you desire me.” Crowley said listing off the points with his fingers. And Dean." And Crowley paused for a second a hesitate look on his face. 

"Squirrel, I'm all you have."

Dean flinched at the statement as pain and sadness sliced through him, but unfortunately Crowley was right. And Dean couldn't really argue with anything that he said because it was all true, and when Crowley had squeezed his ass Dean felt his dick twitch in response. 

“Squirrel this deal needs to be something big and significant or I can't help. I just got the throne back.” Crowley said sounding apologetic. 

Dean thought about Sam and Cas getting hurt or killed or even worse being used as food for blood sucking monsters and killed slowly. Their lives on the line again because of Dean and Dean’s problems. Dean knew with the Mark he was probably going to end up right here regardless so Dean shoved down his doubts, muttered deal and pulled Crowley in for a kiss sealing his fate for a year - that is if he survives this and doesn’t become a vampire king.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry.


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. Final scene before the epilogue.

Crowley stood away from all the activity outside the building watching his demons do cleanup of the vampire corpses as he saw Sam and then Castiel approach Dean. Crowley figured he would give them a minute before whisking Dean away. 

Crowley rocked on his heels, licked his lips and clutched one hand in the other behind his back completely satisfied with how things turned out despite a few curve balls and setbacks. All that planning and manipulating and now he had what he wanted, Dean as or soon to be a Knight of Hell, Dean as his pet and most important.

Dean completely and utterly under Crowley's control. 

From the first time Crowley saw Dean in his house when they came looking for the colt, this had been his end game. But there were too many apocalypses and too many bloody things always getting in the way and setting him back. But now, finally after a giant push from Moose, after finally getting Dean to trust him, to getting Cain to give Dean the Mark, to helping keep Dean hunting alone, and all the other little plots and maneuvering and angles he played for this one final outcome. 

“Bloody hell I'm a genius.” Crowley congratulated himself. 

Crowley watched the drama unfold between the three men and was not liking the look on Dean's face. Fuck, all these feeeelings Crowley now had regarding Dean were a nuisance and this was the one drawback to everything that has happened. Crowley wanted to be in control, dominant and cold, but somehow Dean had also made him care. Crowley sighed loudly swearing again under his breath at the urge to go intervene or even more horrifying hug Dean. “Bloody fucking christ!” Crowley swore again. 

Crowley pushed those feelings down deep and focused instead of all the things he was going to do with Dean and to Dean. He was smiling to himself at the images when Hannah tentatively approached and stood next to Crowley, also watching Dean, Sam and Castiel. 

“You're not going to tell him are you?” Hannah asked, sneaking a side glance at Crowley her face pinched in fear and worry. 

Crowley pursed his lips in anger. Her presence and the reminder of her ineptitude ruining his buzz. “I should seeing as you bloody well broke the one and only rule I gave you when I said I would help you find a way to break that bond between feathers and Dean. I told you that no harm could come to Dean.” Crowley said forcefully just managing to keep his voice down. 

Crowley turned slightly to glare at Hannah who looked nervously down. “I held up my part of bargain. I created and gave you the sigil to block Dean's prayers and I performed the magic on feather duster’s phone to hide the calls and text. I did my part and you sent angels to _kill _Dean.” Crowley spat out losing his composure for a moment.__

__“I didn't.” Hannah stuttered. “It wasn't me. He was a rogue angel. I’m not even sure where he came from. He lied to Hael and Josefiel. I … .”_ _

__“Enough.” Crowley snarled tired of the excuses. “Doesn't matter.” He said turning back to watch Cas try to talk to Dean frowning at the look of shame and sadness on Dean’s face._ _

__“I trust you’re participation in this little rescue will bring feathers back into the fold?” Crowley asked, an eyebrow raised in question._ _

__Hannah nodded. “We hope that will be the case.” She said._ _

__“Well whatever you do, just keep him away from Dean and your secret is safe.” And without giving Hannah a chance to reply Crowley went to Dean's side._ _

__Dean looked over at Sam and Cas talking with Hael and when Sam caught Dean's gaze his eyes hardened in anger and before Dean could try to think of what to say to Sam, he was at his side, grasping his arm tight enough to bruise and glaring down at Dean._ _

__“What did you do?” Sam snarled at him._ _

__Dean flinched at the anger but stood his ground. “What I had to Sammy. I had to save you, you and Cas.”_ _

__“You made another deal.” Sam ground out through clenched teeth. “What is it? Crowley said it wasn’t your soul so what?”_ _

__Dean hesitated and Sam squeezed his arm tighter in warning anticipating that Dean was going to try to get out of explaining himself. So Dean took a deep breath and told Sam what the deal entailed._ _

__“Dean!” Sam ground out, his voice a mixture of frustration, rage and loss, his face pale. “Why? Why do you always have to throw yourself away for me? How could you make that deal? I don't want that from you.” Sam yelled shaking Dean in his frustration._ _

__Dean jerked out of Sam's grasp. “Yeah Sam I know. You don't want anything from me do you?” Dean demanded mistaking Sam's hurt and fear for more anger and rejection. Dean looked away trying to hide the hurt, his fists opening and closing, as the Mark started screaming and burning._ _

__Dean took a deep breath pushing the hurt and rejection down deep. Dean turned to walk away and found Cas was standing directly in his path his expression telling Dean he had heard everything._ _

__“Dean.” Cas said in that growly voice, so much meaning conveyed in just saying his name. Dean looked into Cas' eyes, trying to memorize them, seeing the confusion and the hurt there too._ _

__“Wow.” Dean thought. “I’m batting a thousand here.” Dean saved them but he hurt them, was a hero and a disappointment all at the same time. “Story of my frigging life.” Dean thought to himself._ _

__Not sure what to say Dean just asked Cas if he was okay. Cas tilted his head in that adorable way and said he was fine._ _

__“Dean.” Cas repeated when Dean looked down. “You can't do this. We'll find a way to get you out of this deal. We're sorry… I'm sorry for what happened.” Cas entreated._ _

__“No Cas.” Dean said in a firm voice looking up again. “It’s done and it’s fine. You guys are fine. The rest doesn't matter. I don’t matter.” Dean said, and Cas’ eyes narrowed. “But hey.” Dean said. “On the bright side, you don't have to be burdened with me and my fuckups anymore.” Dean said trying to joke but it fell flat. Dean cringed at the blue sparks that started shooting from Cas' eyes as his anger rose at Dean's words, and Sam made a squawk-like noise in denial or agreement Dean wasn’t sure._ _

__However, before either of them could say anything Crowley was by Dean's side, his arm slipping around Dean's waist, pulling him toward his body with a smirk. “Time to go Squirrel.” Crowley said, running his hand up Dean’s back._ _

__Dean swallowed hard feeling embarrassed and looked down wondering what this next chapter in his life was going to be like._ _

__Would Crowley change - become the demon he truly was or would he stay caring and respectful of Dean?_ _

__Would he see Sam again? Would Sam ever look at him without contempt and disappointment?_ _

__Would Cas ever want anything to do with him again knowing that Dean would be sharing Crowley's bed, that Dean was going back to hell after everything Cas lost by pulling him out._ _

__And yeah Dean realized for the first time since this all happened, he was going back to hell, to that dark place full of blood and pain and guilt. Well Dean thought he really should have never left in the first place so it’s some kind of poetic justice, but Dean was still scared._ _

__As Dean was looking down lost in his fears and thoughts, he missed the possessive triumphant smile Crowley gave Castiel._ _

__“Say goodbye Squirrel.” Crowley said raising his hand up to snap, and Dean jerked his gaze upward._ _

__Dean looked at Crowley with a slightly pleading look. “One more minute?” He asked and Crowley frowned and then nodded._ _

__Dean turned to Sam who was glaring at Crowley with a murderous expression. “Sammy.” Dean said softly and Sam turned. Maybe he read something in Dean’s expression or maybe he was just as tired of all the hard feelings but Sam’s expression softened. Dean took that as encouragement and he pulled Sam into a hard hug. Sam stood still for a second not moving and then he wrapped his arms around Dean._ _

__Sam couldn’t have been more shocked when Dean turned back to him and pulled him into a hug. After a few moments they pulled away and Dean smiled. Sam’s stomach sunk and his heart raced as he recognized that smile. It was the same smile Dean gave Sam when the clock was chiming 12 midnight all those years ago when the hell hounds came for Dean._ _

__“I’m sorry, Sam. For everything.” Dean said that frightening similar smile still present._ _

__“I’m... I’m sorry too Dean.” Sam said his eyes tearing up. “What am I supposed to do now?”_ _

__“Whatever you want to Sam. “ Dean said sadly knowing Sam would be just fine without him._ _

__Dean turned back to Crowley, and Sam gritted his teeth as Crowley wiped a tear from Dean’s face and raised his brow in question. Dean nodded and looked up at Sam and Cas and said. “See ya fellas.” And then Crowley snapped Dean away._ _

__Sam and Cas both demanded he bring Dean back but Crowley just shook his head. He then gave them an evil smile. “Now just to clear things up to avoid any issues in the future.” Crowley said. “Dean’s deal is air tight. There is no way to maneuver out of it or cancel it so just don’t even bother.”_ _

__Crowley turned toward Sam. “You got your wish Moose. Dean is out of the picture so go live your apple pie life.” Ignoring Sam’s outcry of denial Crowley then leaned forward and said in a low voice to Castiel. “Sorry feathers. Dean's all mine now. Go back to your angel army and forget about him.” At Crowley's words, Castiel's eyes began to burn blue and he growled and went to lunge at Crowley, but Crowley just chuckled and snapped out._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers: Misunderstands, Dean's lack of self worth, implied dubious consent (due to deal). 
> 
> I know pitchforks and torches for me.


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is it, at least for now. See end for some notes.
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the comments and kudos. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine.

Epilogue - Three months later

Castiel screamed as the angel blade sliced a cut from his ear down his jaw. Castiel pulled uselessly at the cuffs hooking his arms above him making him powerless to stop the angel from torturing him. White light seeped from multiple slashes across his chest and abdomen, down his arms and across his thighs.

“Where are the rest of your angels?” The angel working for Metatron asked again and Castiel just shook his head refusing to answer the questions. What were your plans to overtake Metatron, where are the angels hiding, and so on and so on. Castiel was upset with himself for walking into this trap where nine of Metatron's angels quickly overpowered Castiel whose borrowed grace was starting to run dangerously low. 

These past few months without Dean had been some of the hardest in Castiel’s very long existence. When he thought of Dean and Crowley together he felt sickened, and he was worried, worried that the Mark had turned Dean into a demon or a knight and now he was out of their reach, both he and Sam unable to try to help or cure him. It’s been three months and the chances that Dean was still Dean were slim, especially now that he was back in hell and subjected to whatever depravity Crowley was forcing on him. It was probably the push that the Mark needed to take control. 

“Pay attention!” The angel screamed at Castiel jerking his head back by his hair. The angel blade was dangerously close to slashing his throat and removing what little remained of his borrowed grace. “This is the last time I will ask you Castiel. Where are your angels hiding?” The angel demanded pressing the blade harder against Castiel’s throat. And Castiel, with a small smile as he thought of the many times Dean said this to someone, replied. 

“Eat Me.” 

The angel’s face went red in rage and the others in the room moved forward all wanting to see the end of the great Castiel. Just as the angel drew back his arm to make the final slice they were interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Castiel thought his musings must have caused him to hallucinate because that sounded an awful lot like Dean. 

“Hey fellas.” Dean, and yes it was actually Dean, said and all eyes swung toward him. 

Dean stood across the room leaning against the doorway, his arms crossed looking like he hadn’t a care in the world. Castiel’s gaze swept over Dean soaking up the image. Dean was wearing a pair of leather pants, similar to what he had worn the last time Castiel saw him, black and tight, with a grey Henley that looked a size or two too small showing off Dean’s chest and arms with the sleeves pushed up. Castiel saw what looked like a band of some kind of metal that wrapped around Dean's forearm like a bracelet, which struck Castiel as odd since Dean hadn’t been one for jewelry since the amulet. His hair was a little longer than the last time Castiel had seen him but the devil may care smirk was the same. 

He was gorgeous. 

“Why don't you come pick on someone who, you know, isn’t tied down and helpless?” Dean asked while his voice changed from friendly to deadly. 

“Oh look it’s Winchester come to rescue his pet angel.” One of the angels taunted while the others not so subtly started to surround Dean. “Actually I thought he was a demon's bitch nowadays.” Another angel said, and they all laughed, each throwing an insult or two at Dean. 

Dean just looked at Cas his face darkening as he took in the damage the angels had done to him so far. Dean looked back at the angels his eyes glittered with the promise of violence. “Are you done? Or do I have to stand here and listen to more of your schoolyard bullshit. Let's fight already.” Dean demanded making a come hither motion with his hand as he pulled the First Blade out and straightened up. 

After a slight pause at seeing the First Blade, an angel laughed. “Wow look. Winchester’s in a hurry to die today.” And they all snickered. Dean just raised an eyebrow a bored look on his face. 

Then at a collective nod the angels all advanced and attacked Dean at once. Castiel's breath caught in his throat in fear. Dean was severely outnumbered, and he remembered with a shiver of dread how it turned out the last time Dean went up against only two angels. But to Castiel's surprise, Dean made quick work of the angels as flash after flash of grace burning out lit the room up like fireworks. 

Finally Dean had killed all but one of the angels and Castiel watched as Dean drug the angel over to Castiel. Castiel was afraid to look into Dean's eyes and see black because there was no way Dean could have stayed in control of the Mark after fighting against nine fully charged angels, but unable to stop himself he looked at Dean who looked perfectly calm and completely Dean, his beautiful green eyes shining and a pleased look plastered on his face. 

“What the hell?” Castiel wondered in confusion. There was no way Dean could be standing in complete control of himself so quickly. As a matter of fact, Castiel thought back over the last few minutes and Dean was in perfect control during the whole fight. There were no crazy screams of rage and no unnecessary violence. 

Castiel looked in confusion as Dean pulled the angel upright and wrapped an arm around the angel’s chest. It was the same angel that had been torturing Castiel when Dean came into the room. 

“What are you doing Dean?” Castiel questioned. “Release me?” He demanded perplexed.

“In a minute Cas.” Dean said, and before Castiel could utter another word Dean pulled the angel’s head back and slit his throat. Grace poured out and Castiel gasped in surprise and before he could tell Dean to stop the angel's grace poured into Castiel instantly healing his wounds and recharging him. 

Castiel jerked back in surprise and anger because he didn't want to take another angel's grace. Cas rattled the chains fury on his face. “Dean how could you? I didn't want that!” 

“Tough.” Dean said reaching up to unhook him. I could see you were almost out of grace and you would never take it yourself so deal.”

Castiel continued to glare at Dean his mind racing, and Dean just flung the angel's body away. 

“He was going to die anyway.” Dean said. “And what was I supposed to do? Just watch you fade away when the solution was literally in my hands?” Dean asked his voice sounding snarky and confident and needy and hesitant all at the same time. 

And just like that Castiel felt the anger drain from his body, marveling that Dean still cared enough to do whatever he could to take care of him. “Thank you Dean.” He said in a soft voice looking up into Dean's eyes.

Blue met green.

Green met blue.

And they just stared both getting lost in the other's eyes. They remained like that for a few minutes or maybe an hour, who really knows until an irritated sounding cough broke the spell. They both whirled around spotting Crowley looking none too pleased at their little staring session. 

“Well Squirrel?” Crowley asked and Castiel watched as a huge smile spread across Dean's face making Castiel's vessel's heart twinge in a weird manner. 

“It worked.” Dean said. ‘Totally in control and way stronger than before.” 

Crowley smiled back and grabbed Dean pulling him into a deep kiss. “You’re a bloody fucking genius.” Crowley said slapping Dean on the back. 

“Yeah well.” Dean muttered looking down shyly now as his cheeks and the tips of his ears turned pink. Castiel knew any sort of praise or compliment always made Dean uncomfortable. 

“What's he talking about Dean?” Castiel questioned, but before Dean could answer Crowley pushed his way between the two nudging Dean behind him. Dean looked like he was going to resist for a moment and then at Crowley's look he lowered his eyes submissively and backed away, which made Castiel's blood boil thinking about what the deal Dean made to save him and Sam entailed. 

“Oh no, none of that feathers.” Crowley said noticing the dark look spreading over Castiel’s face. “This is a cause for celebration. Squirrel figured out a way to control the Mark. This was our first test run against something so powerful, and it worked.” Crowley said his face beaming with pride.

Castiel looked back and forth between Dean and Crowley. “Control the Mark. That's not possible.” Castiel said. 

“Oh it’s possible.” Crowley said, and Dean looked up and nodded. 

“It was just a theory I came up with, but it worked.” Dean explained to Castiel downplaying how momentous what he did was. 

“Okay Squirrel.” Crowley said his voice tight as Dean and Castiel started to stare at each other again. “Let's go celebrate darling.” Crowley said as he pulled Dean against him. 

Dean looked torn for a moment clearly wanting to talk to Castiel more, but then he just sighed and painted a smile on his face. “Whatever you want Crowley.” Dean said. 

“Dean we talked about this.” Crowley said clearly displeased about something. 

Dean's rolled his eyes dramatically making Crowley huff, and repeated. “Whatever you want... my king.” 

Castiel went to step forward to smite Crowley once and for all, but Dean just shook his head no. 

“Okay let's go.” Crowley said snapping but only Dean disappeared again. Crowley turned to Castiel. “Back off feathers. Just remember who Dean belongs to and don't try to contact him again. This was just an unhappy coincidence that you were here with the Metatron angels we had staked out as a final test, and Dean's little gift to you of grace will be punished.” And to Castiel's horror Crowley leaned in and whispered in his ear. “In the bedroom of course.” Crowley cooed enjoying the look of fury that spread across the angel's face. Boy did he enjoy ruffling Castiel’s feathers. 

“Ta tah.” Crowley said with a smirk and a finger wave and snapped out.

Castiel was fuming at Crowley’s words and the pictures it brought up in his mind, and he vowed he would find a way to break that deal sooner and bring Dean back.

Crowley remained invisible and watched the emotions flash across Castiel's face growling as the final emotion was determination. Crowley was not happy to come in and find those two eye fucking each other like old times, and he and Dean were going to have some words about that. 

Crowley had to admit he had misjudged the bond those two shared. Well Crowley thought to himself, thinking back to the little loophole he inserted in the deal, when Dean’s year was up he would just amend it to another year or ten or a hundred. 

Crowley had gone through too much trouble to ever lose Dean again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we have it, the end. I hope you all enjoyed the story and are not too upset with the ending. When I first started posting this I honestly thought only a handful of people would like it. I am so surprised and unbelievably thankful and happy that so many of you left me kudos and comments. On that note, I have decided to make this a series and write another part. I took to heart the comments regarding Sam and Dean's relationship and while I could not find a way to fix it completely in this portion I will address that with the next part. The story and especially the ending were firmly implanted in my mind and I could not find a way to re-write it that didn't let me lose that. There are other things I want to address too, namely how Dean deals with finding out Crowley tricked him, Sam and Dean's relationship of course, Metatron and Dean and Cas. Good news is over the last few weeks I figured out the perfect way to save Dean.
> 
> To be honest the hints at Destiel were a bit of a surprise and developed into much more of a plot point as I edited the chapters than I had originally planned, but I think it worked well with the story. Also with Crowley I originally had him much colder and manipulative and yes that is how he ended up but his feelings for Dean are real and much more than I had originally intended. However, let's face it. He's Crowley. He's always going to manipulate, plan ahead and get what he wants regardless. I think personally that is close to canon as I think Crowley really cared about Dean on the show - of course it could just be my projection..
> 
> I'm not sure how fast the next part will come out. I have a couple of other stories half written and I need to have an entire story written, if only in draft form, before I start to post. I can now sympathize and understand how sometimes stories cannot be finished as it took me longer to write the last few scenes than the entire story when I did it, but I also know how hard it is to invest in a story and then be left hanging so I will not do that (famous last words I know but I really promise to always finish a story). 
> 
> A special thank you again to AnotherWorld3111 for helping with some of the chapters and encouraging me to write it down. Also a shout out to everyone who commented multiple times. I looked forward to them after every chapter, and I'm terribly sorry if I missed responding to some. 
> 
> Happy holidays everyone and I hope you all have a wonderful New Year. Thank you so much for sticking with me and reading this story.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment or give Kudos. This is only my second fic and my first multi-chapter.


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